I cried in your arms because I knew it was the last time you would hold and care for me. It would be the last time you would look at me without contempt or anger in your eyes. I cried because last night we died. I will never forgive myself for changing your life forever.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, simply surrounded by assholes.” ~ William Gibson
Yep… truly… that was my problem… 
Dave isn’t coming to see me. We have been talking about this and I have been planning this for 2 years. I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. Once again, shown that I don’t matter to him. I don’t know why/how I manage to find people that make me feel worthless. There must be some psychological explanation for this, like, I don’t feel like I am worth something amazing myself so I go for guys who are emotionally unavailable, hoping to fix them or love them enough so that it’s enough for both of us. It’s not enough. It never will be. Instead I end up frustrated and hurt.
I called all the reservations I had made and cancelled them, feeling the ball in my throat, trying to push the disappointment down. It didn’t fool one lady. “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. You were so excited and so happy when you called to make the reservation. You sound so crushed.” I didn’t know that I sounded so upset, so I quickly changed the tone of my voice and brushed it off. “Oh, whatever, not a big deal. I’ll just bring some other guy down there and I will call you back another time! I love going to Golden! I’ll go with someone more deserving.” I laughed and chirped sounding happy. I don’t know if I convinced her or if I was trying to convince myself.
‘It’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal. Get over it. Let it go.‘ I repeat over and over to myself staring out at the Rockies looming outside my window. It would be a hell of a lot easier to let go if my soul didn’t love him so much. That’s my problem. As much as I want to be angry and hate him, I can’t. My soul for some reason has entwined with his. As much as I hoped the connection had been broken, as much as I deny it and tell my soul to stop and knock it off, it doesn’t. It’s so frustrating. I hate it. I am angry I can’t control it. My brain screams and debates continually in my head, and yet my soul continues to love his soul. :S FML I can not talk to him for weeks and I think it’s finally died down or dead… that it’s finally over, but one phone call, just hearing his voice my soul leaps for joy. And when it does I utter a silent, “FUCK” in my head and glare. Here I go again. I have to start over again my brain screaming at my soul to knock it off and to list all the reasons why nothing will ever happen. It’s a constant battlefield between my brain and soul. I eventually manage to smother my soul, but each time it’s never easy.
I have guys swirling around me. Wanting to date me. Wanting to be with me. I have 5 that I’m juggling and seeing right now. One even proposed to me. O.o LOL… I just looked at him in disbelief and said, “No, you don’t LOVE me. You are in LUST with me. You love what I do to you. You love how I look, how I make you feel, how awesome I am in bed, but you don’t LOVE me… You don’t even KNOW me.”
He went on to profess that he did and I just snapped. “You’re lying. Don’t LIE to me. That pisses me off more than anything else. You CAN’T LOVE someone so soon after meeting someone. DON’T say you LOVE me!!! You can like me a lot, but don’t say LOVE.” I seethed through my teeth.
He got all puppy dog eyed and hurt. SIGH
“It’s just lust.” I grumbled, “No one loves me” I whispered to myself as I turned away from him and stared off into the horizon. My mind wandering to Dave and to Ryan thinking of all the disappointment and hurt I feel.
“That hurts my feelings when you say things like that. You make me so happy. I want to be with you forever. I know what I feel and I want to be married to you. Please let me be with you for a long, long time.” he pleads and looks at me with his beautiful soft green eyes.
I smile and soften up. I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It takes me a long time to fall in love with someone and I just need time.” That seems to appease him and I breath a sigh of relief that it works. He smiles and I kiss him deeply so he feels all happy again. It’s empty and meaningless. It’s mechanical. It works. “I love how you kiss me” he coos in my ear after. “You are so passionate.” I smile sweetly at him. He’s back to being happy and babbling on about what, I don’t know cuz I’ve tuned him out, lost in my own thoughts.
I feel bad cuz I don’t feel the same way for him. I can’t control his feelings. He’s so young. Too young. So, I’ll let him enjoy it and I’ll just go with it. I’m sure eventually he’ll get over it and find someone else. He’s a toy for me. These guys that I’m picking up and dating. I’m not serious about any of them. They are distractions and they are helping me get over the divorce. It’s fun and I’m enjoying it. But none of them are the one for me. I know what I’m looking for. So I’ll casually date, trying not to break hearts in the mean time and have fun.
It enthrals and interests me so much to see how different guys are. How their emotional make up works. How different they are in bed. How they look at life and how they process things. I love examining them and figuring them out. I just need to enjoy the process and just go with it. Just take a deep breath, not over analyse everything, not over think things and just zone out and enjoy the ride. They are all good looking and great arm candy to cart around, but I’m looking for the personality. None of them have it. Sure, they are all sweet and nice, but still not what I want or what I need. They leave me longing for something more. I just need to find it. The hunt continues…..
And so it has begun….
Dating….
Money Honey
It amuses me greatly when a guy starts throwing around his money in attempts to win me over. They mention the fact they are rich, drive fancy cars, have multiple houses, etc. etc. I just smile and I am instantly bored. I don’t care about their money. Sure money is good and important, but the most important for me is personality. If all they can talk about is themselves and the “things” they have accumulated, I just look at them and point blank tell them that “quite frankly I don’t care that you have money. You can’t bait me with your money. I’m not a gold digger. I left a sugar daddy, so although money is important, it’s not high on my priority list.”
You are HOW OLD?!?
I dunno. I guess I look young for my age and/or guys like the older women fantasy, etc. I dunno why but I need to put an age limit barrier up. :S The younger ones do not know WTF to do in the bedroom. They have the general idea, but are not experienced enough for me and I don’t feel like playing teacher. :p I will make an exception. I have an eye on one that I am patiently waiting for an invitation. Now THAT one is THE ULTIMATE… I so wish I could clone him and make him older. But I def want a playdate. He has everything on my list ticked off. Well, almost everything…. he is a good 12 years younger than me. But he will def be a good toy to play with… I’m so intrigued.
Umm….OMFG!!! What is THAT?!?
I always thought size didn’t matter. I have come to discover it does matter. I want a magnum man or one that is well endowed…. General rule I go by… It should be a challenge to fit his package into my mouth. If it can fit in my mouth and not even tickle the back of my throat I am instantly not interested. I DON’T care HOW HOT he is…. if he doesn’t have the goods…. Good bye… Shallow maybe, but I know what I want and what I am looking for.
You are tired!?!
Wake up and Keep up. I am a nymph and an energizer bunny. I have yet to meet a guy that has tired me out. I usually get cries of protest that they are “tired.” I need to” wait” and to “please let them sleep.” Sigh O.o In his defence it was 4am and we started at midnight…. however, I was still not finished with him…. Even Ryan used to curl up in a ball and ask me to go get a gigolo cuz he couldn’t keep up…. It’s times like these that make me irritable. I think guys need to remember the cardinal rule when it comes to sex…. which is: YOU ARE NOT DONE UNTIL SHE IS!!!!! I end up so frustrated and cranky… A happy wife/woman is one that has had her orgasm(s). I think women in this world are bitchy because they are NOT properly sexed. I truly believe that. You encounter a woman that is a bitch, I would bet $100 it’s because she hasn’t had a good, long F%&# that was multi-orgasmic for HER!!! or because she is PMSing… however, THAT can be alleviated by a good F%&# as well. IMHO anyway.
Kinky?!?
And I’ve ran into guys that I’m not quite sure what to do or how to deal with them, except to smile, nod, be polite and look for the nearest exit. For example:
Fetishes….
I have encountered guys who have feet fetishes.
I have went on a date with a guy who had a hand fetish and couldn’t stop staring at my hands. I talk with my hands a lot and instead of watch my lips move or my face, he was watching my hands as they waved through the air. Yikes. He kept on complimenting my hands to the point where it made me uncomfortable, so I tucked them under my legs and didn’t bring them out except to use my fork. I even asked him if he had a hand fetish, which he blushed and admitted he did, then raved on about my “amazingly beautiful hands…. and of course the rest of me was beautiful too blah, blah, blah” sigh He creeped me out. :S
Am I a MISTRESS?!? ….. ummm…. NO.
Now I have a pair of knee high Guess boots I like to call my “hooker boots” or “lady of the night boots” as a JOKE of course. Yet, I have guys who come up to me and ask me if I’m a dominatrix and if they can be my slave. O.o
EVEN BIGGER SIGH
I wear my boots cuz quite frankly they add a good 4 inches to my lil height of 5′3 & 1/2 (Yes, adding the 1/2 is important) boosting me up to 5′7 & 1/2 and I love them cuz they are F**n sexy.
However, although I did indulge in his fantasy one night, and I def don’t like playing that humiliation game. I HATE it. I don’t like being mean. It makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t understand how/why he gets off on it.
THE PERSONALITY!!!!
However, the guys that do peek my interest are the ones that have full lives. They have hobbies besides work. They make me laugh, they have the same energy level as me and they like the same things I do…. and being hot is a def bonus. It will totally make me pay more attention….. cuz oooh… they are shiny. 
And they are humble about their income status and their looks. Those are my favorite. They quietly show you in their own way they can take care of you, but they don’t flaunt it. Now that is sexy. They also down play the fact that they are fn hot and totally bangable. It just sweet and endearing to see that confidence and yet that humble, shyness that is so rare to find in guys.
Being a gentlemen. Call me old fashioned, but I like having doors opened for me, flowers bought for me, little notes written for me, chairs held out for me, etc. It is such a rarity these days that when a guy does that and respects me. It makes me notice.
Communication is so important in any relationship. Being comfortable to talk about anything, being open and being able to carry a long conversation is very important. In the end, looks fade and you better have an interesting personality and love to talk to me.
As strong and as independent as I fight to be and portray that I am, I know that deep down, I need someone to take care of me. I am so lost in my own world of dreams and imagination that it’s nice to have someone steer me, guide me and help me walk through the realities life.
Positivity. A must. I mean sure everyone has their low moments, but I don’t want an Eeyore. :S It’s exhausting and draining to be around someone who is always negative. I avoid those guys that constantly complain about their life. Sure I can be sympathetic for awhile… then I lose my patience and snap, “if you don’t like it, DO something about it. Don’t just whine about it. Change it!!” I guess it’s a hard lesson I have had to learn, but being around positive, fun, energizing people help bring your spirits up as well.
There are a few people who are my pockets of sunshine that I turn to when a lil grey cloud hangs over me. And sure enough, they always make me smile by their exuberant personality. I hope that I do the same for other people when I am that ray of sunshine.
They take care of themselves. I am a very healthy person. I have an amazing body and I expect him to have the same. I want to be 50 and going on hikes, not being stuck with a speed bump that wants to watch TV all day. 
That would drive me insane. I want to experience life and have adventures. NOT watch them on TV and watch other people do what I always wanted to do. I want to LIVE life. Not watch it float by me. I feel like I wasted so much of my life feeling sorry for myself and feeling helpless. It has taken me 35 years to finally grab the bull by the horns again and not let anything stand in my way of my dreams and of being really happy.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. -Thoreau
For the first time ever in can truly say that I am happy. I came across one of my journal entries and it was filled with so much sorrow and sadness that I wept. I wept for that girl I was and I wept for the fact that I finally have found me. That I am moving forward with my goals and dreams. I found her. That girl I thought I lost, whose dreams were buried and almost forgotten. I dug them up, brushed them off and I am now pursuing them with full force.
Life is still a challenge and I struggle just like everyone else, however, I am finally happy, positive and hopeful. I have hope once again. To go from the depths of despair, climbing out of that deep dark hole I was in and into the light has really made me appreciate the sunshine and the life I have. I’m glad I didn’t give up. Im glad that I didn’t commit suicide. That I am moving forward one step at a time.
So I had a guy tell me something which made me pause and reflect for awhile. We were talking about relationships and dating. He told me that he was in love with his friend, she was the one that got away, she got married, blah, blah and I asked him why he didn’t tell her about his feelings for her while they were friends… and this is what he said:
“I thought the pot of gold was under a different rainbow and I was too busy chasing rainbows that I didn’t realize the pot of gold I wanted was right in front of me the entire time.”
Awwww….. so sweet… yet so sad.
That’s all I give guys now. Is one chance… may seem bad, but I just am not interested in putting up with crap.
I know what I want. I know what I am looking for. I know how I want to be treated. I know I am amazing and I know I am a prize.
I know this cuz I talk with guys and what they want, also with other women to see what they offer. I am shocked that more women are not more accommodating or just don’t realize what a man wants and needs. Ya, I am not perfect, but I do love to please and love to spend days in bed. Unfortunately, I am finding, not a lot of guys have the stamina I do. Pity.
I’m on the hunt and I am enjoying life.
How do you stop your soul from loving someone? I can’t seem to be able to stop my soul and it’s slowly killing me. It throws me into such a mind spin and my heart can’t take it anymore.
I lost it a week ago on a girl that is spreading nasty rumors about me in my town. I hate gossipers. I called her up and ripped her a new one. I went up one side and down the other. Swearing and ripping her to pieces. I was furious and she picked the wrong week to pick on me. I am pretty easy going except I find my tolerance for people is beginning to go down. I no longer put up with BS. I tell people straight up what I think and I just don’t care if they have a hard time taking it in. Deal with it. Usually I try to be tactful and be nice, but not this time. I just lost it on her.
She is such a big mouth and a big gossiper. Her defense? “I care about you. I am concerned.”
“Then why the F* did you not pick up the phone and CALL me and ask me if I was ok?!?” I retorted. “Is there something wrong with your F* fingers?!?”
“Well, I sent you a message on facebook and you never responded.” Was her weak, lame reply.
“OMFG!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Like I am going to divulge ANY personal intimate information about my life on facebook! Are you F** stupid!?!” I freaked.
She couldn’t grasp the concept of gossiping or spreading lies. That was the most frustrating part of the conversation. I tried to explain that if she was so concerned, she could come to my house or call me. To which she said, “Well, if I called you and asked how you are, all you say is ‘you are fine’”
Which I screamed, “BECAUSE I AM FINE!!! And it’s NONE of YOUR Gawd DAMN BUSINESS what I do with my life!!! Keep your nose OUT of my life!!! QUIT caring about me, I don’t want you to care!!! I Don’t need your sympathy and I don’t need to spreading rumors, making assumptions and gossiping about me. If I WANTED to tell you something, I would. But I DON’T feel the need to confide in you because you are NOT in the circle of trust. You are NOT my friend. You are an acquaintance and I treat you as such. So BUTT out of MY LIFE!!!”
sigh I said a bunch of other stuff… towards the end, I lost my patience even further and every second word was a swear. She eventually hung up on me cuz I kept screaming at her over the phone. I was furious. This is the first time I ever lost it on a person besides Ryan.
Wow. I don’t think I lost my temper this badly on a person who was not family since I was in high school and beat up Lee on the bus cuz he kept picking on my best friend. And with Lee, I flew over the bus seats and slammed his head into the bus window, my fists were flying, I saw red and I wanted to hurt him bad.
Sometimes, I think I am losing my mind. However, I always give people fair warning. I always tell people that I am easy going and relaxed, just not to piss me off.
I will fly out of the corner like the Tasmanian devil and destroy anything in my path. I can observe people very well and I can usually figure out what would hurt them the most. That being said, I do tread lightly and try to avoid hurting them where it would kill their emotional being. I try to be mindful of my ability and not to use it against people. However, I have pulled it out a few times lately and it makes me mad at myself cuz I lost control.
Ryan has even commented that it’s useless to fight with me cuz when he is level 1 asshole, I turn into level 4 bitch. When he goes level 4 asshole, I turn into atomic bomb bitch.
I howled with laughter when he told me that. It is very true though. I do have patience and I will calmly try to sort out my feelings, but I do lose it and just snap.
I find myself snapping more and more. I just am under so much pressure from the separation, the kids, school, work, life, my mom’s house burning down, etc. That I just am so sick of people taking advantage of me. I am one that speaks my mind and people always know where they stand with me. I am so sick of people playing mind games with me. I am tired of being tossed aside and made to feel that I don’t matter. I am finally sticking up for myself and telling people to in essence, “F* Off”
The older I get the more I refuse to put up with people. I just don’t have room in my life to deal with BS. I hate people that lie to me. I try to be very honest with people and I HATE lying. It is the one thing that makes me so mad. I should just walk away from it, but I just want people to know that I am on to them and they can’t lie cuz eventually it will bite them in the ass.
I am so all over the map with my emotions. I have cried so much this year, it’s ridiculous. I have never cried this much in my life. It seems like every week I am a puddle of tears and sobbing into my pillow or driving and trying to see, but tears are streaming from my eyes.
sigh
I’m sure it will get better, however, sometimes I just think I am crazy and losing control. I feel like I am on a thin string, barely hanging on and I don’t know how long I can actually hang on. I feel myself slipping. Something in me is fighting to stay alive, however, I am scared for the day that the will to live will finally cease. I wish I could cure my brain and be normal.
I don’t want to be normal. I like being the fun, crazy me…. but it is starting to come with a price now…. and I’m not sure I like the price I have to pay….
This math course I am taking is making me question my intelligence and whether I am actually smart enough to go to university to learn or if I am just too stupid. ugh I hate math and just do not understand it. My mind is in a total fog.
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
One amazing day spent with me and your whole world might shatter to 1000 pieces…. I don’t regret a minute of it.
Each day that I am with you, a piece of me dies inside. I’m sad, miserable, lonely and frustrated, however, I am too scared to go out on my own. Maybe I am shallow…. The financial stability and financial security keeps me anchored to my own personal hell.
It is a beautiful, crisp, cold winter day and I am loving it sitting beside my fireplace looking outside at the snow glistening in the sun. Pieces of snow twinkle and sparkle back at me as I gaze at the heavy blanket draped across the evergreens in my backyard.
I sigh and look around me in fondness. This house has held a lot of memories, both good and bad for me. I will soon be leaving it all behind and part of me is a little scared to walk into the unknown and take that leap. I know I must go because I am the toxic element in this house. I am the one that is bringing the chaos and craziness into this home. I need to leave so my children can grow up in peace and calm. I will miss each of them terribly I am sure. I will see them but not as often as everyday. However, I do believe that it is best that they are not exposed to my personality, for it is only the ugly, angry, unhappy side which they see and not my bubbly, happy side. I wish they knew the other me more often, but it is at home where the mask comes down and I can no longer hide my discontent and unhappiness.
I will miss my daily runs with Indy. I will also mis the crazy fat cat, Garfield, who loves to chase his own tail and cuddle with the children at night.
I don’t know if I can make it on my own. I am getting really antsy to leave but there are a few details holding me back… But for now I am packing my parachute and getting ready to board the plane for that last journey off the tarmac.
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. Helen Keller
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. Helen Keller
College isn’t the place to go for ideas. Helen Keller
Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content Helen Keller
I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. Helen Keller
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure. Helen Keller
Literature is my Utopia. Here I am not disenfranchised. No barrier of the senses shuts me out from the sweet, gracious discourses of my book friends. They talk to me without embarrassment or awkwardness. Helen Keller
Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. Helen Keller
Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. Helen Keller
Never bend your head. Hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye. Helen Keller
No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit. Helen Keller
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. Helen Keller
People do not like to think. If one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant. Helen Keller
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world. Helen Keller
Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousand of miles and all the years you have lived. Helen Keller
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. Helen Keller
There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his. Helen Keller
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. Helen Keller
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. Helen Keller
When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another. Helen Keller
The highest result of education is tolerance. Helen Keller, ‘Optimism,’ 1903
- Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings. Helen Keller, My Religion, 1927
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature…. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Helen Keller, The Open Door (1957)
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
Well, little updates.
*had a blast in Cali with the kids. We would go to Disney from 10am till 5pm then the kids wanted to go back and watch TV. Which was fine by me cuz i immersed myself in my other world. Whisked away into a state of perpetual happiness that put a grin on my face all day long. The kids loved staying at the hotel across the street from Disney. Park vue inn. Best place ever!!!! Free breakfast, dinner, water, cookies and apples. Bliss! I love California. I love how crazy the drivers are. I was flying down the interstate going 100miles/hr and loved it. I was so focused and had sobmuch fun weaving through traffic. I felt like I was playing a video game. Met up with my friend Ryan and his wife briefly in disney till I had to go rescue Laura from the boys who were acting up. We went on lots of rides and I relaxed and became the fun mom I love to be. I wasn’t stressed or angry. It was all because Ryan wasn’t around. I went to the Dainese shop in Cali and bought myself a leather 2 pc. riding outfit that makes me look like a star wars storm trooper. I am going to have a helmet custom painted to be a storm trooper helmet and I’ve got the gun which I will strap to my back. hehe…
When Ryan came instantly I was stressed out, yelling and withdrawing from everyone. It’s brutal. I need out. He makes me nothing but miserable. On the way home from Cali to Canada I texted with a friend of mine. I was back in my other world, happy, giggling and distracted.
*January 2011 hits -The Year Of Hell-
I really don’t want to talk about it. I have spent 2 1/2 solid days of heavy crying already this year, which sucks cuz I hate crying. I still feel ripped open, bleeding, raw and I’ve lost confidence in myself. Which sucks cuz I need confidence to get out of this cage and stand on my own. sigh I hate feeling vulnerable. ;p
“When he’s the right one, you will know,” my friend Shauna gushes.
I eye her wearily as she sits beside me in the passenger seat of the SUV. She has caught the love bug and is twitter patted. She is grinning and has this far away look in her eye, no doubt thinking of her new man in her life.
So far every single guy I have ever met had driven me nuts and I get annoyed at them at some point. I know what I am looking for and so far have not found him. I’ve come close but not everything. I refuse to settle. I am prepared to be alone forever as well. I never want to be stuck in a relationship I’m not 100% happy in.
“You will find your perfect match and when you are with him you won’t feel crazy….” she continues.
I’ve partially tuned her out because I’m commiserating over my crazy personality that I think is amusing but most people tire of it after awhile. I must admit my ADD/ADHD personality is hard to take. Even I find me annoying at times. Where are all the fun people hiding?!? I’m so sick of the kill joys in my life that tell me to settle down, calm down or quit being so crazy. I like the crazy. I embrace it cuz why fight it?
“…he will know how to handle you and will know how to love you and communicate with you…” she is spewing more love wisdom as she sees it.
I eye her out of the corner of my eye. She is truly happy. I smile slightly. It’s about time she has found someone she loves and loves her like crazy back. Although I am saddened at the thought of her leaving at the end of June cuz she is off to move in with him. She will be a whole province away from me. I’m losing my best friend.
Maybe that’s what I’ve been so grumpy and sad about. I feel like this year is going to be hell for me. It already has and every week it seems to get worse. :S
She’s been the one person in my entire life who gets me. Who understands my quirks, thinks they are hilarious, and understands the crazy cuz we are so much alike.
I really have no hope for anything right now. I’m ruefully looking at my life and decisions i am making. I am withdrawing into myself. Not even my inner other world is making me happy. I’m restless again. I need an adventure. Something just for me. Not for anyone else. Most of all I am resisting the urge to crawl under my blankets and disappearing from the world.
I’ve made my schedule busy. Constantly forcing myself out into the throngs of the people in the world.
Shauna is still talking about finding that perfect guy, but quite frankly I don’t believe in love or happily ever after. I don’t believe in fairy tales or that guys want anything more out of me than a romp in the sac.
Even playing with my boys has gotten boring for me. I am taking a time out from them too cuz even they are annoying me.
I feel like escaping to some far off country and doing volunteer work.
So, it is my little goal in life to go somewhere every 3 months. Well in Sept/Oct I was in Italy. Now I’m off to Disney jus me and the kids. I’m thrilled to say the least. It was crazy trying to leave as usual but we finally did and the first day we made it to Great Falls, MT. We stayed at the Holiday Inn. We made an impression when we arrive at the hotel. Within 2 hours the manager was knocking on our door tellingus to be quiet he already had a noise complaint. Yippee.
I am pretty proud of myself for going and driving to Disneyland all by myself with the kids. I just feel so confident and like a big girl. I’m doing his all by myself. I’m so thrilled. I truly have made leaps and bounds this year. I’ve gained even more confidence in myself and I am finally on a path that I feel good about.
Tomorrow I have to drive 10hours to make it to Cali. Egads. I’m tired.
All tests are back, turns out I DON’T have diabetes or Alzheimer’s…. I just have low iron. Like crazy low off the charts iron and all the symptoms I am experiencing is just the iron manifesting itself. So good to know. Yippee… So I can delay the whole leaving this earth before my time bit… This is also an easy fix, just taking liquid iron. Already I feel my energy levels up.
I’m also going to Cross Fit more often as well so the chemicals from that is helping my mental state as well. I’m also not eating as much sugar and I’ve cut chocolate out of my diet. I’ll have a small piece every now and again, but the cravings are way down. Now I crave veggies and fruit.
I’ve charted a new road map for myself. I feel like a kite that was unable to fly and finally I had my best friend boost me up and help me fly. She is my string. I’m so grateful that I can finally looking forward instead of looking back…
I love this quote:
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~ Helen Keller.
I love it.
I finally applied for university yesterday. So excited. I’ll know by end of Dec/Jan if I get in. I’ll be in my 3rd year of communications BSC with a minor in Psychology in September. I really want a double major, since I love that stuff and I really want to be involved in research projects in this field, but for now I’ll just get this 2 years under my belt, then I’ll head back and may just start again in Psychology.
I’ve also decided what to do about Ryan. I’m relieved and still a little uncertain, but I know it’s time. Courage and hope is propelling me forward.
So I stumbled upon this website quite randomly and fell in love with it..
My favorite post was this one:
You terrify me, in a wonderful way.
I may have said too much, but then, you may have too.
And back to waiting…again.
I think you should know…you had my head in the clouds for days.
I miss you terribly, probably more than I will let you know.
For now, I will keep this my secret.
Just come home safe, and stay my friend.
There were so many sweet love confessions that it just made me smile and really believe that there is so much love and unrequited love happening out there. I love reading these stories and confessions that people post.
Well, I think I have Type 2 diabetes. I am experiencing quite a lot of the symptoms and it explains a lot about what I’ve been going through lately. Weight gain, blurred vision, dry skin, tiredness, bladder infections, family history. My Grandma from my dad’s side died because of diabetes and my Grandpa on my moms side had diabetes and died of that as well.
I also think I am getting Alzeheimers. My dad had it and I am having crazy memory loss issues that have plagued me and is getting worse of the past couple of years.
I read that book Still Alice. It’s really good. I need to figure out what to do.
I do not want to plague my family with this kind of thing. To watch someone slowly die before your eyes? That is terrible.
I am seriously contemplating the whole suicide thing. I’ve always had it in the back of my head for years, but now I have a reason to.
At least this way I could have everything in order and be able to say my goodbye’s in a round about way. I wouldn’t come out and say it cuz then they’d commit me. No, everything needs to be calculated and meticulously planned out… like it’s one of my events I put on.
I really haven’t enjoyed this journey and I do think it’s time to move on.
The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way.
Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. Dave Nilson
It’s easy to take the most important thing in your life for granted. It can be gone before you realize how important it was. Kiefer Sutherland.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together
Until we take responsibility for our own lives & happiness, we are not fully mature human beings, but rather remain dependent &frightened children in adult bodies.
Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. — Marlene Dietrich
A man would prefer to come home to an unmade bed and a happy woman than to a neatly made bed and an angry woman. — Marlene Dietrich
The weak are more likely to make the strong weak than the strong are likely to make the weak strong. — Marlene Dietrich … There is a gigantic difference between earning a great deal of money and being rich. — Marlene Dietrich
Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret. — Marlene Dietrich
Without tenderness, a man is uninteresting. — Marlene Dietrich
Darling, the legs aren’t so beautiful, I just know what to do with them. — Marlene Dietrich
Glamour is what I sell, it’s my stock in trade. — Marlene Dietrich
Grumbling is the death of love. — Marlene Dietrich
I dress for the image. Not for myself, not for the public, not for fashion, not for men. — Marlene Dietrich
It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter. — Marlene Dietrich
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. — Marlene Dietrich
To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him it’s no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long. — Marlene Dietrich
The best things in life happen at the hello’s and goodbye’s.
Luke picked dandelions for me and on his way to give them to me, Brandon came along in a bad mood and crumpled up the flowers. Luke freaked out. He began to cry and wail saying, “YOU BROKE MOMMY’S HEART!” because he no longer could give me the dandelions… He’s so sweet.
He loves ears and loves to have his ears played with. He loves it when you rub his ears or nuzzle his ears between your lips.
He loves playing the “gummy bear game.” It all started when he kept saying over and over again, “I’m a gummy, gummy, gummy bear.” I went over to him and said, “I LOVE gummy bears! They are so delicious to eat.” Then I proceeded to nibble on him, tickle him and pretend to eat his arms, legs, hands, cheek, neck, etc. He just shrieks with laughter and he likes that game.
Luke was over at a friends house and she has a little 6 year old that was bossing him around and telling him what to do.
He looked at her and said, “I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not Optimus Prime!” He loves Transformers. He watches it every morning, however, there are some swears in there which makes me think I really shouldn’t let him watch it.
He was in a bad mood one day and screamed at Indy, “Get out of my way byatch!”
I was in shock that he said that. I told him not to say that, but of course he had no clue what I was talking about.
A few days later him and Mya were talking to each other in the kitchen.
Luke goes over to Mya and says, “You are such a byatch.” Mya responds, “No, YOU are a byatch.” Luke: “No, be quiet byatch.”
I about lost my mind.
“WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? Do you have any idea what you are saying?” I ask freaking out.
Mya and Luke look at me blankly no having a clue as to why I am freaking out.
“What? I just said he was a byatch.” says Mya plainly.
“No! No! No! No calling anyone in this house a byatch! Where did you hear that word?” I ask
Mya shrugs and grins, “I don’t know… Brandon?” She has the look of mischievious evil in her eyes, always wanting to get Brandon in trouble.
I sigh and roll my eyes. “No more saying the word, “byatch.” Do you understand me? It is a swear word and a bad word. Knock it off!”
“ok.” Mya says simply. Luke then turns to her and whispers, “byatch!”
“Knock it off or I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!” I shriek.
They giggle and go play upstairs in Mya’s room.
sigh I’m losing my mind.
It was AMAZING. I loved every second. I spend 18 days there. 18 days of pure bliss and happiness. Of course there were crazy parts. I always roll with craziness in my life, but I shall write about that a little later. The people, the food, the sites, the churches, everything was magical and I wish so badly I could go back…. It was a trip of a lifetime and my bucket list is checked off.
I’m finally out and camping. Thank goodness! I’m so glad to be done with my crazy busy life. Now my only concern is providing food to my children, relaxing, reading and sleeping. Thank goodness. I need down time.
Our first trip out took a bit of time to go. Thursday, June 24th was the school family picnic and I thought I would have lots of time to pack, but not so. Friday I was at the school all day dishing out popcorn to all the students. Saturday I was at a 5K family fun run. It wasn’t fun. Mya and Luke both insisted on riding in the umbrella stroller. They sat and argued and whined the entire time. My hand got blisters on it from pushing the stroller. The kids kept putting their foot on the wheel of the stroller preventing it from turning properly. Ryan got 1st in his age group though so that was great! It was a great event and it raised money for a man in a wheelchair.
We bailed on the 4x4 trip because Jason was insisting that we be there at 12:30pm or we would leave. Well, we didn’t get done the races until 12:00pm and we would have been 15min late. Had he have said, anytime between 12:30pm and 1:00pm I would have been ok with it. They were annoyed and upset we didn’t show, however, I was annoyed and upset that he was being an arse about the time. I’m always late and I expect people to make accommodations for me because of it. I told him in advance I didn’t know what time the run would end and that I might be late. He turned into a jerk and insisted that we be there at 12:30pm and wouldn’t wait. I balked and instantly got pissy right back. Well, we probably could have made it if we tore out of there, but I didn’t want to drive all the way out there only to find out he had left. Turns out they did wait for us and he was trying to use some sort of stupid psychology shiz on me. What a mucktard. He does not know how to play me because if someone throws me attitude I toss it right back and then some. I don’t put up with ultimatums. I just dig my heels even more. Stubborn, but I really don’t care. I don’t put up with people’s crap. I’d rather be friends off. I put up with and cater to only a few people in my life. Everyone else can just suck it.
So Sunday, I spent cleaning, doing laundry, packing the trailer and doing more laundry. Still did not get everything ready.
Monday, I spent the entire day scooping ice cream for the school cuz there was left over ice cream and I didn’t want to be left with that in my freezer. I’m getting an entire cow and need the space. Monday evening was spent cleaning the house and doing laundry and packing.
Tuesday morning was spent making my own stupid edible arrangements because I refused to spend $30/ cup on the teachers. I bought a bunch of fruit and got kabob spears and just did it myself. Unfortunately, not the smartest thing because it took up valuable time when I could be packing. The teachers all loved it though. Then I realized that I had to finish the annual report for the school council and submit it and I had to update the school blog. Egads. So THAT took a couple more hours out of my day.
Then I spent the rest of the day doing laundry and cleaning the house. My cleaners bailed on me yet again… I’m going to get different cleaners. I’m so annoyed at them too. It doesn’t seem like it would take a lot of time, but when you’ve got 7 people living in a house and I’ve been neglecting it for a few days/weeks/months. Things pile up. I just wanted everything to be cleaned up. I got it clean, but not sparkling. I don’t think my house will ever be sparkling with all the kids, but I will get it cleaner and de-junk in July when I’m back for the 2 weeks.
So needless to say that we didn’t leave on Tuesday in the afternoon. Because of that the spots at the Prairie Oasis were gone. Thankfully, I managed to secure I nice little spot at “The Hoodoos” in Rosebud or whatever small town just outside of Drumheller.
Wednesday we finally headed out at noon, when I finally just came to the conclusion that things were as good as it was going to get and I just have to leave it. So we left.
Our camp spot was quite nice. We were nestled in the back corner enough that it made me feel like I was surrounded by trees and not so close to people even though they were close to us. The first day out the mosquitoes were so bad. I thankfully had 3 cans of Off and Deep Woods in the trailer and we managed to go through 2 cans of it by the time our little 4 day excursion was done. Stupid me sprayed Mya in the face with the stuff, her eyes began to water. She began to cry in pain and once again I felt like the worst mother ever. I flushed her eyes out with water and had her close her eyes and let her eyes naturally water and get all the stuff out of her eyes. Stress.
I hadn’t taken my vitamins yet and they were not fully in my system after being so inconsistent with it. I couldn’t handle the stress.
There were camp puppies and camp kittens that were in the next lot through the trees behind our camp spot. Luke kept going back there and kept letting the puppies out. They eventually came over and told us not to let our kids play back there as it was owned by the owners of the campsite. Oops.
The kids took out their beach toys and began excavating the dirt hole next to our trailer. It seems that my constant warnings not to put water in the hole fell on deaf ears and they eventually used up bottled water to pour into the hole and make a wonderful mud pit. I don’t know what kind of mud this was, but it was a dark mud anyway.
I began to take my vitamins regularly hoping it would hurry up and kick in so I could handle the chaos that the 5 kids ensue.
Thankfully Ryan stayed for 2 days and he was really help so it made me really grateful that he was around.
The next day I awoke early, still not feeling the effects of the vitamins yet, and hurried to get ready. When I got back everyone was till sleeping and I was expecting to leave, since I had awoken Ryan before I left for my shower. I did not communicate my expectations and everyone was still sleeping. We were going to be late for the free breakfast. We have to be there at 8:30am for the breakfast and it was already that time. By the time we got everyone ready and off to the breakfast it was 9:25am. I was furious because the line was so long and I was so annoyed at the line up. I knew we wouldn’t be able to make our usual spot.
Sure enough, we didn’t. I was freaking out. I like being at the beginning of the parade route, but by the time we finished eating it was 10:10am and the parade had already started. Great. Just great. The roads were blocked so we could no longer drive over to find Jayna who was saving us seats.
We sat at the end of the parade route. I was uber annoyed. I wanted to walk to where Jayna was but Ryan said it was over 2km and I wouldn’t make it there in time. The parade would be over and I would have missed the most of the parade anyway. Great. I sat and stewed. Tried to walk back a bit but the parade was already coming towards us so I went back and sat down to watch sulking most of the time.
We went over to IGA and had the beef on a bun. Then headed over to the splash park. I was tired and decided I was not in a good enough mood to be around other people so I should just sleep. I curled up in the front seat, put myself in a time out and quickly fell asleep while Ryan took the kids to the splash park. I slept solid for 2 hours. I could have slept longer but I forced myself to wake up. I had to be social and interact with Jayna.
We hung out for a couple hours, then it got a little chilly so we parted company and went back to the campsite after indulging in some ice cream cones.
Ryan left after a wonderful steak dinner cooked over a campfire. I was sad that he had to leave and Luke was devastated. He cried for 20minutes and finally after some heavy snuggling he was able to distract himself.
Friday was rainy and cool. The kids found other kids to play with. Luke and I slept for the entire afternoon and Laura snuggled up to a book. In the evening, it began to be nice so I took the kids to the Reptile museum, went to the suspension bridge, went to the hoo doos(the ones at Writing on Stone are much nicer. I should have taken them to horseshoe canyon. There are lots more there.), we went to a coal mine, went and checked out another campsite and didn’t get back until 10:30pm. Everyone fell exhausted into bed.
Saturday, we began to pack up and get ready to go. My mother surprise visited me. It went a little something like this.
Friday afternoon I get a call.
“Joanne, Where are you right now?” She asks on the phone. I can’t wait until I don’t have cell coverage anymore. I pause. Really. This is a loaded question.
“Drumheller.”
“Ok. I’m coming to Drumheller. See you tomorrow!” click
sigh
No: How are you? No: How are things going?
All pleasantries are cast aside when it comes to my mother. Always straight to the point and she always feels the need to hang up on me.
She calls on Friday evening when I’m out with the kids, but I refuse to meet with her because I really don’t like to be pounced on or surprised. Must be a control issue. I tell her that I’ll meet with her on Saturday because the kids and I are busy on Friday. Saturday she calls several times while we are getting the trailer ready to go. I just don’t even take the calls. She can wait.
We head out and meet her at the museum. I tell my kids to ask Grandma if they can have a toy at the gift shop and if she will buy it for them. I’m quite happy over my little scheme. She of course obliges and I help my the 2 oldest pick out the biggest toy they can find. I would have done the same for the younger ones, but I was making chit chat with my mother.
Then she says, “Where are you going after this?”
“Home, to repack and head out to Writing on Stone.” I reply.
“Oh! Well, that’s great! We are coming along.” She quickly replies back.
sigh um. what?
Now my mother is high maintenance and a source of stress and irritation for me. So I really was not looking forward to spending anymore time with her. She just invites herself along on my camping trip. She is traveling with her handicap patient and it is his holidays. I feel bad for him since she has a tendency to take him to our place when it’s his holidays. He wanted to go to BC, but my mother had other plans…. infiltrating my life.
On the way back home, I stopped at the mall and also had her buy my kids some school clothes. I was a happily little clam because she ended up buying $400 of clothes for the kids for back to school. I still have to probably spend about another $1000 on their clothes but every little bit helps.
So here I am. We just got back from Drumheller. I’m flying around trying to repack everything because we leave in the morning again. It is 3 am. I’ve gotten about 3 hours sleep and my stupid mind won’t shut down and give me a break. All I want to do is go back to bed. It’s going to be a long week. Mom is on holidays until July 18 and she plans on spending those days with us.
It’s going to be a looooooong vacation. I better take 15 vitamins a day just to cope with the added stress.
Already she has started to criticize the children. I’m annoyed. She told Josh he was so short and made fun of him because Mya was almost as tall as him. I told her to knock it off and he was growing us fine. He is small and the shortest in his class. He already feels self conscious about it and she just makes things worse. I’m going to encourage her to travel and see Southern Alberta so that I don’t have to spend so much time with her.
Here’s hoping I’m conniving enough to pull it off in a nice way to make it seem like it’s her idea.
6 more days until school is over. The countdown is on and I just can’t wait. I wish it finished this Friday. I don’t know what mucktard decided to extend it to the end of June. If stupid Grade 6 grad was not happening Monday night I would totally pull my kids from school and go camping. I’m just dying to get out of the house. Get out of the house and go play by a lake.
I’m just so antsy with anticipation. I love the summer. I worked my last and final shift for the year I guess until September… and that’s if they give me anymore shifts. I think I will go look for another job. I need to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. It’s so hard. I just don’t know. I want to do so much and I really only have an attention span for 3 months. That’s the magical number. Then I get irritated and annoyed at a job and I just want to leave.
Ryan asked me today what I wanted to do when I grew up and really, I just don’t know. I know I want to travel. I really just want to see the world and be on permanent vacation. I need a sugar daddy. I’ve got my eye candy. I need a sugar daddy. Is that too much to ask?
No.
I’ve told Ryan my request and so it should be so. He’s going to work on it for me. hehehe…. I’m such a little brat, but I figure I deserve it.
I need to figure out what my next goal in life should be. I’ve done a lot to tick off stuff on my bucket list.
I need something else to fight for and put my energies towards. I think it should be schooling of some sort. I really should grow up a bit and go learn more. I love to learn new things. I think I’ve taken a good little break from school… it’s been a good 13 years now, so I figure it’s time to go back. Just to learn. Not necessarily to really become anything, just for information and knowledge sake.
I need to organize my life more. I live in a constant state of chaos. It’s crazy really. I wish I could get my head organized and just be normal for once. I do like the crazy, but every now and again, the crazy drives me nuts.
It was crazy beautiful on the weekend +25C. GORGEOUS! Sun was shining, little wind, perfect day for showing my Ninja the mountains again. I hoped on and took off.
Heading out on 22X I came upon a flat stretch of road and decided to test the bike to see how fast it could go. I opened up the throttle, crouched down and grinned in glee as my bike began to climb in speed. 120, 130, 140, 150, 160….. And there it stayed. I was furious. 160km?!? That’s it. I was extremely annoyed. I didn’t think it was that fast either.
I flew out to a new part of Kananaskis I have never been to before. I went down Hwy 66. It was beautiful out there. I finally found Elbow Falls. I have been looking for this spot for 15 years. Seriously. Could never find it. I always thought it was in a different part.
I drank lots of water before my trip to hydrate myself so I wouldn’t be so thirsty cuz I knew there would be no stores where I was going. I had to stop to go to the bathroom.
Times like these I wish I had a penis. Just to be able to stand and whip it out and go to the bathroom. Being in my full leathers, in an outdoor outhouse trying to struggle out of them and squat while holding all your leathers around you so they don’t fall on the floor is quite challenging. ugh Especially since I had taken my hair out of my ponytail so I had my long hair flying around me not helping my situation any. Might as well do this with my eyes closed cuz my hair was everywhere.
So after the 10 min struggle of taking off my leathers, then putting them back on was over. I composed myself and exited the bathroom gracefully, leathers intact.
I walked down to the falls, eliciting stares as I walked along the path. There were fire pits all over and lots of benches. Cobble stones were placed along the path to view the falls. Wooden hand rails ran along side the path and wild flowers sprouted in between the rocks. The sun was shining through the tall evergreen trees, sun beams glinted off the river. It was a perfect day. The falls were small, but pretty.
I stood and looked at them for a bit. It was so peaceful there. However, every time I looked around I had people staring at me. It made me uncomfortable, so I just left. I don’t like being stared at. I looked down to make sure I didn’t have any toilet paper streaming from my SIDI race boots. Nope. It was just my ridiculous Dainese black leather outfit I was wearing. Perfect for riding, but maybe not so much for just hanging out in public.
I made a mental note to come back here at a later date with the kids in regular clothes so I would blend in a little better. I need better headphones for my iphone. I find that the normal ones I have always have a tendency to fall out of my ears or they gradually fall out as I drive. I put my headphones in, my helmet on, my gloves on and tried to back up my bike. I’m straining against the weight. It’s 300lbs. I’m 120lbs. I couldn’t get it to go back. A couple guys were walking by and they were amused at my little struggle. I could tell they were riding motorcycles because of the coats they had on. Great. Finally, I just gave up trying to back it up and I just did a tight little turn with the bike. That amused them as well. They kept turning around and watch me try to get this bike out of the parking stall and snickering to themselves. I was annoyed. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I like being by myself and my thoughts much better.
I drove out and went to find Bow Valley. I drove for 5 min, then realized that I had to head back to Calgary so I could meet Ryan at the theatre.
I turned around and headed back. I had to stop again at the entrance to Elbow Falls so I could make a quick call to Ryan to bring my clear visor and to once again adjust my earphones. As I was texting Ryan I truck starts honking like crazy. I don’t turn around to look because I’m hoping that they are not trying to get my attention. I’ve pulled off enough that I shouldn’t be in anyone’s way and I was hoping that if I ignored them that they would just leave me alone.
No such luck.
The truck pulls up beside me.
“Hi! Can we take your picture?” This girl calls from the window.
I give a forced smile. “No.” I reply and shake my head. I go back to adjusting my headphones and putting my helmet on.
“Please! Please! You are so beautiful and you look gorgeous on that bike! Please….” She goes on and on babbling about how she loves the bike, my leathers and how beautiful I am.
ugh She’s not going away.
“Just smile” she says and starts snapping away.
I give her my forced, closed mouth ‘I just wish you’d leave me alone’ smile and let her take one picture. Then I shove on my helmet. She is snapping pics like the paparazzi. I finally look at her and give her a peace sign and pose, hoping that this will satisfy her. She screams, “Thank you!!! You’re beautiful.” as they leave. She then hands the camera to the guys behind her who eagerly grab it and begin to take a look at the pictures.
I groan inwardly. Great. I don’t like having my picture taken. My hair was in a messy pony tail and I just didn’t want to have my picture taken.
Right after they pull away, another vehicle comes up behind me and a group of guys start screaming at me from their window, “Whooo!!! Hi!!” Whistling and screaming at me.
I just wave and finish putting on my gloves. I throw my bike into gear taking off. I quickly speed up to 140k, flying around corners and trying to put some distance between me and this truck full of guys. However, they keep up in their truck and drive along side me, snapping pics and screaming at me from their truck.
They manage to box me in so that I am driving beside them and I can’t pass the car in front of me or them. The speeds are now reaching 160k. I’m starting to freak out and I just wish they would leave me alone. They keep waving, screaming and taking pictures. I try to drop my speed in hopes that will stop them, but they match me. Once I dropped it enough, there is a space created so I can get by them. I turn on the throttle and whip by them. My bike has great pick up so quickly I’m flying along Hwy. 66 at 160k putting quite a bit of distance between them. Once we get closer to Calgary, due to traffic, they eventually catch up.
Out comes the camera and they keep taking pics. I take the overpass onto MacLeod and thankfully they keep going. My first overpass. I’m so excited! I only did it at 60k thankfully there wasn’t anyone behind me and it was a good curve. I was all excited at my little accomplishment.
I got to the theatre and parked my bike right by the front under the movie posters. We went to see Shutter Island. It was so amazingly good. I loved it. I began to ponder if I was crazy like that.
I drove home at midnight. First time driving at night. I was thrilled once again. Another first.
So besides the gawking from people, the day was a fun one. I love to drive out to the mountains and once again saw lots of deer.
I’m so excited. Every time I REALLY think I about it I just get a nervous, butterfly, excitement that I have to try to contain. I give a little shriek then draw it all in.
Breath.
ACK! I can’t wait!
I won’t start planning the trip out in detail until July 18. Then I will really buckle down and google my fingers off. Until then, patience is a virtue… That and I’m so crazy busy with everything. I can’t wait until June is over.
Now that I’ve made my decision on what to do in life. I have a goal and now I plan on making A,B and C happen so that I can finally move towards happiness.
The first day I mourned and was a little sad. Then the grieving was over and now I’m ready to face the world alone.
After talking with a friend, he gave me some good advice on what to do. What to prepare for. How to get my ducks in a row. What to expect, etc, etc.
It was good to get perspective from someone who has gone through it.
“It’s always best to work things out,” he cautioned and advised.
We have been. Ryan will be good for a week then falls back into the same routine. It’s been 16 years now. I never really loved him 16 years ago and I still don’t. He’s a good friend and I hope we will always be friends, but our relationship is dead.
All pictures with me smiling or posing looking like we are happy as a jay bird… we are not. I was miserable. I just threw on a smile. A show. A performance. Fake it till you make it people say. Well, I have been faking it and I’m sick of faking it. It’s just not me. I want to be happy. Truly happy and all he does is make me miserable. Constant broken promises, constantly ignoring me, not helping me around the house just drives me away. I just can’t depend on him anymore.
I’m thinking I want to step down and away from everything in my life right now. I need to be able to think and not have any distractions. I need to carefully plan my next move and not be rash. Everything has to be calculated.
I’m not crazy. I know I always tease, goof around and I create a fabulous illusion that I’m a total spaz, but I’m not. Only when I want to be and when I channel that part of me. I feed off the energy that people around me have. If there is alot of energy I can use that, internalize it and then project it back. If I get negative energy, I do the exact same thing.
I think that I am very good at looking at both sides to see both view points and I totally look at myself to critic if I’m just irrational and I’ll ask friends for their honest opinion and when they give it to me, I’ll mull it over in my head.
However, I do need to be careful that I don’t make up my mind and barrel towards that goal without making sure all my t’s are crossed and i’s are dotted. I do pay extreme attention to detail when I need to.
I think this will benefit both of us. I know he’s not happy and neither am I. We done the whole counseling route. I’m done. I’ve emotionally unattached myself and that is the kiss of death. I don’t respect him. That too is the kiss of death. It’s not good that every time he goes away, I wish he’d die and never return. Not a good sign.
I should be happy in the situation that I’m in. People would trade places with me in a second and I’m just not. Something needs to change. Maybe I just need to step away from the situation to examine it better. However, when I do, I think everything will be better or will work out differently, but it never does. We’ve had long discussions until the wee hours of the morning of trying to work out our differences, however, the same cycle just keeps repeating itself. I’ve lost all hope in our relationship. This time it’s dead for good.
However, I do have hope for the future. I know what I want. I know what I’m looking for and I don’t have a doubt in my mind that I’ll get it.
I’m also at peace. I really do. I prayed about it and I felt that this course I chart is the right one. I knew from day one I shouldn’t have married him. When I prayed asking if I should marry him, the answer to marry him was always no, but I was so determined that I wouldn’t listen. I barged ahead anyway and here I am miserable.
I am looking forward to being independent, even though it will be hard to do. I just am at peace with this decision. We were never supposed to be together. We’ve changed and have grown apart. I no longer feel tied down to stay.
“It is better to end something and start another than to imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.”
There’s so many schools of thoughts on this. I understand where this is coming from and ya, it makes sense, however, on the other side, do you stop fighting and give up? What if that’s as good as it gets? What if it gets worse instead of better? You can’t run away from problems, if you do, they will keep reoccurring until you learn to deal with and learn the lessons you need to learn in this life.
Is hope not good for anything anymore? Sometimes you need hope to continue, but is hope futile? Is it just holding you down until it is too late? What if you walk away to then realize that what you left was possible if only you tried harder? Or if you walk away, will the road be too difficult to travel? Who will walk with you and if no one walks with you, can you handle the loneliness? Are you strong enough to leave and end it? If you stay and hope for the impossible, does that make you weak and stupid? Or is naive the better word?
What if the impossible is possible? What if fighting the uphill battle makes it all worthwhile in the end? What if you leave only to find another imprisoning battle on the other side? What if things do get better? What if they don’t get better? What if you leave and it’s all worthwhile? What if you are happier? What if in your wake to find personal happiness, you destroy the happiness of others? Is it still worthwhile?
What if you’re just crazy and it’s YOU that’s the problem not anyone else? What if you discover that happiness was something that you could never attain? What if nothing is ever good enough? What if you make all the wrong choices again and again? What if you are so deep in this prison that you can’t get out? What if you’re too scared to leave? What if this is all made up in your head and when in fact everyone else is sane, but you’re the one with the illusions?
What if you miss out on opportunities because you stayed? What if you still don’t listen to those around you? What if you are heading straight for a fall, because you keep looking behind you instead of ahead of you? What if you can’t see the answers even though everyone around you sees them and is telling you what they are? What if… What if…
So many questions with no answers. I wish I had a crystal ball or the ability to see the effects of my decisions. Like a rock that is tossed into the pond, every decision you make creates a ripple through time. Every decision you make will affect someone whether you know it or not. Whether it be your children (born or unborn), spouse, lifestyle, friends, etc.
Our finger prints never leave the lives we touch-Ghandi
I don’t want to go through life always thinking “What if?” I want to go through life saying “Remember when?”
Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten. G.K. Chesterton
I hate a liar more than I hate a thief. A thief is only after my salary, a liar is after my reality.
Sometimes the paths we take are long and hard, but remember: those are the ones that lead to the most beautiful views. ;o)
Relationships are like a party. No matter how much laughter you’ve shared, tears you’ve discussed and money you’ve spent, time will come that someone will say… “Party is over.”
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight
Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.
A woman multiplies and enlarges everything you give them, so if you give them crap, be prepared to receive a ton of sh*t!!
Somewhere there’s someone who dreams of your smile.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once . .
True courage is pursuing your dream even when everyone else says its impossible.
Ryan has traded services with a friend of ours. Ryan did some mechanical work for him and in turn he will help us finish our basement and fix things around the house. I’m thrilled.
“Just to let you know, I’ll be over to satisfy your wife in ways you cannot.” Jason says to Ryan.
hahahaha… This statement has bothered him ever since. Of course it was tongue in cheek, but I think it’s funny.
So I did I fundraiser for the school for the playground at a local restaurant. The restaurant had great ambiance, but the food was too be desired. It was a lot of fun. The band, Cumberland, was fantastic! Once the silent auction, 50/50 and live auction were over we raised $4520 and I was one happy little girl. I finally sat down and relaxed. Our friends were hilarious and I laughed so hard my tummy hurt, my face hurt and I had tears in my eyes. It was a wonderful evening.
Ever since I sat down Ryan was quiet, didn’t say a word, just sat and watched TV that was showing a hockey game. He doesn’t even like hockey.
“What’s the matter?” I asked him. “I’m just tired.” He said, not even looking at me, his eyes transfixed on the screen. I looked at my watch. It was 9pm. “You’re always tired.” I grumbled. “I just had a long day.” He said again, still staring at the TV. “Something else is going on, I can tell.” I say probing. He just shrugs. “No, I’m just tired.” He again reiterates. I don’t buy it. He’s got the same aura and the same attitude when he’s hiding something. Something is on his mind, I just don’t know what.
I didn’t let his coldness ruin my night. I just dove into conversations at the table and caught up on all the stuff I missed while I was running around.
I had a great time…. well, until that guy friend of mine, leaned over and whispered in my ear, “If are ever single again, give me a call and I’ll take care of you.” I just laughed, shook my head and didn’t say anything. I looked at Ryan who was not saying a word and just staring at the TV.
I’m sure the booze was talking, but I wasn’t impressed. I was irritated and annoyed.
It frustrates me that I can’t just be friends with someone. It’s like guys are incapable of being JUST a friend. They want more. It saddens me, because right now I just need a friend. If I do indeed make a leap away, it needs to be on my own terms so I don’t end up blaming anyone else for my decision when the going gets tough and believe me, I know the going will get tough.
The next day Ryan and I got into a rip roaring fight. One of ginormous proportions. We were to go to a 4H auction that day and buy my best friend’s son’s calf.
I woke up and Ryan was already gone. I figured he had gone to go work out. I called his cell 3 times in the morning, but no answer. So I got the kids breakfast, put them in baths and finally Ryan calls. He’s at the CrossFit Championships.
“I’m watching the CF games and they are amazing!” He gushes, “do you want to come and watch?” I look at my watch it is 12:00pm. “No, I’ve got to get ready. It takes me an hour to get ready and I have to get the kids ready to go as well. I can’t I don’t have enough time. We have to go to the auction remember?” “Oh ya.”
Then he goes on to tell me that he doesn’t have a cheque for the calf because he didn’t get one. I was furious. He knew this was happening. I told him he had to have a cheque ready that day. I felt so disappointed and let down by his once again promising people something then not delivering on his promise.
He does this all the time to me and I can deal with it, but when he does it to other people, that really upsets me and pisses me off. I flipped out. Once again he gives weak excuses as to why he doesn’t have the cheque, “No one told me.” When that doesn’t work, because both Shauna and I told him, his next excuses was, “I don’t have cheques at the office, they are with the book keeper. Which if he planned ahead he could have gotten a blank one. The next excuse was, “I just didn’t know that it would be that much.” I was not happy.
He came home just as I was getting into the shower. All the kids rejoiced because they actually got to see him this week. So I got in the shower happy that he had come home and we were going to go once I was ready. He would entertain the kids and hang out with them. I get out of the shower 10 min later only to find out to my dismay that the house is silent and everyone is gone.
I run around the house calling the kids, but no one is home. Furious I try to call Ryan but no answer on his cell phone. Exasperated I go get ready. Once I’m ready an hour later, no one is home so I just leave. I have to be there on time. Shauna wanted me there for 2pm and I know this day is important to her so I head out. I’m fuming and absolutely furious that Ryan has bailed once again. He probably took the kids to the CF games and once again has let me down.
I figure I’ll just pay for the calf then Ryan will transfer the money into my account.
Once I get there Ryan sends me a text. “Are you ready to go?”
“I’m already here.” I reply.
“Come back and get me.”
“NO, I’m already here. We had to be here for 2pm.”
Then the whole texting storm happened. He refused to pay for the calf. He called me a bitch. He said I was being nasty to him. I fought back of course calling him an ass and tell him that he was being a jerk if he says he’s going to buy the calf then backing out at the last minute. The war of words flew rapidly through the wonderful world of texting. I was shocked and surprised at how juvenile he was becoming and how much he was expressing. Probably because I wasn’t in his face.
When I got there I was furious and once I get mad, it’s hard for me to shake it off. I usually need to sleep it off. I had to explain to our friends that he wasn’t coming and why. I just showed Shauna the texts cuz I was so mad I was afraid I’d burst into tears if I talked. I was so embarrassed. I told her not to worry, that I would come up with the money to buy the calf. My other friend Jody was there and he also had money to buy the calf so we would just split it. I would have to take the money out of my Italy fund. I was furious.
Then Ryan shows up, but he’s mad too and when he arrives I flip out on him. He’s still not ready to pay for the calf and still doesn’t want to. “Just let Jody buy it. He’s got the money.” Now it wasn’t the money, it was the principal. It was his word. I was embarrassed to be associated with him. He clammed up and refused to argue with him just lamely giving me the same pathetic sorry excuses he had before. I was livid. I stormed off to cool off before I started all out screaming at him in public.
Jody followed me offering to console me. I was inconsolable. “What’s the matter. Talk it out. Get it off your chest.” He cooed. I hate to discuss things with people that I just don’t think is any of their business. But he persisted. Once I did tell him everything I regretted it.
“He just doesn’t understand that your word means everything. He’s destroying his family and not setting his priorities straight. You don’t need some beef cake guy, you need a guy with more subsistence, maybe a little rounder and who will stand by you.”
Oh F#%&!!! That was NOT what I was looking for. I DON’T need another a$$hole. I really don’t. I especially don’t want him. He’s a nice guy and all, but the whole subliminal, coy things he’s been saying is just too much and it’s irritating. First the slapping on the a$$, then the ‘call me if when you’re single.’ Now this? F! Seriously, F! This is not helping. Just adding to my problems.
Our friends had never seen this side of Ryan and it just killed the mood of the day. He was aloof, quiet and sulked the entire time. We didn’t talk to each other and didn’t even look at each other.
“Wow. I’ve never seen him like this before.” Shauna said quietly.
“Welcome to my life. He usually just does this to me. It makes me upset that he has done it to you as well.” I said sadly.
When does it become ok for a guy who is your friend to slap you on the ass?
NEVER!
We are not playing football here people, we are at a party…. and you’re not even drunk.
Just because I stand by your side does not give you the license to keep slapping me on the ass.
It pisses me off…. and I’ll hit back.
3 times it happened last night. Each time I snarled, “What the hell? Why did you do that?”
“because you’re standing by me. And it was there. You’ve just got a cute little ass and I just need to slap it.”
WTF?!? Seriously. I would let one slide, but a couple more times and I just went beserk. After punching him back, I stalked off. I kept my distance after that because anytime I stood by him, I got slapped.
Nothing drives me crazier than when I get slapped on the ass. I don’t know why. Even when Ryan does it, it pisses me off.
I haven’t figured out why yet. Maybe because I think it is degrading? I dunno. I need to mull that one over a bit to figure it out. Maybe it’s because I feel it’s an ownership thing? I really hate it when it’s done in public and everyone is watching. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all about PDA, but not in that way.
While we are out, I will slap Ryan on the ass or casually walk by and give his ass a squeeze, wink or I’ll whisper something naughty in his ear, but it’s usually done in a discreet manner so it’s just our moment.
I love private moments like that. A light caress, a little squeeze, something sweet, but not an all out obnoxious spank. That annoys the hell out of me.
So I was heading out to Kananaskis. I didn’t go until 4:30pm. It was such a beautiful day! +26C. I had to get a ride in! I tossed on my gear and hopped on my Ninja. It was wonderful.
I was happily chewing my gum, listening to music and lost in my thoughts. Driving my bike became automatic and second nature to me. I wasn’t freaking out while driving and I enjoyed looking around at the majestic scenery that lay out before me.
Deep into Kananaskis I passed some white mountain sheep sitting on the side of the road. I drove on and came upon a herd of 15 deer all clustered and hanging out on the road. I saw them from a distance so I was able to slow down. They didn’t care that cars were sitting there waiting for them to cross. They just owned that piece of road.
I finally honked because I was impatient to keep going. I knew it was getting later and I wanted to head further into the mountains before it got too cold, because once it got cold I would have to turn around and head back home. It’s always cooler in the mountains than it is back at home so I had to take advantage of the heat while I could.
I drove a little further and saw a Canadian goose chillin on the side of the road. The dark green Evergreens crowded the side of the road. The road got worse and worse the further in I headed. I went over 7 Texas Gates. After the first 2 I finally learned to lift my butt off the seat so it didn’t hurt so much going over those darn things. I didn’t slow down I just flew right through them.
I stopped to take a few pics of my bike and the scenery. I discovered that Sandy McNab is closed for the 2010 season and wouldn’t reopen until 2011. I was bummed. Now I’m going to have to find a new day camp place for the Activity Day girls.
I was trying to head over to Elbow Falls, but I didn’t know how much further into the mountains it would be. The air around me was getting cooler and I flipped my heated grips on. I stopped to take more pics and then turned around to head back home. I passed the herd of deer, still occupying the road as if they owned that section. I stopped to take pictures of them. Then continued along my way.
I love the mountains. Everything is so fresh, clean and there’s trees! Lots and lots of wonderful trees! I love nature. I just felt at peace riding my bike. I like riding by myself. There is no one I have to keep up to or no one else I have to worry about. I can just go at my own little pace. I’m loving my bike because it is a great escape. No one can call me or get in touch with me, it’s just me with my thoughts and imagination. Wonderful.
I let my mind wander as the road flew by underneath and the scenery blurred by. I took the time to stop at a few look out spots, just to listen to the silence of the forest and the babbling brook whisper below me.
I was about 2 min from the little town of Turner Valley, when I saw a bounding blur out of the corner of my eye. I instantly threw on my brakes. A deer was heading right towards me and he had no intentions of slowing down. I left a long black tire streak on the road as I applied my brakes, pulled in the throttle and began pumping down on my gears. I could hear my tire squealing in protest against the road and my back end began to fishtail around. As if it was second nature to me, I released the brake slightly then squeezed them again and the back end settled down. I thought I might hit the deer, but thankfully I missed the stupid thing by a foot.
I didn’t get a kick of adrenaline instead I was just annoyed and I felt like reaching out and spanking it’s ass as it bounded right by me. I seriously could have just reached over and tapped it. I am actually amazed I didn’t freak myself out. However, I took it all in stride and started up again. I was happy that I didn’t hit the dumb thing and uber proud of myself that I knew what to do.
I think I’m just odd. Whenever there is something really crazy and horrible about to happen or happening I handle it very calmly. It’s the little stuff that I freak out over and get in a tizzy about. I sweat the small stuff, but not the big stuff.
I came all the way back home without any incidents and I LOVED the ride. Even with the crazy deer all over the road. I didn’t get back until 8:00pm.
I’m starting to crave going on the bike and riding. I just get a thrill from riding my Ninja.
When I get really mad I just go silent. Now I’m sure to most people it’s a relief when I do grow quiet, when in fact it should strike fear and terror into their hearts.
When I’m silent and non-responsive I’ve just shut down. My walls are completely up and I refuse to have a conversation because I’m furious. I’m usually just wishing I was Darth Vader or wishing I was somewhere else or with someone else or just channeling a lot of mental hate towards someone.
There are exceptions to the rule. Sometimes I’m quiet because I’m just content with life at that moment in time and I’m enjoying the quiet bond that is developing.
However, most of the time, I’m continuing the conversation in my head and I’m screaming my thoughts at the person wishing they could sense or hear what I’m not saying out loud.
Yesterday was that kind of day. I was all happy and bubbly finally content with my little state of life for the moment when it all came to a dead end halt once I went out with Ryan.
He drove me to my eye appointment. I got my eyes lasered a few weeks ago. So this was just a check up. 20/20 vision. Wonderful. Then we decided to go to The Vintage. It was not good this time, but I think it was part due to the company and not the food. When I get stressed my stomach turns into knots, I can’t eat and everything doesn’t taste very good.
We started arguing about money again. Ryan had agreed to give me an extra $1000/month and now he’s changing his mind and giving me less. I feel like he’s an Indian giver. He has the money he just doesn’t want to give it to me. He knows I’m saving for Italy and heaven forbid if he makes it easy for me. I hate having to ask him for money or anything. I feel like he dangles it over my head like a carrot. I hate that.
I just withdrew so fast and shut down. I stopped eating and just played with my phone. Thank goodness for the iphone. I have a tonnes of apps that I never get bored with it. I sat back and played my phone for the entire hour. I barely touched my food and didn’t say a word. If Ryan asked me anything I either ignored him or gave a one word answer.
Is that juvenile? Maybe, but it’s how I cope. I really am trying not to fly off the handle and freak out all the time or say something that’s not nice or mean so I resort to silence.
As we got out of the restaurant and were walking towards the van he kept looking at me and smiling.
“What?” I asked, glaring at him.
“You are so beautiful and I just love being with you. ” He says smiling from ear to ear.
I don’t say anything, just shoot him a ‘I wish you were dead look’ and kept walking. I didn’t take comfort in that comment. Instead it just made me feel worse. He’s so head over heels in love with me and I just don’t feel the same way about him. The harder I push him away the more he clings on like a barnacle to a reef.
We went to go see a movie because I just didn’t want to speak to him and I didn’t want to have anything to do with him. Movies are always the best bet.
As we walked into the crowded mall and theatre, the girls were all checking him out as he passed them by or approached them. Normally, I would be possessive and hold his hand or walk close to him and claim him as mine.
Today I felt like saying, “You want him? Please take him, cuz I don’t want him. He’s all yours. Enjoy. He’s cute but dumb.”
I passed him and marched on ahead putting distance between us not even caring if he was following or not.
We went to see Robin Hood. I didn’t like it. I found it boring. It was too long. By the 2 hour mark I was looking down at my watching wondering when it was going to be over and that was during a climactic part of the show right before the big battle scene. I began to look around and people around me to see if they were engrossed in the movie. They all were. sigh
I checked my watch 5 times to make sure that yes I had indeed been sitting on my arse for the past 2 hours. I think movies need to be made so they leave you wanting more instead of leave you wanting to get the hell out of the theatre.
After the movie I rode in silence waiting for him to talk. He didn’t because he has no conversation skills, so I just pretended to sleep during the ride home. I didn’t want to talk. I was just content to sulk all evening long and feel sorry for myself. A little pity party for 1.
I hate how he makes me feel. Anytime I’m a cow instead of being mean or rude, he just pours on the charm and kindness. It pisses me off. It just makes me feel like I’m the bad person here. He is so manipulative and passive aggressive that I really resent him.
A friend that I’ve known since college had warned me not to marry him. In fact ALL my friends did. I need to listen to them more. Personality wise, we just don’t match. I wanted arm candy and I got it. However, just because they are good looking it doesn’t mean they have a great personality. I’m beginning to learn that more and more.
Then again, whether people are good looking or not everyone can be a total jackass.
So I finally booked my flight. After waffling back and forth on whether to come back on the 7th or the 10th, I chose the 7th. Then I was kicking myself for picking that once I found out that I lose 2 days traveling there. Sucky. Oh well.
I’m excited at going. I think it will be a fun adventure. I need to start planning out the trip and setting things in place. In order to make it not so overwhelming for me I’m going to start by just doing each city or town at a time.
Whoo hoo! Let the fun of planning begin.
or cowgirl that is. I took my Ninja out and just rode all over town for 2 hours. By the time I got off I felt a little bow legged.
I hit a little bit of the highway, but it got so cold so quickly that I didn’t stay on it for long. My leathers have breathing holes in them so once I start going fast over 100km it got cold for me. So I stuck to driving all over town discovering new little places and practicing technique on the bike.
I really enjoyed myself. I would have stayed out longer, but it got a little cold and I figured it was time to go back since I had no clue what time it was. Chewing gum and listening to my ipod really does make the ride enjoyable for me. I am able to distract myself enough that I don’t think about driving, I just do it.
Beautiful days are upon us and I’m really looking forward to getting to know the Monster a whole lot better.
I’ve finally decided that it’s my crazy ADD/ADHD… whatever you want to call it that makes me go mental. I’m crazy. Plain and simple.
I’m so stressed out because I have a million things going on in my life and I keep taking things on. Instead of saying, “No” I just keep saying, “Yes”. It’s frustrating really.
Now I’m Parent Council President, Joshua’s Team Manager for his baseball, Stampede Breakfast Event Coordinator, Activity Day Girls Leader, + 5 kids on top of that. Egads. Each of them is a huge time commitment. I’m freaking out.
I’m so stressed out. I can’t wait until summer when I have 2 months of nothing. The only thing I have to focus on is the kids and which camp spot to go to… oh ya, and to figure out where to go while I’m in Italy.
Yep, to top it off I’ve decided to go to Italy. I’m excited, but I need constant reassurance that I can make it. I keep going back and forth on whether or not to go.
Just like hang gliding or sky diving. I just need to take a deep breath and jump… but usually someone is dragging me off the edge and helping me leap. Once I’m airborne and free, I’m loving every single minute of it. It’s just getting there.
I’ve always wanted to travel on my own. Now here it is. September 19 - October 10, 2010 I’ll be in Italy trying to figure my way around the place. It’s going to be a helluva fight to get there. It’s something that I want so badly, yet it scares me. I’m glad I’m pushing myself and forcing myself out of my little bubble. I love feeling the butterflies and the unknown of what the hellz bellz is gonna happen as I go around the corner.
I just want to go. I want to experience the whole travel thing and see if I can actually make it. I crave the solitude and the time to just be. Without the hustle and bustle of life swirling around me and engulfing me.
I need to learn how to pace myself in life. I seem to go 110 miles/hour and it just leaves me dizzy trying to keep up with myself. I need to pick 2 things and just do those 2 things. Kids is always 1…. 2 is… well… I dunno. I have so many obligations and its hard to narrow it down to the other.
I try to do so much for everyone else that I always seem last on the list. When I do something for myself I just feel guilty. Like I don’t deserve it and that I should be giving to others instead. sigh
This Italy trip would be for me. I’m flying solo on this one. Ryan isn’t coming with me and he’s finally on board with me going. He’s not making it easy by any means, but at least he’s going to let me go. Because he’s not excited for me to go it puts a damper on the trip because I have no one to be thrilled that I’m going. Sometimes I just need encouragement and a little gentle push.
Here goes nothing.
Taking a deep breath and jumping….
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs….’
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . .
AMEN!
So because I lean slightly toward the crazy side, I have once again taken on waaaaay to much because I can’t seem to learn my lesson in life.
In addition to adding to the role of Parent Council President for the kids school, (which is like a full time job), I’ve also volunteered to be the Team Manager for Joshua’s Baseball team, I’m the Activity Day Girls Leader AND now I’m doing the Stampede Breakfast in July. I know I said I’d never do it again… but never say never I suppose.
How do I get suckered into all these things? It’s cuz no one steps up and I just go, “Oh Hell! I’ll do it!” I just feel bad, for some odd reason, that no one is helping and some stupid part of me feels the need to help. I feel guilty if I don’t. No just doesn’t seem to be in my vocabulary if there is some sort of volunteer position available.
I’m taking my vitamin doses quite heavily cuz I’m afraid of what will happen if I come off of it. I am due for a big crash sometime in the near future and these vitamins keep that horribleness away.
I planned the Stampede Breakfast in a day. I had everything booked and done. Why did I say yes? Cuz my favorite Bishop and now he’s in the Stake Presidency is in charge of the event and he has given me carte blanche… I get whatever I want, no arguing or fighting from anyone and I also get anyone I want to work with. Also, the budget is no longer an issue. Everything is taken care of, I just get to work the magic and plan a fun party. I love it.
I am so excited over this breakfast. I think because I know I won’t be harassed and constantly questioned by people around me. It took me one day. One. To plan the entire thing. Everything is book and ordered. From entertainment, to food, to grills to the band. Done.
There are minor details that need to be worked out and there’s ALWAYS something that crops up, but for now I’m happy that the majority is handled.
I’m instantly putting all my notes into the computer so no more loose pieces of paper that flies around like crazy.
I’m still so very busy with the playground. It’s finished being put in, the next thing will be just a little bit more fundraising. Then it will be over. However, then I move along to doing a path and doing naturalization at the playground.
I am also doing a 4 tier wedding cake this weekend. Egads. I’m so annoyed I have to do this cake. This is such a crazy week for me. Monday - Planned the stampede breakfast all day. I had 2 phones ringing at me. Went and looked at a motorhome with Ryan. He wants to get this motorhome. It’s older, but inside it looks brand new - despite the gawd awful pink coloring, it looks great. The only flaw is that it’s too small for our family, but Ryan is just hell bent on getting this stupid thing. I think it’s cuz he doesn’t want to have to drive out to get me all the time. So I pretty much won’t see him for the entire summer. The thing is a huge box. How I’m going to drive it - no idea. It really does not have enough space, so I’m trying to convince Ryan to take the motorhome and the 5th wheel to then trade it in for a 29V with 4 bunks in the back, a dinette and couch that folds down and a bed over the driver. We just need the space really.
Tuesday - Dentist appointment for Brandon, Grocery shopping, plan out and get ready for the mother/daughter activity on Wednesday, do a boat load of School Council stuff, bake cakes for Jodi’s wedding, Joshua has baseball in Nanton
Wednesday - Mother daughter activity, Brandon and Mya have gymnastics, more planning for school council, stampede breakfast and clean the house
Thursday - Meeting at the school for the entertainment coupons, I work in the evening, get the folders ready for the stampede breakfast, contact businesses for donations for the live auction at the end of the month.
Friday - make the 4 tier cake. It will easily take me ALL day and night to do this.
Saturday - Go to the wedding, assemble and finishing touches on the cake.
Sunday - Go to 4 wards - make announcements and distribute folders.
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