The journey between here and there

I’m so crushed. I hate riding…. well…. I hate riding in the rain to be specific.

On the 3rd day we did counter-steering. They way it was described and when they did an example, it was over exaggerated and I just couldn’t wrap it around my head. So I had difficulty with it all class. I left class 3 frustrated yet again.

Day 4 our last class. I finally got the counter steering. I watched video’s on youtube and I understood it. I practiced 4 times, then got it down. I jumped on 4 different bikes and finally settled on the one I liked on the 3rd day. A “blue” (Trevor called it purple, it’s blue) Kawasaki sport bike. It was my fav. So I drove around and began to practice my circles, serpentines and slow maneuvers. For some reason I can do a serpentine down the hill, but going back up I psych myself out and weave all over the place. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my mind.

We went on our first ride out of the parking lot today and I absolutely hated it. If I never jump on another bike again, I don’t even care cuz I hated it so much. I’m so crushed and very, very upset.

When we first left it was a little chilly. It had been raining all day and it was drizzling a little bit today as we drove around and practiced more. I had on a tiny 1/2 sleeved low shirt with my thin leather jacket. I was cold when I got there, but I was stupid and didn’t bring a sweater along because my mind was occupied with all the meetings I had at work today.

I looked around my van for a sweater or extra shirt, but no such luck. So I tried to button up as far as I could go, but it was low. So basically if it was +25C it would have been ok, but I’m sure it was only +10 and it was windy. I was so nervous of going out. I didn’t feel I was ready. Thankfully, the instructor put me 3rd in line so I would be following him. I was so glad cuz I can mimic very well. Whatever he did, I did.

We went out and before we left the parking lot I got cold. I HATE being cold. We drove out further and I got colder. We went faster and I got even colder. I began to shake and my teeth began to rattle and clatter about 6 minutes in. As we went on faster roads it began to rain…. and not just rain a few drops, I’m talking about a nice little rain storm. So now I’m cold, shaking, my teeth are clattering, I can barely keep the bike straight cuz my hands are numb, my legs are numb, the wind is sweeping down my chest and front. My lips were cold I could barely move them. The cars passing us are spraying water in our paths and the big trucks are splashing water all over as they passed. I started losing focus because I was so cold.

I had a hard time keeping the bike straight because I was shaking so bad. I started to lose my balance a little. I began to talk to myself telling myself that I could keep going and not stop. My legs gripped the sides of the bike and I tried to snuggle into the seat because it was warm. I fixated on the instructors tail light and never took my eyes off him. I just kept telling myself over and over that I could make it and to keep going. I was so cold. My body was shaking so violently I was so cold. I HATE being cold. My jeans were soaked, my helmet kept fogging up, so I tipped up the visor up, the rain came pelting in my face and it stung like little mosquitoes. I tipped it down and the rain drops were sliding down in front reducing my visibility. Now I’m a psycho and I hate having even the littlest amount of rain on my car windshield. I was pissed that it was on my visor and I could hardly see. Every time we stopped at a light I tried to wipe the rain drops off and clear it off. It sucked. I hated every moment. We were out for 40 agonizing minutes.

Seriously, I don’t even want to take my test and get my license. If I don’t ever ride a motorcycle again, I could careless. I hated it that much. I hated the bumps. I hated the freezing cold. I hated the freezing wind. No part of it was enjoyable. When we got back we had to tell what was the highlight. They came to me and I was at a loss. Everyone was raving about something or another. I hated every bit of it. So I just said, “arriving back in the parking lot safe and sound and having the instructor in front of me so he could lead me back.” I just hated it. HATED IT!

When it was nice out and the sun shining, I loved riding in the parking lot. This riding in the rain blows goats and sucks rotten eggs.

Ryan said I should just get my license anyway, but I don’t even care now. I’m so stressed out by this and this is turning into torture cuz I’m not getting everything perfect. My stress levels have increased so much and I don’t handle stress very well. I just feel like crying, but I am too stressed out and frustrated. I’m so, so, so upset. I’ve wanted this so badly and I’m just crushed that I hate it so much. I was so tense and so stressed during the first ride I couldn’t even enjoy it cuz I was so damn cold. My shoulders ache, my arms ache and my neck aches from tensing up so much while on the ride from hell.

*sigh* This sucks.

Gah! I’m going too hard. I’m so exhausted, tired and frustrated. I want to hit something.

I get up at 6:30am, get ready for work, go to work, work through lunch so I can leave at 3:00pm, so I can make it 1 hour way to my motorcycle lessons, then take lessons from 5:45 - 10:30pm. Drive home, then I’m back by 11:30pm, unwind and clean up the disaster and start all over again. This is how my week will go this week. I’m so freakn’ exhausted. I wish I didn’t need sleep. I’m dyin’.

This motorcycle riding is harder than I thought. The first day we learned how to start and take off. Today we are doing shifting and cornering. The shifting is going ok, and the cornering is going ok, but I’m frustrated because I learn by repetition and I feel like I don’t get to do the same thing over and over enough until I have it perfect. It just seems like I’m just getting it then, boom, they switch to something different. The 2 instructors are not that great, but the owner kicks ass! He’s awesome! He’s got the patience of Job and he really explains things very well. I like specific, constant instruction and he’s always right there. He’s fabulous. The other 2, they are ok, but not all that great.

Today we did circles and serpentines all day today along with shifting. I was so frustrated near the end and Trevor picked up on it. He was able to calm me down and gently talked me through the serpentine. It was good. I still left tonite very frustrated because I wanted it to be perfect. I was able to do the circles and serpentines, but I wanted it to be perfect from start to finish. I would get it perfectly right until the very last turn and I’d run over a cone or I wouldn’t slow down enough to do the turn and blow it too wide. GAH! I want these to be perfect cuz this is what you’re tested on for your license. I’m so determined to do this right. I just want more practice. I feel like I spend the majority of my time sitting in a stupid line waiting for everyone else to go so I can go. I just want to do the same thing over and over and over until it’s right.

I left just frustrated and angry. I just wish I would cry just to let it all out, but I can’t. Instead it’s just building up inside and right now I just want to punch something or go for a long, fast run until I dry heave and have no energy left to exert any anger.

A teacher asks her class, ‘if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little Johnny says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little Johnny replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,'’ but I like your thinking.’

Ryan and I spent the evening at the Stampede. I wanted to catch State of Shock perform on the Coke Stage at 9:30pm. We had a great time goofing around with the military guys, checking out the tanks, the missiles and the guns. Those guns are sure heavy. I could barely lift them. That’s why I’m not in the military. I’m a wimp.

We hit the mini donuts, corn dogs, corn on the cob, caramel apples, beef on a bun and kielbasa. It was all so yummy, except the corn dogs, they were gross, but Ryan loves them. We ended up walking around the roundup centre. We looked at all the displays. Ryan found his favorite, the massaging chairs. I left him there and went to look at all the art. I bought a piece. It’s black with 12 red and orange fish swimming a circle. The guy told me that it meant good fortune. I just fell in love with it and couldn’t walk away, so I bought it. I spent the rest of the time in the art gallery and just lost myself for an hour. I was so happy. I loved looking at all the sculptures, the paintings and the photographs. There were a few prints that I would have loved to buy, but the place was closing down and I didn’t have time to look at everything.

Ryan refused to stand and wait for State for Shock for a couple of hours before the concert so we got there 15 min before the concert started. I was annoyed cuz by the time we got there all the front seats and any of the benches or planters were already taken. Being vertically challenged I was irked because I wanted to work my way to the front, but once again Ryan just wanted to hang out in the back and not go up to the front. *sigh*

So we listened from about 20 feet away from the stage. It wasn’t too bad. I was able to see everything and they sounded great! I loved all their songs, even the ones I didn’t know.

They played: The Best I Ever Had:

Hearts that Bleed:

Money, Honey
You Really Got Me
Stupid
If I could
And a bunch more.

They were engaging and all their songs were great. After the concert, I wanted to go meet them and pick up their CD and get it autographed, but Ryan didn’t want to stand in line. *shocker* So we went and got him a drink and something to eat (cuz he needs to be fed every 2 hours) then by the time I was able to convince him to go back, the line was closed and we couldn’t get in the line anymore. I was annoyed yet again. Seriously, he drives me crazy. I just glared at him and walked away. He was just grinning and all smug. I’m so exasperated with him.

We took the sky ride through the stampede. As we were taking the sky ride the fireworks were going off. I love fireworks. It amazes me how some guys have no inhibitions at all. A guy going the other way looks at me, smiles and says, “Hey, Gorgeous!” Ryan was sitting right beside me. Seriously. Who does that? He must have been drunk. I looked behind me thinking he was talking to someone in the cart behind me, but there was no one behind us in the several other carts. He turns around and waves back at me. I just shake my head and smile then turn around. Craziness.

We finished watching the fireworks at the bridge. Then we took the train back to our car. Despite Ryan being a snufalupagus, the night was wonderful. It was great to get out without the kids. My favorite part was watching the band and looking at all the art.

Yesterday, a couple of guys enter the theatre and I go up to them asking them if they would like to buy a ticket.
They tell me they are just here to check out the theatre since their gym is right next door and they just moved to Calgary.
The one guy thought he was pretty hot stuff. His ego almost filled the lobby.
He looks at me and says, “Wow, so there must be a requirement that you have to be hot to work here huh?”
I just look at his friend and look back at him.
“That’s weak.” I told him.
“I try,” he says.
“You need to work on your pick up lines, cuz that’s horrible.”
He then goes on to explain to me that Calgary is crawling with gorgeous women and that his neck hurts at the end of the day from looking at all the beautiful women everywhere.

He starts to strike up a conversation and I unfortunately need to entertain him and his retarded banter. Eventually the conversation leads to this:

Guy who thought he was pretty hot says to me: So I had to run all the way from Okotoks to downtown Calgary. It took me forever!
Me: You ran? It takes like 45 min to DRIVE… and you ran? Why?
Guy: Cuz I didn’t have a car.
Me: So why didn’t you call a taxi?
Guy: My cell phone battery died.
Me: So why didn’t you stop at the 24 hr. gas stations in town. There are 2 on the main drag as you head out of town and just use their pay phone to call a cab?
Guy: Cuz I only had $5
I was shocked and raised my eye brows. I just looked at him and shook my head.
Me: Wow…. you really have a lot of brawn, but not a lot is rattling up there huh?
He just stares at me and blinks, so I don’t think he got it.
His friend was howling with laughter.
Me: You know you could have gotten the gas attendant to give you change for your $5, then you could have used the pay phone at the gas station to call a cab.
He then stammers on and tries to explain himself, but just ends up sounding even more stupid.
I was really shocked at the stupidness this guy exhibited. I have never run into anyone that was that clueless before.

So I was just coming off of working 5 days straight in the evenings. I’m beginning to realize that working in the evenings blows goats cuz I’m exhausted all the time. I will work from 5pm - 2am then I’m up at 8am to take care of the kids all day. I may or may not get a nap in, but even if I do, it’s only a quick one.

We go to Drumheller every Canada Day, have the free pancake breakfast, go see the parade, go to the splash park, go to the Monster truck rally, go to the reptile museum or the Drumheller museum. We go with friends and always have a great time.

Monday night I had to work so before I left I told Ryan to have the kids help clean out the van, pack extra clothes, their swim suit and a towel in the backpacks, pack up the cooler and all the snacks. Have the kids sleep in their clothes they will wear that day so that in the morning we just wake up, grab them from their beds and toss them into the van.

I called from work to remind Ryan of the things he has to do.

“What are you doing?” I ask
“Cleaning the basement.” He answers.

*sigh*
“I didn’t ask you to clean the basement. I asked you to clean the van and have the van packed with the kids clothes and snacks for our trip.”
“I’ll see if I can get around to it.” He says.
“No, no. You NEED to do that, so we can leave on time tomorrow and catch the breakfast. Just leave the basement alone and get the kids to clean the van instead.”
“ok.”

I get home at 2am and peek into the van. Everything is still dirty and nothing is packed in the van. I am too exhausted to pack so I go to bed and set the alarm for 5:30am. I’m furious because he just ignored me again, did whatever the hell he wanted and didn’t listen to me, yet again.

I get up at 5:30am, shower, get ready, get the kids up, have them clean out the van, pack the snacks and repack their backpacks. We don’t end up leaving until 7:20am. I’m furious at Ryan. We are now going to miss the breakfast because of his inability to follow instructions.

We pull into McDonalds for breakfast since we would miss the one in Drumheller. Everyone orders.

Ryan: What do you want to eat?
Me: Pancakes and sausages.
Ryan:(into the microphone to order): A big Breakfast please.
Me: Are you kidding me? I asked for pancakes and sausages.
Ryan: That’s what I got you.
Me: NO! You ordered the Big Breakfast. I DON’T WANT the big breakfast. I wanted pancakes and sausages. Did you not hear? I know I spoke clearly.
Ryan: Well, you can have the Big Breakfast. It comes with that.
Me: No, it doesn’t! The big breakfast doesn’t have pancakes. It has eggs. I don’t want eggs, I want sausages. I’ve read the menu. Would you just order what I want instead of what you THINK I want? I KNOW what I want and I don’t want the big breakfast, I WANT THE PANCAKES AND SAUSAGES. Why don’t you LISTEN to me?!?

At this point I’m screaming cuz I’m still so pissed about the morning and now he’s not listening AGAIN when I tell him exactly what I want. I was just freaking out. The lady behind the speaker heard everything and she’s like…

Drive through lady at McDonalds: “Uhhh…. soooo… do you want the Pancakes and Sausages then instead of the Big Breakfast?”
Me:”YES!”
I then turn to Ryan and say, “Even SHE understands what I want! What is wrong with you?”
He just starts to grin.
I then begin to realize he’s just doing this to get under my skin and piss me off.
“You know, if I was Darth Vader, you’d be dead. I really hate you right now.” I sneer.
Ryan just laughs.
I was so mad, I swear I almost had an aneurysm.

I ate, then slept the entire way to Drumheller. We had a great time at the parade. We sat near the beginning and the kids collected lots of candy. They loved the parade. We went to Sobey’s after and had beef on a bun. After we went to the splash park. I laid in the grass,took a nap and was the designated parent to take the kids to the bathroom. So every 20 min. a different kid had to go to the bathroom. I wish they would all go at once. The kids chased each other around through the splash park and had a great time. We stayed until 5pm. The clouds began to roll in so we packed up, headed to DQ to cash in the free coupon we got from the parade and had some ice cream. Then we drove the 2 hours home. I slept the entire way home.

I hate working so late, cuz it just throws me for a loop the next day. Then again, I only got 3 hours of sleep. I hate having to sleep. I wish I didn’t have to sleep. I wish that I could just stay awake and have lots of energy with none of the effects of lack of sleep.

Why is it that people are constantly asking me if I’m having a mid-life crisis just because I want to go to a bunch of fun stuff? Just because I don’t want to get fat, sit on the couch and watch TV all day people are questioning all the things I am doing. I’m so extremely annoyed.

Now I suppose I can understand from their point of view because all the people have only known me while I was prego and nursing. So I was tired and no, I wasn’t sky diving… cuz I was usually knocked up. I spent the last 11 years pregnant or nursing. I just didn’t do anything but gestate and try to cope all those years. I was drowning.

Having kids right away was never my plan. My plan was to graduate from high school. Get my photojournalism degree (which I did), work for a bit, go on a mission, then go be a photographer for National Geographic taking pics all over the world and traveling to every country. I wanted to do all sorts of things. I wanted to ride in a helicopter, be a cop, be a DJ, be a reporter, work on a cruise ship, travel all over the world, write a book, be a stunt driver, drive a race car, get my pilots license and fly a plane…. the list just goes on and on. I was just never outspoken about it and I didn’t do anything about it. I just kept it to myself and those were my private thoughts and my private dreams. Back then anything that ever meant anything to me, I never talked about. I was too used to having my mother dash my dreams or make fun of me for them, so I quickly learned at a very young age to keep special things that meant a lot to myself and not share them.

I just wanted to experience everything I could, then settle down and get married and have kids when I was around 30 - 33. I figured that would be a good age to start having kids. So my entire life was planned out. Play for 10-15 years then settle down. Well, life has a weird way of slapping you in the face. Instead I, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how I look at it, met Ryan, got knocked up and started my family first. That was so hard. I look back now and just see a lot of darkness and sadness. It took me a good… ooohhhh… 8 years to get over the fact that I didn’t do what I had originally planned. I kept living in the past and couldn’t push forward. I figured life as I knew it was over. I was to be a mom and wasn’t allowed to do anything else. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable.

I don’t know what finally ignited the light again. Maybe it was a combination of a bunch of things. I met a few friends who kept going to school to get their masters even though they had kids. Amazing women who could do everything, sew, cook, build stuff, was all crafty and who didn’t let motherhood stop them from doing things or learning new things. I guess I just stopped having a pity party for myself and decided to just do something I’ve always wanted to do. When I went to Amanda’s wedding, that’s what wet my appetite and made me hunger for adventure.

I flew out on Wednesday and went to Victoria all by myself. I had to go through the airport and I wandered around Victoria all by myself. It just made my heart pound. I felt that sense of, ‘I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but let’s just take this road and see where it takes me. If I get lost, I’ll just ask for directions.’ I had not been by myself like that ever. I always had my parents or Ryan with me. I loved it. I walked along the Pacific Ocean, watched the sunset, watched street performers, watched artists paint and display their art. I just loved it. Not for a second did I miss Ryan or the kids. I just felt peace and freedom. I was so relaxed. I didn’t realized how stressed I was until the hairdresser was doing my hair for the wedding and she commented on my hair.

She told me that a few pieces of my hair was going white from the tip to the root which is extremely abnormal. She pulled it out for me to take a look at. She said that hair normally turns white from the root to the tip, but when a person is under extreme stress it will turn white from tip to root. I thought that was so interesting. She then told me of a person she knew who lost her mom, got a divorce and lost her job all within a 2 year period. The hairdresser said that her hair turned white from the stress and she was only in her late 20’s. I knew I was stressed, just didn’t know my body was having issues as well.

Friday Ryan showed up and my stress level shot through the roof. The wedding was so much fun. I laughed and had a great time that entire day. After the wedding Ryan and I spent a couple extra days in BC. I was so mad and so stressed and so upset at him the entire time. He just drove me nuts and I think he did stuff on purpose just to get a rise out of me. I hated being with him and I hated traveling with him.

I told him I wouldn’t travel with him ever again and I just wanted to go on my own. While we were in BC we ziplined down a mountain. We went and saw Hatley castle where X-Men and Smallville filmed. I was just thrilled out of my mind. I wanted to go Kayaking in the ocean, but the ball and chain was being an ass. He refused to stop and ask for directions. Instead wherever we went we got lost for a good hour before I finally made him stop and I asked for directions. It was so infuriating and made me madder that a hornet. By the time we finally found our destination the place was closed. I was so frustrated. I was screaming at Ryan, “I am getting white hairs because of YOU!!!!! YOU are stressing me out!”

I just loved being on my own those first couple of days and trying all those fun things. We went sight seeing all over Victoria and had fish and chips right on the dock. It was great. I wanted to feel that pit in my stomach again and that adrenaline pumping. When we went to Vegas I felt that again while jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet, while meeting Dave, riding in a race car, going on the rides at the Stratosphere, watching David Copperfield do magic and just exploring all the hotels. It was just so great. I just love experiencing new things and exploring.

It took me about a month to recover from Victoria and from Vegas. After being on such a high, I would come home and just crash. I was miserable again. Finally, I decided to just do things that scared me. I live in the best city in Canada and I think it’s 3rd in North America or in the world some poll or survey said. The mountains are at my fingertips. I live at the base of the mountains and there is soooooooooo much to do out here. People pay huge money to play in my backyard and I LIVE here. So I was determined that this summer I would play and experience as much as I could. Now that I’m working a little I can now afford to play a little more. This year would be my year. Just my year to be a little selfish and do things I’ve wanted to do.

I’ve packed my summer so I’m constantly busy. I booked and paid for my motorcycle lessons, I booked campgrounds, I am going to go to Canada Olympic Park and go zorbing. That’s where they push you down the ski hill in a big ball like a hamster. I’m doing the zip line at COP, I’ll go on the luge and try the eurobungee.

I’ve booked a day to go paintballing, I’ve found a guy who does tandem hang gliding, parasailing and decided on the company I want to go whitewater rafting with. I booked a camp so we get to stay in a teepee for 3 nights. I’ve made plans to go to the splash park, the science centre, the zoo, parades, have BBQ’s and still work. I’m also actively looking for a nanny. I’m going to go to work for 3 days Monday - Wednesday and then do a couple days in the evenings. I’m getting so much grief for going back to work. I’m so sick of it. I’m hoping that by going to work during the day it will give me a break from the kids and help me to appreciate them more. Right now I can’t stand all the whining, crying, fighting and mischievousness that goes on. I’m just not one of those Mary Poppins mom’s. I’m like Cruella DeVill.

I guess, I’m the type of person that has to go 120% then once I get it out of my system I slow down a bit, until the next burst of ‘I need to do stuff comes along.’ Am I burning the candle at both ends? Will I snap? I don’t know. I’m too busy, have to much on my mind and am too tired to think about it. I do like to throw a bunch of balls in the air and juggle them for as long as I can until they all come tumbling down. Then I go off and nurse my wounds for a few days, then slowly start picking up balls and start juggling again.

So am I going through a mid-life crisis? No, I don’t think so. I’m just doing stuff I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had great examples of people just doing what they think of and dream of so why can’t I? I just need this outlet. I need to keep this going or else I’m going to be one of those women who snap, leave their husband and children and just disappear with some other man. THAT is a midlife crisis, in my mind. I just want to play and have fun. People suck right now. I just want to stay away from everyone for a moment, cuz right now if I hear another, “Are you going through a mid-life crisis?” comment I wanna rip each of their fingers off, dice them, toss them in a salad and eat their fingers, while pummeling them in the face with an anvil.

….*sigh* I’ve got anger issues today. I need to be left alone.

Today my 5 year old peed in a plastic pop bottle, then climbed up our 7 foot fence and threw the pee bottle into the neighbors yard.

*sigh*

The other siblings told on him. I marched him over to the neighbors, made him take back the bottle and apologize. I told him to dump the pee into the grass then throw the bottle into the garbage. He took off like lightening, while I talked to the neighbor. I followed him soon after and look in the garbage. There was the bottle and it was tipped over with pee running all over the garbage can.

*URG*

Now, I’m going to make him hose out the garbage can. The kid is a nightmare.

Ring….
“Hello”
“Joanne!…”
“Hi Mom”
“We are coming to visit you on Tuesday. Your Aunty is visiting and we are coming to stay at your house over night on Tuesday. We will want dinner as well. Can you make steak? You aunt hasn’t had Alberta steak yet.”
“uhhh… ok?” In my mind I wasn’t on planning to spend a lot on groceries this week, but I guess now my plan has changed. 7 people at $12 - $15 a steak. *sigh*
“… it doesn’t have to be anything fancy, you know.”
“Right.”
“I also want you to take us around to the malls in Calgary, you aunt wants to open her store in Alberta and is trying to find a good location, so I need you to drive us around on Tuesday when we arrive in the afternoon.”
I hate doing this type of driving around especially since my mother doesn’t know how to follow someone and is a horrible driver.
“Well, I can’t cuz the kids are all out of school so I’d have them all day. It would be pure chaos bringing them all to the mall all day. but I’m sure Ryan would LOVE to do that. This way I can have dinner ready for when you get back from scouting location prospects. ”
“ok. We’ll be in Tuesday afternoon. I’ll call you when we’re there.”

*UGH* I quickly call to schedule the cleaners to come on Monday the day before. I look at the huge pile of laundry and the chaos hardwood floors that the kids painted on Sunday with craft paint, the toys dotting the floors, books, blankets, shoes, coats and stuffed animals everywhere. This is going to be quite the adventure in trying to prep this house for “The Aunt.” Now my aunt is the rich one that owns a bunch of jewelry stores. She has maids, cooks, security guards, nannies and cleaners. She has the best of everything and lives in this gargantuan house.. I look at my walls that are covered in little fingerprints or crayon drawings. The lower windows and walls have baby slobber and baby finger prints all over them. I feel so overwhelmed.

Summing up courage I get out the Mr. Clean magic eraser (my favorite cleaning tool), the rubber gloves and call my middle child to clean off his artwork. I get a rag, wet it then call the 2nd child in the line up and have him scrub all the paint off the hardwood floor in the den. I grab the broom and mop, hand it to my oldest daughter and have her sweep and mop the kitchen. The 3 year old I have her pick up all her toys off the floor and bring them to the toy box. The baby I put down for a nap so he doesn’t interfere in the cleaning process. I begin on the mountain of laundry. It doesn’t go as smoothly as that. Lots of sneaking away, goofing around and the boys whipping each other with the cloth while they clean.

I’m in panic mode for the next 4 days trying to run around and get everything clean, tidy, put away, organized and trying to convince the kids not to trash the house once it’s clean.

Tuesday afternoon 1:30pm rolls around and I’m about to head out to the grocery store to pick up some last minute stuff. The steaks have been marinating since Monday and they were rib steaks and new york sirloin. So yummy. I decide to call my mother to find out where they are.

“Hi mom, where are ya? Are you close to Calgary?”
“Oh we changed our plans. Ya sorry, I forgot to tell you. We’re in Jasper right now.”
“Oh…. So are you still coming over?’
“Well, how late can you eat dinner?”
“Well, whenever you get here I guess… what time were you thinking?”
“Well, we still want to go to Banff and Lake Louise…. so we’ll be there late I think.”
“Ok, no problem. Let me know when you’re heading in”

I sit and think about it… there’s no way they are going to be able to make it for dinner if they are still in Banff… so I call back.
Me: “Hi! I really don’t think you’ll make it for dinner. It will be so late.”
Mom:”Ya, we’ll just sleep there tonite. Don’t worry about dinner. Sorry, just put the steaks in the freezer and you can eat them at a later date.”

*sigh* figures.

Three hours later she calls back.
Mom: “Hi! We’re going to stay over night in Banff because we want to go on the Gondola ride and look around more. So we’ll meet you in Calgary tomorrow so you can take us around.”
Me: “Well, Mom, I told you I have a meeting tomorrow morning and I won’t be out until the afternoon and I have all the kids. It’s easter break. Ryan is in a course all day so he won’t be able to drive you around.”
Mom:”ok… fine then we’ll just try to drive ourselves around and get lost.”
*sigh* This is why I can only handle my mother once every couple of years. She’s such a drama queen… now I know where I get it from.
Me: “I’ll see what I can do. ”

I kick back and relax cuz now I don’t have to worry about dinner or the house. Ya, I bought stuff I normally wouldn’t have and have a bunch of food, but oh well. I’ll just have friends over or something.

An hour later the phone rings. It’s 5:30pm.
Mom: “Hi! We’re coming over now. The prices in Banff are waaay to expensive for your Grandma and I. $225 a night to stay here. Can you believe it?
Me: “Well, it is Banff mom. It’s what they charge, you’re also getting a hotel last minute.”
Mom: “Well, we don’t want to pay that much for a hotel so we’re coming there to stay at your house…. oh and we’re really hungry to so have dinner ready for us. We’ll be there in an hour.”
Me: “What about Aunty? Doesn’t she want to stay there?”
Mom: “No, she said it’s better to see you and spend time with you instead and see your house.”

ACK!!!!!!!!!! My stress levels increases 99%.

I had just kicked back and hadn’t done anything because they said they were not coming. I freaked. I tried to call Ryan to get him to come home but he wasn’t answering my phone calls. Shocker. He never does. I tried calling him from 4pm - 7:45pm. Nothing. Now I was getting pissed because he’s the BBQ’er and makes the steaks. I’ve never mastered the art of the barbecue because it was always his job. As the hours passed, I kept trying to call him and he didn’t answer. I got more furious by the minute.

He finally comes home about 1/2 before my mother. I have a baby crying on my leg, the boys fighting and Mya whining at me. I flipped out. My mother arrives and Ryan makes the steaks. He burns them. I was now even more mad. These were $12-15 steaks each. Usually he’s really good, but for some reason he left his head up his ass and forgot how to BBQ.

As we eat dinner Brandon drops his milk all over the floor. I tell him to go get a towel and wipe it up. My Aunt’s eyebrows shoot up and she says, “he does that?” She’s so used to her maids or nanny’s jumping up to clean things up. She was shocked by the kids doing chores like dishes, sweeping and cleaning up after dinner. Yes, Auntie this is how the common folk do it.

Then my Aunt starts going through her luggage bring out all her souvenir’s she brought for us from the Philippines. She gives Ryan a traditional shirt and he graciously accepts it, puts it on and keeps it on all night long. Suck up. He gushes on about it and wears it around the next day too. This is why my mom and relatives love him. He’s such a total suck up.

I show my Aunt around the house and I can tell she’s not impressed. It’s not like her huge castle she lives in. When it’s time for bed, I show her to our bedroom and tell her this is where she would sleep. Ryan and I would bunk down with the kids. She refused. She didn’t want to sleep in our bedroom because it didn’t have a fire place and she wanted to sleep in front of the fire place. *sigh* So I quickly ran over to a friends house and borrowed her blow up bed and put it in the den where the fireplace was.

I tell my mom that the next day I have a meeting in the morning and I have to be there by 9:30am so I have to leave by 9am. The next morning I’m up at 7am to get up and get ready so I’m already to go to work. I quickly run to the grocery store to pick up a few items for breakfast. I’m back by 8:15am. I make breakfast. Saskatoon berry pancakes with hot maple syrup, whipping cream with a homemade blueberry sauce. Bacon, scrambled eggs with ham, peppers, tomatoes, chives and cheese. Fruit salad with whipping cream and freshly squeezed OJ. I love making breakfast and I have great recipes for it. The breakfast was sooo yummy. I was all pumped cuz I was able to make it all within 30min. Everything was perfect. It looked and tasted delicious. I dish out a plate for my aunt. She looks at it and crinkles her nose and says, “oh I’m not hungry. No thank you.”

I just stared at her and didn’t say anything. I pasted on my fake smile and offered my grandma a plate. She looks at me and says, “oh, I don’t need all this fancy stuff for breakfast. I just want some coffee and toast. You don’t need to go through so much trouble. No, I don’t need this. Just feed it to your kids.”

I went to go find my mom and uncle. She is getting into her truck.
“Mom, what are you doing?” I ask.
“Oh, I’m just going to gas up the truck.” I’ll be right back.
“What about breakfast? I made breakfast for you?”
“I don’t need breakfast. I’ll just have a little when I get back.” She says out the window as she drives off.

*sigh* I was ready to scream.
I dish out plates for all the kids who are lovin’ every bit of it. I was still so annoyed.
Finally I blurt out.
“ok Grandma and Auntie. I insist you eat. I made all this food. It’s really good. If I would have known you didn’t want breakfast I wouldn’t have made all this food. I made this for you guys. My kids would have been fine to have eaten cereal. I have a huge day ahead of me as well and I’ve been cooking for the last 30 min. Sit down and eat something or all this food will go to waste.”

So reluctantly my Grandma and Aunt grab a plate and eat.
Geez.

My mind is racing. I wait for my mom to get gas, because I live 5 houses down from the gas station. It’s just down the street. 5 min. It’s 8:40am they should be back by 8:45am. They can sit and eat for 15min. Then they can all leave. I can drop off the kids at the babysitters and still be on time for my meeting and just give directions to my mother on how to make it to the mall they want to go to. I wait. I wait and I wait.
8:45am
8:50am
I begin to get the kids ready to go out the door. Shoes, coats, snacks, books, bottle, diapers, wipes. We are ready.
8:55am
9:00am
I hate waiting. My biggest pet peeve is waiting for someone. I just don’t have the patience for it.
Finally I call my mom.
“Mom where are you! You were suppose to be 5 min. I have to leave for work now and you still haven’t eaten.”
“Oh we are in the line up for the car wash. I wanted to get a truck wash.” She says.
I almost collapse.
“What!?! Your truck wasn’t dirty! It looked clean to me! It wasn’t dirty at all! Why would you wash a clean truck?!? Are you almost in the car wash?”
“Yep, we’re next.”
I bite my tongue so I don’t start yelling and freak out. I grit my teeth and take a deep breath.
“Mom, I told you I had to leave at 9am. ”
“Ya, we’ll be there, just 5 minutes.” She replies totally ignoring me.
“Please hurry.”
So I wait.
9:05am
9:10am
9:15am
I call my boss and apologize, explain the situation and tell her I won’t be there until probably 10am. She is understanding and awesome as always, but I’m pissed.
Finally my mother comes back. Then she says, “oh wow! Look at that wonderful breakfast you made. I have to have some of this! You are such a great cook.” Then she and my uncle sit down to eat.
ACK!!!!!!!!
This is why I can only handle my mother for a day. She drives me nuts. She’s just so oblivious to anyone else. Finally at 9:35am we are ready to go.

I drive ahead so she can follow me out of town. Not that it’s hard, she just freaks out about having to go around an overpass. I call her to give her directions to the mall. I have to hold on while she drops her phone, then tries to find a pen, then gives the phone over to my Aunt, to which I insist on talking to my mother and just tell my mom to tell my aunt to write the directions down. *sigh* I look in the rear view mirror and mom’s truck is swerving all over the lane as she is trying to answer the phone and talk. GAH!

Thankfully I get them on their way and make it to my meeting. I’m all stressed and frazzled. I hate it when my mother comes to see me. I think I’m good for another couple of years. There’s a reason I moved as far away as I could without leaving the country.

Kick ASS! Go see it! It will rock your socks off. I loved it. I loved the explosions, the boom, bang, bing, bop, blam, blood, fire, more booming, fists flying, smashing, buildings breaking, bombs, guns and rat-ta-ta-tat of the machine guns… Golly! So, so, so fabulous. Edward Norton does a wonderful job portraying the Hulk and I love Liv Tyler. I just love her lips. They are so kissable and full. It was just a fun, action packed, summer popcorn mind numbing flick which is what I needed.

Ryan wanted to take Josh out and I was like, ‘I’ve had the day from HELL and I need to go out! There’s NO WAY I’m staying behind.” So I grabbed a sitter, took Laura and we headed off on our strange night. I don’t know why everywhere I go, things just always seem to happen. I think chaos just follows me.

So we get in the van and a bottle of Luke’s must be slowly rotting somewhere cuz it smelled like rotting meat carcass mixed with sour milk. So disgusting. We had to take the freakn’ van cuz Ryan was picking up the new lawnmower, which I hope will mean he’ll mow the law more than 2 times a year. Right now our lawn is as tall as our 23 month old terror Luke. So we roll down the windows cuz we don’t have time to find the source of this horrid smell cuz we’ve only got 40 min. till the store closes with a 25 min drive ahead of us. Off we go driving around like dogs sticking our heads out the window for fresh air.

We pick up the lawnmower which takes up 1/2 the van, then head over to Chinook Centre to see a movie. We were trying to decide on what we would see: Iron Man, The Hulk, Prince Caspian: Narnia part 2 or Indiana Jones. Now I’ve already Seen IJ and it’s ok, but not one I’d pay to see again. Ryan had already seen Iron Man and I’m not all that interested in paying to see Narnia Part 2. I’ll wait till I can see it for free at my theatre. So I convinced everyone of the wonderfulness of The Incredible Hulk.

We grabbed our tickets which we got for free, cuz I’ve always got the hook up on free stuff. Ryan and I split up. He did bathroom runs with Josh and grabbed the treats. Laura and I went to stand in line and grab seats. We walk towards a huge line up, this is an hour before the show starts.

Laura looks at the people waiting and snarks, “geez, look at them standing there waiting for their movie. That sucks. What are they waiting for?”

“Well, we get to be the lucky ones that are at the very END of this long, long line up. They are here to see our movie.”
“Oh. All of them?”
“Ya, except for about 20 of those guys cuz they are just there because they think standing in lines are fun. So they just go from line up to line up standing in line just for fun. You should try it some time… oh wait… here’s your big chance… can you feel the excitement?”
She just gives me the “mom you’re a dork” look and laughs.

We stand in front of these 2 guys who instantly start including us in their conversations and butting into our conversations. They were hilarious and the one guy was cute so I tolerated it and played along. It was a blast and we had a great time talking and joking around.

A snippet of their conversation.
Cute guy to his chubby friend. Dead panning this line: ok, this time you are not allowed to hold my hand. I know you were really freaked out when we went to see Iron Man, but you have to stop grabbing my hand. I’ve had enough.

Chubs. Without missing a beat retorts in a deadpan voice: Well, I’ll try not to but I might not be able to resist if it gets a little scary. Maybe I can just hold your hand for the first 1/2?

They bantered in this way back and for forth a good 5 minutes and Laura and I were just dying laughing.

They start making fun of all the girls lined up to see ‘Sex and the City’ and how men who go to see that show is just a bunch of pansies. I laughed and said, ‘no, they are not, they are just whipped and they hope that if they see that chick flick then their girl will be all happy and they’ll get some tail later that night.’

The conversation was flowing great until Ryan showed up, then they just turned around and didn’t say much after that. Geez, seriously, what’s wrong with guys? Why do they do that? It’s stupid.

It drives me crazy to have to stand in line for so long without being entertained, so I went to exchange the Nibs for Peanut M&M’s. Ryan was retarded and had another brain freeze moment when got me Nibs. I specifically asked for Peanut M&M’s. I just looked at him and shook my head. He’s known me now for 15 years and he knows I HATE Nibs. I think they are the grossest candy ever and I won’t even touch them. I swear, he never pays attention to me. He’s so oblivious to me. The fact that he can walk upright amazes me some days.

Now before I left I gave Ryan specific instructions.
“Ok, now if I don’t get back before the movie gets in, make sure you get good seats. You know where I like to sit, so please make sure you get as close to there as possible.”

I usually like to sit around middle or 7 rows up from the 2nd section. This way you get the big screen, but it’s not too big where you’re craning your neck and it’s not too far away where you just feel like you’re at home with a bunch of people in your house.

So, after making sure he heard me and understood what I said off I went to go stand in another line, but this time I had a TV to watch.

I make the exchange then go back. The movie is JUST letting everyone in. Dang. So now I have to wait for everyone to go in cuz they won’t let you butt in line even though you were with someone. The theatre is packed by the time I get in, but I know we would have gotten good seats cuz we were about 30 back and this theatre sat around 190. So I look, I look and I look. Finally after looking in the section they SHOULD be in I begin to think maybe I’m in the wrong theatre because I know he understood my specific instructions. So I walk out to check my theatre number with my ticket. Nope, it’s right. *sigh* I call Ryan.

’so, where are ya?’ I ask.
‘oh, ya. We’re at the very top. 2nd from the top by the left stairs.’
So I think to myself maybe it was packed and we were further back than I originally thought.
After the long trek to the back of the theatre I look at him and glare.
‘What’s with the seats? You know I hate sitting back here!” I hiss.
‘Well, we were sitting where we normally sit, but then Laura wanted to sit up at the back. So we moved.”
ACK!
I just look at Laura and she gives me her biggest grin.
“The best seats are at the back mom.” She chimes in. “Oh ya and the guy you’re sitting beside has got like an afro.” Then she laughs.
I just look at Ryan and say, “Ya know. You CAN say, ‘no’ to them. I hate sitting back here.”
He just shrugs and begins to babble an explanation but I stopped listening and survey the damage from the nose bleed section.

My mind wanders to the comment Laura made about the afro guy and I thought, ‘he better not be an ass cuz I’ll be even more annoyed. Laura is sitting on the outside, then Ryan, then Josh, then me and next to me the empty seat which supposedly ‘afro man sits in.

All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see Nacho Libre come walking up the stares. He’s got a baggy white stained, dirty shirt with black dirty sweat pants covering his obese body. His hair is 1 foot in the air, unkempt, unwashed, with curls bouncing all over like they are trying to bounce off his head to escape from the grossness. Now when I say Nacho Libre I’m not kidding. He was a spitting image of Jack Black in that movie.

To my shock and horror he comes bumbling down our row. He sits down beside me in one big flump. He immediately takes up the arm rest and puts his bottle of coke in the holder. One second after that the smell hits me. He smelled like he had played in a pig pen then didn’t take a bath for a month. BO, sweat, stinky feet all came racing up my nostrils. I looked at Ryan and if looks could kill he was being stabbed by a million daggers. Laura starts laughing and Josh smirks.

I shake my head and hiss over at him, ‘you just had to move didn’t you?’
He gives me this deer in headlights look just oblivious to anything. He is happily munching away on his popcorn and sucking back his pop in sheer heaven. I feel like dumping it all on his head just to wipe off that satisfied grin on his face.

I sit closer to Josh and have recoiled my body into 1/2 the seat as far away from the Nacho Libre as possible. The smell is so unbearable that my eyes soon begin to water and I put my hand up to my face. I skooch over even closer to Josh with 1/2 my ass hanging off my seat. The lights go down and the previews start. Nacho is happily eating his popcorn very loudly and forgets to close his mouth as he chews. After every preview he does this weird laugh snort and says to himself in a crackled high pitched voice. ‘Oh ya, I’ll see that.’ or he just laughs in this chicken like squawk.

I hate when people talk in movies. HATE IT. Even the rustle of popcorn bags annoys me. I turn to glare at Ryan again. I lean over and hiss, “my eyes are watering he stinks so bad!”
“Oh, gee… Sorry hon. Do you want to switch seats? I’ll sit there I don’t mind.” Ryan offers. I should have taken him up on the offer.
“No! I just wished you would have stayed at the seats you originally had!” I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want the dude to feel bad about people getting up to move away from him. I was beginning to think he was special needs or an IOP (Idiot on Patrol) or something.

5 minutes into the movie with me partially holding my breath and practically sitting on Josh, Nacho takes out his bag of Twizzlers. ‘rustle, rustle, rustle.’ goes his plastic bag.
‘mmmm…’ Nacho says to himself. Then like a dog he takes the Twizzler and eats it like a bone while making these growling noises as he eats it. He would put the twizzler in his mouth length wise and shake it. Then growl as he devoured the twizzler. People behind me are snickering and I begin to look around to see if there is a hidden camera around that I’m not aware of. This is just too much.

Another 5 minutes pass and he grabs his bottle of coke and takes a swig. “BUURRRP.” OMFG! I’m gonna kill this guy. I turn to look at him, but he is just oblivious and happily digging into this popcorn bag. ‘Crunch, crunch, crinkle, crinkle, mmmmm… mmmm…’

I was losing my mind. Then he starts to talk and make comments about the movie.
‘Oh that’s funny.’ He’d say in a his squeaky thinly high chicken like voice. ‘Oh good one!’ ‘ Hahaahaha, it’s right there.’ ‘uh oh, look out.’ ‘ooohhh now that’s a big gun.’ munch, munch, munch, grrrr… grrrr….’

My seat is shaking a bit and I look down. Both of his legs are shaking up and down really fast. I was just shaking my head. He must have some sort of mental issue cuz this guy was a total head case.

I try to concentrate on the movie and finally 1/2 way through his movie he is finished his twizzlers so the crinkling of the twizzler bag stops. Unfortunately it took him the entire movie to finishes his popcorn and coke. He burped happily each time he took a drink. I seriously felt like slapping him. It took a lot of will power not to lash out and hiss, ‘BE QUIET! STOP! JUST STOP & BE QUIET!!!!” *ugh*

So even though I had Nacho Libre sitting beside me and distracting me from the movie, I still thought that the movie had great action, special effects and a good storyline. I loved the cameo’s from Stan Lee and the original Hulk, Bill Bixby.

Wow. March we hit +20 for a few weeks. In April it snowed lots. May and June it has just been pouring rain. What crazy weather. So, I decided instead of complaining about it, to make the most of it. If God’s gonna make it rain, I might as well plant something so I don’t have to water it. Then maybe it will live. I went out and decided to buy some trees. I headed over to the little nursery by our place and picked up a few things.

I feel sorry for the guy who had to deal with me for an hour while I wandered around the nursery. I kept changing my mind on what kind of tree I wanted and wandered all over their entire tree nursery. He had a lot of patience. The owner even came over and tried to help, but soon his eyes glazed over, he put on a fake smile, looked at the guy helping me and said, “good luck.” hehehe… That amuses me greatly. So after an hour of indecisiveness, changing my mind about 20 times and putting things back I picked out already I finally decided on what I wanted. I needed a hardy tree that is low maintenance.

I got an oak tree, cuz I’ve always wanted one, and a white lilac tree, cuz I love lilacs. I got more rhubarb, cuz I’m just going to plant them all along the side of my house…. I can tell that the gas the boys played with on the side of the house has still killed vegetation there, so I’m hoping if I plant around it the rhubarb leaves will just grow over it anyway. I got some chives for my little garden patch out front. Pick out a pink bleeding heart, cuz I love those too and I’ve always wanted to own one. I also picked up a little pink ground cover flowering thingy just cuz I thought it would look snazzy growing under the good ole’ oak.

Feeling all accomplished with myself, they tossed the trees in my van up the middle of it. Luke and Mya pull off all the leaves they could reach on the way home. Poor tree. So I got home and in between the rain showers I began to dig my old Laurel Leaf Willow tree out, that I thought died. BUT once I called the Garden centre and talk to the arborist about it, there maybe a slim change that it may live. I figure I’ll plant it in the backyard to assure it’s death.

So I grab the shovel and begin digging. It’s not too bad cuz the ground is pretty soggy from all the rain, but the grass is so hard to get through. I dig one hole and then hit clay! GAH! Maybe that’s why my other tree failed to take root. I called the arborist and she talked me through the process of getting zeolite to add to the clay and dirt in order to make liveable conditions for my tree. I love Golden Acres. I really should just drive the hour and go there to buy my trees cuz they know what they are talking about. They may have hirer prices, but at least I get a guarantee on my tree in case it dies. Ah well…

So I’ve gotten a huge hole dug cuz I figure I’m gonna make an amoeba type shape, then plant other perennials and make it look all shabam. Digging is hard work. A lot harder than I anticipated. Especially digging through clay. I gave up digging the one hole then decided to start another one for my other tree. I stopped for awhile since it started to rain. I looked at the mess of my front yard and laughed. There was dirt, sod and holes all over. hehe… part of me wanted to leave it like this just so I could maybe get a rise out of Ryan, but I wanted to get my trees planted.

I planted my oak, my bleeding heart and pink thingy. I still have to plant the lilac, rhubarb and replant the willow in the backyard… I’m beginning to think I’m going to make my beast of burden dig my holes for me… aka. Ryan. I think he needs a job after work… digging holes for me is a good one.

.

I’m so furious. I had assigned a member of the SB committee to ask the mini donut lady if she would do mini donuts at our breakfast. That assignment was given in March when I found out we had to throw this event and that the Stake wanted me in charge. So, I asked. I waited. I asked, I waited. Finally, I got sick of waiting and asking for the committee member to do his job I just did it myself. Low and behold, they are unavailable because the Stake booked her for their July 1st Canada day event and she is already booked somewhere else for our date. *ARG*

THIS is the very reason why I hate giving up control and WHY I just do everything myself. People are always amazed by the activities I plan, how well it goes, then they are shocked to find out I do everything and delegate very little. The reason why is because when I do delegate it, things rarely get done. Or if they do get done, it’s 1/2 assed. People just don’t seem to have an pride in what they do or take ownership for the projects they undertake.

I dunno. Maybe the majority of the world is just a bunch of 1/2 assers who don’t seem to mind that they suck and they are incompetent.

GAH! I feel like punching something. I need to take up boxing or something to vent out all my frustration and anger. I need to go on a run. I’m so pissed. I hate when I don’t get what I want. I hate giving up control. Next year if I have to put this crazy thing on again, I’m doing it all myself and only delegating things that I don’t care if they get done or if they are done 1/2 assed.

For appearing in public on my birthday! Whoo hooo! Happy Birthday to me on March 2!… Belated, since I just found these pics, but seeing Tom out in public just makes me happy.

Feb 2008 Man, they have a lot of dogs. Instead of kids they have dogs. This is just one image, but there’s a whole slew of them with 3 different dogs.

AND for showing up in public in NY in a TUX while I was in Vegas on May 5th! You’ve made my day! WoW! I just can’t get over how drool worthy and perfect he looks.

He looks stunning. Simply stunning.

I love, love, love his eyes. He’s just mesmerizing. I’m all happy now. Doesn’t take much. Just flash Tom out and about in public and I’m good… I’m a happy girl.

I just don’t know how he just doesn’t stare at himself all day. He makes me speechless…..

Thank you Tom! Thank you! Thank you for attending this event! I hope you had a marvelous time!

I feel like I’m drowning without a life line and nothing to hold on to. I need to figure out how to swim and I don’t even know where to begin. The thing is, no one can help me. It’s something I have to do for myself and figure out on my own. At this point, nothing is piercing the darkness and there is no ray of hope.

No one understands. They think they do, but they don’t. This rabbit hole is a deep dark one and they only see the sunny, happy, bubbly side. No one can handle the darkness and I’m tired of trying to explain, so it’s easier to put on the mask for the world.

Today has been a rough day and I just feel displaced and detached. We just found out today that our ward is being split. I loved our ward. It was amazing. Such a wonderful, friendly, loving, down to earth, fun, humble group….and they cut us up. Our Bishop was finally released after 7 years, 3 months and 15 days of service. I am so happy for him, yet also saddened. I never expected this. Well, I guess I did, but deep down I hoped that it wouldn’t happen. When I was promoting the survivor activity I told everyone that this might be our very last activity and that this would be the last time we would all be together, so they should come and hang out even if they didn’t want to play. We had a big turn out. It was a great success. I also told the Bishop before all this was going down that if he goes I go…. and sure enough, I lost my calling. I was upset about the new ward we would be in, but once I looked at the boundaries, I got excited. My close friends are also moving to the new ward and I know lots of people in the new ward.

After the meeting, people came up to me sad that I was leaving their ward and people in the new ward were pumped that I was moving there. They were already filling my new Bishop’s head with ideas for my new calling. Sheesh. I’m just not gonna answer my phone this week.

I don’t know why I was crying so hard. Everything is just combining and I’ve cried more today than I have in the past year. All the stress was piling up and it just came out. That was the straw that broke the camels back. Normally, I wouldn’t care and would’ve just made stupid remarks and laughed about it all. This time the tears flowed. Not really over the split, but just life in general.

Life. It’s good and it also blows goats. I’ve got huge decisions before me, they are daunting and causing me a lot of stress. I don’t want to make the same mistake others have made. I’m really trying to look within myself to find the answer. I’m going to people who have experienced and have gone through this, finding out how things have effected their life. If they had a do over would they do it again. I’m trying to be honest with myself and just take a step back to observe my life and my attitude. I’ve got a good thing, I’d be stupid not to say that I don’t, but I want more. Am I being selfish and self centered? Or do I just suck it up, throw the mask back on until I start believing everything is great? Lose another 10 + years of my life in silent misery or just make a change? Do I have the courage? What’s the plan? I need A,B and C. What is the loss? What is the gain? Is the loss worth the gain? Or is it all just selfishness and stupidity?

I hate crying and rarely cry unless it’s something huge. Lately, I just feel like I’m going to burst into tears all the time. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m trying to decide what path to take and I’m horrible at making decisions. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or will I be hurting myself more? *sigh* I just don’t know. I just think I’ve always made wrong decisions in my life. I feel like I’ve never made the right choices and that I’ve failed at everything. I cause chaos where ever I go. I need to stabilize myself. I just don’t know how to do it.

On a funny note, I wore my tight long cream skirt to church today. It has a slit up to my knee and hugs my body. It’s cute and I get compliments every time I wear it. A lady I know came up to me and slaps me on the ass and says, ‘Hi! How are you!’. I tell her I’m a little sad with all the changes and she says something else then slaps my ass again. I just look at her and raise my eye brows. We talk for a bit more, then she says, ‘ok, gotta go.’ Then slaps my ass again.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask. “What’s up with constantly slapping my ass?”
“Your butt just looks so sexy in that dress, I just can’t resist touching it.” She says as she leaves.
WTF! Seriously. I laughed, she’s hilarious and I think she’s a riot, but geez. Hands off.

Our town is in a state of emergency… all the dummies who live by the river are flooded… “shocker”. I, on the other hand, am not a dummy, I live on a hill. People need to realize that when they live by the river chances are you’ll be flooded at least once. It’s been raining for 4 days straight and the grass if turning a beautiful green, the leaves on the trees are budding and the flowers are blooming.

Surprisingly I’m enjoying the rain. It is so refreshing to have rain instead of snow.

Ryan just called me and said that a client of his is taking us to India, letting us stay at his 40,000 sq. foot place and going to tour us all over India…. AND best part is that his client wants to pay for our flights too! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! OMG! I get to go see the Taj Mahal! How crazy killer is that! And Why did he offer this to Ryan? Cuz he likes him. GAH! I’m sooooo glad my hubs gets along with anyone and everyone. *Squeeeeeeee*

I’m so excited out of my mind! Now we are just arguing over how long to go for. His client wants us to be there for a month. Ryan doesn’t want to go for that long cuz of work and cuz of the kids…. If it’s in December or Jan, then hopefully we’ll have our nanny by then, so I say no prob. Bob, but Mr. Responsible is being all responsible on me. HOLY CHEESE AND RICE! I’m thrilled out of my mind! I’m all like, ‘let’s go for a month!’ 2 months would be too long, but I think a month would be good. Whateves. Even if it’s just for 2 weeks. I’m still pumped, cuz a local will be touring us around and that’s the BEST cuz they know where to go, what to avoid, etc. and 40,000 sq. foot mansion?!? Hell ya! I’m soooooooooooo there! I can’t wait to go and see the sights, the culture, the people!

Only one child missed me while we were away…. well, I know Luke did because he broke out into a huge smile and came for hugs and stayed by my side for a while, but he can’t talk yet.

Brandon: Mommy, I was being really, really extra good while you were away.
Me: “Oh ya? That’s great Brandon!”
Brandon: Ya, I was being really good so you would come back home because I missed you. I really wanted you to come home.

****************************
Luke was climbing on the cupboards and Laura went to get him down. He held up his hand, looked at her and said, “Go way! Go way!”

***************************
Luke’s bath day.
Bath #1:
For breakfast he had some yogurt and dumped the bowl on his head, smeared it on the table and all over his face.

Bath #2:
His diaper exploded with poo… Ewww…

Bath #3:
Luke went outside and played in the mud.

Bath #4:
Luke grabbed some pudding and rubbed it all over his face and in his hair.

Bath #5:
Diaper explosion #2.

Bath #6:
I think Mya felt that Luke needed that extra special something to complete his outfit, so she took a felt marker and drew all over Luke. Luke thought he liked the idea of body art and felt the need to add to the drawings his sister was doing on him. So he helped her color his his tummy, legs, face and arms.

Bath #7
For supper we had spaghetti and…. of course he got it all over his face, body and dumped it on his head… why? because food tastes better when you dump it on your head… try it. You might get odd looks, but really, you’re just channeling your inner toddler.

I think I should have just kept him in the tub all day.

*********************
I had my hair curly today, so I tossed it into a ponytail and took the kids to school. I rolled down the windows because it was +25 and I love to put my hand out of the window and let the wind run through my fingers. The wind whipped through the van since I rolled both windows down and it was tossing my hair around.

Mya: Mom, Your hair is CRAZY!
Me: Why is it crazy? I turn to look at her and she’s scrunched up her face like, “that’s so weird”
Mya: Because your hair is all over the place and just… just… crazy!

*****************
Luke woke up, went straight to the pantry, spilled the entire bag of oatmeal on the floor, my small bucket of sugar all over the floor AND 300 straws on the floor…. after I cleaned all that up, his next project was to take the dishes out of the dishwasher and throw them off the deck onto the grass in the backyard… thankfully none of the plates broke… *sigh*

…. anyone want a toddler? He’s cute…. and just a tad on the mischievous side…

Now that I’ve gotten back from Vegas I want to go somewhere else…. at first I thought next year I’ll go to Italy because that’s my top destination. Ryan’s lil bro. wants to go with me in 2010. ok… so then I thought, oohhh New Zealand in 2009 because I want to go do parasailing and paragliding and do more skydiving… then I told my friend Christina and now she wants to go with me. So then I thought… hmmm… maybe Australia! I’ve always wanted to go down under. My friend Shauna told me to come with her in 2009 in November.

I like the idea of traveling companions, but the loner in me also just wants to go by myself. I don’t mind if I meet a friend for a day, but I really need to be by myself for a couple days. I’m really craving solitude. I miss being by myself on the farm. I miss the quiet. I miss just doing my own thing without having to worry that other people are having a good time or trying to schedule things around other people.

I’ve decided I’m going to go somewhere for a weekend. A short weekend trip to a beach with nothing to do but read, take walks, think and lounge…. be a cat pretty much. I normally wouldn’t like this kind of trip, but I just need to get my head on straight, make plans, goals and focus on what is important. I feel like I’m going to snap. I used to love chaos, but now it’s stressing me out too much.

I’m also going to just keep my big mouth shut about my travel plans too. Maybe in September I’ll go over the long weekend and just book a little time away. Then next year I’ll hopefully be more inclined to have travel guests on my little excursions visiting countries around the world. My goal is to go to 2 countries every year, either by myself, with friends or with the ball and chain or with the whole family.

Maybe I’ll head to the Bahamas or somewhere WestJet flies for the weekend. Grab a little cabin, take along my journal, my books and just relax for 3 days. Yep, that’s what I’m gonna go. I need something to look forward to in order to get me through the days.

The ringing phone shattered my dreams and brought me to a hazy reality. I grabbed the phone and just listened. It was Elvis!
“Good morning! Welcome to Vegas baby! It’s time to wake up and enjoy the day,” said the Elvis voice.
Nice.
Only in Vegas can I get a wake up call from Elvis. Love it…. I wonder if I go to California if I can get a wake up call from Tom Welling?… hmm….

I lay in bed for a few moments trying to wake up. Once my mind reviews the things I have planned my heart is pumping the adrenaline is going and I shoot out of bed. I’m so excited. The cell phone buzzes. Dave has sent a text that he is on his way. Excellent. I finally get to meet this elusive guy. The adrenaline kicks it up a notch. I hop in the shower. The water is not draining and pools at the bottom of the tub… *sigh* I wish we were at the Venetian at this point cuz I know it will be amazing, but hey, it’s free so I have no right to complain.

“Uhh… Joanne?” Ryan pops his head into the bathroom.
“Ya?”
“Dave wants to know if he can come over to our room to freshen up.”
“WHAT?!? Are you kidding me?”
“Umm… no.”
I peer out of the curtain to look at his face. Nope he’s serious.
I laugh. How funny. Nothing like getting to meet each other for the first time and getting ready at the same time. Craziness. Excellent, I love surprises. I’m shocked actually and pumped.
“Whatever. I don’t care. I think it’s hilarious. As long as you don’t mind, just tell him to wait until we can get dressed.”

I cut the shower short, which I really didn’t mind cuz a flood is gonna happen if I don’t get out. I scramble to get dressed and tidy up the room a bit. Ryan’s turn in the shower and I’m trying to focus on what I’m doing.

I’m annoyed that the shower is not draining and wondering if he wants to take a shower and what the heck happened to him? Questions race through my mind as I fly about. Of course I should have called up maintenance to fix the problem right away, but that didn’t cross my mind until later.

I’m glad that Dave is comfortable enough with us that he can show up, change, shave and get ready in our hotel room. I laugh at the silliness of it all. The adrenaline jacks up another notch. I feel the energy race throughout my body. This is going to be a fun day. I’m worried that everyone will get along and wonder if I’ve made mistakes in the planning and inviting.

Dave arrives and he looks just as cute as he he does in all his pics and tall! Holy! He’s a whole foot taller than me. I shake his hand which seems awkward to me, but I just push the feeling out of the way and begin chattering. He has a warm smile and puts me at ease. As I get going I sneak glances to see how he is reacting and handling the energy. His eye brows shoot up several times. Wonderful. Exactly what I was going for. He can handle it, for how long, we’ll have to see how good his patience is. This is gonna be fun. I race around still frantically trying to get ready.

We need to be down for breakfast by 6:30am. Of course we don’t get down there until 7:15am. Late as always. One day I’d like to be on time and early. We meet up with Leslie and Kim who have sat down to eat at the buffet. Dave gets a cool reception from her. Instantly I know it’s going to be a rough day and I sigh. I’m annoyed that we’ve missed breakfast. I don’t care if I eat, cuz I normally skip breakfast anyway, but Ryan gets really cranky if he doesn’t eat and I’m not sure how Dave reacts to no food. Time will tell.

We all pile into ‘Jenna’ Dave’s blue VW and head off to Jean NV. The girls are chattering and laughing. I call the Extreme skydiving place and we’re still good to go. When we were at the hotel I had a vile of ginseng, royal jelly and a couple of bee pollen pills. Since I don’t drink caffeine, the stuff hits me when we are in the car. We turn into the airport and my energy goes off the charts. I feel like I’m going to burst. The car ride is killing me. I need to release this energy and get up and go.

We get to the skydiving building. They usher Dave and I into a small little room. We are given forms to fill out. I don’t even read the form, the small print or the blah, blah, blah. I just sign my name… and not even get that right. I write it on the wrong line… Focus. I can’t focus.

We have to watch this video that is hosted by Moses. The guy has a crazy wild beard. I can’t even pay attention to that. I figure the instructor will maybe tell me what I have to do and give me a little refresher right before we head out. I’m attached to someone else, it’s not like I have to know what I’m doing. I’m just along for the ride. Dave is focusing intently on what is being said. I try to keep quiet so he can listen, but Leslie comes in and distracts me. I’m looking everywhere except the video.

I’ve always wanted to go sky diving and here I am. Right at this moment. I’m so excited and pumped. I try so hard to settle down, it’s not working. Even though I’m not talking my body feels like it’s going to explode. I just want to go for a run to get rid of this energy. I shouldn’t have taken that energy stuff this morning. It’s throwing me for a loop. I usually get a rush like this before a race. My leg shakes in order to release some energy. My mind is flying everywhere at a million miles a second.

Finally Moses stops talking. I think most of what was said just swooshes over my head. We get our jump suits. Dave has a blue polka dot suit. He rocked the suit. It looked hilarious, but it was all good. I take a picture and he channels Michael Jackson in his pose. They gave me a purple thing.

Mike, my tandum guy, helps me into the suit.
“Stop moving and settle down.” He says trying to buckle me up as I bounce around.
“ok, sorry.” But then 2 seconds later my leg is shaking and I’m swaying back and forth.
“If you don’t stop moving you’re not going to make it to the ground alive.” he says.
“Just so you know $200 is in it for you if she doesn’t make it back.” Ryan offers, “I just took out a $800,000 dollar insurance policy against her, so it’s ok”
LOL… it’s how he says he loves me.
“How many times have you jumped?” I inquire of Mike.
“3″
I keep chattering to Leslie as he is buttoning and cinching me up. I heard the number, but didn’t acknowledge it.
“You didn’t even miss a beat or catch that did you.” he asks me.
I laugh. “I did, I just knew you were kidding.”
He’s actually done 2000 jumps, he informs me… good enough.

We go through and review what Moses was talking about….see I knew someone would run through it again.

Mike takes out the video camera and we head out. I get on the plane and I’m pumped. I have to swallow my gum and sit on Mike’s lap. It’s all good, he’s got nice blue eyes like my dad’s. Up, up we go. There are 6 of us crammed in this tiny space on the plane. I stop talking because the plane is noisy. I love planes. I want to fly one. I need to start taking lessons. Ryan got me a beginners lesson, but I want to learn more. I love the lift up in a plane, the view and the bird’s eye view. I just relaxed and watched everything go by. Unfortunately, being out in the desert there wasn’t much to watch. A lot of sand, sage brush and more sand. A little disappointing considering that I get to see the Rocky Mountains and the lush Kananaskis when I go up in a plane. There’s so much more to see out in Alberta, but hey, I’m in Nevada and it’s the dessert.

Up, up, we go. I was so thrilled. I’ve always wanted to do this and I was so pumped. I grew quiet, just looking out the window and drinking in this moment trying to embed it into my memory so I could remember this forever. We reach 15, 000 feet and it’s the first guys turn to jump. The sound of the air rushing through the cabin freaked me out. They jumped out and I began to scream! I covered my eyes and my adrenaline was racing. Mike scoots over to the edge.

“Are you ready?” he asks.
“Nononononononononononono….” I scream and shake my head. He tilts my head back and pushes off. I close my eyes and I scream for the first 5 seconds. I force my eyes open cuz I don’t want to miss this. I hate this falling feeling. I feel like I left my stomach back in the plane. It was just surreal. The wind rushing by was so noisy and loud. My legs grew numb and I just wanted the parachute to open up. After what seems like forever the tug of the parachute whips us up. Then everything goes silent. The fluttering of the parachute is all you hear from up high. It was so peaceful. I loved it.

I looked for Dave and the other guy and they were already so close to the ground. Mike asks me if I like roller coasters… umm… heck ya! So he twirls and spins us around. It was dizzy fun. Yippee… I just want to float around in the sky for awhile longer. I want to do this again… but somewhere that has lots to look at from the sky.

We landed and after the dust settled I had Mike help me up. I was just so content and happy. That was so much fun. I wanted to do it again.

Ryan, Leslie and Kim met us at the drop zone. After posing for a couple of pics, Dave and I hopped into the van that took us back to the airport. I got a DVD of the jump, changed out of the purple outfit, then we headed off to Pahrump to go find the Spring Mountain Racetrack and ride in the Bishop’s radical SR3. Another adventure awaited us…

Unfortunately I forgot to take my journal so I’m writing all that I can remember here instead. I was racing around like a mad woman trying to get everything done and alas I did not. The laundry was done but not put away, I didn’t get around to making the cinnamon buns and I didn’t finish planning my trip. I didn’t pack until 30 min before the trip. I was so stressed about the trip. I didn’t calm down until I was in the airport and checked in. It is so much work to prep the kids, the house, the sitters, packing, the trip details, tying up details at work and activities committee.

The que to go through the airport was crazy long. US Customs was painfully slow and it was funny to watch people. People watching is one of my favorite activities. It amuses me greatly. I watched the customs guys as they checked people through, they were all so serious and I was placing bets as to who we would get. I was determined to make the guy smile. I bounced through customs, chatting it up with the customs guy. I made him smile and laugh. Goal achieved.

I didn’t eat anything all day and was starving. The area we were in only had this tiny sandwich stand and a little newspaper stand with junk food. I spied a Bernard Callebaut chocolate store and ran around like crazy trying to find a way out of where I was and an in to the other side. Alas I couldn’t, so I pawed and banged at the window creating a spectacle, but I didn’t care. Finally, I gave up and sauntered over to the sandwich stand and grabbed some sort of turkey thing. I ate the sandwich remorsefully, while cursing the design of the ridiculous airport. If you’re going to put the world’s best chocolatier in a freakn’ airport they need to make it accessible to all… even those who have cleared US customs.

I love WestJet. If you fly on a plane. Go with them. They are friendly, funny, warm and a great ride. I wish I had my journal so I could quickly jot more of their funny comments down. Some of the comments I remember that they said,

“In the back is some eye candy his name is Lance.”

Male stewardess to the female stewardess: “Would you stop just standing there and looking pretty. Do something already.” The stewardess then goes and chokes the guy with the mic cord.

When they came around to check if we’ve put on seatbelts etc. Just for the sake of being goofy I smiled at the male stewardess and said, “Thanks baby!” with a wink. The rest of the flight I said, “hey baby, I need a pillow or a can of juice please baby!” he ate it up and gave me whatever I asked for and more. If I didn’t say baby he’d demand I say it first before he gave me anything. It was hilarious. When I left I gave him a huge grin and said, “see ya later baby!” The guy was so funny. It was great.

When the plane took off I cheered, “whoo hoo!” as we rocked it towards the sky and Vegas. After a cranberry juice and pretzel snacks and curled up in my seat, lay my head on Ryan’s lap and slept all the way to Vegas.

Once we arrived, I began to get excited. The airport is so tiny. We grabbed our bags and tried to figure out how we would get to the hotel. I tried the shuttle. No luck. No one going to our crap hotel. So we went outside to catch a cab…

Hustle #1: A limo driver comes up and tell us that he can give us a ride to the airport for $80. He tells us that a cab driver would be $72 to get to the hotel. I totally knew it was a lie and told him that he was feeding me a line. He keeps up his sales pitch and I look at Ryan. He shrugs. So what the hell, why not? We load up our bags and take a ridiculous $80 limo ride to the hotel. It was ok. Nothing oohh, la la. I couldn’t figure out how to open the window and hang out the top. I played with all the buttons and made the divider window go up and down over and over again….

We arrived, check into the Stratosphere hotel. They upgraded us to: 31723. If this room was an upgrade I hate to see what the other rooms are like. Ick. We had 2 Queen beds. Normally I would have complained, but I love sleeping in my own bed. So I said nothing. Our room was small, the tub didn’t drain and the sink smelled like the sewer and the TV didn’t work. I was happy about the TV not working, but Ryan wasn’t.

I tried to call Dave but couldn’t get a hold of him so I thought that maybe he wasn’t coming down after all. I had no idea if he wanted to hang out just for the Saturday or the Sunday as well or what time he was going home or anything. It was all very vague to me. I figured it was smart of him, this way if either of us couldn’t stand each other we had a polite out. I mentally planned out a plan B in case he didn’t show.

Ryan and I lightly planned out the next couple of days. We tossed off our bags then went and explored the hotel. I immediately got annoyed. Everything is in a maze. The casino is lumped in the middle then there are hallways like tentacles connected to the hotel. It was frustrating and I felt like we were walking around in circles. We ran into Leslie and her friend Kim. We chatted, laughed and goofed around. Around midnight we retired to our hotel and crashed cuz we had a big day tomorrow.

When we arrived and I told people that this was our first time here a lady told me, “you’ll love it! Vegas is the adult disneyland.” Not so. Vegas isn’t MY adult Disneyland. I guess I’m a different traveler.

There was the fantastic, the good, the bad and the horrible during our short 4 night 5 day trip.

The quick highlights:

The fantastic:
Going Tandum skydiving!
Riding in a yellow radical SR3 at Spring Mountain Racetrack
Going to Table 10 at Emeril Legasi’s restaurant
Seeing David Copperfield 1 foot away from me do a magic act
Staying at the Venetian hotel
Meeting Dave
Going through art Galleries
Seeing Peter Lik’s work
Going to the premium outlet mall
Going to Mamma Mia
Having chocolate covered Godiva strawberries

The good:
Watching American Superstars
Going up the Stratosphere and doing the rides
Going through the hotels and looking at everything
Shopping
Going to Excaliber Tournament of Kings
Going to Madame Trousseau’s wax museum
The Gondola ride

The bad:
Dealing with personalities
Sunday
Not having a more detailed plan as to what we were doing each day

The horrible:
The casinos in the hotels.
The smoke in the hotels.
Constantly being hustled everywhere we went from the limo or taxi cab driver, to the punk kids trying to sell their CD’s, time share people in Vegas, going to a stupid time share production or sales people on the side of the road.

May… what a wonderful month… This month I’m grateful for Vogue and for Tom for doing a photo shoot for Vogue.

Yowsa!

I could just stare at him all day.

Tom’s birthday was April 26, but better late than never.

Happy 31st. Hope you had a fantabulous day!