Dear God,
I’ve got some issues that I need to take up with you.
1. What’s up with sending me so many kids? You know I’m not that great of a mother so I wish you could just make me infertile. Why do I have to be so damn fertile? There are tones of people out there that want kids and can’t have them. Send anymore over to them. I’m done, 4 is plenty. I’ve multiplied and reproduced. That’s enough thank you. I don’t want to become the poster woman for Breeders R’ Us.
2. Eating. I have problems with this. I hate eating. It’s such a waste of my time. I could be doing so many other things. My philosophy is if you’re going to eat, it better be good or why bother. Making a good meal takes hours. There’s a lot of prep work and once the food is made it is gone in like 15 minutes. If I don’t eat properly then I’m all cranky, lethargic and my body gets mad at me. If I could just take a pill or just always have instant energy that would be fabulous.
3. Sleeping. Another waste of time! I could get so much done if I didn’t have to sleep. If my body just instantly renewed itself and I always had tones of energy I could be able to deal with the 4 crazy kids you’ve placed in my care.
4. Going to the bathroom. *sigh* Really? Could there just not be some other magical way for waste to be eliminated. See if you don’t have to eat you don’t have to go to the bathroom… there ya go problem solved. If this bodily function could be eliminated then again I’d have more time on my hands. It’s so inconvient. I hate changing diapers or having to try to find a bathroom in the mall in less than a minute before my kid pees himself cuz he waited too long to tell me. That’s not my idea of fun. If any part of the bathroom process malfunctions then there are all kinds of problems that people have like kidney problems, colon cancer, irritable bowels, etc. It just throws your entire body out of wack if this function doesn’t work properly. So please just eliminate it altogether.
5. Farting and Burping. Passing gas of any kind is just raunchy and smelly. Especially since my husband has decided to be such a health nut he’s eating way too many beans and broccoli. I seem to be the one that suffers the consequences.
6. Birth. I know it’s partially Eve’s fault, but couldn’t you have made this easier and not hurt so much? It’s just mean and cruel. Why can’t men give birth? I’d like to see them get fat and have to pass a watermelon out their ass.
7. Satan and his minions. He’s getting a out of control. Don’t you think it was time to reel that bad boy in and give him some consequences for his actions? Sooner than later would be nice, this world is getting more and more evil by the second.
8. How come I didn’t get cool gifts like the ability to fly or to transport myself or have telekinesis. I promise I won’t go all Darth Vader all the time… If you tie up the devil then I wouldn’t have those impulses.
9. Mosquitoes. What’s up with this creation? Couldn’t you have made an insect that doesn’t bite? Not only does it have to bite me, it leaves red welts that are so itchy they drive me insane scratching them. Now I’ve found out that I can get West Nile from these pests. I’m not impressed. If you could wipe them off the face of the earth and make them extinct that would be swell.
That’s about it for now. If I think of more I’ll be sure to let you know! I’m trying to do my best down here, but that damn devil keeps prompting me otherwise. Again, please take care of him swiftly.
Thanks for the beautiful sunshine, the trees, plants, animals, butterflies and my kids. Even if they are a tad on the crazy side.
Love,
Joanne