The journey between here and there

My friends Jon and Rachel went to Victoria for holidays. They were to be my stalkeratzy and try to find Tom Welling for me. Get his autograph, ask for his shirt, give his ass a squeeze… err… I mean give him a hug, etc.

Well, unfortunately they didn’t find him, but they were able to wander around the place where Smallville films the exterior scenes for Lex Luthors Castle. It’s really Hatley Castle in Victoria, BC. Visit the link if you want to see really good day pictures of the castle and read the blah, blah, blah on it. This castle was used as the set for X-Men II the movie (which I loved!). These are the pictures they took of the castle.

Wow. I went to see this movie last night and I really liked it. It is a story of a bunch of people from varying ethnic backgrounds, how they deal with stress and people around them. It was very interesting. It’s a tale of self discovery, tolerance and miscommunication. It shows how people, no matter who they are or what race they are from, just wants to be loved and accepted. It was great to see people’s different perspectives on life and how they react to things the way they did and why they reacted in that manner. Excellent performance by all actors and actresses. Just a fabulous movie. I’ll definitely see it again. I was kind of a bit bored, cuz I’m an action girl, but it is worth the sit through. It will make you laugh and cry, but most of all it will make you think after you’ve seen the movie. It’s a must see. 4 out of 5.

This is a very gritty, raw movie. It’s very graphic, lots of violence, lots of ta-ta’s and ass. Visually it was amazing. I loved the black and white colors of this movie. I really liked how they highlighted certain colors like red to draw your attention. I liked how all the characters connected towards the end and how the story lines tied in together. I liked it a lot. I liked the story lines that were developed throughout the movie.

The actors seemed to be a perfect fit for their roles. I really don’t like Brittany Murphy or Jessica Alba and don’t think they are good actresses. They seem to deliver their lines forced and it’s almost comedic to watch them try to do sultry. The male actors nailed their parts. Mickey Rourke was fabulous to watch. Clive Owen could have done a bit better acting as some of his parts seemed campy and seemed fake. Bruce Willis was Bruce Willis. Typical performance out of him.

It’s a comic book and going into this movie I thought it was going to be stupid and suck. I was surprised. It was interesting. There were parts that were sickening and disgusting, but I couldn’t look away. I was hooked. All in all I enjoyed it. If you’re an anal retentive Mormon don’t go see it. I would pay to go see this in the theatre. I would also watch it again one more time. 4 out of 5 Stars.

I’m baking like a mad woman. School starts September 1st so I’m busy making chocolate chip cookies, m&m cookies, banana bread and marshmallow cookies. I’m going to make some brownies and I have to attempt canning peaches again. Hopefully this time it will turn out. I thought I would post some of my favorite recipes here in case the house burns down at least my recipes will be somewhere safe… unless the internet crashes, well, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

My favorite Chocolate Chip Cookies.
This is from my friend Christina, who got it from someone, who got it from some chef. Who? I don’t know, but I love these cookies cuz they don’t ooze out and spread out like crazy. They make perfect little cookies. They are great right out of the oven or the next day. They will stay very soft if stored in a Tupperware container. I crave these suckers and I’ll get diabetes one day because of them. I’ll eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Thank God I’ve got a fast metabolism. So without further ado, here it is:

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Mix:
3/4 Cup Butter softened
3/4 Cup Brown Sugar
1/4 cup Granulated sugar

Add:
1 Egg
2 tsp Vanilla
Mix.

Add:
2 Cups All purpose Flour
2 tsp cornstarch
1 tsp baking soda
Mix.

Add:
1/2 Cup or 1 Cup of Chocolate Chips or 8oz. bittersweet chocolate, cut into chunks
Mix.

1. Preheat oven to 350F
2. Cream together butter and sugars until smooth.
3. Add egg and vanilla. Blend in.
4. Stir in flour, cornstarch, baking soda and salt.
5. Stir in Chocolate chips or chunks.
6. Form into small balls and place on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.
7. Bake for 8 minutes - 10 minutes.

The longer you bake it the harder it gets. I just bake for 7 - 8 minutes. This way I have soft cookies. Ryan likes his almost burnt, very crispy so I bake some for 11-15 minutes. I hate it like that, but he likes it so whatever.

The secret to making these cookies I’ve found is in the butter. If I pull the butter in the microwave and melt it totally down to all runny the cookie does not turn out. If the butter is too hard and not soft enough, the cookie does not work. If I put hard butter right out of the fridge I will cut the butter into my measuring cup and melt it for 30 seconds. This way some of the butter is soft and some is runny. Good.

If the cookie dough is rolled into balls they form perfect beautiful cookies. ‘It’s a good thing!’

I never did finish the tales of the Great Canadian Barn Dance trip in Southern Alberta or the Sandy McNab trip. So this is the weekend wrap up.

GCBD:
Tip toe thru the goose poop, by the lake.
That is where I’ll be, come
Tip toe thru the goose poop with me.
Tip toe from your tent and take a break
To the shadow of the pine tree
And tip toe thru the goose poop with me.

This place made me want to hunt down these wild Canadian Geese and have roast goose, potato dumplings and red cabbage for supper. Mmmmm… I love German food.

My kids chased the geese around. They swam in the water or flew off to another pond in the area only to return in the evening to poop all over the place. It was so gross.

We never did make it out to the barn dance, so we’ll have to come back next summer and go. On Sunday Ryan took the kids out on the canoe’s. Laura, my Princess Tiger Lily, would sit up at the front of the canoe and tell Ryan where to paddle. They paddled around, played at the beach, caught snails in the water, played at the park and ran around trying to catch “Smokey” the farm cat. They chased the cat around and tormented the cat, by carrying it around by it’s front legs. After being caught once, the cat made sure not to be caught again. He ran away very fast once he saw my kids coming. It entertained them for hours.

Monday, we packed up and headed to Waterton National Park. We decided to hike “Bears Hump.” What a crazy name, bears hump. I wonder who came up with that name.

‘Oh look there’s bears humping on the mountain. From today and forever this trail shall always be known as: “Bears Hump” I’m ingenious.’
Brilliant name warden!
‘Yes, thank you my intelligence surpasses everyone.’

So this hike is straight up for 1.5 km or so. It was tiring. The kids went up 1/2 way until Brandon sat down and refused to go any further. Ryan carried Josh on his left shoulder and Brandon on his right shoulder the rest of the way up the mountain. Laura walked and complained the entire way. The view at the top was gorgeous and breath taking. We saw lakes, mountains, the town and a cute little chipmunk. We fed it raisins. It came right up to the kids hands and ate raisins out of their hands. It let the kids pet him and scooted all around them. It was adorable. The kids ran the entire way down.

After the hike we had a picnic by the lake then headed for home. Ryan just had to take a new way home. “Getting lost is part of the adventure.” Right. We eventually made it home after getting lost for a half an hour.

SM: Sunday, I headed out about 3pm after I had a nap. Rachel, Jon and their kids came out. Rachel and Jon are our Smallville friends. We watch Smallville at our house every Monday night. I helped Ryan pack up then we went down to the river for a picnic. We had so much fun. Ryan and Jon jumped into the river. It was so cold. Laura had her feet in the water.

me: Laura, the water is so cold! Are your feet cold?
Laura: no, after awhile your feet just go numb and it stops hurting.

Kids are amazing. As long as there is water they are ducks, happily splashing away. If the water is not warm, I won’t go in. I’m always cold all the time anyway, why make myself even colder?

Jon is hilarious! He’s self deprecating. We had such a great time hanging out, laughing and enjoying each others company. They are such a fun family to hang out with.

August 26-28, 2005

We went camping at Ol’ MacDonalds this weekend! More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

ETD: 3:00pm
ATD: 7:30pm
TOA: 9:30pm

So once again we were setting up the tent in the dark. It’s 10:00pm and we are fumbling around with the tent. We are seriously contemplating buying an RV because then I can pack it during the day, when Ryan gets home, he just hooks up and we go. When we get to our camping spot all we have to do is pull up, jump in bed and go to sleep. This way we don’t have to set up a tent in the dark, arguing with each other the entire time.

This time a drunk lady came over to offer assistance. I’m beginning to realize that drunk people are awfully nice and try to be helpful while intoxicated.
“Do you guys know what you are doing? Do you need any help?” asks the drunk lady.
Ryan and I just ignore her because we are too busy arguing with each other over why the poles were filled with dirt and how I set it up wrong when we camped at Sandy McNab.
“Have you set up a tent before?” drunk lady says again.
“Yes, thank you,” I snap.
“What’s the problem?” she asks again.

*The problem is you lady! Leave! We didn’t ask for help, we were happily arguing away and now we are just glaring at each other instead of being able to hurl insults. The sooner you leave, the sooner we can get back to fighting… Thank you and goodbye!* Of course I’m just thinking this.

“Well, she stuck the poles into the dirt instead of putting the pin in, so now I have to try to get the dirt out,” Ryan complains to the lady.
“Well, I was just trying to help. It was the first time I set up a tent and maybe if you would show me how to do it properly, instead of hogging the job trying to be Mr. Eagle Scout, you wouldn’t have this problem,” I shot back.
The lady just looks at the both of us and begins to slowly back away.
“Yeah, I made that mistake too when I first set up a tent… well, I’m sure you two have everything under control, so I’ll just leave now,” she says.
That’s right, leave before you get in the middle of a domestic dispute lady. *Ding, Ding* Round 2.

We eventually get everything set up and snuggle into our air beds, sleeping bags, blankets and feather beds. Ahhh… nothing like sleeping under billions of stars twinkling and winking at you, hearing the crickets chirp, the cow moo, the coyotes howl and the drunk people across the way having a crazy party yelling, screaming, and laughing until 2am. *sigh* What happened to quiet after 11pm? After wishing I was Darth Vader so I could silence them, I then wished that the kids would be really loud and wake them up in the morning with their shrieks and playful loud voices…

It’s great when wishes come true. No, I didn’t have Darth Vader powers when I woke up, but sure enough, 7am rolled around and a bunch of kids are playing the park next to us. They are loud, noisy and I’m sure have woken up the entire area with their commotion and racket. I smile as I imagine and hope they have woken up the late night partiers with pounding headaches, as their shrieks and squeals greet their ears way too early this morning….. Ah, it’s going to be a great day! Heh.

Josh was annoyed with the kids playing at the park. He wakes up and screams, “Hey! Be quiet! I’m trying to get some sleep in here!” Yes, I’m very proud that I’ve raised kids that like to sleep in.

We had a great breakfast with eggs, bacon, sausages, toast with jam and OJ. I don’t know why, but eating food outdoors just makes it taste better. After we eat, we head out and about to see what the place has to offer. We were given a bunch of coupons and free camping because the reservations lady screwed up our registrations to the Teddy Bear Picnic Train Ride, so we got about $100 worth of free stuff! Yippee! We went on a merry-go-round ride that was built in the 1950’s. It costed each of us a quarter, we had coupons for another free ride. The kids had a blast.

We went on go-carts that you pedalled. We went on a large 5 seater that fit the entire family. Ryan drove and pretended to crash into trees, dumpsters, fences and campsites. The kids freaked out. We had lots of fun driving around the farm. We went to another large park and then on to the petting zoo. The kids fed all the baby animals and enjoyed petting the goats, sheep, calf, piglet, rabbit, and baby chicks. Seeing and playing with the barn animals made me miss the farm, but not the smell. It smelled like manure. Yuck.

After seeing the animals, we then headed over to the beach. Our campsite #20 had a little path through the trees that lead out to the beach. We spent the afternoon playing in the water. The beach was really nice. They raked it every morning and it was very clean. The water was very shallow, clean and not slimy. Laura went out about 50 feet and the water was only up to her knees or waist the entire time before it finally dropped. There were a couple of slides set up in the middle of the lake and the kids played on the slides, had water fights and made sand castles. Mya crawled around on the beach and in the water. It was so relaxing. I loved it!

For supper I grilled Salmon, had rice and string beans. I set up the fire and cook on the campfire all by myself. I’m so proud, I deserve a medal. I love the maple syrup sauce that I made for the Salmon. Mmmm… so yummy. After supper we missed the horse drawn hay rides so we played mini golf. It was a really nice course located inside a barn. It had lots of old memorabilia from the 1920-50’s. They had old cars and tractors inside the barn that you played around. I kicked Ryan’s ass at pinball. The kids played mini golf, played in the arcade and won jelly beans as a prize for playing a catch the eggs game. Brandon and Mya went on little horse and cow mechanical rides. Everyone was tired by the time we headed back to our campsite in the dark.

As we ventured back we saw people lighting fireworks off at the beach, so we armed the kids with glow sticks and sat on the beach to watch the fireworks. About 5 different families came out and lit fireworks. It was so much fun. I loved watching the fireworks under the stars. They were beautiful.

We had a wonderful time! I would recommend coming here. Next year I’ll try again to get on the steam train and camp out here for the weekend, but I’ll get a bunch of friends to come play as well. Even though we didn’t make it on the train, I am happy over the free camping, free ice cream, free pancake breakfast, free merry-go-round rides and free mini-golf we received. I love free stuff. I love coupons. It’s always a happy day when I use coupons or get things for free.

The only problem I had with the place were the hornets. Brandon got bit on his ear and on his finger after he tried to pick one up off his plate. Josh got bit on the hand and Mya got bit on the ear. After my kids got bit for the third time we killed about 30 of them just for fun.

Each time I caught one, I would say in my best WWF voice. “You are about to be annihilated! I will rip you into shreds and make you beg for mercy! ARRRRR!”

Ya, I used to watch too much wrestling when I was younger. Sad, but true. I blame it on my 85 year old Grandma. She loves wrestling and always watches the WWF all the time. She believes it’s real and is enthralled by this show. WWF is her soap opera. She knows all the characters, all the history and is really into it. She flinches, winces and yells, “Get up! Get up! Look out!” at her TV screen. She gets mad if you talk during the wrestling matches. Probably cuz I make fun of her and make fun of the wrestlers. Big no no! Shhh… quiet Grandma is watching wrestling….

Anyway, we would trap the hornets in a clear cup then watch them freak out inside the cup. I would give my WWF speech then start shaking the cup along the table to disorientate the hornet. Once it was clearly pissed and dizzy, I would cut off parts of the the head or cut the body in half. If it was still alive but not able to fly or move around we’d put it in a pile. “Now you will suffer for stinging my kids! Die! Die! Die a slow and painful death you horrific insect!” Again said in my WWF voice.

One insect got away, but it was partially cut in half. As it flew away, I shook my fist and yelled, “Tell the others that there’s a new Queen in town and you’re all going down! Death to all hornets! You will be captured, tortured and eventually be killed a slow and painful death. Leave now while you can or be prepared to face my wrath!” Heh. You always got to let one live to tell the story to the others. I was having too much fun with this. People were giving our table strange looks, but this was great stress relief.

Every time I killed a hornet, I would shout in my best Arnold impersonation, “I am the great hornet killer! Bow Down! Bow down!”

After an hour of killing hornets and feeling lots of stress leave I was ready to move on. Ah Great Times.

Re: I need help quickly!

The contents of my office are quite atrocious! It’s spilling out into the hall. It’s worse than my bedroom was as a teenager. I can barely open the door and I step on stuff as I try to make my way to the desk.

I’m sure raccoons, dragons and pigs are in here somewhere enjoying and rejoicing in the horrific mess!

Every morning I open the door and peek in to see if by some miracle it’s clean. Each day I’m disappointed….it’s still a sty. I keep waiting for you to magically appear, wave your magic wand and everything is all Ikea organized so I can find my stuff.

But every morning I am crestfallen. Please try to make it over to my house soon.

The room is irritating the hell out of me and soon I may be forced to clean it up myself… and that would be just barbaric. I would hate to put you out of work.

I keep trying to wave my finger at the mess and say the magical words, “Bippity Boppity Boo!” but to no avail. I have even tried, “Abracadabra!, Alakazam!”, “Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches!” Unfortunately those don’t work either.

Please help, I am having lots of trouble locating items and I fear they have gotten lost in the abyss that is my office.

Sincerely,
Joanne

What the hell???

What kind of massage place books appointments at 8:15pm and then finishes at 10:40pm????

One that offers “specials” on the side me thinks!!! Ryan has a sore neck, so he books a massage appointment at 8:15pm at Body Kneads. His appointment is for an hour. He finally graces me with his presence at 10:45?

“What took you so long?” I ask.
“Huh? oh ya, she went over time with me,” he replies fiddling with his phone, not looking me in the eye.
“So what, you got the massage, plus the extra services on the side?”

He laughs then turns and goes upstairs to do some grocery shopping for me.

“Well, I hope you learned some new tricks and didn’t pick anything up while you were there!” I chide.

THIS MORNING:

“Wow, she did a great job!,” Ryan says.
“I’m sure she did!,” I say sarcastically.
He throws me a dirty look.
“How do you know she gave you a good massage?” I ask.
“My back is really sore.”
“It must have been quite the position then!” I retort grinning at him.
He ignores me and says, “She thinks you need to go in to see her too.”
“Really?!? Wow, so she’s bi-sexual then? hmm… well, tell her thanks, but no thanks. I don’t swing that way. Besides, I’ve told you before that I only like warm bananas.”

Wow! Booray sent me this site asking me where I live… haha…that cheeky monkey! He can see my backyard! He knows where I live!… Scary! This takes Peeping Tom to a whole new level!

I can see you, if you come to visit me!

Note to self: Stop tanning nude on the deck…

My memory brain cells are malfunctioning. I think I’m getting Alzheimers. I’m worried. My dad had it before he died and I think I’m getting it.

I lose my keys. I lose them constantly so I usually always put them in my right coat pocket, right jean pocket or in our key box at home. However, an incident occurred just the other day which made me freak. I had them in my hands as I got into the van, then I forgot where I set them down so I could put Mya in her car seat. After 10 minutes Laura finally found them for me. I’m losing it.

I’ve lost my black rimmed glasses. It’s been 2 weeks and I can’t find them. I thought I put them down by my bedside table but when I woke up they were gone… vanished…. without a trace. I have my contacts, but I like wearing my glasses around the house cuz they don’t make my eyes as tired. I have another pair, but I put them somewhere ” safe “ and I cannot remember where that safe place is. Obviously it’s safe from me too.

I had just changed Mya in Great Grandma Lee’s en-suite bathroom. I was sitting out on the couch when I thought, ‘hmmm, Mya’s not here, I wonder what she is doing.’

I turned to Ryan and said, “Ryan, can you go into Grandma’s bedroom and get Mya, cuz she’s in there all by herself and I don’t want her to get into mischief in there.”

He gives me a weird look but doesn’t get up.

I ask him 2 more times, each time I begin to stress out more because he’s just sitting there looking at me dumbfounded. I was playing a game with Laura and didn’t want to go get Mya. My voice is getting a little higher after each request. Finally my eyes narrow and through clench teeth I hiss, “Go. Get. Her!” I’m mad now. Any minute my head was going to start spinning around…

“You want me to get Mya?” he asks incredulously.

“Yes!” I hiss smoke fuming out of my ears.

“She’s not in Grandma’s room, you’ve been holding her the entire time. She’s nursing under the blanket ,” he replies looking confused and concerned.

I look down and sure enough, there she is. I seriously thought that she was in the other room. I was shocked to see that she was in my arms.

I’ve read articles on pregnant women that lose memory, I am still nursing so maybe, hopefully that’s what my problem is…

I think I might even have dementia. I’ve got some sort of itis…Stupiditis, moronitis, retarditis, forgetfulitis…

I’m downstairs making cinnamon buns and the boys are unusually quiet. “I’ll check on them after I am done,” I think to myself.

Wrong Thought.

2 min. after that thought runs through my brain Joshua erupts into a loud hyena ear splitting cry that could only mean one thing… He’s hurt.

I dash upstairs and he is sitting on the bed holding his foot, crying his eyes out.

“What happened?” I ask

“Brandon sprayed water on the light bulb and it exploded!” he wails.

The light bulb fixture doesn’t have a cover on because it is one of Ryan’s ongoing ‘projects‘ that he needs “a part for.”

Brandon is all wide eyed holding a dripping water gun.

“Did you spray the light bulb?” I ask.

“Josh did,” he points at Josh.

Beside Josh lays another water gun dripping with water. Eventually he confesses to spraying the light bulb as well.

*ARG*

IT HAS STARTED! They have teamed up to cause widespread terror to make me go insane. The two brains combined will cause chaos in my house!

I’m screwed! I’m up a creek without a paddle! Life as I know it will change. I better grab my military gear and suit up. I can’t go down without a fight.

KID TIP #1

DO NOT USE WATER GUNS TO SPRAY HOT LIGHT BULBS. THEY WILL EXPLODE.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

Ryan: You need to change your station off bitch. It’s on ‘All Bitch, All The Time!’
me: The dial is stuck. If you don’t like it get out of range.

Ryan: mommy is a little crabby right now kids…
5 min go by.
Joshua: All crabs have pincher’s. If mommy is crabby where are her pincher’s?
Ryan: Her words are her pincher’s.

I’m having a bad day, I woke up too early. Stay out of my way.

Brandon comes into my bedroom in the morning. I open a bleary eye and look at him.
“Mama, popcorn.”
I hear the microwave running and jump out of bed. I reach the top of my stairs and look down.

My entire main floor is covered in smoke!

Thick smoke is wafting throughout the main floor. I race towards the kitchen and turn off the microwave. The popcorn bag is on fire in the microwave and my microwave is yellow inside with smoke billowing out of it.

I grab the popcorn bag and toss it outside on the cement. I frantically rush around opening windows and doors all over trying to get rid of the smoke. I quickly rush upstairs, open all the windows and close all the bedroom doors. I run downstairs and close the basement door. I light 20 candles trying to get rid of the smell.

I don’t think my fire alarm works or it’s a stupid alarm. Just how much smoke does there have to be before it goes off?

My eyes are stinging, I feel like crawling around on the floor so I can get fresh air. My lungs are filled with this reprehensible, vile smelling smoke. It’s horrible. My house stinks like burnt popcorn. It’s just disgusting. I’m not impressed. Why does this child terrorise my house? Why did I have to get the mischievous kids? Why couldn’t I have calm children?

*sigh* It’s only 9am… way too early to be dealing with this.

We are camping at Sandy McNab, in Kananaskis this weekend! Yes, we actually made it for the weekend this time! It is just gorgeous out here! Great camping! There’s so many trees that you don’t see the person in the next camp site. It’s wonderful, scenic, serene, beautiful! Just us, the mosquitoes and several hundred flies. Ah, the joys of camping…

Since it is only 30 min. from our house I decided I would be a big help if I went out, picked a campsite and set up the tent. I went out at 3:00pm, perfect timing because I got the site that was right next to the park, a hop skip and a jump from the bathrooms and water tap. After I arrived and staked my claim, 5 other campers pull in behind me looking for the perfect spot to set up their RV’s or trailers. Bunch of wussies! That’s not camping, that’s called being lazy and showing off their fancy dancy 5th wheels, etc. Babies… OK, I’m actually jealous, but until we save up to buy one I’ll shake my fist at them and say, “Damn you!” as they pull by my sad little non-trailer camp site.

Setting up the tent is usually Ryan’s job, I like to make him feel needed. So this is the first time (and last time) I ever put up a tent. I fought with the tent for 2 hours, but finally managed to get it up putting a minor hole in the bottom of the tent… oops.. how the hell was I suppose to know that you don’t set up a tent touching two trees, on top of roots and with tree branches sticking up?

Sheesh. I tried! I thought it would look all cute n’ cozy. The tent bent around the tree just fine I thought, isn’t that why they make them all flexible? When Ryan saw it he laughed and said it was a sad, saggy, baggy, poor excuse for a tent. *sigh* From now on he can always set up the tent. I just didn’t want to be setting up at tent at 8:30 pm which is what time we got out there after Ryan came home, I did grocery shopping and packed the rest of everything. We headed off like a bunch of Beverly Hillbillies set to enjoy a weekend of +29C and quality family time.

I need to send those damn weather meteorologist a dead stinky fish on Monday. +29C in my ass! It was cold! I was in a sweater and jeans the entire time. Not to be put off by the cool weather, thankfully I packed for it, (after all you never know what the weather is like out here) I tried to round the offspring into singing some camp songs while making smores.

I made a camp song booklet and everything… I’m a keener, I know. I let the kids decorate the booklet with felts, stickers and pom, poms but they still just stared at me as I belted out: Found a peanut.

I tried to get participation by having them mimic me with The bear song. That was a fail attempt. They sang quietly, with shaky voices as if they were scared a bear was going to come out of the woods to eat them if they sang too loudly…

*sigh* Guess I shouldn’t have told them that bears were in the woods and would come out to eat them if they didn’t be quiet and go to sleep on Friday night…. It was midnight. I was tired and they would not settle! It was the only thing that would work, and it was better than beating them…

I also tried to get them to sing my favorite… well, actually I have lots of favorites, this is just one of them.

My Bonnie has tuberculosis
My Bonnie has only one lung
She spits up a bloody solution
And rolls it around in her tongue.

Dentyne, Dentyne, Oh Dentyne’s
My favorite gum, yum, yum.
Dentyne, Dentyne, Oh Dentyne’s
My favorite gum!

My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank,
The height of it’s contents to see
I lit up a match to assist her
Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me.

Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back
My Bonnie to me, to me.
Bring back, bring back, Oh bring back
My Bonnie to meeeeee!

There’s more to it, but those are my favorite parts. After this song though, they were done…

A horse and a flea and 3 blind mice
Sat on a curb-stone shooting dice,
The horse he slipped and fell on the flea.
“Oops,” said the flea, “there’s a horsey on me!”

Boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy
Boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy
Crazy and foolish all day long,
Boom, boom, ain’t it great to be crazy…

Laura (7) looks at me, *sigh* and says, “Can I go ride my bike now?”
Joshua (4) chimes in, “Yeah, I wanna to go swing in the hammock.”
Brandon (2) speaks in gibberish and all I make out is, “park.”
They all scatter before I can utter a protest.
Mya (11months) however, gives me hope. She’s sitting on my lap hopping up and down, smiling and gurgling away. At least someone appreciates my singing.

I look at Ryan, I can see the wheels turning in his head, “Oh no, think, think, think, where can I go?”
Before he can make any excuses I pat the seat beside me and say, “Come here babe, I wanna sing you my favorite song.” He looks defeated as he obediently comes to sit beside me.
“Isn’t this fun?” I ask.
“So much fun I can hardly sit down,” is his reply.

Ignoring him I say, “OK, turn to page 8 and lets sing “The Linger Song.”

As I start to sing I sway. Mya sways, she likes to sway.
“OK, Stop right there. I won’t sway. I just won’t do it. You can’t make me sway,” Ryan says.

I whisper in his ear and he begins to sway with me, but only for a couple of verses. Much to his relief Brandon saves him by walking on the little dirt road as a truck is backing up. Ryan jumps up to get him and then mysteriously disappears for awhile.

At night it is just freezing. I have an air mattress, a sleeping bag under me, 2 blankets on top of me, 2 feather beds, and a sleeping bag on top of them. I should be snug as a bug, and for the most part I am, except for my face. It’s so cold. I can see my breath in the tent. I didn’t bring a toque or a sweater with a hood so I’m freezing. I can’t just shove my head under the blankets cuz Mya is beside me and I don’t want to suffocate her so I’m stuck with having a cold face. Since sleeping conditions have to be just right or I don’t sleep, I get at most 3 hours sleep all night long. I don’t know exactly, but it felt like that. I kept hearing the snapping of twigs in the distance making me wonder if a deer was walking by or a bear. I was listening intently to see if I could hear a sniffling snout coming around the camp site checking for any food.

Crazy thoughts were flying through my brain preventing me from sleeping. All of a sudden a squirrel lets out a long, loud war cry and within moments I hear pine cones being dropped onto our tent. I think I put our tent too close to his home. He wasn’t impressed. He dropped 11 pine cones on our tent, one on our picnic table and 6 by our truck. He was pissed. We were being assaulted by a rodent at 2am. I almost yelled at him to cut it out, because I was afraid one of the pine cones would pierce our tent, putting a hole in the top of our tent, but I didn’t for fear of waking the baby and the bear sleeping next to me. So I lay there, wishing I was Darth Vader and thinking of all the things I would do to that squirrel if I could. Squirrel moccasins, squirrel gloves, squirrel hat, squirrel soup, baked squirrel, squirrel a la mode, the possibilities are endless.

We went for a hike to some waterfalls nearby, what they are called I don’t have a clue cuz some idiot vandalized the sign so I called them, “Joanne’s knuckle falls.” Joshua wanted to call them, “Joshua’s bum falls.” The kid cracks me up. They were really pretty and we took lots of pictures which I hope turn out, but I don’t know since I forgot to pack my contact lens solution and couldn’t get my contacts in the next morning. I was running around partially blind all day. I could see just fuzzy wuzzy like. Nothing sharp, so I put my camera on auto-focus and hoped for the best. I wish I had a digital camera. My Canon E-OS is getting old and I want a new toy.

We saw an interpretive show by Parks Canada which made me wonder how much these girls got paid. It was a couple of hyped up, 20 somethings, talking like valley girls, singing and dancing like Brittany Spears. They did a little number to “oops I did it again.” Tasteless. They were doing an “informational” show on bears, geared towards families. It was partially amusing, but I was laughing at them, not with them. Their big joke as they ran around dressed up as a grizzly bear and brown bear was that bears get cubs after they hibernate.

“Damn! So that’s what’s been happening to me! No wonder I keep having so many kids. Who’da thunk?” I mutter to Ryan.
“Someone needs to teach these girls about the birds and the bees,” Ryan whispers in my ear.

It was a loooooong play. 0 out of 5 stars. We left early. I’m sure they eventually found out that bears do more than just hibernate to get prego and have cubs I just didn’t want to have to sit through the agony a minute longer. These girls talked like a friend I once had in college that irritated the hell out of me. I would’ve rather scooped my eye out with spoon.

We left for home. I get to sleep in my cozy bed tonite cuz I have to teach Sharing Time (for the last time, yea! I’m released!) on Sunday then I’ll join the troops tomorrow after church to see if they survived another squirrel ambush.

I like to change my answering machine message about once every 2 weeks. It gives me, callers something to look forward to.

This is my new one:

(Narrator’s voice. Think Masterpiece Theatre with dramatic pauses and voice fluctuations.)

There Ryan sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a furry of toilet paper, with Ryan in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will be make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

… unfortunately, he’s got the criminal manipulative smarts.

Overheard:

Joshua’s best friend Victoria is over for a play date. Her feelings about him here.

Josh: Victoria, if you don’t let me play Rescue Heroes on the computer, I’m not going to marry you when we grow up!

Victoria: *sigh* OK, fine Joshy, you can play Rescue Hero’s instead of babies. Will you still marry me?

Josh: Yes, now let me play. Come and watch.

OR:

Josh: But Victoria, I want to play Spiderman and you have to play Spidergirl because you love me remember?

Victoria: Yes, I do love you Joshy and one day we are going to get married…

Josh: Sure. OK, pretend that Brandon is the bank robber and….

Each time I hear him say things like that to her, I do sit him down and try to talk to him about it but I don’t think it’s sinking in.

His poor future wife. I’d like to take this time to apologize to his wife…

“Yeah, sorry. Sucks to be you. Good luck with him. He’s yours now… hahahaha suckerrrrrrrrrrr!!”

Just kidding… only 1/2.

I get bored of having the same message playing over and over so I like to change my message. I try not to make it too funny cuz then people tend to have the entire office call my house. I’ve learned this the hard way…

When I play back my messages I see that I have 10 messages? Wow! I think, someone must really need to talk to me. It must be important… but no, just a bunch of bored office workers with too much time on their hands.

The messages all sound like this, “hahahahah” or “haha, that was funny. Bob come here” or “*snort, snicker*” or “that’s great!” or “that’s original” or “that’s the best message I’ve ever heard!” *click*

I’ve actually had a lady call my house twice in a matter of a few minutes. The first time I didn’t answer. The second time I thought it must be important so I’d better answer the phone.

me: Hello.
caller: Oh, you’re home?
me: It would appear that way.
caller: Well, could you hang up and don’t answer when I call again? I have my mother on the line and I’m doing a 3-way call here and I want her to listen to your message. It’s so funny.
me: Sure.

*click*

However, when my mother calls she usually says this:

“Joanne? Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Are you there? Hello! If you’re there pick up the phone, I need to talk to you. Hello! Joanne! Joooaaannnnaaa! What are you doing? Pick up the phone! It’s me! Mom. Pick up the phone. Joanna. I don’t like your answering machine message. It’s stupid. Pick up the phone! Joanna! Joanna! Why do you always have to put such crazy messages on your phone? *silence for 10 seconds* Helloo! Pick up the phone! Are you there? Hello! I have something to tell you that you want to know about! Pick up the phone…”

I don’t think my mother quite understands the concept of the answering machine.

I was quite naive and very innocent when I left home after high school. I moved to Calgary and began to enjoy my freedom from my strict parents.

My boyfriend Tok (yes, that’s his real name. His parents were flower children of the 60’s and they named him after their favorite thing) and I were making out on the couch at his place.

We were laying on the couch and he was grinding his groin into me as we were kissing.

I felt something hard press up against me and it bugged me.

I pull away and look at him. “What’s in your pocket?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“What’s in your pocket?” I query again.

“What are you talking about?” he asks not quite knowing what I’m referring to.

“Well, there’s something in your pocket that keeps on digging into me and it’s beginning to hurt. Can you take it out?”

He looks at me in disbelief.

“What is it?” I point to the bulge in his pocket.

“It’s a banana.” He says with a sly grin.

“A Banana!?!” I am so confused and exasperated. “Well, take the banana out of your pocket then, cuz it’s bugging me.”

“I can’t, maybe I’ll show it to you later,” he says and starts to kiss me again.

Not one to let things go I persist even further.

“Why do you have a banana in your pocket?” I ask again.

He chuckles and says, “I like warm bananas.”

“Really? You eat warm bananas? That’s weird! Why would you eat warm bananas? Don’t they get squished in your pocket? I mean I like bananas, but I only like them when they are firm, I don’t like them when they are soft with the black spots, cuz then they are gross……”

He began to kiss me again to shut me up…..

I never understood the banana bit until a few months later I had a different boyfriend… All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head and I said, “OMG! I am such an idiot!”

If I ever see Tok again I’ll banish all thoughts to hide under a rock, go up to him, smile and say, “You know what? I like warm bananas too!”

Loud Simple Plan music playing in the background.

” Hello.

Hello?

Helloooooo

Hello?

Hold on a second, I gotta go turn down the music. (pause for 6 seconds, music gets quieter)

ok, sorry about that. Hey how’s it going?

(pause for 7 seconds)

hahaha, That was just me playn’ with you! You’ve called the number you called so leave your blah, blah, blah after the beep and I’ll get back to you. Talk to ya later. Bye.”

People fall for it every time! LMAO! *sigh* It’s so fun to hear people try to talk while the message is playing. Then when they leave a message they are usually exasperated or pissed off… I love it!

…to the video store to watch this show.

My review of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Johnny Knoxville - Luke Duke
Seann Williams Scott - Bo Duke
Jessica Simpson - Daisy Duke
Willie Nelson - Uncle Jesse
Boss Hogg - Burt Reyolds

The story revolves around Burt Reynolds who plays Boss Hogg. He is having farms seized for trumped up reasons. He seizes Uncle Jesse’s farm and the Duke boys try to figure out what Boss Hogg is up to.

I am someone who as never seen the actual TV show.. why not? cuz I grew up under a rock in the middle of no where, that’s why.

To me this is a video rental. It is a fun ride and it’s a mindless summer fun. I LOVED the car chases, races and jumps. I found the comedy to be forced and weak. It could have been better. It had funny parts, I laughed, but the movie was just ok.

Ryan loved it. He watched the show as a kid and said it was just like watching a long episode except the Sheriff and Amos were a lot smarter in the movie than they were on the show. Daisy Duke was also a lot more provocative in the movie. Wow… Jessica Simpson is definitely sexy in this movie. If I was a lesbian I’d go for her. She’s hot.

I miss my GMC Yukon. I drive a piece of crap 1998 maroon Ford Windstar van. Ryan says he’s never going to buy me anything new again… Never ever. I told him that if it was new I’d take better care of it but in the mean time, I am just trying to kill this thing. I usually go through a vehicle every year. I keep telling him I’ve had this thing for 2 years now. That’s a record. He’s not impressed.

This van has got some racen’ stripes. Poles and posts keep jumping out chasing me down and scraping along side my van. I’ve got baadings (Joanneism) and boinks on all four sides. I think it adds character and tells people around me to get the hell out of my way. Ryan doesn’t appreciate my point of view.

Estimated Time of Departure: 3:00pm
Actual Time of Departure: 8:30pm

ok, let’s just state the obvious right now…. I’m always late. It’s the one thing you can depend on. I will without fail be late. Every once in a blue moon I’ll be on time, but the norm is to count on me being late. It’s not that I don’t have good intentions or that I don’t want to be on time. I do. I really do. It’s just that for some reason or another I’m always late.

People who know that about me accept it and make allowances for it by telling me an earlier time if they want me to be on time to something or they just expect me to show up 20 min. - 1/2 hour late. I was late when I was born, I was late to the school bus, I was late to my wedding, I’ll be late to my own funeral.

My problem? I just hate being early. I hate waiting. I don’t care if people wait for me. I just hate waiting for other people. Hypocritical I suppose. I really don’t care. I just don’t like to wait for anyone or anything. I get bored too easy and can’t stand having to be on someone else’s schedule. I want to get there and instantly start. That and I’m a procrastinator.

I went to Medicine Hat to visit my childhood friend, Leslie. We get along great. I like to cook, she likes to clean. Together we make a perfect match. She’s hilarious. When we get together we laugh and act goofy. She thinks of the funny things to say, I think of the funny things to say or do. We feed off each other and hilarity ensues. We had a good time. We laughed, we talked, we hung out, went for walks and enjoyed each others company. A great weekend. I wish she lived closer to me by Auto-cocks… I mean Okotoks. She wishes I lived closer to her in Medicine Hat. It’s always good to have friends that make you laugh and relax.

When I was in Grade 2 this is the thought that went through my head:

“Why are we learning math? I don’t need to learn math! I won’t need to use this in my lifetime.”

I stopped paying attention in math class…. yeah, I think I fell out of my crib one to many times as a baby.

Oh for the love of great green gobs of greasy grimy gofer guts, mutilated monkey meat and little dirty birdies feet!

I am sick and tired of lending out my stuff and then not getting them back for one reason or another. I’m missing a stack of books and I don’t know where they are or who I’ve lent them to. It’s annoying.

It also pisses me off.

So the next time I rave about a book and someone says, “Can I borrow it?”

I’ll say, “Hell no! Go to Chapters, my library is closed.”

Dear Bunny,

Bitchalicious wants you to:

Finish painting the stairwell
2 Coats in the TV room - Red
1 Coat in the bedroom - Yellow

I’ll be leaving here at 6pm and I’ll be home at 8:30pm. Please get this done.

Thanks,
The bitch that yelled in your ear.

Consequence:
Your gym membership will be revoked for one month and you’ll get your saggy stomach and saggy ass back. I’ll call you chubby all the days of your life.

It’s raining. It’s dark. Driving down Macleod Trail a red light commands us to stop. The roadway is lit by lamp posts that perpetually dot the side of the road. Jodie (male) and Arlee (female) have stopped ahead of us in their black car. I jump out of our truck, race out into the rain and throw myself against their car. They both jump. I couldn’t ask for a better facial reaction from either of them. I love a good reaction and this definitely got me one. Satisfied that they will be changing their shorts when they get home, I make a blowfish on their passenger window and race back laughing deliriously.

Arlee climbs out of their sunroof and attempts to flash us. She lifts her shirt up to her bottom breast crease and stops…Low Performance. At first I thought she was going to go all the way, but no. Chicken. Never one to be outdone I tell Ryan to pull up beside them as we drive. I hop into the back and get ready. “Roll down the window!” I order. Obediently he does.

I hang my naked ass out the side window and shake what my momma gave me. Cars around us begin to honk. After a minute I stop and hop back into the front seat.

*sigh* I am the Queen. Victory is so sweet.

August 8 - 15!

August 8, 1997: The day that the ball and chain got welded officially to my ankle till death do you part… hey I still had an out!

August 15, 1998: The day that the ball and chain got welded permently to my ankle for time and all eternity….there’s no turning back now!

Although for the most part I rant, rave and bitch about Ryan he really does have lots of good things going for him.

1. He always listens to me without interrupting and lets me have my say.
2. He kisses me goodbye in the morning while I am sleeping. I wake up enough to mumble “I love you” as he heads off to the gym at 5am.
3. He’s good at saying, “I’m sorry.”
4. He never yells at me or puts me down. He’s yelled at me twice during the 11 years that we have known each other… and I so deserved it. One was for racking the credit card up to $5000.00 for Christmas one year. The other was when I ended up chatting with a friend for 2 hours after I dropped Laura off at school and made him late for work to his new job.
5. He tells me I’m beautiful.
6. He’s patient with me.
7. He calms me down.
8. He always tells me he loves me. When I’m upset, sad or angry he gives me a hug and kiss. That’s when I need it the most.
9. He knows all my imperfections and loves me despite them.
10. He has never hit me, even when I probably deserved it. If the roles were reversed I would have hit me!
11. He’s an excellent dad. When he gets home he greets the kids at the door with smiles, kisses, hugs and gives them airplane rides.
12. He calls me during the day to see how my day is going. He tells me that he is thinking of me and that he’s glad that he married me. He always ends the phone call with, “I love you.”
13. He does not expect me to work outside of the home. He values the time and energy I put into raising the kids and keeping our home a haven from the crazy world.
14. He’s really good looking. He’s sexy. Damn fine and sexalicious.

I love you babe! We’ve had a roller coaster ride over the past 8 years and I’m glad I’ve spent every one of those moments with you. Thanks for putting up with crazy lil’ me! I look forward to spending the rest of eternity with you! Hugs and kisses to all your private parts!

This guy should have a reality show, where he sings to various songs. I’d watch, but only if he promises to dance too… LMAO!

Lip Synching at it’s best!

Now that is a great performance!

WTF?!?

Why oh why do people call me at the crack of dawn? Don’t they realize that it’s summer vacation and I like to sleep in? GAH! For the love of Pete and everything Holy!

DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT CALL BEFORE 10AM! 10am is my rising time. Not 8:00, 9:15, 9:30, 9:45 or 9:50… 10 AM!!! So F*ck off and don’t call me a million times trying to wake me up! It makes me pissy and cranky! ESPECIALLY when I hear:

“Hey! What are you doing? Huh? No nothing important, just calling to chat.”

WHAT THE F*CK!?! You mean there was NO emergency? We are not being invaded by the Germans? A tornado isn’t heading towards my house? Aliens haven’t landed? It’s not the 2nd coming? THEN DON’T CALL ME!

*click*

Holy Crack Pot Babies and Snuffalupagus Snouts! People Leave Me The Hell Alone! If it’s so damn important leave a message. That’s what the answering machine is for! Learn it! Use it!

I want to thank you for bring back my son from wandering around the park, but I think you have some superiority issues you need to deal with.

The first time you brought him to me, I don’t think was warranted because the splash park that we were at is enclosed by a fence with only 2 openings. He was playing by the swings and trees which are both surrounded by fence. Why you had a problem with this I do not know, but thank you for bring him back all concerned for his well being, but he was fine. You were polite and you promptly left after returning him. Thank you.

The second time you brought him back you had an attitude. I was quite shocked and appalled to say the least. I’m not too sure what kind of reaction you were looking for, but I obviously didn’t give you what you wanted. You found him walking in the parking lot heading down towards the river. Thank you for bring him back safely to me. I politely thanked you, but you refused to let him go.

“I’m hesitant to release him into your care, because you are not taking care of him and he’ll probably wander away again.”

Sooooooo, what? Did you want to keep him? *sigh* Alright. I’ll play along.

‘Well, I suppose I can always make more. I am still fertile. His name is Brandon and he likes cheese. Brandon this skinny assed, beady eyed, hooked nosed, balding scraggly brown haired bitch here wants to take you home. Do you want to go home with her? No? Sorry lady, you’re out of luck. The kid is scared of you. I guess you’ll have release him into my care.’

“If you have too many children here to watch and take care of I suggest you pack up and go home…. immediately.”

‘I’ll take that into consideration bitch, but last time I checked you don’t own this public park and I don’t know who made you the Park Nazi, but I can do whatever the hell I want. I also plan to leave whenever the hell I want and you, nor anyone else can tell me otherwise. You ignorant, arrogant, little cunt.

*sniff, sniff* You need to go home yourself, you reek of bitch. You need to take a shower to cool off and take some bitch off cuz you are really stanky. Maybe have some sex too and that will make you happier. In the mean time stay the fuck out of my personal space or I’ll kick your ass!’

Sincerely,
Joanne

Warning: This real life story contains scenes of violence and is not intended for people that are squeamish. Heh. I’ve always wanted to say that. Be ye now warned!

For as long as I can remember I wanted a horse.

When I was 1 1/2 (my mom swears I was only one and a half, but I think I must have been older cuz my memory is so clear and detailed) I was bitten by my German Sheppard dog on the left side of my face by my temple. It is usually covered by my hair, but it is still there. He also bit me in the corner of my right eye, just missing my eye ball by millimeters. You can’t tell unless I point it out.

To this day, I can still close my eyes and remember that day in color. It’s very vivid in my memory…

It was a beautiful summer day. The grass was green and the bright yellow sun came streaming through the trees that surrounded our little farm. There was a small area that was cleared of trees. Our tiny 700 sq. ft. home that my mom and dad built stood on the west side of the small clearing. To the east were a small chicken coup and a little barn. Trees heavily lined a pot-holed little dirt country road that snaked its way to the main highway. My parents had a little hobby farm with a few goats, a couple of sheep, ducks, geese, chickens and 2 dogs. One was a German Sheppard and one was a shaggy dog. Unfortunately for me we didn’t have a horse. I desperately wanted one.

I was outside playing with the dogs in front of our house. I always wanted a horse so “Jumbo” the German Sheppard was my designated horsy. To me he was tall. It took me a few attempts to scramble on top of him. I would try to ride him like a horse.

“Giddy-up Jumbo!” I’d order. (Whether I actually said this or this was a running dialogue in my mind I don’t know.)

He would constantly sit down; therefore I would slide off his back. This irritated me. I kept trying to climb onto his back, but he would keep moving, growling every now and then. Frustrated, I got a willow stick and whipped the dog with my stick if he sat down. (I never said I didn’t deserve to be bitten) He was getting quite angry. His growling grew louder and longer. I had no idea what growling meant. I thought to myself, ‘I wonder why he is growling?’ So after who knows how long of being climbed on and beaten by my willow stick he bites me.

I was surprised and shocked that he had bitten me! Red blood began running through my eyes and down my face. I don’t remember the pain, I just remember crying and thinking I had to tell my mom. I walked up the four green wooden stairs to the metal screen door. Looking through the window I saw my mother in the kitchen washing dishes with her back to me. She wore a maroon colored pair of polyester pants and a cream colored shirt. I banged on the screen door because I couldn’t open it. I was screaming and crying. She turned around. Her eyes grew big as saucers and a look of shock, horror and terror filled her face. She screamed for my father as she rushed towards me and flung open the door.

She grabbed me, brought me in, snapped up some dish towels and placed them on my face. I couldn’t breathe, so I kept trying to push the towels away and she kept pushing them on my face to try to stop the blood. My mother was screaming and frantic. My dad still hadn’t come into the kitchen.

“Hold this and don’t take it off your face!” she told me hysterically.

She then ran off to wake up my dad. Once she had left my side I took the dish towels off my face. Freed from the towels blood began to run freely down my face. Looking from the kitchen into the living room I saw my dad laying on the couch with his back towards me. He was wearing a light yellow shirt with tan colored pants. Suspenders crisscrossed his back and held up his pants. My dad had friends over earlier and was passed out drunk on the couch. She finally managed to wake him from his alcohol induced sleep.

The next thing I remember I was standing on the porch with my parents. My dad took my tricycle and threw it at Jumbo. He yelled and shook his fist in rage at the dog. Jumbo tucked his tail between his legs and ran out of my dads way. We then jumped into the truck and headed towards the hospital. The truck had a plastic bench seat. My father drove and I sat snuggled next to my mother. She kept putting pressure on my head. It was an hour ride to the hospital since we lived in the country, but all I remember was my mother yelling at my father to go faster. I had stopped crying at this point and was scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Looking outside I saw green fields and green trees slip by as we sped towards the hospital. I was exhausted from crying and my heavy eyes close.

Before I know it I’m in a small hospital room. It’s all white and I see a strange man looking at me. He is wearing a long white doctor’s coat. Something smells funny. All these years later, I realize it was the smell of medicine, but at the time I had no clue as to why it stunk so badly. The doctor is examining my head and tells my mother that I need stitches. He takes a long needle and freezes the area. I feel a cold skinny piece of metal pierce my skin and sting my head. I begin to cry once again. Soon the pain subsides as the freezing begins to take effect. He then threads black thread into a needle. This time I am leery of him sticking anything into my head after the first sting. My mother bribes me with an ice cream cone if I am good and can sit still. When I finally consent to letting the doctor come near me with another needle I feel pressure, but no pain. I got 34 stitches. After he was done, I looked in a big square mirror on the wall and see two rows of little black x’s on my temple.

“You were really brave!” says the doctor. All I can think about now is that I get ice cream for being so good while they stitched me up. Strawberry ice cream. Yummy! I’m all about the treats! I happily licked my pink cone. I feel very loved and comforted as I snuggled into my mother for the drive home.

When we got back home, my dad called the neighbors across the highway to come over. I saw my dad loading the 22 gun. I was curious as to why he had the gun out. I had no clue. He loaded it. I was standing by him with my mom. The dogs were both barking frantically. He raised his arm and aimed the gun at Jumbo. The neighbor was holding Jumbo by the collar. Then right in front of me he shot the dog. The dog crumpled and fell to the ground. Red blood quickly pooled around his head on the brown dirt. I screamed and cried. I loved Jumbo. My mother tries to explain to me why they shot the dog. She said that once a dog tasted blood he would bite again. I was so sad because I knew that it was my fault the dog got shot.

As my dad and the neighbor talked, I ran over to Jumbo and tried to wake him up. I shook his body and grabbed his paw. His dark brown paw was limp. Tears streamed down my cheeks. My dog was now dead. Jumbo was my first dog. I really loved him. My heart ached and I so badly wanted him to be alive.

The neighbor then tied the dog with some rope to the back of the tractor and dragged its limp body down the small dirt road. I watched with sadness as the dog was carted away, its lifeless body bumping along the country road. It left a blood smear down the road as it travel away from me. I stood and watched until the tractor was no longer to be seen.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris.” Could I please speak with Robin Carter?”
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are.”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

***I love this joke! I always laugh when I read it!***

Feb 15, 2005
Joshua 4 years old.
I didn’t feel like cooking or eating so I made the kids mac & cheese for dinner. 4 year old Josh was snuggling with Ryan at the end of the day and came up with this quip:

“Tonite I didn’t like what mommy made for dinner, but it’s ok. I still love her.”

Feb 16, 2005
Mya burped so loudly that she scared herself.

March 2005
Laura why haven’t you cleaned your room yet?
Flustered she my 7 year old replies, “Well, I try, but my mind keeps telling me to play instead!”

July 22, 2005
Mya waves hello or goodbye. She does the Queen wave. So cute. She already acts like a princess.

August 2, 2005
Mya takes 2 steps on her own unassisted. Aaahhh! She’s starting to walk!

I can’t stand Tom Cruise. I really don’t see why he is so great and why the media keeps on putting this nut on TV. I don’t watch his movies anymore. I don’t have any respect for him at all. He’s just crazy in my books. So I must plug this website cuz I think that it’s hilarious. That and Tom doesn’t like it…he’s getting his sharks ready to attack so read it while you can!

Tom Cruise is Nuts!

Continuing the camping trip to the GCBD:

So we get to our campsite at midnight. We decide to set up the tent since the drunken guy in the site next to us has wandered over and has offered to help us.

“Hey, do you need help?” He calls out from the darkness.
“Sure! That’d be great!” I chirp.
” I’m a little inebriated, but I’ll do my best.”
*sigh* Why couldn’t he have mentioned that before?
We have a nice drunk guy. He just stands there the entire time, our little stout Santa Claus-like foreman and says, “yep, that looks right. You’ve got it. That’s a big tent. I’ve got a few beers in me. I can’t see that well. It’s dark. I can’t hear that well. That’s the front…that’s the top… and that’s the back. Good job… oh look there’s a window and there’s a door.”
Oh go sit down! F*ck! I don’t need a running commentary or a cheering squad.

After 20 minutes of pulling out poles, sleeping bags, pillows and backpacks we haul the kids into the tent and go to sleep… and I sleep kind of. I’m a very light sleeper so if something moves or rustles I’m usually awake. In our hurry to put up the tent, Ryan didn’t tie down some of the top dome part. Since it is Southern Alberta the wind just had to howl and so I was up all night with the damn rustling of the tent. Mya kept getting up every hour it seemed cuz she always wanted a smackerel of milk and since I was right there, why not? GAH!

The morning came and we woke up earlier than we had when we are at home. We awoke at 7:30am. *ugh* Who the hell gets up that early??? I know I don’t. But of course the damn cows in the area and the birds had to announce that the sun was up and everyone else needed to be up as well. Thank you, but keep it to yourself please!

We took showers (yea, I wasn’t camping without a shower and flushing toilet nearby) then we headed off to the Leavitt family reunion. Ryan’s grandma is a Leavitt so that makes us related to everyone in Southern Alberta. Crazy. I ran into people that I knew when I was still single. I was amused and shocked that I was now related to them. As I looked around you could tell who was who. There were a few scenarios that had played out.

1. It looked like there was a bit of inbreeding done amongst some of the family. Odd looking bunch.
2. You could tell who married outside the family. Hot looking bunch.
3. You could tell who was a Leavitt by those Leavitt childbearing hips or big Dumbo ears. These were either chubsters or skinny bean poles with floppy ears.

hmmm… am I getting mean? Yes, I suppose I am. Hell, I’m just telling it like it is….

There was the typical breakfast and the draws… Ryan put $20 down on a quilt. $20 on a freakn’ quilt!??!! I was pissed. WTF?!? I swear, sometimes me thinks he’s a little gay. We better win this damn quilt cuz I could’ve bought other stuff with that money. I’m so not a gambler. If I have to part with my money I want it to be on clothes, food, entertainment, travel or hobbies and I don’t think a draw for a damn quilt falls into any of those categories… well of course we lost. Surprise, surprise. Damn poofter.

Well, on to the races, cuz what’s a family reunion without the races. All my kids’ race and they come in last. Dead last. Ryan came in 4th, so I knew that I needed to represent. I was cheering my best cheer, “Way to go! Good job! You’re a good runner! I’m so proud of you! You did great!” In my mind I’m think “Damn, damn, damn! We had 4 chances to win something and we didn’t win! ARG!”

Yes, I am quite a little competitive one. So when my category came up I had to represent. Show them how it was done. My category? 25-35 year old women. So I was right in the middle. Not the youngest, not the oldest. I cheered and ran over excited and thrilled to be able to run. My adrenaline was pumping. I felt like a thoroughbred horse just pawing at the gates waiting to be set free at the word, “GO!” I was getting nervous. I HAD to win! It’s in my blood to win. I ran in Cross Country and Track when I was younger, I usually always placed in the top 3. This was my sport. I LOVE to run. I could feel the energy and the adrenaline surging throughout my body. I had to shake some of it out and hop up and down cuz it was almost uncontrollable.

I glanced over at my competition. 12 other women that were plumpish and a downs syndrome kid. I smiled. They will all be annihilated in a few moments.

The woman next to me says, “I haven’t raced since I was in high school, I hope I don’t fall. I’m nervous. This is silly.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just shut up bitch and eat my dust. You’re in for an ass kicking.” Well, that’s what I wanted to say, but instead I smiled sweetly and said, “yeah, me too. I haven’t run in forever. I’m outta practice.” Heh. I didn’t want to create enemies since we were amongst family.

I focus on the finish line, channeling all my energy that is surging through my body begging to be let free. I crouch like a tiger waiting to pounce on its prey… and I wait. It’s all about the kill now…

On your mark… get set…. GO!

I leap out of the starting line like a bullet shot from a gun. As I run I can feel myself picking up speed. This is only a crummy 50 meters at best. I roar through the finish line and keep running for a bit to try to slow myself down. I WON!!! Boo-yah! Wooooo Hooooo! I’m not even breathing hard or breaking a sweat!

My prize? A Cadbury Crunchie chocolate bar. I’m all about the chocolate. I would’ve done 10 laps around the track had they have told me I would win a chocolate bar. I’m also all about the winning.

I’m first! The Special Olympics kid comes in 2nd and some chubster comes in 3rd. I’m just thrilled to pieces. I won. I run up to Ryan all joyous.
“Did you see that? I kicked ass! I won! ”
“Way to go hon, you beat the retarded kid and all those fat ladies.” He says sarcastically.
Damn him to pop my bubble of happiness.
“Damn straight I did! So how much did I win by?”
“A lot. A little over a truck length.”
“Really?!? Wooo hooo! Check out my prize!” I’m just still beaming not letting him push me off my pedestal of champion runner at the good ole’ family reunion. “Did you take a picture?”
“Huh? No, I was holding the baby!”
Idiot. “What?!? My first race in 10 years that I run in and I win, and you don’t document it for all time to be framed and revered???”
He just gives me a funny look. “I love you,” he says as if to remind himself that he does. Damn him and the horse he rode in on! That was photo worthy! I was looking around for a podium to stand on, so I could hold my chocolate, wave to the cheering crowd and hear the national anthem. Unfortunately there was nothing.

For the rest of the day I’m a cocky little bitch all proud that I beat out the Special Olympics kid and the chubby ladies. Victory is sweet.

Everyone kept coming around and congratulating me. They are amazed that I put such a distance between myself and everyone else. I tried to downplay it and brush it off saying that I used to run anyway and it was nothing. But inside I was doing my happy jig and screaming, “I WON!!! I KICKED ASS!”

Ahhh… It was a proud moment. Seriously the highlight of my weekend! How sad is that. *sigh* I need to get out more.

For F*ck You!
and
What the F*ck!
and
F*ckity, F*ckity, F*ckity, F*ck!
and
What the Freak was I thinking?

My rant for the day is that I’m proving to myself over and over again that I’m a sucker, I trust people when I shouldn’t and I’m just plain stupid. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!! Oh yeah… and I’m mad.

Background: I love Super Nintendo. It’s my crack cocaine. Love it! I had it when I was a kid and I still love it to this day. Thursday, July 28, 2005, I bought one. For the kids of course! It will help them “improve spatial thinking, reflex time, hand-eye coordination and intelligence.” That’s what I’m telling Ryan anyway. He hates Nintendo cuz he loses his wife and I obsess over winning these games. I do nothing else but play. The house goes to hell and the kids run wild but I got to level 5!!!!!!!!!!

I’m actually getting it for them for Christmas I just have to try it out in the mean time to make sure it works, since it’s been used before… “just doing some project testing honey, be back…later.”

The bitchfest: So I call up the Pawn Shop Superstore and they cunningly ripped me off. They tell me that Super Nintendo’s are going for $80.00 and the games are ranging from $20, 30 to 500. Stupid me believes them, instead of doing a search on the internet and seeing how much they are really selling for. I actually went in there for the Nintendo 64, but once they showed it to me I realized it was the Super Nintendo that I want and not the Nintendo 64. So I purchase the Super. I spend $140.00 cuz I also get Super Mario $20, Donkey Kong $30 and the Government Sucks Tax.

They only have one controller so I stop off at Cash Converters and pick up another control and to my surprise I get see they have Super Nintendo games for like $10 - 15 and their game box is only $55. I’m a fool. So of course the Pawn Shop Superstore does not refund money so I’m stuck paying way too much for this stupid gaming system. I Retard.

I then call a friend and she tells me she’ll give me hers for free cuz she has 2. *sigh* I could’ve saved myself $140. I’m such a fool. IDIOT!

The Moral to this story: Shop around and don’t believe everything people tell you just because they are nice. Boycott the Pawn Shop Superstore (Bunch of Asswipes) cuz they will bend you over and rape you.