The journey between here and there

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you’re organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

I was an only child until I was 12 when my parents adopted 2 boys at my insistence and nagging. Yes, I was spoiled.

I am a great organizer. If I could only keep my house organized I should get a prize. I can organize everyone around me but myself. How dumb is that.

I’ve always wanted to be a radio DJ. I think it would be fun, but I’d want the job that made people do crazy, stupid things for prizes.

Finance: That’s laughable, since I scored below average on the math IQ test. That and I only got 13% on my Math 30 departmental. Sad, but true. I suck at math. Don’t make me add. I stopped learning in Grade 2.

Teaching: Yep, I’d love to be a teacher. It’s one of the things I really love to do. I want to go back to university so I can be one, but I don’t want to teach math. Maybe English, CALM, Phys. Ed. or Social Studies. I wonder if I could teach an elective like Toilet Papering 101. I’m self taught and damn good.

Ministry: Yes, I think it would be great to work for the Red Cross or some sort of organization helping people.

Management: Ya, I’d be a bitch boss. I think it would be fun to lead the employees in sing along in the boardroom and sneak up on them while they were deep in thought only to scare the piss out of them. Heh. I’d make them wear neon green or t-shirts with those funny sayings on them for casual Friday. Person with the funniest t-shirt would get free lunch anywhere they wanted. In order to talk to me they would have to tell me a joke and make me laugh before I would listen to them. Instead of going to the bar after work, I’d make them go to the arcade or internet gaming cafe. Corporate lunches would be at those medieval diners where you have serving wenches and watched joust matches. I’d be cracking the whip and having a great time at their expense… but I’d compensate them for it. So in their minds they’d be weighing: Do I stay with the crazy, creative, quirky boss and enjoy my great pay or get the hell out of this zoo. Those that don’t have a sense of ha-ha would be out. Hmmm… now I’ve gotta think about what kind of business to run. I wonder if Bill Gates is looking to retire?

Self help books huh? I’ve been thinking about that. Mine would be: How to handle crazy mischievous children.

OR: Ya, your life does suck. So what?

Yep, I can hear Pulitzer calling me… lmao.

hmm… that’s quite true. How do they come up with this stuff? Is there someone in a cubicle making all this stuff up?

I couldn’t have ask for a better result!

Your Daddy Is Darth Vader

What You Call Him: Big Daddy Why You Love Him: He takes you to Disneyland

You are dependable, popular, and observant. Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness. In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do. You are unique, creative, and expressive. You don’t mind waving your freak flag every once and a while. And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

I like to wave the freak flag. It’s fun.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” Unknown.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

I just can’t shake it. It won’t go away. I feel like I’m being dragged along life’s highway under a bus being ripped to shreds without the ability to break free. I just want to curl up in a dark hole and disappear forever.

I can’t handle it anymore. I just feel like killing myself. I can’t do it anymore. I’m so depressed. I can’t keep up with the house and 4 kids. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not supermom. I’m not even super. I’m a poor excuse for a mother. I’m pathetic that I can’t even hold it together. They’ve worn me down and I don’t want to fight anymore.

I don’t have a supportive husband. He doesn’t show up until late at night. Leaving me at 5 am home alone with 4 kids until 8, 9, 10, 11pm at night. I just can’t do it. I haven’t been happy for so long. I’ve made so many wrong decisions in my life. I’d never marry Ryan again. I can’t depend on him. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t make me laugh. He only makes me cry or makes me mad. I was warned so many times by so many people and in so many different ways not to marry him. I was stupid. My rose colored glasses were on too thick and too tightly. I thought he would change… What a laugh. I’m stupid. So stupid… When you dance with the devil, he doesn’t change, you do.

I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trapped. Trapped in a world I created for myself. What a piss poor creator I am. My bubble can’t even save me now. I keep getting thrown out of it more often than I would like. My brain feels like it’s going to explode. Maybe I’ll have an aneurysm and die. Now there’s a happy thought.

I can’t shake myself from this miserable mood. I’ve been unhappy my entire life. Do I even know how to be happy? No. Probably not. I have brief, fleeting moments of happiness that disappear as quickly as a snuffed out candle. I have no family to depend on and friends have their own problems to deal with. No one wants to be burdened with mine. I don’t want to burden others with mine. All I do is bitch about my problems, but I can’t find a solution. I’m too stupid to find a solution. I’m never happy with anything I have. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of existing. I just want to die and wither away as the decaying fall leaves.

The only reason I don’t jump in front of a semi is because I feel guilt. Guilt over leaving the kids. Ryan’s an idiot. He wouldn’t be able to take care of them…. then again, maybe he could. Maybe I underestimate him. The kids are not any better off with a mother that is emotionally distant. Yes, granted there are lots that are worse, but they deserve someone better. They are good, sweet kids. I wish Mary Poppins could show up at my door step during the day. I’d make a great weekend mom.

I have nothing for my own. Anything I used to enjoy I don’t anymore. I just don’t care about anything. I’m drowning in a vat of negativity, sadness, heartache and misery. I’m tired. I’m done. I’ve had it. The darkness just won’t leave. I wish it would go away. My head is pounding and I wish it would stop.

I have such hi highs and low lows. Today is a terrible low. I wish I could just stay in my happy high. Ryan always pops my bubble and sends me spiraling downward. Down to the dark abyss that never leaves. It holds its icy dark fingers around my neck, choking the life out of me. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don’t even want to run away and start over. Guaranteed that I’d screw that up too. I just want this pathetic existence to end. Precipitous finis.