The journey between here and there

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” Unknown.

“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?… I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.”
~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

I just can’t shake it. It won’t go away. I feel like I’m being dragged along life’s highway under a bus being ripped to shreds without the ability to break free. I just want to curl up in a dark hole and disappear forever.

I can’t handle it anymore. I just feel like killing myself. I can’t do it anymore. I’m so depressed. I can’t keep up with the house and 4 kids. I can’t do it anymore. I’m not supermom. I’m not even super. I’m a poor excuse for a mother. I’m pathetic that I can’t even hold it together. They’ve worn me down and I don’t want to fight anymore.

I don’t have a supportive husband. He doesn’t show up until late at night. Leaving me at 5 am home alone with 4 kids until 8, 9, 10, 11pm at night. I just can’t do it. I haven’t been happy for so long. I’ve made so many wrong decisions in my life. I’d never marry Ryan again. I can’t depend on him. I don’t trust him. He doesn’t make me laugh. He only makes me cry or makes me mad. I was warned so many times by so many people and in so many different ways not to marry him. I was stupid. My rose colored glasses were on too thick and too tightly. I thought he would change… What a laugh. I’m stupid. So stupid… When you dance with the devil, he doesn’t change, you do.

I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trapped. Trapped in a world I created for myself. What a piss poor creator I am. My bubble can’t even save me now. I keep getting thrown out of it more often than I would like. My brain feels like it’s going to explode. Maybe I’ll have an aneurysm and die. Now there’s a happy thought.

I can’t shake myself from this miserable mood. I’ve been unhappy my entire life. Do I even know how to be happy? No. Probably not. I have brief, fleeting moments of happiness that disappear as quickly as a snuffed out candle. I have no family to depend on and friends have their own problems to deal with. No one wants to be burdened with mine. I don’t want to burden others with mine. All I do is bitch about my problems, but I can’t find a solution. I’m too stupid to find a solution. I’m never happy with anything I have. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of existing. I just want to die and wither away as the decaying fall leaves.

The only reason I don’t jump in front of a semi is because I feel guilt. Guilt over leaving the kids. Ryan’s an idiot. He wouldn’t be able to take care of them…. then again, maybe he could. Maybe I underestimate him. The kids are not any better off with a mother that is emotionally distant. Yes, granted there are lots that are worse, but they deserve someone better. They are good, sweet kids. I wish Mary Poppins could show up at my door step during the day. I’d make a great weekend mom.

I have nothing for my own. Anything I used to enjoy I don’t anymore. I just don’t care about anything. I’m drowning in a vat of negativity, sadness, heartache and misery. I’m tired. I’m done. I’ve had it. The darkness just won’t leave. I wish it would go away. My head is pounding and I wish it would stop.

I have such hi highs and low lows. Today is a terrible low. I wish I could just stay in my happy high. Ryan always pops my bubble and sends me spiraling downward. Down to the dark abyss that never leaves. It holds its icy dark fingers around my neck, choking the life out of me. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don’t even want to run away and start over. Guaranteed that I’d screw that up too. I just want this pathetic existence to end. Precipitous finis.