All alone. attachment #3
When we moved to the new farm shortly after Jumbo died, I was 5.
Every time I got in trouble by my parents I would either get a spanking by hand, or whatever was in their hand or by the belt.
Afterwards I would go to my bedroom crying. My bed was pushed against the wall and I would climb behind the headboard and slide my little body under the bed. I would hide out under my bed and sob uncontrollably until the pain subsided. I hated my parents and wished for a nicer, happier family.
All I remember was the chaos, the yelling, the fighting, the screaming and the constant spankings. Frustrated and fed up by the chaos that entered my life on a daily basis I grabbed a small suitcase from the spare bedroom. I packed it with clothes and some toys. I kept it hidden in the back of my closet, waiting for the opportunity to leave.
That day came while my parents were out doing the farm chores. After being spanked for eating ice cream for breakfast I sat in my room and sulked until I heard them go outside to the barns. I grabbed my suitcase, walked into the woods behind our house and headed for the highway.
I didn’t know where I’d go or what I’d do, but I just had to get away. I was 5 years old and I hated living with my parents. I constantly got spanked and yelled at, usually when I just wanted a hug or some attention. I just wanted someone to tell me that I was loved and show they loved me by not hitting me all the time.
So with my new dog Sandy by my side and Kitty (that was my cat’s name. Original I know.) following behind us, I walked the 1/2 km to the highway. When I got there I stayed in the bushes, sat down and watched the traffic go by. Being that it was northern Alberta in the middle of nowhere there really wasn’t a lot of traffic. There were a few semi trucks, cars and trucks that passed by, but not a lot.
I was tired from walking through the forest. I sat down on a dead log and thought about what I would do next. Where would I go? I didn’t know. The city? I knew I wanted to leave, but where? I thought of flagging down a car and just going where ever they were going… but then what? The idea of hopping into a strangers vehicle also scared me. My mother had threatened and scared me silly by telling me of all the terrible things that would happen to me if I ever got into someones vehicle.
I also worried that if I did run away, would I be happy elsewhere? Who would take care of me? I knew I wasn’t old enough to take care of myself.
I envisioned being in a happy family that did not yell or spank or criticize me. A family that loved me, that had brother’s and sisters I could play with and liked me. I so badly wished that I could be in a different family. There had to be someone out there that would take me in… but what if they did and it was just as bad as what I had right now? What if everyone treated kids like that? Then I’d be no better off. I mulled these thoughts over and over in my head. Stopping the negative thoughts for awhile to think about positive, happy ones daydreaming of a perfect family.
I heard my parents calling me, but I didn’t move. The cat abandoned me, he was hungry and seeing that I didn’t bring anything for him to eat he high tailed it out of there. When Sandy heard my parents calling he too took off. I was all alone.
All alone in this lush green forest. I felt so lonely, unloved and sad. I picked up my suitcase and dragged it over to the little pond across our little dirt road. I sat throwing rocks into the pond watching the ripples they made in the water. The light breeze rustled the leaves of the trees around me. The sun was getting lower in the sky. It’s warm rays fell upon my skin warming me. I felt like it was giving me a big hug. There was not a cloud in the sky. Just the loving bright yellow sun that was turning golden and beginning it’s decent into the horizon.
I sat watching the tadpoles dart in the water and little fish swim along the edge. It was so peaceful out here. No yelling, no screaming. Just peace. I lay back on the dirt and closed my eyes basking in the warm sunlight.
I wished I could fly so I could fly away from here. Soar high above the clouds and go away. Far, far away where no one could find me. I would land in a home that was filled with love for me. Who wanted me, who loved me.
Eventually, I got cold. The sun was well on its way to bed, the sky now turning orange and fiery red. I was tired and I was hungry. I forgot food. I’ll have to remember that for next time, I thought. I picked up my suitcase and went back into the woods. I walked home with dread in my step.
The dry twigs snapped under my feet taunting me as I walked home. ‘You’re not brave. You can’t even run away.’ ‘If you go home, you’re just going to be spanked again.’ This was the only place I knew of.
I stopped as I got to the edge of the garden and stared at our house. The small 700 sq. foot bungalow with yellow siding and brown trim stood about 10 feet away. It never looked so ominous and dark before. It seemed to join the twigs in mocking me. ‘You’re never going to be good enough. You should just stay away.’
I could hear my mother cooking. I sighed knowing that I had to go back inside even though I really didn’t want to go. My grumbly stomach was insisting I hurry up and go in.
I hid my suitcase in the woods behind the house. I’d have to get it tomorrow. They’d know something was up and I’d get in trouble if I brought it in now.
When I walked through the door, my mother turned to me with anger dancing in her eyes.
“Where have you been? I’ve been calling you for over an hour!” anger and hate leeched off her body and surrounded me.
“I was playing by the pond. I didn’t hear you.” I lied.
She raised her hand and hit me across the face. “Next time I call, you need to come home! Do you understand me?”
I cringed from the impact. My eyes welled with tears, “but I didn’t hear you!” I sobbed.
“Stop crying!” she hissed, “Or I’ll really give you something to cry about!” She raised her hand again.
I turned and ran towards my room. Once in the safety of my bedroom I closed the door.
Kitty looked up at me and meowed. He had been waiting for me to return and was happily resting on my bed. I flopped down on my bed and snuggled my cat. “Why did you have to leave me out there?” I asked him. He just meowed and rubbed his head into my hand. I still felt the sting from the slap across my face. I sobbed and hugged my cat. Tears streamed down my face and onto his grey fur coat.
I just wanted to be loved. All I wanted was a hug when I walked through the door, not a slap. Just a hug. I wanted to be told, “Welcome home, I missed you!” Instead all I got was a slap. She hates me I thought. She really hates me. No one loves me. I’m all alone. The only one that loves me is my cat and dog… and even they too abandon me when push comes to shove. I’m alone. All alone.