The journey between here and there

I like the sound of running water and usually let the water run through my hand soothing my nerves. To me, it’s a few minutes of peace I have to myself.

There is nothing more relaxing than washing my face in the evening with warm soapy water. Scrubbing my face gently and getting it all soapy and bubbly, removing all the gunk and grime off my face. I close my eyes as I splash the water on my face to take all the soapiness off my face. For a sublime moment, I am happy.

I reach for the fluffy towel on the rack and wipe my face. Ahh, life is good. I take a deep breath as I gently rub my face and dab the excess water off… and this is where my journey goes to hell.

To my horror I realize that the towel smells like ass! A stinky ass! And now the stinky ass smell is all over my face! I can smell it everywhere! I turn left, I smell ass. I turn right, I smell ass! It won’t go away! Damn! Obviously this towel needs to be washed!

I race to the linen closet, swearing like a sailor and grab another towel then race back to the bathroom. I scrub and scrub and scrub with my facial cleanser frantically trying to get the ass smell off my face.

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… ASS!

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… still a little hint of ass? One more time!

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… Oh thank the Lord for tender mercies… the smell is gone.

I take the fresh towel and press the soft fluffiness in my face. I inhale… Ahhhhh… it smells like Vanilla Fleecy. Mmmmm, that’s what my above moment should have been like. Now I’m pissed because my night time routine that usually calms me down has got me all worked up.

I go looking for the culprit that polluted my towel… “RRRRYYYYAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!”

I don’t have to look very far as he is under the blankets, getting cozy and happily farting away.

“QUIT USING MY TOWEL!”

“Huh?” I get a blank look. He’s oblivious as always.

“You need to quit using my towel! We have separate towels for a reason. I just wiped your ass all over my face cuz you used my towel! We have tonnes of towels! Get your own damn towel and leave mine alone!!!”

“How do you know it’s not your ass you’re smelling?” he retorts.

“Now listen here Mr. Ass man. I KNOW it’s not my ass cuz I have 2 towels, one for my hair and one just for my body. When I wash my face I use my hair towel. Use more damn soap or something! You’re pissn’ me off!”

“Well, I forget to bring my towel in the bathroom, so I just use what’s available and it just happens to be yours,” he says slightly smiling with a look of mischief in his eyes.

OMG! OMFG! I think he does this on PURPOSE in some passive-aggressive manner! That would be soooo like him.

Oh ya! Well, the game is on ass wiper… the game is on… be afraid, be very afraid. Hell hath no wrath like mine.