I’m counting down…
I’m done having kids. I can’t handle anymore. I’m not Mary Poppins and I want to enjoy the 4 I have…
Soooooo with that being said… I’ve got some exciting news:
Ryan’s going IN! I booked the appointment. Yep… “THE APPOINTMENT.” Men everywhere are probably wincing and holding a hand protectively over their crown jewels feeling sympathy pain. Thinking they are thankful it’s not them. January 27, 2006. That’s V-Day.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. It’s a huge decision. I was torn because my children always come to me in a dream before they are born… there is still one last one left. Number 5. It’s a little girl. She’s really sweet…but I just can’t handle anymore kids. My mental state of mind is not healthy. I hate being pregnant. I’m always so sick. I just don’t want to go over the edge. I’m teetering on the brink of a mental breakdown and I’m afraid 5 would push me over. 5 kids would be too much to handle.
Ya, if I had another one, I’d love it and think that I couldn’t live without her. Still where do you draw the line? There has to be some point in which I say. “Ok. Stop! You’re going crazy! You can’t handle anymore. You’re constantly crabby to the ones you have now. ”
I’ve been debating and meaning to book this appointment for over a year. It’s a huge decision! Even while making the call, booking the appointment and then emailing Ryan about the date I felt like crying. This was huge! I felt like I was letting a little spirit out there down…. But really… would she want to have a crazy, wacky mother like me? I don’t have the mental fortitude to do it. I really want to enjoy the kids I have now. To have fun. To enjoy watching them grow. To teach them, to help them learn how to navigate the waters of life.
So unless something earth shattering happens, like Jesus Christ himself appearing to tell me to have one more and that I can handle it, I’m done. Now that a few days have passed I’m really happy about it. I’m starting to get excited!
I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not always going to be snotty noses, whining and crying. I’ve decided to sign up for a cake decorating course in December and go to some scrapbooking late night crops just to get out of the house. I’m toying with the idea of a gym membership to get back in shape… I’m skinny, but I can barely make it up the stairs without collapsing from lack of breath… how pathetic.
I miss the days when I was a fitness instructor. I loved the adrenaline rush and the high I would get from working out. I loved helping people work out. I need the extra energy. It would help in dealing with the craziness of my day.
I’m also toying with getting a job. I would like to be a photographer’s assistant to brush up on my schooling and refresh myself. All these decisions and options are placed before me. It’s making me excited and happy. I just need to get out more. I’ll be a happier, refreshed mommy.
When Laura was around 18 months old I began to work for the Calgary Herald. I was an editorial assistant. It was so much fun! I loved it! I was good at my job. I liked putting the paper to bed and enjoyed working the evening shift. I came back refreshed and happy. I enjoyed being with Laura during the day and Laura had her own daddy time without mommy interference. Of course after a year or so I got knocked up with Josh so I went on maternity leave and never returned. I’m thinking I want to pursue my degree more and delve more into the photography world.
The horizon is looking a lot brighter…. and all it took was one simple phone call.