I’m disgruntled…
This is my little spot where I can feel sorry for myself. Which seriously, I really shouldn’t cuz life is good in comparison to other people’s lives. But whatever. I think I’m hormonal. I’ve cried like 6 times this year. 5 of which have been in the past 4 months. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I usually only cry twice a year. I’m stressed. I have 5 kids crying for attention and needing to be taken care of. I don’t eat properly and I don’t get enough sleep. I take on too many tasks. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. Although I can let go a lot more now than I use to be able to. I feel like failure constantly and I feel like there are things I could do a lot better at. I’m sure I’m a manic-depressive and Ryan calls me a hypocondriac… and maybe I’m that TOO!
I think my hormones are out of whack and they are returning to normal after having the baby 4 months ago. He’s so sweet. I love him to bits. He’s got such cute chubby cheeks, beautiful blue eyes, perfect light red lips and black hair. I’m sure it will turn dark brown or brown just like the other kids. Oh my goodness, I just love him! I feel like squishing him I love him so much. He’s so precious. When I look at him I wish I could just go away to a peaceful, quiet, tranquill place. On a beach with the waves gently lapping the sand. A light breeze quietly rustling the tree leaves. Small clouds drifting across the sky making shapes. The smell of fresh air and earth. Man, I really miss the farm.
When things got too chaotic at home I would always take off to the pond near the end of the driveway. Plop myself down on the grass, lay back with my hands behind my head, close my eyes and listen. I’d hear dragon flies swishing this way and that catching bugs. I would hear stillness and peace. The cattails would rustle by the edge of the pond. The ducks would swim through the water. The swallows would be chirping and the sun would beat down, warming me up. I always felt like the sun was giving me a warm hug.
Wow! That really relaxed me. I should go there in my mind more often and use that to calm me down. I feel like sleeping now. It’s 2am and I’ve been stressed out all day. I need sleep. Good night.