The journey between here and there

Ring….

“Hello”

“Joanne!…”

“Hi Mom”

“We are coming to visit you on Tuesday. Your Aunty is visiting and we are coming to stay at your house over night on Tuesday. We will want dinner as well. Can you make steak? You aunt hasn’t had Alberta steak yet.”

“uhhh… ok?” In my mind I wasn’t on planning to spend a lot on groceries this week, but I guess now my plan has changed. 7 people at $12 - $15 a steak. *sigh*

“… it doesn’t have to be anything fancy, you know.”

“Right.”

“I also want you to take us around to the malls in Calgary, you aunt wants to open her store in Alberta and is trying to find a good location, so I need you to drive us around on Tuesday when we arrive in the afternoon.”

I hate doing this type of driving around especially since my mother doesn’t know how to follow someone and is a horrible driver.

“Well, I can’t cuz the kids are all out of school so I’d have them all day. It would be pure chaos bringing them all to the mall all day. but I’m sure Ryan would LOVE to do that. This way I can have dinner ready for when you get back from scouting location prospects. ”

“ok. We’ll be in Tuesday afternoon. I’ll call you when we’re there.”

*UGH* I quickly call to schedule the cleaners to come on Monday the day before. I look at the huge pile of laundry and the chaos hardwood floors that the kids painted on Sunday with craft paint, the toys dotting the floors, books, blankets, shoes, coats and stuffed animals everywhere.

This is going to be quite the adventure in trying to prep this house for “The Aunt.” Now my aunt is the rich one that owns a bunch of jewelry stores. She has maids, cooks, security guards, nannies and cleaners. She has the best of everything and lives in this gargantuan house.

I look at my walls that are covered in little fingerprints or crayon drawings. The lower windows and walls have baby slobber and baby finger prints all over them. I feel so overwhelmed.

Summing up courage I get out the Mr. Clean magic eraser (my favorite cleaning tool), the rubber gloves and call my middle child to clean off his artwork. I get a rag, wet it then call the 2nd child in the line up and have him scrub all the paint off the hardwood floor in the den. I grab the broom and mop, hand it to my oldest daughter and have her sweep and mop the kitchen. The 3 year old I have her pick up all her toys off the floor and bring them to the toy box. The baby I put down for a nap so he doesn’t interfere in the cleaning process. I begin on the mountain of laundry. It doesn’t go as smoothly as that. Lots of sneaking away, goofing around and the boys whipping each other with the cloth while they clean.

I’m in panic mode for the next 4 days trying to run around and get everything clean, tidy, put away, organized and trying to convince the kids not to trash the house once it’s clean.

Tuesday afternoon 1:30pm rolls around and I’m about to head out to the grocery store to pick up some last minute stuff. The steaks have been marinating since Monday and they were rib steaks and new york sirloin. So yummy. I decide to call my mother to find out where they are.

“Hi mom, where are ya? Are you close to Calgary?”

“Oh we changed our plans. Ya sorry, I forgot to tell you. We’re in Jasper right now.”

“Oh…. So are you still coming over?’

“Well, how late can you eat dinner?”

“Well, whenever you get here I guess… what time were you thinking?”

“Well, we still want to go to Banff and Lake Louise…. so we’ll be there late I think.”

“Ok, no problem. Let me know when you’re heading in”

I sit and think about it… there’s no way they are going to be able to make it for dinner if they are still in Banff… so I call back.

Me: “Hi! I really don’t think you’ll make it for dinner. It will be so late.”

Mom:”Ya, we’ll just sleep there tonite. Don’t worry about dinner. Sorry, just put the steaks in the freezer and you can eat them at a later date.”

*sigh* figures.

Three hours later she calls back.

Mom: “Hi! We’re going to stay over night in Banff because we want to go on the Gondola ride and look around more. So we’ll meet you in Calgary tomorrow so you can take us around.”

Me: “Well, Mom, I told you I have a meeting tomorrow morning and I won’t be out until the afternoon and I have all the kids. It’s easter break. Ryan is in a course all day so he won’t be able to drive you around.”

Mom:”ok… fine then we’ll just try to drive ourselves around and get lost.”

*sigh* This is why I can only handle my mother once every couple of years. She’s such a drama queen… now I know where I get it from.

Me: “I’ll see what I can do. ”

I kick back and relax cuz now I don’t have to worry about dinner or the house. Ya, I bought stuff I normally wouldn’t have and have a bunch of food, but oh well. I’ll just have friends over or something.

An hour later the phone rings. It’s 5:30pm.

Mom: “Hi! We’re coming over now. The prices in Banff are waaay to expensive for your Grandma and I. $225 a night to stay here. Can you believe it?

Me: “Well, it is Banff mom. It’s what they charge, you’re also getting a hotel last minute.”

Mom: “Well, we don’t want to pay that much for a hotel so we’re coming there to stay at your house…. oh and we’re really hungry to so have dinner ready for us. We’ll be there in an hour.”

Me: “What about Aunty? Doesn’t she want to stay there?”

Mom: “No, she said it’s better to see you and spend time with you instead and see your house.”

ACK!!!!!!!!!! My stress levels increases 99%.

I had just kicked back and hadn’t done anything because they said they were not coming. I freaked. I tried to call Ryan to get him to come home but he wasn’t answering my phone calls. Shocker. He never does. I tried calling him from 4pm - 7:45pm. Nothing. Now I was getting pissed because he’s the BBQ’er and makes the steaks. I’ve never mastered the art of the barbecue because it was always his job. As the hours passed, I kept trying to call him and he didn’t answer. I got more furious by the minute.

He finally comes home about half an hour before my mother. I have a baby crying on my leg, the boys fighting and Mya whining at me. I flipped out. My mother arrives and Ryan makes the steaks. He burns them. I was now even more mad. These were $12-15 steaks each. Usually he’s really good, but for some reason he left his head up his ass and forgot how to BBQ.

As we eat dinner Brandon drops his milk all over the floor. I tell him to go get a towel and wipe it up. My Aunt’s eyebrows shoot up and she says, “he does that?” She’s so used to her maids or nanny’s jumping up to clean things up. She was shocked by the kids doing chores like dishes, sweeping and cleaning up after dinner. Yes, Auntie this is how the common folk do it.

Then my Aunt starts going through her luggage bring out all her souvenir’s she brought for us from the Philippines. She gives Ryan a traditional shirt and he graciously accepts it, puts it on and keeps it on all night long. Suck up. He gushes on about it and wears it around the next day too. This is why my mom and relatives love him. He’s such a total suck up.

I show my Aunt around the house and I can tell she’s not impressed. It’s not like her huge castle she lives in. When it’s time for bed, I show her to our bedroom and tell her this is where she would sleep. Ryan and I would bunk down with the kids. She refused. She didn’t want to sleep in our bedroom because it didn’t have a fire place and she wanted to sleep in front of the fire place. *sigh* So I quickly ran over to a friends house and borrowed her blow up bed and put it in the den where the fireplace was.

I tell my mom that the next day I have a meeting in the morning and I have to be there by 9:30am so I have to leave by 9am. The next morning I’m up at 7am to get up and get ready so I’m already to go to work. I quickly run to the grocery store to pick up a few items for breakfast. I’m back by 8:15am.

I make breakfast. Saskatoon berry pancakes with hot maple syrup, whipping cream with a homemade blueberry sauce. Bacon, scrambled eggs with ham, peppers, tomatoes, chives and cheese. Fruit salad with whipping cream and freshly squeezed OJ. I love making breakfast and I have great recipes for it. The breakfast was sooo yummy. I was all pumped cuz I was able to make it all within 30min. Everything was perfect. It looked and tasted delicious.

I dish out a plate for my aunt. She looks at it and crinkles her nose and says, “oh I’m not hungry. No thank you.”

I just stared at her and didn’t say anything. I pasted on my fake smile and offered my grandma a plate. She looks at me and says, “oh, I don’t need all this fancy stuff for breakfast. I just want some coffee and toast. You don’t need to go through so much trouble. No, I don’t need this. Just feed it to your kids.”

I went to go find my mom and uncle. She is getting into her truck.

“Mom, what are you doing?” I ask.

“Oh, I’m just going to gas up the truck.” I’ll be right back.

“What about breakfast? I made breakfast for you?”

“I don’t need breakfast. I’ll just have a little when I get back.” She says out the window as she drives off.

*sigh* I was ready to scream.

I dish out plates for all the kids who are lovin’ every bit of it. I was still so annoyed.

Finally I blurt out.
“ok Grandma and Auntie. I insist you eat. I made all this food. It’s really good. If I would have known you didn’t want breakfast I wouldn’t have made all this food. I made this for you guys. My kids would have been fine to have eaten cereal. I have a huge day ahead of me as well and I’ve been cooking for the last 30 min. Sit down and eat something or all this food will go to waste.”

So reluctantly my Grandma and Aunt grab a plate and eat.
Geez.

My mind is racing. I wait for my mom to get gas, because I live 5 houses down from the gas station. It’s just down the street. 5 min. It’s 8:40am they should be back by 8:45am. They can sit and eat for 15min. Then they can all leave. I can drop off the kids at the babysitters and still be on time for my meeting and just give directions to my mother on how to make it to the mall they want to go to. I wait. I wait and I wait.

8:45am

8:50am

I begin to get the kids ready to go out the door. Shoes, coats, snacks, books, bottle, diapers, wipes. We are ready.

8:55am

9:00am

I hate waiting. My biggest pet peeve is waiting for someone. I just don’t have the patience for it.

Finally I call my mom.
“Mom where are you! You were suppose to be 5 min. I have to leave for work now and you still haven’t eaten.”

“Oh we are in the line up for the car wash. I wanted to get a truck wash.” She says.

I almost collapse.

“What!?! Your truck wasn’t dirty! It looked clean to me! It wasn’t dirty at all! Why would you wash a clean truck?!? Are you almost in the car wash?”

“Yep, we’re next.”

I bite my tongue so I don’t start yelling and freak out. I grit my teeth and take a deep breath.

“Mom, I told you I had to leave at 9am. ”

“Ya, we’ll be there, just 5 minutes.” She replies totally ignoring me.

“Please hurry.”

So I wait.

9:05am

9:10am

9:15am

I call my boss and apologize, explain the situation and tell her I won’t be there until probably 10am. She is understanding and awesome as always, but I’m pissed.

Finally my mother comes back. Then she says, “oh wow! Look at that wonderful breakfast you made. I have to have some of this! You are such a great cook.” Then she and my uncle sit down to eat.

ACK!!!!!!!!

This is why I can only handle my mother for a day. She drives me nuts. She’s just so oblivious to anyone else. Finally at 9:35am we are ready to go.

I drive ahead so she can follow me out of town. Not that it’s hard, she just freaks out about having to go around an overpass. I call her to give her directions to the mall. I have to hold on while she drops her phone, then tries to find a pen, then gives the phone over to my Aunt, to which I insist on talking to my mother and just tell my mom to tell my aunt to write the directions down. *sigh* I look in the rear view mirror and mom’s truck is swerving all over the lane as she is trying to answer the phone and talk. GAH!

Thankfully I get them on their way and make it to my meeting. I’m all stressed and frazzled. I hate it when my mother comes to see me. I think I’m good for another couple of years. There’s a reason I moved as far away as I could without leaving the country.

Kick ASS! Go see it! It will rock your socks off. I loved it. I loved the explosions, the boom, bang, bing, bop, blam, blood, fire, more booming, fists flying, smashing, buildings breaking, bombs, guns and rat-ta-ta-tat of the machine guns… Golly! So, so, so fabulous. Edward Norton does a wonderful job portraying the Hulk and I love Liv Tyler. I just love her lips. They are so kissable and full. It was just a fun, action packed, summer popcorn mind numbing flick which is what I needed.

Ryan wanted to take Josh out and I was like, ‘I’ve had the day from HELL and I need to go out! There’s NO WAY I’m staying behind.” So I grabbed a sitter, took Laura and we headed off on our strange night. I don’t know why everywhere I go, things just always seem to happen. I think chaos just follows me.

So we get in the van and a bottle of Luke’s must be slowly rotting somewhere cuz it smelled like rotting meat carcass mixed with sour milk. So disgusting. We had to take the freakn’ van cuz Ryan was picking up the new lawnmower, which I hope will mean he’ll mow the law more than 2 times a year. Right now our lawn is as tall as our 23 month old terror Luke. So we roll down the windows cuz we don’t have time to find the source of this horrid smell cuz we’ve only got 40 min. till the store closes with a 25 min drive ahead of us. Off we go driving around like dogs sticking our heads out the window for fresh air.

We pick up the lawnmower which takes up 1/2 the van, then head over to Chinook Centre to see a movie. We were trying to decide on what we would see: Iron Man, The Hulk, Prince Caspian: Narnia part 2 or Indiana Jones. Now I’ve already Seen IJ and it’s ok, but not one I’d pay to see again. Ryan had already seen Iron Man and I’m not all that interested in paying to see Narnia Part 2. I’ll wait till I can see it for free at my theatre. So I convinced everyone of the wonderfulness of The Incredible Hulk.

We grabbed our tickets which we got for free, cuz I’ve always got the hook up on free stuff. Ryan and I split up. He did bathroom runs with Josh and grabbed the treats. Laura and I went to stand in line and grab seats. We walk towards a huge line up, this is an hour before the show starts.

Laura looks at the people waiting and snarks, “geez, look at them standing there waiting for their movie. That sucks. What are they waiting for?”

“Well, we get to be the lucky ones that are at the very END of this long, long line up. They are here to see our movie.”
“Oh. All of them?”
“Ya, except for about 20 of those guys cuz they are just there because they think standing in lines are fun. So they just go from line up to line up standing in line just for fun. You should try it some time… oh wait… here’s your big chance… can you feel the excitement?”
She just gives me the “mom you’re a dork” look and laughs.

We stand in front of these 2 guys who instantly start including us in their conversations and butting into our conversations. They were hilarious and the one guy was cute so I tolerated it and played along. It was a blast and we had a great time talking and joking around.

A snippet of their conversation.
Cute guy to his chubby friend. Dead panning this line: ok, this time you are not allowed to hold my hand. I know you were really freaked out when we went to see Iron Man, but you have to stop grabbing my hand. I’ve had enough.

Chubs. Without missing a beat retorts in a deadpan voice: Well, I’ll try not to but I might not be able to resist if it gets a little scary. Maybe I can just hold your hand for the first 1/2?

They bantered in this way back and for forth a good 5 minutes and Laura and I were just dying laughing.

They start making fun of all the girls lined up to see ‘Sex and the City’ and how men who go to see that show is just a bunch of pansies. I laughed and said, ‘no, they are not, they are just whipped and they hope that if they see that chick flick then their girl will be all happy and they’ll get some tail later that night.’

The conversation was flowing great until Ryan showed up, then they just turned around and didn’t say much after that. Geez, seriously, what’s wrong with guys? Why do they do that? It’s stupid.

It drives me crazy to have to stand in line for so long without being entertained, so I went to exchange the Nibs for Peanut M&M’s. Ryan was retarded and had another brain freeze moment when got me Nibs. I specifically asked for Peanut M&M’s. I just looked at him and shook my head. He’s known me now for 15 years and he knows I HATE Nibs. I think they are the grossest candy ever and I won’t even touch them. I swear, he never pays attention to me. He’s so oblivious to me. The fact that he can walk upright amazes me some days.

Now before I left I gave Ryan specific instructions.
“Ok, now if I don’t get back before the movie gets in, make sure you get good seats. You know where I like to sit, so please make sure you get as close to there as possible.”

I usually like to sit around middle or 7 rows up from the 2nd section. This way you get the big screen, but it’s not too big where you’re craning your neck and it’s not too far away where you just feel like you’re at home with a bunch of people in your house.

So, after making sure he heard me and understood what I said off I went to go stand in another line, but this time I had a TV to watch.

I make the exchange then go back. The movie is JUST letting everyone in. Dang. So now I have to wait for everyone to go in cuz they won’t let you butt in line even though you were with someone. The theatre is packed by the time I get in, but I know we would have gotten good seats cuz we were about 30 back and this theatre sat around 190. So I look, I look and I look. Finally after looking in the section they SHOULD be in I begin to think maybe I’m in the wrong theatre because I know he understood my specific instructions. So I walk out to check my theatre number with my ticket. Nope, it’s right. *sigh* I call Ryan.

’so, where are ya?’ I ask.
‘oh, ya. We’re at the very top. 2nd from the top by the left stairs.’
So I think to myself maybe it was packed and we were further back than I originally thought.
After the long trek to the back of the theatre I look at him and glare.
‘What’s with the seats? You know I hate sitting back here!” I hiss.
‘Well, we were sitting where we normally sit, but then Laura wanted to sit up at the back. So we moved.”
ACK!
I just look at Laura and she gives me her biggest grin.
“The best seats are at the back mom.” She chimes in. “Oh ya and the guy you’re sitting beside has got like an afro.” Then she laughs.
I just look at Ryan and say, “Ya know. You CAN say, ‘no’ to them. I hate sitting back here.”
He just shrugs and begins to babble an explanation but I stopped listening and survey the damage from the nose bleed section.

My mind wanders to the comment Laura made about the afro guy and I thought, ‘he better not be an ass cuz I’ll be even more annoyed. Laura is sitting on the outside, then Ryan, then Josh, then me and next to me the empty seat which supposedly ‘afro man sits in.

All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see Nacho Libre come walking up the stares. He’s got a baggy white stained, dirty shirt with black dirty sweat pants covering his obese body. His hair is 1 foot in the air, unkempt, unwashed, with curls bouncing all over like they are trying to bounce off his head to escape from the grossness. Now when I say Nacho Libre I’m not kidding. He was a spitting image of Jack Black in that movie.

To my shock and horror he comes bumbling down our row. He sits down beside me in one big flump. He immediately takes up the arm rest and puts his bottle of coke in the holder. One second after that the smell hits me. He smelled like he had played in a pig pen then didn’t take a bath for a month. BO, sweat, stinky feet all came racing up my nostrils. I looked at Ryan and if looks could kill he was being stabbed by a million daggers. Laura starts laughing and Josh smirks.

I shake my head and hiss over at him, ‘you just had to move didn’t you?’
He gives me this deer in headlights look just oblivious to anything. He is happily munching away on his popcorn and sucking back his pop in sheer heaven. I feel like dumping it all on his head just to wipe off that satisfied grin on his face.

I sit closer to Josh and have recoiled my body into 1/2 the seat as far away from the Nacho Libre as possible. The smell is so unbearable that my eyes soon begin to water and I put my hand up to my face. I skooch over even closer to Josh with 1/2 my ass hanging off my seat. The lights go down and the previews start. Nacho is happily eating his popcorn very loudly and forgets to close his mouth as he chews. After every preview he does this weird laugh snort and says to himself in a crackled high pitched voice. ‘Oh ya, I’ll see that.’ or he just laughs in this chicken like squawk.

I hate when people talk in movies. HATE IT. Even the rustle of popcorn bags annoys me. I turn to glare at Ryan again. I lean over and hiss, “my eyes are watering he stinks so bad!”
“Oh, gee… Sorry hon. Do you want to switch seats? I’ll sit there I don’t mind.” Ryan offers. I should have taken him up on the offer.
“No! I just wished you would have stayed at the seats you originally had!” I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want the dude to feel bad about people getting up to move away from him. I was beginning to think he was special needs or an IOP (Idiot on Patrol) or something.

5 minutes into the movie with me partially holding my breath and practically sitting on Josh, Nacho takes out his bag of Twizzlers. ‘rustle, rustle, rustle.’ goes his plastic bag.
‘mmmm…’ Nacho says to himself. Then like a dog he takes the Twizzler and eats it like a bone while making these growling noises as he eats it. He would put the twizzler in his mouth length wise and shake it. Then growl as he devoured the twizzler. People behind me are snickering and I begin to look around to see if there is a hidden camera around that I’m not aware of. This is just too much.

Another 5 minutes pass and he grabs his bottle of coke and takes a swig. “BUURRRP.” OMFG! I’m gonna kill this guy. I turn to look at him, but he is just oblivious and happily digging into this popcorn bag. ‘Crunch, crunch, crinkle, crinkle, mmmmm… mmmm…’

I was losing my mind. Then he starts to talk and make comments about the movie.
‘Oh that’s funny.’ He’d say in a his squeaky thinly high chicken like voice. ‘Oh good one!’ ‘ Hahaahaha, it’s right there.’ ‘uh oh, look out.’ ‘ooohhh now that’s a big gun.’ munch, munch, munch, grrrr… grrrr….’

My seat is shaking a bit and I look down. Both of his legs are shaking up and down really fast. I was just shaking my head. He must have some sort of mental issue cuz this guy was a total head case.

I try to concentrate on the movie and finally 1/2 way through his movie he is finished his twizzlers so the crinkling of the twizzler bag stops. Unfortunately it took him the entire movie to finishes his popcorn and coke. He burped happily each time he took a drink. I seriously felt like slapping him. It took a lot of will power not to lash out and hiss, ‘BE QUIET! STOP! JUST STOP & BE QUIET!!!!” *ugh*

So even though I had Nacho Libre sitting beside me and distracting me from the movie, I still thought that the movie had great action, special effects and a good storyline. I loved the cameo’s from Stan Lee and the original Hulk, Bill Bixby.

Wow. March we hit +20 for a few weeks. In April it snowed lots. May and June it has just been pouring rain. What crazy weather. So, I decided instead of complaining about it, to make the most of it. If God’s gonna make it rain, I might as well plant something so I don’t have to water it. Then maybe it will live. I went out and decided to buy some trees. I headed over to the little nursery by our place and picked up a few things.

I feel sorry for the guy who had to deal with me for an hour while I wandered around the nursery. I kept changing my mind on what kind of tree I wanted and wandered all over their entire tree nursery. He had a lot of patience. The owner even came over and tried to help, but soon his eyes glazed over, he put on a fake smile, looked at the guy helping me and said, “good luck.” hehehe… That amuses me greatly. So after an hour of indecisiveness, changing my mind about 20 times and putting things back I picked out already I finally decided on what I wanted. I needed a hardy tree that is low maintenance.

I got an oak tree, cuz I’ve always wanted one, and a white lilac tree, cuz I love lilacs. I got more rhubarb, cuz I’m just going to plant them all along the side of my house…. I can tell that the gas the boys played with on the side of the house has still killed vegetation there, so I’m hoping if I plant around it the rhubarb leaves will just grow over it anyway. I got some chives for my little garden patch out front. Pick out a pink bleeding heart, cuz I love those too and I’ve always wanted to own one. I also picked up a little pink ground cover flowering thingy just cuz I thought it would look snazzy growing under the good ole’ oak.

Feeling all accomplished with myself, they tossed the trees in my van up the middle of it. Luke and Mya pull off all the leaves they could reach on the way home. Poor tree. So I got home and in between the rain showers I began to dig my old Laurel Leaf Willow tree out, that I thought died. BUT once I called the Garden centre and talk to the arborist about it, there maybe a slim change that it may live. I figure I’ll plant it in the backyard to assure it’s death.

So I grab the shovel and begin digging. It’s not too bad cuz the ground is pretty soggy from all the rain, but the grass is so hard to get through. I dig one hole and then hit clay! GAH! Maybe that’s why my other tree failed to take root. I called the arborist and she talked me through the process of getting zeolite to add to the clay and dirt in order to make liveable conditions for my tree. I love Golden Acres. I really should just drive the hour and go there to buy my trees cuz they know what they are talking about. They may have hirer prices, but at least I get a guarantee on my tree in case it dies. Ah well…

So I’ve gotten a huge hole dug cuz I figure I’m gonna make an amoeba type shape, then plant other perennials and make it look all shabam. Digging is hard work. A lot harder than I anticipated. Especially digging through clay. I gave up digging the one hole then decided to start another one for my other tree. I stopped for awhile since it started to rain. I looked at the mess of my front yard and laughed. There was dirt, sod and holes all over. hehe… part of me wanted to leave it like this just so I could maybe get a rise out of Ryan, but I wanted to get my trees planted.

I planted my oak, my bleeding heart and pink thingy. I still have to plant the lilac, rhubarb and replant the willow in the backyard… I’m beginning to think I’m going to make my beast of burden dig my holes for me… aka. Ryan. I think he needs a job after work… digging holes for me is a good one.

.

I’m so furious. I had assigned a member of the SB committee to ask the mini donut lady if she would do mini donuts at our breakfast. That assignment was given in March when I found out we had to throw this event and that the Stake wanted me in charge. So, I asked. I waited. I asked, I waited. Finally, I got sick of waiting and asking for the committee member to do his job I just did it myself. Low and behold, they are unavailable because the Stake booked her for their July 1st Canada day event and she is already booked somewhere else for our date. *ARG*

THIS is the very reason why I hate giving up control and WHY I just do everything myself. People are always amazed by the activities I plan, how well it goes, then they are shocked to find out I do everything and delegate very little. The reason why is because when I do delegate it, things rarely get done. Or if they do get done, it’s 1/2 assed. People just don’t seem to have an pride in what they do or take ownership for the projects they undertake.

I dunno. Maybe the majority of the world is just a bunch of 1/2 assers who don’t seem to mind that they suck and they are incompetent.

GAH! I feel like punching something. I need to take up boxing or something to vent out all my frustration and anger. I need to go on a run. I’m so pissed. I hate when I don’t get what I want. I hate giving up control. Next year if I have to put this crazy thing on again, I’m doing it all myself and only delegating things that I don’t care if they get done or if they are done 1/2 assed.

For appearing in public on my birthday! Whoo hooo! Happy Birthday to me on March 2!… Belated, since I just found these pics, but seeing Tom out in public just makes me happy.

Feb 2008 Man, they have a lot of dogs. Instead of kids they have dogs. This is just one image, but there’s a whole slew of them with 3 different dogs.

AND for showing up in public in NY in a TUX while I was in Vegas on May 5th! You’ve made my day! WoW! I just can’t get over how drool worthy and perfect he looks.

He looks stunning. Simply stunning.

I love, love, love his eyes. He’s just mesmerizing. I’m all happy now. Doesn’t take much. Just flash Tom out and about in public and I’m good… I’m a happy girl.

I just don’t know how he just doesn’t stare at himself all day. He makes me speechless…..

Thank you Tom! Thank you! Thank you for attending this event! I hope you had a marvelous time!

I feel like I’m drowning without a life line and nothing to hold on to. I need to figure out how to swim and I don’t even know where to begin. The thing is, no one can help me. It’s something I have to do for myself and figure out on my own. At this point, nothing is piercing the darkness and there is no ray of hope.

No one understands. They think they do, but they don’t. This rabbit hole is a deep dark one and they only see the sunny, happy, bubbly side. No one can handle the darkness and I’m tired of trying to explain, so it’s easier to put on the mask for the world.

Today has been a rough day and I just feel displaced and detached. We just found out today that our ward is being split. I loved our ward. It was amazing. Such a wonderful, friendly, loving, down to earth, fun, humble group….and they cut us up. Our Bishop was finally released after 7 years, 3 months and 15 days of service. I am so happy for him, yet also saddened. I never expected this. Well, I guess I did, but deep down I hoped that it wouldn’t happen. When I was promoting the survivor activity I told everyone that this might be our very last activity and that this would be the last time we would all be together, so they should come and hang out even if they didn’t want to play. We had a big turn out. It was a great success. I also told the Bishop before all this was going down that if he goes I go…. and sure enough, I lost my calling. I was upset about the new ward we would be in, but once I looked at the boundaries, I got excited. My close friends are also moving to the new ward and I know lots of people in the new ward.

After the meeting, people came up to me sad that I was leaving their ward and people in the new ward were pumped that I was moving there. They were already filling my new Bishop’s head with ideas for my new calling. Sheesh. I’m just not gonna answer my phone this week.

I don’t know why I was crying so hard. Everything is just combining and I’ve cried more today than I have in the past year. All the stress was piling up and it just came out. That was the straw that broke the camels back. Normally, I wouldn’t care and would’ve just made stupid remarks and laughed about it all. This time the tears flowed. Not really over the split, but just life in general.

Life. It’s good and it also blows goats. I’ve got huge decisions before me, they are daunting and causing me a lot of stress. I don’t want to make the same mistake others have made. I’m really trying to look within myself to find the answer. I’m going to people who have experienced and have gone through this, finding out how things have effected their life. If they had a do over would they do it again. I’m trying to be honest with myself and just take a step back to observe my life and my attitude. I’ve got a good thing, I’d be stupid not to say that I don’t, but I want more. Am I being selfish and self centered? Or do I just suck it up, throw the mask back on until I start believing everything is great? Lose another 10 + years of my life in silent misery or just make a change? Do I have the courage? What’s the plan? I need A,B and C. What is the loss? What is the gain? Is the loss worth the gain? Or is it all just selfishness and stupidity?

I hate crying and rarely cry unless it’s something huge. Lately, I just feel like I’m going to burst into tears all the time. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m trying to decide what path to take and I’m horrible at making decisions. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or will I be hurting myself more? *sigh* I just don’t know. I just think I’ve always made wrong decisions in my life. I feel like I’ve never made the right choices and that I’ve failed at everything. I cause chaos where ever I go. I need to stabilize myself. I just don’t know how to do it.

On a funny note, I wore my tight long cream skirt to church today. It has a slit up to my knee and hugs my body. It’s cute and I get compliments every time I wear it. A lady I know came up to me and slaps me on the ass and says, ‘Hi! How are you!’. I tell her I’m a little sad with all the changes and she says something else then slaps my ass again. I just look at her and raise my eye brows. We talk for a bit more, then she says, ‘ok, gotta go.’ Then slaps my ass again.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask. “What’s up with constantly slapping my ass?”
“Your butt just looks so sexy in that dress, I just can’t resist touching it.” She says as she leaves.
WTF! Seriously. I laughed, she’s hilarious and I think she’s a riot, but geez. Hands off.