I’m drowning…
I feel like I’m drowning without a life line and nothing to hold on to. I need to figure out how to swim and I don’t even know where to begin. The thing is, no one can help me. It’s something I have to do for myself and figure out on my own. At this point, nothing is piercing the darkness and there is no ray of hope.
No one understands. They think they do, but they don’t. This rabbit hole is a deep dark one and they only see the sunny, happy, bubbly side. No one can handle the darkness and I’m tired of trying to explain, so it’s easier to put on the mask for the world.
Today has been a rough day and I just feel displaced and detached. We just found out today that our ward is being split. I loved our ward. It was amazing. Such a wonderful, friendly, loving, down to earth, fun, humble group….and they cut us up. Our Bishop was finally released after 7 years, 3 months and 15 days of service. I am so happy for him, yet also saddened. I never expected this. Well, I guess I did, but deep down I hoped that it wouldn’t happen. When I was promoting the survivor activity I told everyone that this might be our very last activity and that this would be the last time we would all be together, so they should come and hang out even if they didn’t want to play. We had a big turn out. It was a great success. I also told the Bishop before all this was going down that if he goes I go…. and sure enough, I lost my calling. I was upset about the new ward we would be in, but once I looked at the boundaries, I got excited. My close friends are also moving to the new ward and I know lots of people in the new ward.
After the meeting, people came up to me sad that I was leaving their ward and people in the new ward were pumped that I was moving there. They were already filling my new Bishop’s head with ideas for my new calling. Sheesh. I’m just not gonna answer my phone this week.
I don’t know why I was crying so hard. Everything is just combining and I’ve cried more today than I have in the past year. All the stress was piling up and it just came out. That was the straw that broke the camels back. Normally, I wouldn’t care and would’ve just made stupid remarks and laughed about it all. This time the tears flowed. Not really over the split, but just life in general.
Life. It’s good and it also blows goats. I’ve got huge decisions before me, they are daunting and causing me a lot of stress. I don’t want to make the same mistake others have made. I’m really trying to look within myself to find the answer. I’m going to people who have experienced and have gone through this, finding out how things have effected their life. If they had a do over would they do it again. I’m trying to be honest with myself and just take a step back to observe my life and my attitude. I’ve got a good thing, I’d be stupid not to say that I don’t, but I want more. Am I being selfish and self centered? Or do I just suck it up, throw the mask back on until I start believing everything is great? Lose another 10 + years of my life in silent misery or just make a change? Do I have the courage? What’s the plan? I need A,B and C. What is the loss? What is the gain? Is the loss worth the gain? Or is it all just selfishness and stupidity?
I hate crying and rarely cry unless it’s something huge. Lately, I just feel like I’m going to burst into tears all the time. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m trying to decide what path to take and I’m horrible at making decisions. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Or will I be hurting myself more? *sigh* I just don’t know. I just think I’ve always made wrong decisions in my life. I feel like I’ve never made the right choices and that I’ve failed at everything. I cause chaos where ever I go. I need to stabilize myself. I just don’t know how to do it.
On a funny note, I wore my tight long cream skirt to church today. It has a slit up to my knee and hugs my body. It’s cute and I get compliments every time I wear it. A lady I know came up to me and slaps me on the ass and says, ‘Hi! How are you!’. I tell her I’m a little sad with all the changes and she says something else then slaps my ass again. I just look at her and raise my eye brows. We talk for a bit more, then she says, ‘ok, gotta go.’ Then slaps my ass again.
“What the hell are you doing?” I ask. “What’s up with constantly slapping my ass?”
“Your butt just looks so sexy in that dress, I just can’t resist touching it.” She says as she leaves.
WTF! Seriously. I laughed, she’s hilarious and I think she’s a riot, but geez. Hands off.
