The journey between here and there

When I do cold calls and walk into a store, I ask for the manager.

If the manager is a male I’m pumped.

If it’s an older female I’m pumped.

If the manager comes towards me and she takes up the entire isle and her one arm is as big as all of me I get scared.

Especially because she sees me waiting and I see her eyes narrow. I begin to get really scared.

As she comes closer “the look” passes across her face of “ooohhh look at that skinny b*tch. What does she want?” She is scanning me up and down. I’m sure she’s trying to see if she can eat me for lunch.

It’s seriously scary for me and very intimidating to go up to a woman who is ‘large and in charge like a hippo.’ I try to be as sweet and professional as I can, but they usually just snarl at me and peer at me with hate shooting from their beady eyes. I do my pitch, then make a hasty retreat always wishing I didn’t wear something as body hugging or as cute.

I know for sure that she won’t be calling me.

Next time I think I’m just going to carry around a small bag of mini cookies so that I can throw some cookies at her to distract her as I quickly retreat.

hehehe….I just got a visual of that…. I’m so mean.

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.”

I’ve been mulling over this one for quite sometime. I can’t make up my mind about it. I’m truly torn on whether or not I agree with it or not.

Once a year I get a craving for Joey’s Only Fish and Seafood. I go, I get the fish and chips and then I’m good for a year. The fat content just sickens me. I just feel so yucky and icky right now. Bleeh! I just want to throw up because I just feel the lard and grease. Ick! Ick! Ick. I always do this once a year because I forget how gross it makes me feel and I just love the tar tar sauce. I should just make my own fish and chips. I have a great recipe for F&C and tar tar sauce… just have to organize my recipe collection so I can find it.

I gotta go do my run so I don’t feel so full of goopy fat…seriously… how do people eat fast food and crap like this day in and day out?

Geez… is there a full moon out today? It seemed like every guy I talked to today was a total grumpy pants. I’m going to brand today International Men’s PMS day in honor of all the grumps out there.

Josh: “Ewwww…. Luke’s butt threw up in his diaper.”

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Mya: I don’t like it when people call me a princess.
Me: Why not?
Mya:(glaring and upset) Because I’m not a princess! I’m a Mya!

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Josh: Do you think we can sell Brandon in a garage sale? We’d make a lot of money and then I can buy new toys!

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Mya: Josh can you fix my fishing rod?
Brandon: Why can’t I fix your fishing rod Mya?
Mya: (in a very matter of fact voice): Because you’re not awesome. Josh is awesome and you’re just not awesome.

**Good grief! I don’t know where she gets that craziness from. The things that come from her mouth are so shocking sometimes. I gave her trouble for that, because I’m sure it hurt Brandon’s feelings.***

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Estimated time of arrival: 2:00pm
Actual time of arrival: 7:30pm

We went camping in High River this weekend and although it was short, I always find these good indicators of what we need to be aware of.

1. The boys did not pack a coat or a sweater so in the evening they were a bit chilly
2. We need to buy more sleeping bags. I could only find 3. Somehow 2 others have magically disappeared.
3. We need to buy flashlights and a new lamp.
4. We need to buy air mattresses that don’t need to be pumped up. The ones that you just hook up to your car and boom, badda, bing they inflate within 3 min.
5. Make sure to pack sandals and running shoes for each of the kids and to pack 2 pairs of shoes for Luke.

This was a ward camp and I do feel sorry for the people who were by our tent. My kids decided to pretend to be werewolves and howl for an hour from 10pm - 11pm. They got all the other kids from the other tents to howl along with them.

Our dinner was delicious! I picked up some wild salmon with dill, lemon, fresh ground salt & pepper. New york steak, whipped potato boats with cheese, wild rice and corn. It was very yummy. I loved having salmon cooked over a fire. It was amazing! Same with the steak. The flavors were delicious!

The camp fire part just had a few skits, no singing and no s’mores, just roasting marshmallows. When I was trying to put the 4 kids to bed Luke kept escaping from the tent and racing off into the dark. I’d have to run out and go find him. This happened 6 times. I wasn’t impressed towards the end. It’s hard to find a 2 year old in the dark.

I left at 11pm with Luke cuz we didn’t have enough sleeping bags and we didn’t bring the air mattresses, since it was only 15 min from home, Luke and I slept in a nice comfy bed instead of on the ground in a tent. Ryan stayed with the kids. He had a blast howling with them and playing with them in the tent. Really, truly… He’s a great dad.

In the morning I quickly prepped the scavenger hunt then went back for breakfast at 8:30am. I ran around hiding all the clues. My children were following me and pulling the clues out and giving them back to me. I freaked, sent them off to play and uttered threats so they wouldn’t take anymore out. I then had to reposition the ones they took out.

After breakfast the kids did the scavenger/treasure hunt and I entertained the adult group with stories of the kids. Everyone was in agreement that I needed Nanny 911.

We packed up then went home. I was very happy I only had to do a skit and a scavenger hunt. The camp was ok, but nothing like the camp I planned. I also had a higher turn out. This weekend there was only 7 families that came. Maybe 50 people. I had 150 people come to the camp I planned. Ryan and I were talking about the difference. It’s the little things. Like an aggressive marketing plan, a better date (choose one at the end of August, more people will be around), everything else boils down to details. ie. chocolate with graham crackers for s’mores, song books so we can sing camp songs, crafts for the kids, a make and take (pillow case, t-shirt, etc.), excellent food. We did a smoked beef sirloin roast that cooked all day. Make it memorable, unforgettable, so the next time you plan an activity people are sure to come again because the last time was so much fun. I dunno… I find it very easy to plan stuff. I plan them good so people always talk about it and never forget it. Details. Take that extra effort, that extra care. Don’t be cheap. Don’t have to be expensive, just cover all your basis. ie. Have butter to put on the pancakes. Sure you don’t need it, but it’s a nice touch. Have eggs. Sure you don’t need it, but once again… it’s the details.

I’m glad I don’t have this calling anymore, cuz quite frankly I treated it like a job and it would take me 2 months to plan an activity, then 2 days before I did nothing but prep and pack for the activity. I just don’t have time to do it anymore. Work is taking up my life and I’m just so crazy busy.

I went to go ride the motorcycles again today, but it was canceled cuz of the stupid Ozzy concert today. Suck. I want to buy a bike so bad.

For some reason I just always have to bring chaos into my life… I just don’t know why. I think it’s cuz I get bored. I like drama. I like the intensity. I like the extremes. I feel like a cat just swishing my tail, waiting to pounce with a mischievious glint in my eye, just waiting impatiently.

I’m always wanting more. I’m insatiable. I always want what I can’t have. When something is too easy for me I get bored. I like change. I like variety. I’m so curious about so many things. Curiosity killed the cat.

I’ve just got a lot of energy pulsing through me right now. I don’t know why… Maybe it’s cuz I’ve eaten for the first time today…. it’s 7pm. I drink a lot of water and juice during the day. I just don’t have time to eat. Too busy.

Friday I’ll be playing with fire…. trying to see how close I can get without getting bured. Fire is not good, but I can’t resist. It’s intoxicating, hypnotizing and challenging. I always like a challenge.

So I’m forwarded this ‘joke’ which I think actually mimics real life.

‘Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’
‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends. ‘’Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..'’

I laugh at this cuz this is sooooooo true. This has happened with us as well. I find it quite amusing. .

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.

30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!’

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says’HEBREWS’

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

So I’m trying to find a nanny and I find this task very over whelming. Part of me wants to stay home, but the other part of me is seeking freedom and I just don’t feel that I can handle the stress of the kids. Last week was a crazy week. The kids didn’t see me for 3 days straight. When I did see Mya for 5 min in the morning she cried and said she didn’t want me to go to work and she didn’t like the babysitter, she wanted me. It just broke my heart. Luke was very clingy to me and didn’t let me leave his sight when he did see me. I just feel bad. EVERYONE that I talk to thinks that I should just stay home and that I’m going to miss the best part of my kids lives as they grow up. *sigh* I dunno. I’m so torn.

I feel like a failure as a mother. I’m not Mary Poppins. I’m a great mom to one or two, but then I get overwhelmed when I have 5 coming at me. I have all these ideas in my head of the ideal mother and I never seem to achieve that. I feel so flustered, stressed, depressed and upset when I’m around them all the time. When I go to work, I feel like I can deal with them better cuz I’m not around them so much so I have more patience.

I’ve signed up to this nanny sight and I have 90 days to find someone. I need to grab someone within 1 week if possible. Just like me to leave things to the last minute. I think I’ve been procrastinating because part of me doesn’t want a nanny. I do, but I don’t. I really feel like the little old lady who lived in a shoe. I think I’m going to make that into my answering machine message, cuz I think it’ll be funny.

I want someone who will play with the kids, help them with their chores and who will take them out to the park all the time. I feel like my kids are bumps on a log. We go on a walk and they are complaining about how far they are walking. Sheesh.

The search for a nanny continues. I’ve found several that I would love to have, just the issue of a work visa I think. I’m trying to find someone from a commonwealth country so they won’t need a visa, but we’ll see. I’m hoping just to grab someone from Canada here.

My friend is going to be starting this adventure tours company soon and she wants me to work for her… umm.. hell ya! That’s soooo up my alley! I’d love to be able to be a group leader and take people skiing or on a zipline or travel to another part of the world. Gah! That would be a dream. I’m thinking she won’t be able to get it up and running until next year or something. Holy cheesepuffs Batman. I’d be so pumped to do this kind of job. I’d prolly take a pay cut, but I’d prolly take it since I’d be able to then travel around doing all the things I want to do and get paid for it. How snazzy is that?!? Giddy up baby!

Today was a good day. After going to bed last night at midnight, I woke up today at 6:30am and got ready to go to COP. Ryan just bought a business on Wednesday, so he went to check on the store. I got the kids ready and drove them to Ryan’s parents house. I called Ryan to make sure he was going to meet me there, but no. He wouldn’t be able to meet me at 9am. I just didn’t care. I told him I was still going whether he wanted to come along or not. We were meeting friends there and I wanted to go on the luge, eurobungee, zipline and z-trip. I left and went out to COP myself.

I signed up for all 4. I did the zipline(they call it the skyline ride) first. I went ziplining in BC so this wasn’t anything new. It was from a really far distance, from the top of the ski jump tower down. The kids/teens that were running it was so unprofessional. They sucked. I think if you own the company, love your job and do it for a living it shows. These kids could careless. So we went up to the top of the tower. The height was crazy. I was on “monster left”, the girl undid my parachute and released the cable. It was fun, but it seemed to go slow. It didn’t seem like 120km - 140km like they were talking about. I think the parachute slowed me down too much cuz the other people got to hold their parachute and throw it out later, so they got more speed. ARG. Oh well. It was just a long drop, there was another zip down and that was it. It wasn’t worth the $50 I paid. I felt ripped off by doing all the things at COP. It’s not good value for your money. I felt the BC Zipline between the trees was amazing and I totally got my money’s worth for that one. But oh well. Now I know.

After I met up with Bri and her boy toy (I say boy toy cuz there is a 10 year age gap between them. She’s smart.) and we went on the z-trip or zorbing. Now I want to try this in New Zealand. This would be fun on a longer track. This cost $30 and it was fun, I just wanted it to go on for longer. You step into this plastic ball that is so hot inside, you feel like you’re in a green house. You strap yourself in and hold on to these straps. Nat and I were in there, Bri, being prego wasn’t able to go. It was a fun flip down the little hill. I think for that price you should be able to go twice. I should have asked, but I wanted to go on the eurobungee and luge.

Off to the Eurobungee. It was a tramp with bungee cords tied onto you so you can do flips and jump really high. Again, the staff were not very good here. They didn’t tie me up tight enough and the straps rode up and cut into my chest and didn’t fit my legs properly. I couldn’t breath very well and it just hurt. I made them come and adjust it abit. I jumped, did flips and flopped around. After 8 min, my turn was done. I was exhausted. Jumping on the tramp is a lot of work. It was ok, but I don’t think I’d do it again.

Ryan finally showed up at noon and we all went to the luge. Signed our waivers and hopped on this little sled. I curled my feet around the front and you push off, then lay down. It was a short, quick ride that lasted maybe 20 seconds. All this for $6? Once again I felt ripped off. We watched the athlete’s train for a bit, then took some mug shots on a bobsled. Then we said our goodbye’s to Bri and her boy toy and left.

*sigh* Ya, I’m never coming here again. I so didn’t get my money’s worth. It’s way overrated.

Ryan and I stopped at Earl’s for lunch and just caught up in what was happening in each others lives. We have hardly seen each other all week. I would leave the house at 8am go to work at 3pm I’d leave to go to my motorcycle class, sleep for an hour then take my class from 5:45 - 10:30, drive home arrive around 11:30am. Wind down and go to bed around midnight. Or else I was working the evenings. So besides giving each other instructions on what was happening with the kids we haven’t really touched base. I’m getting more independent. I think back to when we were younger and I would have freaked out. I wouldn’t have been able to handle the separation. Now, I’m like, ‘whatever. I’ll see ya when I see ya.’ I’m really proud of myself that I’m not so needy or as possessive as I once was. I guess I’ve grown up quite a bit…. maybe it’s cuz I don’t give a damn anymore… I dunno. I’m just so busy doing my own thing, I’m too busy to worry about him or anything. I figure he’ll always be there…. and if one day he’s not… Oh well. Next. I’ve really detached myself from him, which I’m glad about cuz now I’m just focusing on me and doing things I’ve always wanted and I’m just more secure with myself. I like the grown up me. Things are good right now. Maybe everything isn’t perfect, but it’s as good as it’s gonna get.

We picked up the kids and took them to the science centre. We then went by Peter’s (best drive in Alberta has to offer!) and got some yummy shakes and burgers. I hate fast food except I love their food. I wasn’t hungry since I had just eaten at noon. It was 6:00, but I still wasn’t hungry. We went to my motorcycle extra practice class. I practice more from 6:30 - 9:30pm. It was good. I was able to get a bunch of maneuvers down that I need to know for my test. I figure I’m not 100%, but I’ll challenge the test anyway. I just need to try to remember everything they taught me. I got to drive a Ninja 250R a 2008. It was AMAZING! I LOVED it! It was so smooth and it just purred. I took it for a few laps around the parking lot and just feel in love with it. The shifting was smooth, braking was smooth, cornering was a breeze. It was just a beautiful machine. I soooo want one.

I drove around, practiced all the skills I need to know for the test. The kids watched and then rolled down the hill. Ryan was talking to the instructors and they said I was the most improved, I was getting better and better every day and I was very tenacious.

Something that I just found out. I don’t need a license to ride a motorcycle. I can just ride with someone who has a license and that’s good enough. Hmm… who knew. Well, since I only know a handful of people who have one, I’m still gonna go get my license…. well, I’ll try anyway. I really hope I pass the test tomorrow and I don’t let the nerves get to me and I don’t make more than 4 mistakes. ACK! The pressure. I need to figure out a way to distract my mind and to calm myself down.

Today was a good day. It was also Luke’s 2nd birthday. We will celebrate it with cake and gifts tomorrow. He’s 2 so he just gets a family party. That and going to the science centre was his party. Happy birthday to my sweet little terror, Luke. I love him to bits. He’s such a monkey and gives me the most grief, but I love that little boy to pieces.

I’m so crushed. I hate riding…. well…. I hate riding in the rain to be specific.

On the 3rd day we did counter-steering. They way it was described and when they did an example, it was over exaggerated and I just couldn’t wrap it around my head. So I had difficulty with it all class. I left class 3 frustrated yet again.

Day 4 our last class. I finally got the counter steering. I watched video’s on youtube and I understood it. I practiced 4 times, then got it down. I jumped on 4 different bikes and finally settled on the one I liked on the 3rd day. A “blue” (Trevor called it purple, it’s blue) Kawasaki sport bike. It was my fav. So I drove around and began to practice my circles, serpentines and slow maneuvers. For some reason I can do a serpentine down the hill, but going back up I psych myself out and weave all over the place. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my mind.

We went on our first ride out of the parking lot today and I absolutely hated it. If I never jump on another bike again, I don’t even care cuz I hated it so much. I’m so crushed and very, very upset.

When we first left it was a little chilly. It had been raining all day and it was drizzling a little bit today as we drove around and practiced more. I had on a tiny 1/2 sleeved low shirt with my thin leather jacket. I was cold when I got there, but I was stupid and didn’t bring a sweater along because my mind was occupied with all the meetings I had at work today.

I looked around my van for a sweater or extra shirt, but no such luck. So I tried to button up as far as I could go, but it was low. So basically if it was +25C it would have been ok, but I’m sure it was only +10 and it was windy. I was so nervous of going out. I didn’t feel I was ready. Thankfully, the instructor put me 3rd in line so I would be following him. I was so glad cuz I can mimic very well. Whatever he did, I did.

We went out and before we left the parking lot I got cold. I HATE being cold. We drove out further and I got colder. We went faster and I got even colder. I began to shake and my teeth began to rattle and clatter about 6 minutes in. As we went on faster roads it began to rain…. and not just rain a few drops, I’m talking about a nice little rain storm. So now I’m cold, shaking, my teeth are clattering, I can barely keep the bike straight cuz my hands are numb, my legs are numb, the wind is sweeping down my chest and front. My lips were cold I could barely move them. The cars passing us are spraying water in our paths and the big trucks are splashing water all over as they passed. I started losing focus because I was so cold.

I had a hard time keeping the bike straight because I was shaking so bad. I started to lose my balance a little. I began to talk to myself telling myself that I could keep going and not stop. My legs gripped the sides of the bike and I tried to snuggle into the seat because it was warm. I fixated on the instructors tail light and never took my eyes off him. I just kept telling myself over and over that I could make it and to keep going. I was so cold. My body was shaking so violently I was so cold. I HATE being cold. My jeans were soaked, my helmet kept fogging up, so I tipped up the visor up, the rain came pelting in my face and it stung like little mosquitoes. I tipped it down and the rain drops were sliding down in front reducing my visibility. Now I’m a psycho and I hate having even the littlest amount of rain on my car windshield. I was pissed that it was on my visor and I could hardly see. Every time we stopped at a light I tried to wipe the rain drops off and clear it off. It sucked. I hated every moment. We were out for 40 agonizing minutes.

Seriously, I don’t even want to take my test and get my license. If I don’t ever ride a motorcycle again, I could careless. I hated it that much. I hated the bumps. I hated the freezing cold. I hated the freezing wind. No part of it was enjoyable. When we got back we had to tell what was the highlight. They came to me and I was at a loss. Everyone was raving about something or another. I hated every bit of it. So I just said, “arriving back in the parking lot safe and sound and having the instructor in front of me so he could lead me back.” I just hated it. HATED IT!

When it was nice out and the sun shining, I loved riding in the parking lot. This riding in the rain blows goats and sucks rotten eggs.

Ryan said I should just get my license anyway, but I don’t even care now. I’m so stressed out by this and this is turning into torture cuz I’m not getting everything perfect. My stress levels have increased so much and I don’t handle stress very well. I just feel like crying, but I am too stressed out and frustrated. I’m so, so, so upset. I’ve wanted this so badly and I’m just crushed that I hate it so much. I was so tense and so stressed during the first ride I couldn’t even enjoy it cuz I was so damn cold. My shoulders ache, my arms ache and my neck aches from tensing up so much while on the ride from hell.

*sigh* This sucks.

Gah! I’m going too hard. I’m so exhausted, tired and frustrated. I want to hit something.

I get up at 6:30am, get ready for work, go to work, work through lunch so I can leave at 3:00pm, so I can make it 1 hour way to my motorcycle lessons, then take lessons from 5:45 - 10:30pm. Drive home, then I’m back by 11:30pm, unwind and clean up the disaster and start all over again. This is how my week will go this week. I’m so freakn’ exhausted. I wish I didn’t need sleep. I’m dyin’.

This motorcycle riding is harder than I thought. The first day we learned how to start and take off. Today we are doing shifting and cornering. The shifting is going ok, and the cornering is going ok, but I’m frustrated because I learn by repetition and I feel like I don’t get to do the same thing over and over enough until I have it perfect. It just seems like I’m just getting it then, boom, they switch to something different. The 2 instructors are not that great, but the owner kicks ass! He’s awesome! He’s got the patience of Job and he really explains things very well. I like specific, constant instruction and he’s always right there. He’s fabulous. The other 2, they are ok, but not all that great.

Today we did circles and serpentines all day today along with shifting. I was so frustrated near the end and Trevor picked up on it. He was able to calm me down and gently talked me through the serpentine. It was good. I still left tonite very frustrated because I wanted it to be perfect. I was able to do the circles and serpentines, but I wanted it to be perfect from start to finish. I would get it perfectly right until the very last turn and I’d run over a cone or I wouldn’t slow down enough to do the turn and blow it too wide. GAH! I want these to be perfect cuz this is what you’re tested on for your license. I’m so determined to do this right. I just want more practice. I feel like I spend the majority of my time sitting in a stupid line waiting for everyone else to go so I can go. I just want to do the same thing over and over and over until it’s right.

I left just frustrated and angry. I just wish I would cry just to let it all out, but I can’t. Instead it’s just building up inside and right now I just want to punch something or go for a long, fast run until I dry heave and have no energy left to exert any anger.

A teacher asks her class, ‘if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little Johnny says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little Johnny replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,'’ but I like your thinking.’

Ryan and I spent the evening at the Stampede. I wanted to catch State of Shock perform on the Coke Stage at 9:30pm. We had a great time goofing around with the military guys, checking out the tanks, the missiles and the guns. Those guns are sure heavy. I could barely lift them. That’s why I’m not in the military. I’m a wimp.

We hit the mini donuts, corn dogs, corn on the cob, caramel apples, beef on a bun and kielbasa. It was all so yummy, except the corn dogs, they were gross, but Ryan loves them. We ended up walking around the roundup centre. We looked at all the displays. Ryan found his favorite, the massaging chairs. I left him there and went to look at all the art. I bought a piece. It’s black with 12 red and orange fish swimming a circle. The guy told me that it meant good fortune. I just fell in love with it and couldn’t walk away, so I bought it. I spent the rest of the time in the art gallery and just lost myself for an hour. I was so happy. I loved looking at all the sculptures, the paintings and the photographs. There were a few prints that I would have loved to buy, but the place was closing down and I didn’t have time to look at everything.

Ryan refused to stand and wait for State for Shock for a couple of hours before the concert so we got there 15 min before the concert started. I was annoyed cuz by the time we got there all the front seats and any of the benches or planters were already taken. Being vertically challenged I was irked because I wanted to work my way to the front, but once again Ryan just wanted to hang out in the back and not go up to the front. *sigh*

So we listened from about 20 feet away from the stage. It wasn’t too bad. I was able to see everything and they sounded great! I loved all their songs, even the ones I didn’t know.

They played: The Best I Ever Had:

Hearts that Bleed:

Money, Honey
You Really Got Me
Stupid
If I could
And a bunch more.

They were engaging and all their songs were great. After the concert, I wanted to go meet them and pick up their CD and get it autographed, but Ryan didn’t want to stand in line. *shocker* So we went and got him a drink and something to eat (cuz he needs to be fed every 2 hours) then by the time I was able to convince him to go back, the line was closed and we couldn’t get in the line anymore. I was annoyed yet again. Seriously, he drives me crazy. I just glared at him and walked away. He was just grinning and all smug. I’m so exasperated with him.

We took the sky ride through the stampede. As we were taking the sky ride the fireworks were going off. I love fireworks. It amazes me how some guys have no inhibitions at all. A guy going the other way looks at me, smiles and says, “Hey, Gorgeous!” Ryan was sitting right beside me. Seriously. Who does that? He must have been drunk. I looked behind me thinking he was talking to someone in the cart behind me, but there was no one behind us in the several other carts. He turns around and waves back at me. I just shake my head and smile then turn around. Craziness.

We finished watching the fireworks at the bridge. Then we took the train back to our car. Despite Ryan being a snufalupagus, the night was wonderful. It was great to get out without the kids. My favorite part was watching the band and looking at all the art.

Yesterday, a couple of guys enter the theatre and I go up to them asking them if they would like to buy a ticket.
They tell me they are just here to check out the theatre since their gym is right next door and they just moved to Calgary.
The one guy thought he was pretty hot stuff. His ego almost filled the lobby.
He looks at me and says, “Wow, so there must be a requirement that you have to be hot to work here huh?”
I just look at his friend and look back at him.
“That’s weak.” I told him.
“I try,” he says.
“You need to work on your pick up lines, cuz that’s horrible.”
He then goes on to explain to me that Calgary is crawling with gorgeous women and that his neck hurts at the end of the day from looking at all the beautiful women everywhere.

He starts to strike up a conversation and I unfortunately need to entertain him and his retarded banter. Eventually the conversation leads to this:

Guy who thought he was pretty hot says to me: So I had to run all the way from Okotoks to downtown Calgary. It took me forever!
Me: You ran? It takes like 45 min to DRIVE… and you ran? Why?
Guy: Cuz I didn’t have a car.
Me: So why didn’t you call a taxi?
Guy: My cell phone battery died.
Me: So why didn’t you stop at the 24 hr. gas stations in town. There are 2 on the main drag as you head out of town and just use their pay phone to call a cab?
Guy: Cuz I only had $5
I was shocked and raised my eye brows. I just looked at him and shook my head.
Me: Wow…. you really have a lot of brawn, but not a lot is rattling up there huh?
He just stares at me and blinks, so I don’t think he got it.
His friend was howling with laughter.
Me: You know you could have gotten the gas attendant to give you change for your $5, then you could have used the pay phone at the gas station to call a cab.
He then stammers on and tries to explain himself, but just ends up sounding even more stupid.
I was really shocked at the stupidness this guy exhibited. I have never run into anyone that was that clueless before.

So I was just coming off of working 5 days straight in the evenings. I’m beginning to realize that working in the evenings blows goats cuz I’m exhausted all the time. I will work from 5pm - 2am then I’m up at 8am to take care of the kids all day. I may or may not get a nap in, but even if I do, it’s only a quick one.

We go to Drumheller every Canada Day, have the free pancake breakfast, go see the parade, go to the splash park, go to the Monster truck rally, go to the reptile museum or the Drumheller museum. We go with friends and always have a great time.

Monday night I had to work so before I left I told Ryan to have the kids help clean out the van, pack extra clothes, their swim suit and a towel in the backpacks, pack up the cooler and all the snacks. Have the kids sleep in their clothes they will wear that day so that in the morning we just wake up, grab them from their beds and toss them into the van.

I called from work to remind Ryan of the things he has to do.

“What are you doing?” I ask
“Cleaning the basement.” He answers.

*sigh*
“I didn’t ask you to clean the basement. I asked you to clean the van and have the van packed with the kids clothes and snacks for our trip.”
“I’ll see if I can get around to it.” He says.
“No, no. You NEED to do that, so we can leave on time tomorrow and catch the breakfast. Just leave the basement alone and get the kids to clean the van instead.”
“ok.”

I get home at 2am and peek into the van. Everything is still dirty and nothing is packed in the van. I am too exhausted to pack so I go to bed and set the alarm for 5:30am. I’m furious because he just ignored me again, did whatever the hell he wanted and didn’t listen to me, yet again.

I get up at 5:30am, shower, get ready, get the kids up, have them clean out the van, pack the snacks and repack their backpacks. We don’t end up leaving until 7:20am. I’m furious at Ryan. We are now going to miss the breakfast because of his inability to follow instructions.

We pull into McDonalds for breakfast since we would miss the one in Drumheller. Everyone orders.

Ryan: What do you want to eat?
Me: Pancakes and sausages.
Ryan:(into the microphone to order): A big Breakfast please.
Me: Are you kidding me? I asked for pancakes and sausages.
Ryan: That’s what I got you.
Me: NO! You ordered the Big Breakfast. I DON’T WANT the big breakfast. I wanted pancakes and sausages. Did you not hear? I know I spoke clearly.
Ryan: Well, you can have the Big Breakfast. It comes with that.
Me: No, it doesn’t! The big breakfast doesn’t have pancakes. It has eggs. I don’t want eggs, I want sausages. I’ve read the menu. Would you just order what I want instead of what you THINK I want? I KNOW what I want and I don’t want the big breakfast, I WANT THE PANCAKES AND SAUSAGES. Why don’t you LISTEN to me?!?

At this point I’m screaming cuz I’m still so pissed about the morning and now he’s not listening AGAIN when I tell him exactly what I want. I was just freaking out. The lady behind the speaker heard everything and she’s like…

Drive through lady at McDonalds: “Uhhh…. soooo… do you want the Pancakes and Sausages then instead of the Big Breakfast?”
Me:”YES!”
I then turn to Ryan and say, “Even SHE understands what I want! What is wrong with you?”
He just starts to grin.
I then begin to realize he’s just doing this to get under my skin and piss me off.
“You know, if I was Darth Vader, you’d be dead. I really hate you right now.” I sneer.
Ryan just laughs.
I was so mad, I swear I almost had an aneurysm.

I ate, then slept the entire way to Drumheller. We had a great time at the parade. We sat near the beginning and the kids collected lots of candy. They loved the parade. We went to Sobey’s after and had beef on a bun. After we went to the splash park. I laid in the grass,took a nap and was the designated parent to take the kids to the bathroom. So every 20 min. a different kid had to go to the bathroom. I wish they would all go at once. The kids chased each other around through the splash park and had a great time. We stayed until 5pm. The clouds began to roll in so we packed up, headed to DQ to cash in the free coupon we got from the parade and had some ice cream. Then we drove the 2 hours home. I slept the entire way home.

I hate working so late, cuz it just throws me for a loop the next day. Then again, I only got 3 hours of sleep. I hate having to sleep. I wish I didn’t have to sleep. I wish that I could just stay awake and have lots of energy with none of the effects of lack of sleep.

Why is it that people are constantly asking me if I’m having a mid-life crisis just because I want to go to a bunch of fun stuff? Just because I don’t want to get fat, sit on the couch and watch TV all day people are questioning all the things I am doing. I’m so extremely annoyed.

Now I suppose I can understand from their point of view because all the people have only known me while I was prego and nursing. So I was tired and no, I wasn’t sky diving… cuz I was usually knocked up. I spent the last 11 years pregnant or nursing. I just didn’t do anything but gestate and try to cope all those years. I was drowning.

Having kids right away was never my plan. My plan was to graduate from high school. Get my photojournalism degree (which I did), work for a bit, go on a mission, then go be a photographer for National Geographic taking pics all over the world and traveling to every country. I wanted to do all sorts of things. I wanted to ride in a helicopter, be a cop, be a DJ, be a reporter, work on a cruise ship, travel all over the world, write a book, be a stunt driver, drive a race car, get my pilots license and fly a plane…. the list just goes on and on. I was just never outspoken about it and I didn’t do anything about it. I just kept it to myself and those were my private thoughts and my private dreams. Back then anything that ever meant anything to me, I never talked about. I was too used to having my mother dash my dreams or make fun of me for them, so I quickly learned at a very young age to keep special things that meant a lot to myself and not share them.

I just wanted to experience everything I could, then settle down and get married and have kids when I was around 30 - 33. I figured that would be a good age to start having kids. So my entire life was planned out. Play for 10-15 years then settle down. Well, life has a weird way of slapping you in the face. Instead I, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how I look at it, met Ryan, got knocked up and started my family first. That was so hard. I look back now and just see a lot of darkness and sadness. It took me a good… ooohhhh… 8 years to get over the fact that I didn’t do what I had originally planned. I kept living in the past and couldn’t push forward. I figured life as I knew it was over. I was to be a mom and wasn’t allowed to do anything else. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable.

I don’t know what finally ignited the light again. Maybe it was a combination of a bunch of things. I met a few friends who kept going to school to get their masters even though they had kids. Amazing women who could do everything, sew, cook, build stuff, was all crafty and who didn’t let motherhood stop them from doing things or learning new things. I guess I just stopped having a pity party for myself and decided to just do something I’ve always wanted to do. When I went to Amanda’s wedding, that’s what wet my appetite and made me hunger for adventure.

I flew out on Wednesday and went to Victoria all by myself. I had to go through the airport and I wandered around Victoria all by myself. It just made my heart pound. I felt that sense of, ‘I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but let’s just take this road and see where it takes me. If I get lost, I’ll just ask for directions.’ I had not been by myself like that ever. I always had my parents or Ryan with me. I loved it. I walked along the Pacific Ocean, watched the sunset, watched street performers, watched artists paint and display their art. I just loved it. Not for a second did I miss Ryan or the kids. I just felt peace and freedom. I was so relaxed. I didn’t realized how stressed I was until the hairdresser was doing my hair for the wedding and she commented on my hair.

She told me that a few pieces of my hair was going white from the tip to the root which is extremely abnormal. She pulled it out for me to take a look at. She said that hair normally turns white from the root to the tip, but when a person is under extreme stress it will turn white from tip to root. I thought that was so interesting. She then told me of a person she knew who lost her mom, got a divorce and lost her job all within a 2 year period. The hairdresser said that her hair turned white from the stress and she was only in her late 20’s. I knew I was stressed, just didn’t know my body was having issues as well.

Friday Ryan showed up and my stress level shot through the roof. The wedding was so much fun. I laughed and had a great time that entire day. After the wedding Ryan and I spent a couple extra days in BC. I was so mad and so stressed and so upset at him the entire time. He just drove me nuts and I think he did stuff on purpose just to get a rise out of me. I hated being with him and I hated traveling with him.

I told him I wouldn’t travel with him ever again and I just wanted to go on my own. While we were in BC we ziplined down a mountain. We went and saw Hatley castle where X-Men and Smallville filmed. I was just thrilled out of my mind. I wanted to go Kayaking in the ocean, but the ball and chain was being an ass. He refused to stop and ask for directions. Instead wherever we went we got lost for a good hour before I finally made him stop and I asked for directions. It was so infuriating and made me madder that a hornet. By the time we finally found our destination the place was closed. I was so frustrated. I was screaming at Ryan, “I am getting white hairs because of YOU!!!!! YOU are stressing me out!”

I just loved being on my own those first couple of days and trying all those fun things. We went sight seeing all over Victoria and had fish and chips right on the dock. It was great. I wanted to feel that pit in my stomach again and that adrenaline pumping. When we went to Vegas I felt that again while jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet, while meeting Dave, riding in a race car, going on the rides at the Stratosphere, watching David Copperfield do magic and just exploring all the hotels. It was just so great. I just love experiencing new things and exploring.

It took me about a month to recover from Victoria and from Vegas. After being on such a high, I would come home and just crash. I was miserable again. Finally, I decided to just do things that scared me. I live in the best city in Canada and I think it’s 3rd in North America or in the world some poll or survey said. The mountains are at my fingertips. I live at the base of the mountains and there is soooooooooo much to do out here. People pay huge money to play in my backyard and I LIVE here. So I was determined that this summer I would play and experience as much as I could. Now that I’m working a little I can now afford to play a little more. This year would be my year. Just my year to be a little selfish and do things I’ve wanted to do.

I’ve packed my summer so I’m constantly busy. I booked and paid for my motorcycle lessons, I booked campgrounds, I am going to go to Canada Olympic Park and go zorbing. That’s where they push you down the ski hill in a big ball like a hamster. I’m doing the zip line at COP, I’ll go on the luge and try the eurobungee.

I’ve booked a day to go paintballing, I’ve found a guy who does tandem hang gliding, parasailing and decided on the company I want to go whitewater rafting with. I booked a camp so we get to stay in a teepee for 3 nights. I’ve made plans to go to the splash park, the science centre, the zoo, parades, have BBQ’s and still work. I’m also actively looking for a nanny. I’m going to go to work for 3 days Monday - Wednesday and then do a couple days in the evenings. I’m getting so much grief for going back to work. I’m so sick of it. I’m hoping that by going to work during the day it will give me a break from the kids and help me to appreciate them more. Right now I can’t stand all the whining, crying, fighting and mischievousness that goes on. I’m just not one of those Mary Poppins mom’s. I’m like Cruella DeVill.

I guess, I’m the type of person that has to go 120% then once I get it out of my system I slow down a bit, until the next burst of ‘I need to do stuff comes along.’ Am I burning the candle at both ends? Will I snap? I don’t know. I’m too busy, have to much on my mind and am too tired to think about it. I do like to throw a bunch of balls in the air and juggle them for as long as I can until they all come tumbling down. Then I go off and nurse my wounds for a few days, then slowly start picking up balls and start juggling again.

So am I going through a mid-life crisis? No, I don’t think so. I’m just doing stuff I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had great examples of people just doing what they think of and dream of so why can’t I? I just need this outlet. I need to keep this going or else I’m going to be one of those women who snap, leave their husband and children and just disappear with some other man. THAT is a midlife crisis, in my mind. I just want to play and have fun. People suck right now. I just want to stay away from everyone for a moment, cuz right now if I hear another, “Are you going through a mid-life crisis?” comment I wanna rip each of their fingers off, dice them, toss them in a salad and eat their fingers, while pummeling them in the face with an anvil.

….*sigh* I’ve got anger issues today. I need to be left alone.

Today my 5 year old peed in a plastic pop bottle, then climbed up our 7 foot fence and threw the pee bottle into the neighbors yard.

*sigh*

The other siblings told on him. I marched him over to the neighbors, made him take back the bottle and apologize. I told him to dump the pee into the grass then throw the bottle into the garbage. He took off like lightening, while I talked to the neighbor. I followed him soon after and look in the garbage. There was the bottle and it was tipped over with pee running all over the garbage can.

*URG*

Now, I’m going to make him hose out the garbage can. The kid is a nightmare.