No, it’s not a mid-life crisis!
Why is it that people are constantly asking me if I’m having a mid-life crisis just because I want to go to a bunch of fun stuff? Just because I don’t want to get fat, sit on the couch and watch TV all day people are questioning all the things I am doing. I’m so extremely annoyed.
Now I suppose I can understand from their point of view because all the people have only known me while I was prego and nursing. So I was tired and no, I wasn’t sky diving… cuz I was usually knocked up. I spent the last 11 years pregnant or nursing. I just didn’t do anything but gestate and try to cope all those years. I was drowning.
Having kids right away was never my plan. My plan was to graduate from high school. Get my photojournalism degree (which I did), work for a bit, go on a mission, then go be a photographer for National Geographic taking pics all over the world and traveling to every country. I wanted to do all sorts of things. I wanted to ride in a helicopter, be a cop, be a DJ, be a reporter, work on a cruise ship, travel all over the world, write a book, be a stunt driver, drive a race car, get my pilots license and fly a plane…. the list just goes on and on. I was just never outspoken about it and I didn’t do anything about it. I just kept it to myself and those were my private thoughts and my private dreams. Back then anything that ever meant anything to me, I never talked about. I was too used to having my mother dash my dreams or make fun of me for them, so I quickly learned at a very young age to keep special things that meant a lot to myself and not share them.
I just wanted to experience everything I could, then settle down and get married and have kids when I was around 30 - 33. I figured that would be a good age to start having kids. So my entire life was planned out. Play for 10-15 years then settle down. Well, life has a weird way of slapping you in the face. Instead I, fortunately or unfortunately depending on how I look at it, met Ryan, got knocked up and started my family first. That was so hard. I look back now and just see a lot of darkness and sadness. It took me a good… ooohhhh… 8 years to get over the fact that I didn’t do what I had originally planned. I kept living in the past and couldn’t push forward. I figured life as I knew it was over. I was to be a mom and wasn’t allowed to do anything else. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable.
I don’t know what finally ignited the light again. Maybe it was a combination of a bunch of things. I met a few friends who kept going to school to get their masters even though they had kids. Amazing women who could do everything, sew, cook, build stuff, was all crafty and who didn’t let motherhood stop them from doing things or learning new things. I guess I just stopped having a pity party for myself and decided to just do something I’ve always wanted to do. When I went to Amanda’s wedding, that’s what wet my appetite and made me hunger for adventure.
I flew out on Wednesday and went to Victoria all by myself. I had to go through the airport and I wandered around Victoria all by myself. It just made my heart pound. I felt that sense of, ‘I don’t know where the hell I’m going, but let’s just take this road and see where it takes me. If I get lost, I’ll just ask for directions.’ I had not been by myself like that ever. I always had my parents or Ryan with me. I loved it. I walked along the Pacific Ocean, watched the sunset, watched street performers, watched artists paint and display their art. I just loved it. Not for a second did I miss Ryan or the kids. I just felt peace and freedom. I was so relaxed. I didn’t realized how stressed I was until the hairdresser was doing my hair for the wedding and she commented on my hair.
She told me that a few pieces of my hair was going white from the tip to the root which is extremely abnormal. She pulled it out for me to take a look at. She said that hair normally turns white from the root to the tip, but when a person is under extreme stress it will turn white from tip to root. I thought that was so interesting. She then told me of a person she knew who lost her mom, got a divorce and lost her job all within a 2 year period. The hairdresser said that her hair turned white from the stress and she was only in her late 20’s. I knew I was stressed, just didn’t know my body was having issues as well.
Friday Ryan showed up and my stress level shot through the roof. The wedding was so much fun. I laughed and had a great time that entire day. After the wedding Ryan and I spent a couple extra days in BC. I was so mad and so stressed and so upset at him the entire time. He just drove me nuts and I think he did stuff on purpose just to get a rise out of me. I hated being with him and I hated traveling with him.
I told him I wouldn’t travel with him ever again and I just wanted to go on my own. While we were in BC we ziplined down a mountain. We went and saw Hatley castle where X-Men and Smallville filmed. I was just thrilled out of my mind. I wanted to go Kayaking in the ocean, but the ball and chain was being an ass. He refused to stop and ask for directions. Instead wherever we went we got lost for a good hour before I finally made him stop and I asked for directions. It was so infuriating and made me madder that a hornet. By the time we finally found our destination the place was closed. I was so frustrated. I was screaming at Ryan, “I am getting white hairs because of YOU!!!!! YOU are stressing me out!”
I just loved being on my own those first couple of days and trying all those fun things. We went sight seeing all over Victoria and had fish and chips right on the dock. It was great. I wanted to feel that pit in my stomach again and that adrenaline pumping. When we went to Vegas I felt that again while jumping out of a plane at 15,000 feet, while meeting Dave, riding in a race car, going on the rides at the Stratosphere, watching David Copperfield do magic and just exploring all the hotels. It was just so great. I just love experiencing new things and exploring.
It took me about a month to recover from Victoria and from Vegas. After being on such a high, I would come home and just crash. I was miserable again. Finally, I decided to just do things that scared me. I live in the best city in Canada and I think it’s 3rd in North America or in the world some poll or survey said. The mountains are at my fingertips. I live at the base of the mountains and there is soooooooooo much to do out here. People pay huge money to play in my backyard and I LIVE here. So I was determined that this summer I would play and experience as much as I could. Now that I’m working a little I can now afford to play a little more. This year would be my year. Just my year to be a little selfish and do things I’ve wanted to do.
I’ve packed my summer so I’m constantly busy. I booked and paid for my motorcycle lessons, I booked campgrounds, I am going to go to Canada Olympic Park and go zorbing. That’s where they push you down the ski hill in a big ball like a hamster. I’m doing the zip line at COP, I’ll go on the luge and try the eurobungee.
I’ve booked a day to go paintballing, I’ve found a guy who does tandem hang gliding, parasailing and decided on the company I want to go whitewater rafting with. I booked a camp so we get to stay in a teepee for 3 nights. I’ve made plans to go to the splash park, the science centre, the zoo, parades, have BBQ’s and still work. I’m also actively looking for a nanny. I’m going to go to work for 3 days Monday - Wednesday and then do a couple days in the evenings. I’m getting so much grief for going back to work. I’m so sick of it. I’m hoping that by going to work during the day it will give me a break from the kids and help me to appreciate them more. Right now I can’t stand all the whining, crying, fighting and mischievousness that goes on. I’m just not one of those Mary Poppins mom’s. I’m like Cruella DeVill.
I guess, I’m the type of person that has to go 120% then once I get it out of my system I slow down a bit, until the next burst of ‘I need to do stuff comes along.’ Am I burning the candle at both ends? Will I snap? I don’t know. I’m too busy, have to much on my mind and am too tired to think about it. I do like to throw a bunch of balls in the air and juggle them for as long as I can until they all come tumbling down. Then I go off and nurse my wounds for a few days, then slowly start picking up balls and start juggling again.
So am I going through a mid-life crisis? No, I don’t think so. I’m just doing stuff I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve had great examples of people just doing what they think of and dream of so why can’t I? I just need this outlet. I need to keep this going or else I’m going to be one of those women who snap, leave their husband and children and just disappear with some other man. THAT is a midlife crisis, in my mind. I just want to play and have fun. People suck right now. I just want to stay away from everyone for a moment, cuz right now if I hear another, “Are you going through a mid-life crisis?” comment I wanna rip each of their fingers off, dice them, toss them in a salad and eat their fingers, while pummeling them in the face with an anvil.
….*sigh* I’ve got anger issues today. I need to be left alone.
