The journey between here and there

I started writing this 2 years ago, but have since forgotten about it… so here it is now… 2 years later.

***************
Well, another successful birth is under my belt. I was at my Bunko group (a bunch of women that get together and play this retarded dice game. Everyone goes home with some sort of prize at the end of the night. I go cuz I need to get out and conversation is good.) It was July 18 and I was complaining cuz I was STILL prego and I was due July 17. I was contemplating taking castor oil and was asking everyone about their experience. Ya, I never ever want to take that vile stuff.

Thankfully around 10:30pm I began to feel a little ‘contractory’ as I like to call it. I got home and 11:00pm. Sure enough, my contractions started to come every 7 minutes for 10 - 15 seconds long. Whoo hoo! I was excited. This was the baby I was ACTUALLY ready for. My bags were packed, the babies bags, and everything was ready a week ago already. I’ve been getting quite annoyed that the baby had not arrived yet and finally the time was upon us. I was thrilled. I was so sick of being prego. I was a byatch the last 2 weeks. I was so uncomfortable and so big. It was terrible. I really hate being prego… I’m glad this is the last time I have to go through it.

I tried to sleep but by midnight they were 5 minutes apart 45 seconds long. So we called Christina, but she sent James. So we sent him home and called Ryan’s dad. I wanted someone to sleep upstairs so they could hear if the kids woke up at night, which lately they have been doing.

I got to the hospital around 1:30am. I met the midwives there and they checked to see how far along I was… only 4cm! What! I thought it would be more than that. So they made me stand and walk around for a bit. Within an hour I was 6 cm and ready to go in the tub.

I love the tub. The water feels so good. If my back hurts, I just lift myself up and float in the tub. It was so wonderful. I love giving birth in the tub. For some reason it seemed to take FOREVER to get to the pushing stage. I was talking, laughing and joking around with my midwives until the heavy pushing stage came. Then the contractions were happening too fast to be able to talk and I concentrated on pushing this baby out. Finally at 4:05 I began to push. 10 min later I had the baby.

Now I didn’t know what sex the baby was and I was really praying and hoping for a girl because my boys are CRAZY! The midwives check and said, “You have a beautiful baby boy!”

“OH CRAP!” I screamed. “I don’t want a boy! I want a girl. A nice calm girl!”

They put the baby in my arms and I pleaded with the baby, “please, please don’t be crazy like your brothers, please have the personality of your oldest sister. Please!”

Another baby boy. *sigh* I started to tear up and cry. Not from happiness, but from being overwhelmed. If he’s like the other 2 boys I’d have my hands full again.

“I’m so glad you’re fixed!” I growled at Ryan. “I never want to be pregnant again! I’m done.”

For the first time I actually wanted to stay in the hospital and just sleep. I was exhausted. I had been up all day and all night.

Our baby boy is 8 lbs 3 onz. and is 21 inches long. He was born at 4:19am.

After the baby and I were looked after, I didn’t tear at all… whoo hoo. I’m a pro by now. They sent me home. I was so tired. I did want to go out for breakfast though, but Ryan was being all stupid and didn’t want to go out for breakfast. We went through the McDonalds drive through, but I hate McDonalds and only had an oj. I was starving, but nothing on their menu tastes good. It’s all crap. I’d rather starve.

So we get home and Ryan’s dad looks at me and says, “Oh, you didn’t have the baby?”

“It’s in the car seat, I know I’m still fat, but I just gave birth 3 hours ago. I’m still skinnier than you.” I growled as I walked past and went upstairs to my bed. What a jackass, seriously. Who says that? I’m so sick of his stupid jokes and his retarded sense of humor.

I was so tired. Thankfully, friends came and got the 4 other kids so we just slept all day long with the baby. We didn’t know what to name him. I really wanted to name him Jacob, but Ryan didn’t like the name. It took us a week to name the baby. We argued back and forth and finally Ryan won. Ryan named him Luke Paul. I don’t like the name Luke. Paul is one of my dad’s middle names so I don’t mind that, but I’m not thrilled with Luke. I’m still hung up on Jacob. I love the name Jacob or Jack. Ah well…

3 days later we went to Ryan’s best friend’s wedding. I just took a bunch of tylenol and we were off for the weekend. It was so nice to get away. After the wedding, a week later we went camping for our family reunion.

Everyone thinks I’m just crazy cuz I’m up and around so quickly after a baby, but I figure that the baby now has to adjust to our schedule. He’s number 5, he’s gotta know his place and just roll with it. I’m not a first time mom either so I don’t need to be in bed all day with a newborn. I’m nursing the baby and cooking dinner and usually multi-tasking… You have to.

It was Friday night and Ryan was wanting to go on a date since we haven’t seen each other for almost a month except in passing. We went out to Caesar’s Steakhouse. Now I think this is quite the snazzy place. All the waiters are dressed in tuxes and everyone dresses up to go out here.

We were quite under dressed. I wore my size 1 Gap dark denim long and lean jeans with a white tank top and a brown shirt over top. Ryan had on his baggy jeans, a red shirt and his black vest. We were getting disapproving glances from other patrons who were dressed as if they were going to some ball, but I didn’t give a damn. I walked in like I owned the joint and promptly ordered.

Appetizers: Escargot.

I love these little things and different restaurants always make them differently. This time they brought them to us IN THE SHELL! This was a first for me. I love trying new things.

They gave us these thigh master type contractions to hold the shells and open them with.

“These things look like something you’d see at the gynecologist office. Spread em!” I snapped them at Ryan giggling to myself.

I had a lot of fun playing with them all night long. I wouldn’t let the waiter take them away from me. The waiter himself was kind of a quirky guy. Tall, dark hair, cute, but odd…. I was really trying to decide if he was gay or not. I was teasing and bantering with him the whole night long. I love waiters that will play with me.

So he says to me, “the bus boy really likes to be pinched. He loves it.”

I smile and call him on his bluff… I reach over to the bus boy and grab his ass and pinch him.

LOL! The look of shock and surprise floods both the bus boy’s face and the waiters face. heheehe… I just smiled and then said, “oh gosh, I’m sorry, did you want me to pinch him with these?” I take my escargot tongs and then pinch him in the ass with those.

He just stands there and takes it. A flood of color rushes to his cheeks. The waiter’s mouth hangs open in shock.

I look at the bus boy and smile. “He told me to do it.”

The waiter leaves laughing to himself and the bus boy is still standing there with the tray of fixings waiting for us to tell us what we want on our baked potato.

“Just so you know, whatever you want me to do back to him, I’m game. Whatever you want. I’ll do it.” I say grinning to the bus boy. “Think about it, don’t need to tell me now. When you know, just come tell me and I’ll do it.”

A few minutes later he comes back and says, “I’ve got good news.”

“My meal is free?” I ask.

“No.”

“Tom Welling is here?” I ask.

“No.”

“You’ve got chocolate for me?”I ask again.

“Not now, I’ll give you those at the end of the night.” he responds.

I sigh. “Well, I give up. Tell me.”

“He hates, HATES having ice down his back.” He grins mischievously.

“I’m on it. Get me a glass of ice.”

I wrap some ice in a napkin on the chair beside me and wait for the opportunity to present itself.

Just after we finish dinner, I call the waiter over to take my plate. He turns his back and I quietly and quickly follow him, pull open the back of his white shirt and toss some ice down his back.

“Ahhh…. I HATE ice down my back! I hate it!” he squeals… He turns to the bus boys and says, “You’re a bad, bad boy!”

I roar laughing and sit back down. The bus boy is cracking up and the waiter is trying his best to maintain his dignity all the while wiggling his back while the ice slides down. He heads to the kitchen to remove the ice.

Being the queen of overkill, I prep the next batch of ice in my napkin.

The waiter was a good sport about it all.

After dessert, which was the bestest, fluffiest, cheesecake with fresh strawberries on it, we got our bill.

We left a huge tip and as I walked out I thanked the waiter. When he had his back turned cleaning our table and picking up his tip, I spin around and put more ice down his shirt.

hehehe…. Such fun.

Since it was Ryan’s turn to plan the date, we went for a movie after… *shocker* cuz that’s all we ever do. Heaven forbid if we do anything else. *sigh* So we went to go see Death Race with Jason Statham.

Now I like this movie. It was action packed, there was not a moment that didn’t go by that something wasn’t been blown up or fists were flying. I loved it…. until the end. Great movie then the ending just kills it. Bleh… These writers need a slap. It blew goats. They definitely could have written a waaaay better ending.

Yes, it’s that time once again to rail, rant and rave about all the idiotic drivers in front of me.

1. If you see the merge sign… MERGE!!!! Don’t Yield! Don’t Stop! Just speed up and merge!!! If you don’t know how to do that, take a drivers ed course.

2. Pick a lane. Either the left or the right, just not the middle. Stick to one lane. If you’re swerving all over the place I’m gonna think you’re drunk and I’ll call the cops on you.

3. Set your cruise or stay at the same speed. Seriously! There are posted speed limits. Either go faster or at least try to meet the speed limit. If you are going slower than the posted limit, stay off the road.

4. If you ARE driving the speed limit stay to the right. There’s always someone that’s going faster and the speeders get the left lane.

5. Do you not notice all my bumps, dings and scratches on my van? Ya, that’s right. I’m coming, so get the hellz bellz out of my way or your vehicle will be leaving some marks on my van as well.

6. Pay attention when you come to a 4 way stop. Know when it’s your time to go. Ya, YOU! When all 3 other drivers are staring at you, guess what! oohhh… it’s your turn! GO!

7. Don’t pull out in front of me from a side road as I’m flying down the road you want on! What are you thinking? Wait until I’ve passed before you try to zip in front. Now I’ve got to slam on my brakes so I don’t kiss your bumper.

8. There is something called a 3 second car space rule. Use it. Just because I’ve left space between the other car in front of me doesn’t mean that it’s your spot.

9. Don’t pass me and then slow down. Keep moving…. faster… much faster…. or I’ll be playing bumper tag with you.

10. They invented signal lights for a reason. USE THEM! I need to know if you’re going left or right so I’m not wasting my time trying to figure out what the freak you’re doing!

11. IF I let you in front of me a courtesy wave is nice and expected. If you don’t wave a ‘thank you’ I’ll be regretting letting you in cuz you’re already going too slow.

Sincerely,
Joanne

I usually say things without thinking before I speak. It’s a horrible problem and I’m trying to really work on my tone and be careful what I say to people, but I usually always slip.

My kids were getting their helmets adjusted at this bike fair. A cop was adjusting Luke’s 1st helmet. I was just chatting with him and asking him about his job.

“So what made you decide to be a police officer?” I asked.

“Oh I’m a peace officer. I’m not a policeman.” He replied.

I laughed. “Oh…. so you’re like a wanna be cop. A ticket writer, but they don’t give you a gun. You get like a stick or something, cuz you’re not official, just like a cash cow generator huh.” My words spewed out of my mouth sarcastically and quickly. As I saw the reaction of his face I realized what I had said.

Oops.

He stammered about, very annoyed and I just kept my mouth shut and smiled cuz I realized what I said. He turned and got someone else to help me with Luke’s helmet. So I must have REALLY pissed him off.

This is exactly what I feel about these stupid Sheriffs and Peace officers. They’re not cops. They probably don’t go through the same rigorous tests as real police officers. They just run around handing out tickets. They annoy the hell out of me and I don’t like them. I totally see them as a cash cow revenue generator. They’re not solving crimes, just handing out tickets in their fishing holes.

Still…. shouldn’t have said that.
*******************
We were going out with friends to dinner and then a play for her husbands law firm. My friend and I were discussing what we were to wear to this event. After both of us agonizing as to what to wear, she told me what she was wearing and I said I would dress similar. So it was to be dress, but not gala style.

I go pick her up, cuz we are car pooling in and meeting our hubs in Calgary.

I take one look at her dress and I know I’m way over dressed.

*ARG*

She gets in the vehicle and she says, “Oh wow! Nice dress.”

I start apologizing profusely.

“I’m soooo sorry! Let me swing back home to change. My dress is waaaay nicer than yours and I’m too over dressed.”

As I see her facial expression I once again know that I’ve opened my mouth too big.

*********************

I’m at a clients place and I’m handing a plump employee in her 50’s the cord for the mini dvd player so she can plug it in.

She gets down under the desk and is on her knees finding the plug in.

“I like this.” She says.

Without thinking I blurt out in a sarcastic tone. “You like being on your knees huh? Are you on your knees a lot at work?” I smirk and giggle to myself cuz I’ve just now envisioned this in my mind.

-silence-

Oh crap. Did I actually say that out loud?

I look at her face. Yep. I did. Shiz.

Her male co-worker is trying not to laugh.

At a loss as to how to recover from that I just busy myself with turning on the DVD. Thankfully, I didn’t say anything else stupid the rest of that meeting… and they ended up buying the advertising.

“Mom, who’s your boyfriend?” Mya asks innocently.

“Daddy.” I reply.

She crinkles up her nose. “That’s silly! He’s daddy. Who’s your boyfriend?”

“Daddy is my boyfriend.” I repeat.

“Why?” Mya asks confused.

“I ask myself that question all the time. ” I respond dryly.

She thinks for a little bit, then pipes up “Daddy is a turd.”

I just laughed and agreed with her.

Coming from a 4 year old this just makes me laugh.

*******
We finished dinner and Laura lets out a huge burb.

We all look at her. She grins and says sweetly, “That’s the sign that the tank is full!”

These are my favorite muffins. I love them. So moist, yummy and full of blueberries!

1/2 cup butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 cup sour cream
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups sifted all purpose flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 1/2 cups blueberries, if frozen do not thaw.

Cream butter and sugar, add eggs, mix well.

Mix sour cream and vanilla.

Add to dry ingredients alternately with egg mixture. Mix.

Stir in the berries.

Bake at 400F for 35 - 30 min. Makes 24 muffins.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Look at that gorgeous jaw line. Damn. Seriously, this guy is a GOD!

I turn on the computer to watch the 8th Season of Smallville and what do my eyes behold? Tom. Tom. Tom. Everything is all about the man. They have him wet, dirty and fighting. HOTNESS!

Good Lawd almighty. I love this episode. He’s just jaw dropping hot. I just get a silly, goofy grin on my face when I watch him. Wow. Mesmerizing. Totally and completely. Just when I think this guy can’t get any hotter… WHAMO! He rocks my eye balls and makes me squeee….

Hot damn! I love Smallville for putting Tom Welling on the screen.

Sleeping Tom. So yummy. This just makes me want to crawl up and lay my head right on his chest and snuggle in. Holy!

I Love watching him fight. He threw a lot of punches this show and I was thrilled! THRILLED! Fighting is sexy.

I love Tom’s green eyes. They are just the ‘loose yourself in his eyes’ kind.

Good grief, I need to take a cold shower. This episode was just so hot! If this is an indication of what Season 8 is going to be like, I’m soooo excited!

Me: Mya, you’re driving me crazy! Stop it!
Mya: No, I’m not! You’re not driving anymore, you’re just standing there.

******
I was pulling muffins out of the oven and Mya was watching intently.

“I know why you have to wear oven mitts when you take stuff out of the oven.” She says seriously.

“Why?”

“Cuz if you didn’t you’d be saying, “OWWA WEE WAA!” She responds seriously.

************
The difference between boys and girl.

“How was school today Mya?” I asked.
“Not good.” She says hanging her head down dejectedly
“How come?”
“I didn’t learn anything today.” She sighs.

“How was school today Brandon?” I asked.
“Not good.” He says.
“Why? What happened?”
“I did too much work at school today.” He grumbled.

************
I don’t remember if I posted this or not, but my sister-in-law reminded me of this the other day.

So my sister-in-law’s husband, Tyler, is very, very scared of spiders. Mya learned of this and was coaching him on how to over come his fear and deal with the spiders in their house.

“All you do is you catch them by their legs. You put them in a clean jar, then make sure you put on the lid tightly.” Mya says seriously.

“That’s what I should do?” Tyler asks.

“Yes,” she looks around then whispers in his ear, “AND THEN you take the jar and hide it under your bed so your mom and dad don’t see it!” She whispers seriously.

Everyone has ups and downs in their life.

Right now I’m on a down.

Dave had once said this to me, “Remember who you are and what you stand for.”

The younger version of me would have piped the answer to that statement with utmost surety….

“I am a child of God. I stand for truth and righteousness.”

Now I don’ t know who I am or what I stand for. I’m just rejecting everything.

Thinking about that statement now just makes me almost cry. I hate to cry. I’ve been so angry for so long that it has taken a toll on me. I do everything with intensity. I love with as much passion as I hate. I’ve been so upset for the longest time that I’m just exhausted.

I’m at this weird point in my life where I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I stand for anymore. Everything is up in the air and seems to be crashing down on me. I’m struggling to keep afloat.

Everyone around me asks what’s the matter, cuz once they see me in person my eyes don’t lie. I just blame it on being tired. This is why I avoid people. I hate the questions of why I’m not the way they normally see me. I’m not my crazy, hyper, outgoing, silly self. I channel all that energy for work. Just cuz I need to.

I’m exhausted at home. When I’m on the phone I can channel that energy as well since I can cut a conversation short if it becomes too taxing for me.

I was talking to my friend/boss. She was asking how things were going and she saw through the BS “I’m tired” line.

We talked about guys and relationships. She is going through a very bitter divorce that has lasted a good 4 years now. She is gorgeous and has been dating a lot of guys. She can pick up guys like crazy and she has a numbers game she likes to play. How many guy’s numbers she can get. She gets tonnes. She never calls them, it’s just a fun game she plays with her other single friends. It’s really quite funny. She needs to write a book on picking up guys. I’ve seen her in action and she’s amazing!

She said she was looking for that feeling she had in her 20’s. That starry eyed, ‘he-can-do-no-wrong’, we’ll live happily ever after feeling, the intense butterflies, the ‘I worship the ground he walks on’ feeling.

I told her not to bother, cuz that’s just a 20 year old thinking. I told her that I thought that too, but then you get cynical and jaded as you get older and you begin to realize that no one is perfect. There is no happily ever after. No one is perfect. There is no rose colored glasses. Everyone is going to eventually annoy the hell out of you, it is just whether or not you can put up with it or not is what it boils down to.

I also told her she won’t be able to feel that anymore cuz she’s got a wall built up because of the divorce and the hurt she’s been through. She will always hold someone at arms length cuz she’s afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of letting anyone in, cuz they may hurt her again. You can’t have a relationship with walls built up. It will always be lacking in some way.

Sure you may let someone in part of the way, but you’ll never expose yourself as you once did. As you grow older and go through life this happens. The lucky ones are able to break the wall down, but most cannot. She said she hated living like that. I told her she can break down the wall, she just has to be willing to let herself be exposed and take the chance that she’ll get hurt again.

I’ve always held people at arms length. After growing up in crazy family life, it’s what I had to do to survive. Cuz really, how many times can one person take being told that they are hated and they are not worth it to be alive. Especially with a knife held to your throat. I mean really.

For Mya’s 4th bday, I stayed up until 4am making cupcakes with icing grass and little pink fondant flowers on them. It was really pretty and it tasted as yummy as it looked. I brought them into the pre-school that morning.

The pre-school teacher just looked at me in shock.

“You know, I really shouldn’t say this to you, but I know you can take it, so I’m going to say it,” she starts….

Now I’m leary cuz I don’t see how this is going to be a pleasant conversation. I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with this kind of banter either. I hate having to defend myself or my actions. I also hate it when people give me a hard time.

“I’m just so jealous of you! Look at you, you’ve had 5 kids and you look like THAT! You have absolutely no tummy! Your belly is totally flat.” She comes over and rubs her hand on my tummy. “You’re skinny. You’re beautiful. You’ve got gorgeous hair. You’ve got a great job, a wonderful family, a devoted and very good looking husband. AND you have the time to make THESE!” She spits out as she points to the cupcakes.

“You’re just perfect!” She says this sweetly, with disgust and jealousy in her voice, she tops it off with a smile on her face.

I wince at the word perfect.

I just shake my head. “Please. I don’t think so at all. I’m not perfect. I’m no where near perfect. It’s all smoke and mirrors. I may be skinny, but I’ve just got a ton of mental issues. I’m hard to handle, I’m a cow, Cruella De Vill, an annoying, spoiled little brat and too many mental issues that you should thank your lucky stars you don’t have. I may look like I’ve got it all, but I don’t. Believe me. You don’t want to be in my shoes. Thank you for thinking that I’m beautiful, but I’m not. I’m messed up. Seriously. It’s not what you think. Just because I look the way I do doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues. Appearances are deceiving.” I say wearily and dryly, giving her a tense smile. I walk towards the door to escape this conversation.

She babbles on about how “perfect” everything is, but I’ve tuned it out and I’m half way through the door. I smile and tell her the next time I’ll bring her some burnt cookies so she won’t think I’m so perfect.

This bothers be greatly. I just never know how to respond or how to validate other people so they think they are awesome. I’m usually shocked and I’m stammering about trying to downplay everything.

She’s done this to me before, gushing to the other moms as to how beautiful I am and how I’m so busy yet, I still do all these, “amazing things.”

It just makes me so uncomfortable and very embarrassed, cuz I’m sure the other moms are looking at me thinking that this teacher needs to get her eyes checked cuz I think I look like a hag. I usually look for a quick exit and try to end the conversation by bringing out as many negative traits as I possibly can or make a joke out of it.

I just want to find a rock to crawl under and be left alone. I’m in such a reclusive mode right now. I’m avoiding as many people as possible and trying to only see the people I have to.

Since the deer incident, I have been driving a small little Susuki Swift of Ryan’s dad. He had given it to Ryan to get it fixed before he sold it.

It’s a small little standard and I quite like it. I love speed and I forgot how much I like to drive small standard cars, cuz they are so zippy. I zip in between other cars and around corners. I’m always trying to see how fast I can go around a corner without popping up on 2 wheels.

I also like to drive standard vehicles. It gives me something to do and helps me concentrate on driving more. I have a tendency to let my mind wander while driving an automatic. Shifting makes me focus and it gives my hand something to do besides holding the wheel.

Whenever I drive, the road becomes my race track and I’m racing against myself or other cars. I love to see cars weaving in and out as they pass each other on the road. It’s like ballet to me. So beautiful and fluid.

We were driving into Calgary to go to the Marble Slab, I was behind Ryan and the boys so I was trying to catch up since they had a good 10 min. head start on the girls.

Ryan’s dad calls up Ryan: “Did I just get passed by my own car as if I was standing still?”

hehehe….. When Ryan told me this I just look at him wide eyed and said innocently, “What?!? Where did he see me? I was driving my normal 120km speed. What’s wrong with that? (The speed limit on the highway is 110km, so 10k over is not a big deal to me since if I was in my mini van I’d normally be flying at 150km, but this little car is gutless.)

“The speed limit was 80k.” Ryan looks at me wearily.

“Oh…….. Well, I was just trying to catch up. Geez, what’s he doing out here anyway?” I grumble, slightly annoyed that his dad told on me.

I turn to head downstairs, I’m trying to hold back my mischievous grin. I can turn any car into my own personal race car. Zoom, zoom.

After frustration builds, then anger… then…. what? Apathy?

Right now I’m at the apathy part I guess.

We had a big talk on Sunday. Didn’t make it to church cuz we just lay in bed and talked like we used to do.

“Things were better before you went to work.” Ryan says.

“Why? Cuz I used to dote on you and I was always around to be at your beck and call?” I replied.

“Yes,” he says seriously.

He knows somethings wrong. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve stopped talking. I’ve stopped smiling. I told him I’m on the verge of divorce. I left the part out that if we were loaded, I’d already be gone. I’m saving now. I can’t stand living like this.

Mya left the door open to the garage. Luke seeing the opportunity, took off down the road, the neighbors called the cops and they took him to the station. I was looking for him and the neighbor told me he was at the cop shop. So I called Ryan cuz I wanted him to come home to watch the other 2 so I could go in and grab get Luke without the other 2 kids hanging off me and creating a ruckus. He says, yes, he can be home in 10 min. He then calls me back 1 min later and tells me to get someone else to come over cuz he’s too busy. Too busy? Too busy for his son and family?!? I called a friend to help out.

After I picked up Luke from the police station, I called him to fill him in on what happened. I get 2 sentences into what happened and he cuts me off and says, “I’ve got to go.” and hangs up. Furious I throw the phone across the room. When he got home at 9:30pm I ask him why he had to go so suddenly. “Oh, there was a customer in front of me. I was busy.”

That infuriated me even more. I clenched my jaws and glared. I didn’t say a word. He doesn’t even care about his own damn family anymore. He doesn’t even care about his kids. From the time I talked to him at noon until 9:30pm he didn’t have the decency to call and find out how things were or fill me in that he’d be late and why he’d be late…. again.

“What?” He looks at me in wonderment as to why I’m upset. He’s an idiot. “If you were at work and I called, you wouldn’t talk to me.” He tries to reason with me.

“Actually, I would. I would WANT to know what the hell happened, because he’s my SON and I CARE about him!” I hissed. “I would have stopped everything and listened to what happened. I wouldn’t care if a damn customer was in front of me, I would have went somewhere so I could hear you. I would listen!”

“Just so you know. If you died, work wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t give a rats ass. Sure, they’d be sorry, but they can always hire someone else. Your family…. YOUR KIDS would care. They are the ones you are neglecting. They see you for all of 5 min at the end of the day…. if they even see you at all! Work can wait. The papers will always be there. There will always be another customer…. but your family needs you. The kids miss you. I don’t understand why you don’t see that? Why don’t you get that!?! They are growing up so fast! Look at their pictures and you can tell. When they are teenagers they won’t care where the hell you are. They care now! They WANT to be around you now. You’re making it very obvious to them and me that you don’t want to be around. That’s how it looks like to us. You need to get your priorities figured out.” I explained to him. Anger, resentment and hurt flew to the surface.

He didn’t say anything like always.

I’m so sick of this crap. So done. Everyday it just gets worse. How the hell am I suppose to last another 16 years living like this? I need out. I’ve got to figure out another way. I can’t stand living like this.

Somewhere

Anywhere

I want to escape. To get away. There are so many travel deals happening right now. I need to figure out where I want to go on my solo trip. I really would like to go to New Zealand. It looks like an adventure seekers adrenaline playground. I just need time away. Responsibility. Bleh. I hate it. I’m too damn responsible.

I haven’t been at work for 4 days, since the stupid deer incident and I’m getting antsy. On one hand I welcome the break cuz I’ve been cleaning heavily around here. On the other I miss work and I have so many things I have to do, that I need to get back.

Today I went down to the park and played with the kids. I love the sun. I need to get out more. I think that is my problem. I’m cooped up in the house too much. I’m an outdoors person. I love being outside. Being inside is depressing.

I love the smell of fresh hay being cut. I love the smell of fall. All the leaves are turning colors. Fall is my favorite season. It reminds me of cross country running. Feeling the burn in my lungs. Feeling the dry throat and mouth. Smelling the leaves. The leaves crunching under my running shoes. The adrenaline pumping through my body.

Some cowboy rode his horse through town today. How awesome is that? Gotta love cowboys.

I wish everyone at church would leave me the hell alone. I’m on the inactive list now. Haven’t been at church in 2 months. Everyone and their dog is coming by to “visit” to “see how I’m doing.” I’d be doing even better if everyone would just leave me alone. I want to be left alone. Why can’t people understand that?

Probably cuz I’m so outgoing, people don’t see the reclusive side of me. No one knows the quiet side. I avoid people when I’m sad, quiet and reflective. I’m barely keeping my head above water and I’m almost drowning. I’ve got a few goals in mind and that’s what keeps me going. I’ve fully retreated into my own world. Reality is no longer an issue. I’m safe and content in my own world. No one is allowed in.

People are calling wanting to come over to “help.” The do-gooders in society who feel the need to reach out and “help.” Do service. Acts of kindness. Charity. Help me so they can feel better about themselves that they’ve been Christlike. I don’t need little Miss Perfect Molly coming to “help” me so she can gossip about it later in church. Thanks, but no thanks.

I don’t need it. If I want help I’ll ask for it. Right now people just need to leave me alone. I’ve been avoiding calls and yet people still stop by. I need a solid door so I can have a peep hole to look through. Damn glass on my door. Always gives me away.

I only have a couple really good friends that I call up if I need something. I’m very picky about who I let around me. Even those that are around me, never know the real me. I have a lot of acquaintances. A lot of people know me or know of me. I’m always very surprised when I go somewhere and introduce myself, the same thing comes out of people’s mouths, “Oh! I’ve heard of you…..” then they go on to tell me how they’ve heard of me. Usually because of my activities I put on or by my crazy kids.

I’m not in the mood to be social. I’m happily standing alone in the corner looking out the window.

Get out of my space.

I’m a very get the hell out of my space person. I hate it when someone stands too close to me or gets in my face. If I want them there I’ll let them stay. If I don’t, I’ll tell them to get the hell out of my space and I’ll draw an imaginary box with my finger. “See this? This is my space. You’re trespassing. Get out, before I flip out!” Then I’ll take a step back. Too many people infringe upon my space.

I know I’m guilty of that myself. I’m always stepping in people’s space when I’m happy or hyper. That’s probably why people think it’s ok to crowd me cuz I’m always in their face. I’m not happy right now. I need to have time to myself. I need my space.

My friend was talking to me asking how things were going. I told her I was done. She understood cuz we have similar marital situations and similar things happen to us. So she says, “Don’t give up! It says in the scriptures, ‘Men are, that they may have joy.”

I snap back, “Exactly! Men! It talks about MEN. No where does it say, “Women are that they may have joy.” It’s always about the men! Sure they have joy cuz WE do everything for them and dote on them. Of COURSE they’ll be happy cuz we’re their damn slaves! I’d be happy too if all I did was show up now and then and not have to lift a finger around the house! Have dinner ready for you, everything all la-dee-da! They left out the part that says ‘Women are, that they may be miserable.’ ”

So I was working the box office the other day and some guy comes in with his friend.

He looks at me and keeps staring. Doesn’t look away. When it’s his turn he walks up and say, “Hi! It’s my birthday today.”

“Happy Birthday! Ohh, coming to see a movie for your birthday, how fun! What a great gift. What are you seeing tonite?” I reply enthusiastically.

“Actually, I’d like you as my birthday gift. You’d make a great birthday gift. Can you be my birthday gift?” He then turns to his friend and says, “I’d like her as my gift! I’d like to unwrap her!”

My eyebrows shoot up and I look at his friend, “So what movie are you taking him to?” I ask now ignoring the birthday boy who is staring and smiling at me. His friend tells me what they are seeing. As I print up the tickets birthday boy now continues with the banter, “Can you please come and watch this movie with me? It would make my day. You’d be a great gift for me….” He keeps rambling on, but I’ve tuned him out and have fully ignored him now.

“Looks like your friend has been hitting the sauce for his birthday huh?” I say with a smile as I hand the tickets to the friend. I then turn and walk out of the box office since there was no one else in line and head towards the office.

Birthday boy shouts after me, “Please? Be my gift? Come on it’s my birthday.” His friend is pulling him toward the theatre. He keeps talking, but I’m far enough away that I don’t hear any other stupidity that is coming out of his mouth.

He must have been drunk. I make a mental note of what theatre they are in and make sure I’m not around to say goodbye to people when that theatre gets out so I can avoid birthday boy.

Seriously though… WTH? Who does that?

Sitting in the box office is my favorite job next to door (ripping tickets.) It’s fun, casual relaxed or it’s fast paced if there is a line up. I like to chat to the customers, I like the pace, it’s always different and new. I love my job. Absolutely love it. It fits in perfectly with my personality, it’s the same yet different everyday. I can be serious, or silly and goofy and it’s all ok. Being at a job that requires me to be serious all day just kills me. I’m always goofing around with the kids or singing or dancing or playing practical jokes on the kids. I’m teasing them and just having fun at my job.

I’m the hiring/firing manager and the kids know when I’m serious and when I’m playing around with them. I’m always nice to them, but if they step out of line I’ll pull them aside and have a serious talk to them. They say that when I’m mad my eyebrows raise a lot. I didn’t know that about myself, but it’s true. I’ll get very calm, serious, I stop smiling and my eye brows raise. I never yell at them or be mean to them. If I get really upset I’ll just go to the office for awhile to defuse.

The kids don’t like the door, but I love it. I keep telling the girls it’s the best spot cuz you get to check out the hot guys coming up to give you a ticket, see if they are all acha cha cha, you get to flirt with them and then send them on their way. It’s s great. I’ll tell that to the boys too, but of course play up the hot girl angle. They don’t like it because they are away from the rest of the group and the camaraderie that goes on behind concession.

I think I’ve got the best job that I’ve had thus far. I love working days and selling advertising. I love the freedom of coming in whenever I want and leaving when I want. I love the nights and dealing with the rush of people, the chaos of everyone coming at once to see their show, the calmness of the concession area after everyone is in their movie. It’s great. So much fun to be had.

There are always hot motorbikes that are parked outside the theatre for me to gawk at. I saw an Aprilla the other day. It was snazzy - Red and silver. I found the driver and told him so as I walked by to look at it again. People are always in a good mood and on occasion we have to deal with an unhappy customer, but most people are just very happy to be here and escape for the hour and half.

I love that I can have quick conversations with people. I don’t have to entertain people for long because they are either coming or going. Sure there is craziness, things break down, stuff happens, but at the end of the day, I love my job.

Every month we do a little staff party for all the kids at the theatre. We usually just let them play Xbox on the big screen and watch a movie after the public leaves the building. They end up playing hide and seek in the dark, eat pizza, and goof around.

This time I thought it would be fun to play laser tag. Just cuz I wanted to and hey, who wouldn’t want to be able to shoot their manager? hehe…

So we booked the Ironman game at LaserQuest. So much fun! 30 min of fun, 1 sec. down time. We had the entire place to ourselves. There were a couple of hard core laser tag guys who joined our group as well. I love running around, finding all the kids and shooting them. It was a blast. Jodi and I found a great spot by the up ramp and the catwalk. We staked out the place and covered each others back. We pegged people off running around the bottom and got them as they were trying to run up. This one kid kept jumping and swerving left and right when ever we tried to shoot him. We still got him and he just looked ridiculous swerving so much. Jodi and I killed ourselves laughing all night long.

In the end, we marched out to see our score and I ended up being 2nd. Whoo hooo! I was right behind Mr. I play laser tag all the time. Yipee-ki-yay Motherfather! I was just so pumped. I like laser tag. It’s a blast.

The kids are suggesting paintball next. I would LOVE to take them out to do that, but I don’t think the boss is keen on spending that much money on them. It’s $30/person.

I want to go paint balling so bad! I had booked a date to go, but then all my friends backed out for what ever stupid reason/excuse. They all suck and I told them so. I’m so annoyed that I don’t have more adventurous, fun friends. I’m tired of being the fun, crazy one all the time. I need a partner in crime to play with who isn’t so busy and who wants to play with me. I wish there was an adrenalin junkie group I can join. I gotta find one.

I asked Laura what she wanted to do for her extra curricular activity outside of school this year.

“I want to take Karate or Tae Kwon Do” she calmly replies.

Josh is standing beside her listening to our conversation.

She then turns to him and in a calm, yet deadly voice says, “And YOU are going to be my punching bag.” Then she gives him this evil grin.

Josh’s jaw drops and his eyes grow wide as saucers. “MOM!!!!”

I just laughed and assured him she’s just kidding.

Laura just smiles and shrugs then hisses in his direction, “I’m not. Kiya!” she says as she saunters off.

“MOOMMM!” Josh wails.

hehehe… The fun never stops.

I love that my girls are very tough, yet very soft. They are so fabulous.

Laura is just drop dead gorgeous. She gets prettier and prettier every year. I just stare at her and marvel at this amazing child I’ve been blessed with. She is beautiful on the inside and on the outside. She’s so mature for her age, so sweet, so wonderful, very helpful and just a joy to be around. She has Ryan’s personality with a little of mine mixed in as well. I’m just so glad I kept her. Everyone who meets her remarks on her wonderful personality and her sweet disposition. I’m so scared she will be taken away from me too early because she is so good. The other 4 are hellions and they’ve got a lot of life lessons to learn. This one. This one is very different. I cherish her and adore her.

Mya, my 3 year old is a hoot. She is full of piss and vinegar. Out of all my kids her personality matches mine the most. She says the funniest things, she’s as tough as nails, yet she’ll explode into tears if she’s too frustrated. She can take out the boys and hold her own. She speaks her mind all the time and she’s as stubborn as hell. She can be so sweet and caring, yet if you cross her she’s smart enough to cause hell, yet avoid getting in trouble for it. She’s very imaginative and talks to herself all the time.

*sigh* So I adore this child, but at the same time get very frustrated with her.

We are walking into Walmart the other day and I look down to grab her hand as we are walking across the parking lot. I stop dead in my tracks and stare at her in disbelief. I obviously didn’t check her over before we left the house.

“What?” She asks.

She’s got on her white old navy t-shirt that is stained from chocolate milk from this morning, her pink pants that have grass stains on the knees and are a little too short for her. Her pink Dora shoes are on the wrong feet and she has jam still smeared on her face from snack. To top it off she is wearing pink, orange and green swimming goggles. Her mousy brown hair is messy and flying all over the place struggling to break free from the strap that is holding the goggles to her head.

She looks like a homeless child.

“Mya…. why do you have goggles on?” I ask.

“I like them.” She responds quickly and simply.

“Take them off! They look silly. They are for the pool, not for going to Walmart.” I calmly respond.

“No, I LIKE them. They are my special glasses and I’m wearing them.” She adamantly replies.

*sigh*

“Fine, just don’t lose them in the store.” I smile and look at her.

We continue on into the store. She is happily skipping along just content with her little world, pumped over her swimming goggles. She looks absolutely ridiculous, yet she has no clue she looks as funny as she does. How awesome is that? I wish I had a camera to capture the moment.

This girl rocks my world.

Whenever I drive and she’s my back seat driver.

She’s always yelling at me to go faster or just to “GO!” She’ll yell at the other cars in front of us to get out of the way and tell me to go “FASTER!!!”

She says the funniest things all the time and I really need to start carrying around a note pad cuz I constantly forget 1/2 the things she says and how she says things. She is such an outspoken, crazy little girl.

She’ll look at me and say, “Mommy, you’re so beautiful! I love you!” Then she’ll give me a hug.

The other day Brandon pissed her off so she punched him in the eye.

Brandon complained, “Mya punched me in the eye mom!”

Mya sighs and says very annoyed, “I said sorry!”

She totally didn’t. I was right there. She does this a lot. If she gets mad, she’ll throttle the boys, then simply look at them and say, “sorry.” Then walk away.

When she gets in trouble she just looks all shocked that she’s in trouble and says, “Well, I SAID SORRY!!!!”

I have to try so hard not to laugh at her. I love the fact that she’s tough as nails, yet when you get down to it she’s really a softy.

One day she is caring around a glue stick. I eye it suspiciously.

“Mya, what are you doing with that glue stick?” I ask.

“Oh, I was just putting my picture up.” She says matter of factly. “Here, I’m done. You can have it now.”

“Where did you put your picture?”

“On the wall.” Is her reply.

“Which wall?” I ask dreading the answer.

“Come see it! It looks great!” She proudly answers.

She leads me over to their playroom, which is the space under the stairs. We had a door installed and turned it into the kids fort. She points to the wall. “See?”

“Oooohhh, very nice Mya! Ok, that’s fine. Just don’t be sticking your pictures up with glue anymore ok? Just come and ask me for a tac.” I’m relieved that it’s not upstairs. I don’t care what they do to the inside of their playroom/fort. Sheesh, that girl is creative.

In RS a couple of months ago, the RS President stood up and shared this quote from I forget who, but I like the quote.

“Church isn’t a place for perfect people to go to learn of perfect things, church is a school for sinners.”

I haven’t been to church in 2 months. Holidays, working and tiredness stopped me from going. Sitting for 3 hours kills me and numbs my brain. It’s so hard to control 5 kids in sacrament and either Ryan or I end up walking the halls. I teach Sunday school now for the 13 year olds. It’s my new calling. I like it. I’ve only taught them once, then I’ve been gone the entire time since. I always love RS though. I find it is always filled with insightful things that I mull about all week long.

I need to work on my spiritual self. It is greatly lacking and I feel it. It probably why I’ve been so miserable lately. The gospel brings me a lot of happiness and I can always feel it when I’ve stepped too far away from the Lord. Right now I feel like I’m on one side of the Grand Canyon and the Lord is on the other. I become much more calm, happy and content when I have a close relationship with Him. It’s severely lacking right now.

I always wonder why I just don’t pick up the scriptures and read it more. Why I don’t pray more. I know prayer is very powerful and if I want something, I can pray for something and I usually get it. I’m starting to recognize when my prayers are answered now. Before I used to think it was fluke.

I don’t know why I’ve stepped away so far for so long. I used to be Miss Molly Mormon. A little ray of sunshine and a little missionary to all my friends. Now I’m a little dark cynical rain cloud, the wicked witch of the west, Cruella DeVill. What happened to me?

Is it because I can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made? I think it’s probably because I don’t believe the Lord loves me. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that with all the millions, billions and jabajillions of people in the earth that I matter or that I make a difference or that He loves me. There are so many uber amazing people out there. Who am I? I’m the annoying child He rolls His eyes at and probably thinks, “When will she ever learn?”

Self worth has always been a struggle for me. I just don’t believe anyone could love me. Does it stem from childhood? Probably. My mother was brutal. She always told me that she wished I was a boy. She wished she had a boy not a girl. She would tell me stuff like, she found me on the side of the road and that she should bring me back there cuz she didn’t want me. She always told me that she wished I had blue eyes like my dad, that I wasn’t as smart as my older step-brother, that when I grew up I should be a prostitute cuz that’s all I was ever good for. She would tell me that she wished she could kill me and she wished I would die. On and on and on it went. It’s probably why I’m so hard.

I should probably go into counseling or something. I did. Went in for marriage counseling. We both had individual time as well. I talked about some stuff. I wasn’t ready to talk about other things from my childhood and open up. I stopped going after a few sessions. It just hurt too much. I prefer to bury it. I’m not ready to deal with it yet. Why rip open a wound when it’s scabbed over?

I always try to be conscious about what I say to my own kids. When I’m mad, I tell them to leave me alone and that they are driving me crazy and I need a time out. I never name call them. I’ll call them a monkey or crazy, but never stupid or other hurtful things. I don’t mock them in front of others. I always try to remain positive with them. Being a parent is so hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

I just constantly feel like a failure. I know I do a lot of things well, but there’s always someone who can do it better. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I’ve given up hope that things will get better. I always try so hard at stuff and I just always seem to fall. I can never seem to get things perfect. I usually always say the wrong things and do the wrong things. I’m infamous for putting my foot in my mouth. I’m a bull in a china shop. I don’t usually realize that I’m saying something rude until it come spewing out of my mouth.

I have a love/hate relationship with people. When people meet me, they either love me and think I’m a riot or they hate me and can’t stand me. I really don’t care. I avoid people that are too anal retentive or who don’t have a sense of humor. I love to laugh and goof around. I surround myself with people who are funny. If someone isn’t funny or doesn’t amuse me in some way I lose interest. I don’t want anyone boring around me.

It’s really weird that in a couple pairing, there is always one outgoing, funny person and one quiet reserved person. Why is that? I’ve noticed that recently. With my friends, either the husband is absolutely hilarious and the wife is quiet or the wife is the funny one and the husband is the quiet one. Weird. Why not 2 funny, outgoing people?

I love to people watch. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I could sit in a mall all day and just watch people go by. I love being at the theatre cuz there are so many people coming and going. So many people just to watch. I can usually pick out who is out on a first date. Who’s been together for a long time, who is married, who is still dating, who is lonely, etc. It’s just fascinating to watch people interact with one another.

Looking back on old journals I’ve come to realize that I’ve never loved him. I’ve always been mad, angry and upset at him over something. Friends warned me. Why didn’t I listen? Why can’t I see what’s right in my face? 3 years of dating and I wasn’t happy with him. I was not happy during the 3 years and I was always in turmoil. I was always bored with him. I tried to leave. Almost got out. Almost.

Here I am. 14 years later. Still trying to figure a way out.

Driving home at 1am, 3 deer bounded in front of me. I didn’t even see them coming. I hit the middle one and it clipped my right side of the van. I couldn’t swerve left cuz I would have hit the other one head on. Quite a bit of damage. I had to go fill out a vehicle accident report at the police station cuz damage was over $1000.

Police are so serious. They need to lighten up more. I did get them laughing at the end though.

When I filled out my report, it asked for a description of the offender. I wrote, “brown, 4 legs, 2 ears, 2 eyes a black nose and a tail.”

The cop goes out to check on the vehicle and she comes back asking about my busted tail light on the back left.

“I had a run in with the tree while camping and the tree won.”

She just stares at me blankly.

I just smile. “I was trying to back up into our camping spot. It was pitch black out. I backed into a large spruce tree. If you look closely at it, you can see the sap still. I have issues with inanimate objects. At least pedestrians get out of your way, ya know? ”

I’m just so glad that she didn’t ask about the busted out right mirror. She didn’t ask. I didn’t share. I’m sure she assumed it was part of the deer incident. Nope, backing out of the garage incident. I always park closer to the middle of the garage. Ryan had parked my van so close to the right side. I was late, in a rush. Jumped into the van, threw it in reverse and smash went the right mirror on the side of the garage. Oops.

Inanimate objects get me every time. I also have a huge scratch and dent down the bottom left of my vehicle from one of those stupid concrete blocks they put in parking spots. I forgot it was there, turned left and it smooshed along the side of the van. Thankfully I stopped and then backed up. I didn’t try to force the vehicle through like the last time.

I just don’t care if I have bumps or scratches on my van. It’s a stupid vehicle. It gets me from A-B. It’s not my baby. I call all my scratches and bumps, my ‘racing stripes.’ I think it’s hilarious. Ryan doesn’t share my humor.

Earlier in the evening, I was lamenting to the boss how I was on the verge of divorce. An hour later he comes marching into my office.

“I’ve hooked you up on a date.” He says as he plops down on the other chair.

“Oh ya?” I say as I don’t even look up from searching for files in my filing cabinet.

“Yep, I think you two would get along great too!” He says all proud of himself.

“Great. Did you mention to him I’m married?” I still haven’t looked up from my pile of folders, I’m intently trying to find my interview folder.

“You’ll like him too, he’s really good looking! He’s rich and he used to be a model.” He’s grinning and staring at me intently.

*sigh* I find my file folder and I finally turn to look at him wearily. “Is he Tom Welling hot? Cuz if he’s not, quite frankly I’m not interested.”

“Ya.”

“Have you even SEEN a picture of Tom? Do you even actually know what he looks like? The guy is a GOD. You don’t even know.”

“Ya, well, you talk about him all the time.” He responds.

“Just cuz I talk about him, doesn’t mean I can accurately describe his hotness. You have to see to believe. If you saw him, you’d love him too and consider switching sides.”

“Well, my friend, is as good looking as him.”

“Doubt it. Is he tall? Dark hair? I don’t like blonds. Does he have gorgeous chiseled features?”

“Yep, yep, yep!” He’s getting all excited.

“Well, I don’t believe you. Besides, I’m not interested. I don’t want another jackass. I’m not hooking up or any of that crap. I don’t need more problems. I’ve got enough already. I’m not interested. Not even a little bit. Even if I was divorced, I still wouldn’t be interested. I don’t want to ever get married again. Never, ever. Being married sucks rotten apples. Guys suck. All of them. They are all a bunch of idiots. I don’t need a ball and chain weighing me down….”

“He’s around your age too!” He interrupts my babble.

*sigh*

“Do you even know how old I am?”

“Oh, you’re a lot younger than me aren’t you?” He ponders.

“You’re killing me.”

“He’s a great guy. I think you’d totally hit it off with him. He’s 35….”

“Stop right there. Ya, I’m not interested. Not even a little. Look, IF I was going for a guy, I’m going 10 years younger. I need someone to be able to keep up with me in all aspects of life. I’ve got a lot of energy. I want someone who can keep up with me. I don’t need another speed bump. Forget it. He’s probably damaged and has major issues. Seriously, I’m not interested. Drop it. I’m freakn’ married. I’m unhappily married, but still married nonetheless. I don’t need anymore problems. Thanks, but no thanks. I was just venting earlier, not suggesting you find me a boy toy on the side. This conversation is over.”

He then proceeds to tell me all about this guy. I sit back and let him talk because I must entertain his banter. He talks to me for an hour. He’s a nut. Very energetic and very passionate about everything. I always take him with a grain of salt cuz I never know when he’s serious or teasing me so I just always assume he’s teasing me. He was serious, but he was also testing me. He’s checking to see if I’d cheat.

No, I wouldn’t. I’d feel too guilty. And what’s the point? There is none. In the end, it just leads to more problems, hassles and stress. I’ve got enough of that already. Cheating or picking up a FWB is nothing but a hassle and it hurts everyone involved. They are stupid and senseless.

I’ve already decided what I’m going to do. I’m just going to live my life. Do all the things I’ve always wanted to do. Take control of life and get in the drivers seat instead of passively watching it go by. I’ve emotionally detached myself from Ryan. He’s just a roommate now. Whatever he does, where ever he goes, I don’t care. I just go about taking care of the kids and taking care of me. I’m focusing on work, the kids, the house and planning out crazy, fun stuff for me to do. I’m just burying everything else. I’ve made myself numb.

Financially there’s no point in getting a divorce. I’ve spoken to friends, kids at the theatre, people going through it, people that have gone through it and no one says anything positive. Everything is coming back so horribly negative. I may be stupid and naive about a lot of things, but this I’ve looked into quite extensively. It’s just not worth it. He doesn’t beat me. He’s not a druggie, not an alcoholic. He puts up with my crap. He’s a great friend, but that’s it.

Divorce would damage the kids heavily. Right now we’ve got play money. I don’t want to be struggling. I’m tired of it. 2 houses, trying to coordinate holidays, who goes where. No thanks. I don’t want to play in that nightmare. If we didn’t have the kids I’d be gone. The kids are the only thing that’s holding me to him and he knows it.

He bought me lillies (cuz they are my favorite), chocolates and a card when he showed up at 9pm at night. I was polite, said thank you and had Laura put them in a vase. The kids were hopping all around us so excited for this ’surprise’. The card said the same damn stuff he’s been saying for the past 14 years. The same shiz. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m done. If he really wants to show me he’s sorry, he’ll make it home earlier and help out. The kids see him for all of 30 min. at night.

I’m a quality time person. I need to spend quality time with him or I just start detaching myself. If he doesn’t spend time with me and keeps ignoring me I just slowly stop loving him.

Now don’t get me wrong. I think he’s a great guy. Superb. A great friend. Everyone likes him. They meet him and think he’s just the bees knees and the cats pj’s. They usually like him more over me. Well, they don’t have to live with him. As a husband, I don’t think he’s so great. Is any guy that great? I don’t think so. In the end, they are all the same…. just another immature child. I don’t want another child to take care of. I’ve got 5 thanks.

I’m tired of him acting like a child. Sick of it. I’m not his freakn’ mother. I just feel like his mother instead of his wife. He just expects me to do everything for him.

While we are on vacation he tells me that the “fun Joanne comes out. The closer we get to home the crankier and more upset and difficult I get.” I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Ya, I guess I am fun while on vacation cuz I’m not so stressed and upset at him over his inability to lift a finger and help out. There are maids to clean our room, waitresses to take our dishes off the table, chefs cook our meals, there are no children to take care of, there is no laundry to fold, there are no children to run after, no dishes that need to be done. Everything is left up to me to do.

“Fun Joanne” would come out more if I wasn’t so stressed out all the time. I feel like everything is up to me. I have to decide everything. I’m in charge of everything. When I do ask for help, he doesn’t help. Just stares, blinks and sits. Waits for me to ask 3 or 4 times and freak out before he figures I’m serious enough that I actually want him to do something. I’ll ask him nicely. Please and thank you. It’s ignored. He doesn’t move until I flip out. I’m just tired. I’ve given up. I don’t even ask anymore. If I ask once or twice and he doesn’t do it, I just add it to the list of things I have to do.

My hair is turning white from the tips to root again. Too much stress. It’s even turning white right in the middle of the hair. It will be black on both ends, but white in the middle. I’m gonna turn into Rogue from X-Men.

I just don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in happily ever after. I don’t believe in anything anymore. It’s probably why I hate chick flicks and all those stupid sappy love movies. I just feel it’s a bunch of lies. They are feeding the public lies as to this whole notion of love. It’s crap. All of it. In the end, you’re alone. There’s no one to look to. No one to depend on. No one to help out. It’s just you. All by yourself. All alone. You’d be a fool to think otherwise.

After reading this on the Sunshine website, I’m so buying a pass for here! I’m going. They sold me! This sounds like so much fun! I’m going to see if I can find my whitewater rafting guide. Chris said he works here in the Winter. I’ll get him to give me more lessons.

Mountain Layout—Snowboarding at Sunshine

With three different mountains, tons of vertical feet, and some of the steepest inbound slopes in North America, Sunshine resort should be on every rider’s itinerary while in Alberta.

From the base, grab your gear and run to the high speed gondola. Don’t waste time getting ready in the parking lot, do it in the comfort of the gondola. While enjoying the ride, look up to the left and check out the “Wild West.” Wild is an understatement for this spot. Mandatory cliffs and tight chutes are the only way down once you enter this area. To get here, get out of the gondola at the first stop and keep an eye out for Goat’s Eye. This high speed quad is the preferred lift on powder days for advanced to expert riders. If venturing to the Wild West, first see if it is open. If so, make sure you have an avalanche beacon, shovel, and probe. They are required to get into this restricted area. It probably isn’t a bad idea to check with patrol and find someone who knows where they are going.

If the Wild West seems a little too wild, go right off the Goat’s Eye quad and look for Cleavage. The Cleavage chute is separated by two giant rocks. Once you get through the cleavage just keep going down and head for the small bushes. When covered with good snow, this run has been known to be orgasmic. If more stimulation is desired, hike up the ridge off of Goat’s Eye and check out Renegade, Stampede, or Saddledome. In flat light, these runs can be hairy. There are no easy runs off this lift.

The jewels of Sunshine are off of the Continental Divide Express. After checking in with ski patrol and being equipped with a beacon, shovel, and probe, the “Milky Way” ridge climbs up to the left. The knife edge ridge leads to the Galaxy Chutes, Delirium Dive, and Silver City. The entrances to these chutes are in the 40- to 60-degree range and require expert riding skills. If you fall at the top, you will not stop until 1,000 vertical feet later.

If riding during a storm or white-out conditions check out the Tee Pee Town double chair. A quarter of the way down some small trees will help provide contrast if the vertigo seems to be an issue. However, if it is a blue bird, sunny day, enjoy the Angel Express and the Continental Divide quad as they ascend over wide open mellow bowls.

The Strawberry triple Chair and the Wawa quad go to areas that access a lot of beginner and intermediate cruisers. Both these spots have wide open runs all the way to the base.

The Mount Standish Express (quad) hovers over rolling hills and a small cliff band that runs parallel to the lift. This region resembles one big natural terrain park with hips, cliffs, and rollers all in the same run.

Pipes and parks
The Angel or Continental Divide chairs can access the Roger’s Terrain Park. This park is the best in the Banff area and is meticulously manicured. Three different lines run parallel to each other, and all have a number of tables, kickers, and rail/box features.

So I just got my paycheque working for the past 2 weeks full time. Less hours than what Ryan puts in and my cheque was more than his.

I really don’t know how to handle this. I’m trying to sort through my emotions. I’ve got a mix of them flowing through me right now. Part of me is happy, proud, angry, frustrated, furious and resentful.

I just casually mentioned my cheque amount to him on the phone. I didn’t see his face so I could read him, but I could hear it in his voice. He was a little choked. He congratulated me and I just dropped it, quickly changed the subject and babbled on about something else.

I’m happy and proud, cuz I worked my ass off and I’ve got more than 1/2 the money I need for my bike or my gear paid for.

Now I’m also angry and frustrated cuz I’ve made more than the ball and chain.

Well finally I’ve gotten around to Part 3 of Vegas: Part One and Part Two were done some time ago. I’ve been meaning to write this down, but I’ve been so busy.

This was so much fun. We got a little lost trying to find the place. I let Ryan take directions from the Bishop, but of course Ryan is very vague and didn’t probe for details. I should have talked to the Bishop to get directions. Ah well… So we got lost for a good hour. Dave was getting frustrated and the poor guy was prolly hungry. He stopped and asked for directions on the side of the road from a guy selling something. I was impressed. Ryan never stops, he would have driven around for another hour and found a gas station to which I would have to go in and ask for directions.

We quickly gassed up cuz Dave was on E… and we all know that E stands for “Empty” not “Extra Miles” like Ryan thinks it does… We were off. After traveling for another 30 min. we finally found it. Hooray. The Bishop was just on his qualifying laps. He came in and we ran over to check out his car. The Bishop is so gracious and just such a humble man. I just adore him and respect him so much. He’s the nicest guy ever. He is very generous with his money and is very kind.

We had some lunch at the track. It was all for free! Whoo hoo! I was glad cuz I could tell the boys were very hungry and getting grouchy from the lack of food. A frozen banana dipped in chocolate, a churro and a tortilla with chicken and peppers. It was delicious. I was stuffed!

We watched the Bishop compete in his race. There was this nice black Corvette that spun around the track. I loved watching the race.

I got the first run around in the car. I was so pumped. I tossed on the helmet, buckled up, got instructions as to where to hold on and we were off. I was thrown around for the first little bit as the Bishop warmed up his tires. Warming up his tires consisted of him driving down the track quite quickly and aggressively moving the steering wheel from left to right very hard. I got thrown around quite a bit. Then we spun around the track going 120miles down the straights and 90-100 miles around the corners. It was fun. I think it would be fun to be the driver. I got bored after a couple of laps. It was good, but not like the adrenaline rush like sky diving. Being a passenger is also so passive. Orin did 5 laps around the track with me. It was fun, but I wanted to drive.

After, Ryan went around the track, then Dave, Leslie and finally Kim. Everyone had fun zipping around. Dave and I had a chance to chat a bit. Not as much as I would have liked. Too many people constantly interrupting. I don’t do well with a bunch of people in a crowd. It makes it hard for me to focus.

After everyone had their turn I was so happy everyone got a ride because at first the Bishop said he could only take 3 people. I was so stressed that not everyone could take a ride. Thankfully, Orin’s wife was there to make sure he would take everyone. I was relieved that everyone was able to experience the radical.

After the racing, I was just so relaxed and was so content. I just found a chair and sat in the sun happy as a clam. Some chick came and started babbling to me. I was slightly annoyed cuz I just wanted to sit and relax, maybe take a little snooze. I smiled and was polite, entertained her banter. She wanted to show us her green Lamborghini Gallardo so we went over to take a look. I thought the Bishops yellow Lamborghini Murcielago was way nicer than hers.

We mugged for some pics then said our goodbye’s. There was going to be this amazing appetizer dinner type thing happening and I wish we could have stayed for it, but we had to run back to Vegas to go to Excaliber and go to the tournament of Kings.

On our way back to Vegas this trip went downhill from here.

What the hell is happening to my favorite shows?!? They are turning into these ridiculous chick flicks. They are killing me with their stupid love story themes.

I really like the suspense, drama and blue steel coming from Prison Break. Now it’s all love and mushiness. Gag me with a spoon. I was so happy when PB came out cuz for once there was a show on TV that wasn’t based on a some guy getting all doe-eye over some girl and the story line didn’t revolved around a love story or love triangle of some sort.

Season 1 gave us a tease of a hint of a relationship. It was the perfect amount. PERFECT! Season 2 again teased us. Season 3 they knocked her off. Season 4 they bring her back and they play tonsil hockey way to much. This theme is all about a stupid love story and getting back at the company for hurting his girl. Sure, there are other reasons, but that’s the main one. Oh kill me now. Seriously. Killing me slowly with a spoon. Slowly….Do you know why with a spoon? Cuz it hurts more that’s why!!!!!!! hehehe…

There are cheats in the show and it jumps around too quickly through to get them all together. I just couldn’t get into this season. I just rolled my eyes. The suspense isn’t even suspenseful. This show has jumped shark and I’m annoyed. It’s off my watch list.

Dexter.

If I didn’t love the opening so much I would consider not watching this show too.

This season looks weak. It’s just reaching. I loved Dexter. I loved his complexity, his darkness, his internal struggle, his job, his life. Just love it! After watching the 1st episode I wasn’t impressed. Again my biggest complaint… too much sucking face and porn. Seriously, if I want to watch people screwing I’d walk down to the porn shops. How many times an episode does the guy need to get laid?!? Move along, move along. Show me some stalking and killing. I haven’t given up hope on this show. I’m sure something will happen that will throw his little happy life into a tailspin again.

Now, when is Smallville starting? I know Smallville officially blows goats, but I need some good eye candy. Some mindless show where I don’t care about the story line anymore, just love watching the sexiest man on the planet. Tom could be mowing the grass all day and I’d watch. I don’t even focus on the show, I just watch him. Even when he’s in the background, I’m watching him. All hail Smallville for putting Tom on TV.

Horray for watching shows on-line. I love not having cable, yet being able to watch my shows streaming on line. Much love to those sites that post all the shows so I can watch them commercial free.

I love to screen my calls. Especially when I just want to be left alone. Today is a leave me alone day. I’m tired of dealing with life and I want to retreat so I can gather enough energy to deal with all the crap that is flying about. I feel drained. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I feel like I’ve just given all I can and now I’m tapped. I’m done. I’m tired of dealing with kids, the house, the ball and chain, work, friends, church responsibilities and just life in general. I just want to escape, but I have no way to do so.

Our new neighbors are British and I think they are hilarious. Every now and then when we are both outside they strike up a conversation. He said that in Britain they have 6 weeks holidays. Wow! Here you get 2 if you take them. I need 6 weeks holidays. I need a holiday every month for at least a week straight. Enough time for me to do something, to get bored and be ready to do stuff again.

I love the Viper Suit. I want this and I’m going to talk to the dealership and beg them to bring it in. I’ve looked around on the net and can’t seem to be able to find it anywhere.

I saw THE most gorgeous bike by the theatre the other day. It wasn’t a ninja, the body was different. I’m going to pack around my camera so I can snap a pic of it. The guy was at the gym right beside the theatre. I just gawked and stared with my mouth hanging open. It was black and white, the body design was beautiful and I had never seen the colors blended like that before. It was just eye candy. I couldn’t stop looking at it. I’ve got to stalk the outside of the gym at the same time and day in hopes of seeing that bike again. The guy.. Meh… I could careless, but that bike… OMG… I just love it. I HAVE to see it again.

I was having troubles trying to figure out how to end conversations with guys that I really don’t have time to talk to. When I’m out and about or at work I’m busy and have a lot going through my mind. I really don’t have time to pause to talk, however, it’s always during those times when I get stuck in conversations with guys that I can’t seem to get out. It’s been bothering me cuz I’m busy and I’ve usually got a goal or objective in mind when I’m out and about. So whether I’m at the police station dropping wallets left behind or at the grocery store or at the theatre, I just feel obligated to entertain their banter just to be polite.

For example: It was near closing time and a guy came in to buy a ticket, but all the movies had already started. I went over to close the doors and sympathized/apologized for him missing all the shows. Unfortunately for me, he began to tell me all about his mother, his life story and his job. He just kept going and going and going. I have a million things to do when the theatre shuts down and really don’t have time to talk. I kept trying to end the conversation, but he would keep bringing up something else and asking me 20 questions. *sigh*

Now I know how people feel like when they get into conversations with me.

I was looking around for someone to bail me out of this conversation. I didn’t want to be rude since he was a customer, but I was not interested in anything he had to say. I had on my fake smile and I was sure he could tell, but I couldn’t careless. I was trying too hard to pay attention and to pretend to be interested. I even walked him out the door and he kept talking to me. Finally a brilliant thought came into my head. He asked me what I did after high school. I saw my golden opportunity.

“Well, I went to school and got a photojournalism degree, then I got married, knocked up and pregnant. Basically spent the last 10 years spawning children. I have 5 kids ages 10 and under. My 5 kids keep me really busy. They are really wild and crazy. I can’t believe how expensive they are too!”

LOL… the look on his face was priceless. I don’t look like I have 5 kids so he was shocked. That ended the conversation right there. He just said, “Wow! You must be busy! I can’t believe you have 5 kids.” He mumbled goodbye or something and turned and left.

Thank Gawd. I closed the doors behind him laughing to myself. My boss was in the office.

“Geez! Thanks for bailing me out! Way to leave me there.” I chided him.

“Oh, I thought he was your friend.” He said.

“No! I was trying to get out of the conversation and he wouldn’t shut up! I don’t know the guy from Adam. At least now I know how to get rid of guys I’m not interested in talking to anymore. Just start talking about the fact I have 5 kids and guys just flee.”

“Really? Cuz I love it when women have children. I think it’s sexy.”

I just look at him in shock. “Huh?”

“Well, that just means they put out.”

I just laughed. “I think women that don’t put out are crazy and I don’t understand them.” I respond. “I’m trying to figure it out actually. I’m really curious as to why they don’t love it and are not after it all the time. Weird. I guess, if I was more normal I wouldn’t have so many freakn’ kids.”

So I’m training a new manager so hopefully I won’t have to work these crazy hours. Jodi, the other manager and I get along fabulously. She’s hilarious and constantly makes me laugh. When I get to work I just start laughing and don’t stop until she leaves. She’s a riot. We trash talk quite heavily and the innuendo’s are flying. I’m just having so much fun at work because of her. She always has a hilarious take on things. She has a lot of bark, but not a lot of bite.

I’m always teasing her about her boyfriend who’s 10 years younger than her and how they are having a great time in the sack. When he calls her I’ll scream lewd stuff in the background to him and just be so obnoxious. Everything we say is turned into something that is so inappropriate. We both think it’s hilarious. We keep it in the office or we are whispering and giggling to each other if we are out in public.

For example. She turns and says, “Hey! Where’s the manager cell phone?”
I turn my ass to her and lift my shirt up a bit so she can see it hooked to my waist. “Right here.”
She’ll then exaggerate it and mock me. “Oh, you mean its right here.” And she begins to caress her ass in circles. She’s such a ham.
I’ll squeal out, “Ohhh! Yessss! Right here.” I’ll mimic her motions and we’ll burst into laughter.

The new manager is Mormon. Now I’m talking the anal retentive type that is straight as an arrow. The annoyingly good ones that will go straight to the celestial kingdom and are so good, it’s almost funny. I mean, good for them, but I don’t change how I act just because she’s around. In fact it gives me even more of a thrill cuz everything that comes out of my mouth is shocking to her and her blue eyes grow wide as saucers.

So Jodi and I are goofing around with the new cinnamon air fresheners talking about how we’re gonna go out back and get high on air freshener cuz we get too stressed out from working so much. We turn to the new manager and say, “So wanna come join us?” Her mouth just drops open and her eyes grow wide. We both burst out laughing.

Everything that comes out of our mouths is just silly. We are just totally kidding and not serious about at all. We talk about lesbianism and 3somes and all kinds of trashy stuff. We are totally kidding but it’s fun to get the reaction.

When Jodi was leaving work one day, she kept talking and I needed to get stuff done, so I say, ‘ok, get the hell out of here and go get laid or something. Go rock your man’s world and make him beg for more.’ I look at the new manager and sure enough I’ve got the reaction I wanted. Pure shock and horror spreads across her face. Jodi and I are killing ourselves laughing. The banter goes back and forth for awhile until she leaves.

I walk over to the new manager to give her some instructions, she looks at me all serious and says, “So are you inactive?”
I burst out laughing. “No.”
A few moments pass then she says, “Did you just recently join the church?”
Now this had me laughing until tears were rolling down my cheeks. Mission accomplished.
“Nope been a member since I was 5.” I replied.
“I’ve just never met a Mormon who talked like you do!”
“I’m just a Jack Mormon. I’m going to be punted out of heaven when I die, it’s all good. Just ignore me.” I’m grinning like the Cheshire cat now, just so thrilled with myself and the reaction I’m getting.

I don’t trash talk with her, just throw out innuendos every now and then just for comic relief for myself. She’s always shaking her head at me. I love the reaction… and in the end… it’s ALL about the reaction.

I got home at 2am. Woke up at 4am to the sounds of Ryan banging, moving stuff and running through the house in his attempt to find the mouse that’s been taking up residence in our house. He was victorious and managed to catch it with a towel and then flushed it down the toilet. Yippee… my ever brave mouse catcher. Won’t back me up when I’m confronting the rowdy teens outside our house or the drunks while we are watching a movie in the theatre, but he’s there to catch that mouse.

He comes to bed and brags of his conquest. I congratulate him then go downstairs to get a drink of water. I’m so thirsty. I’ve been dreaming of drinking water for the past couple of hours. I wonder if I’ve got diabetes.

I come downstairs and stop dead in my tracks. Chaos is all over the house. The couch is flipped over, the desk is in the middle of the kitchen, the stove is away from the wall and the fridge is moved away from the wall, shoes are strewn about. I just shook my head in disbelief and got instantly mad. Motherfathersisterbrother. I swear to good frackn’ grief. Why can’t he put this stuff BACK?!? WHY? We don’t have a damn maid. I can barely move the damn stove. Knowing him it will sit like that for a week until he decides to push the stove back. I push the desk into place and storm up to bed. I’m so angry because he acts like one of the kids. This is where they get it from. He trashes the house and can’t put the stuff BACK where it belongs? When I ask him about it he just mumbles, “Oh, I’ll do it in the morning.” Phft… right. I’ve heard that before. He won’t do it.

Thoughts of the million things I have to do still before the kids go back to school flash through my mind. I’ve had a grueling, exhausting day at work, but stress picks up and kicks in so I can’t sleep. Adrenaline is flowing through my veins and I can’t turn off my mind. I’m so frustrated I could scream.

Our ridiculously expensive Bosch dishwasher is crap and keeps breaking down. I called the warranty repair people, the soonest they can come is 3 weeks from now. Holy! I run my dishwasher two times a day at least. I need a commercial kitchen with commercial appliances. Dishes are piled in the sink. There is some sort of electrical short in the dishwasher. It just won’t turn on and stay on. It keeps turning on and off constantly. During the day today in my frustration over the long delay in a repairman coming, I slammed it shut and hit the ‘on’ button and magically it started. I stopped it and filled it with the dishes in the sink. I slammed it shut again and it kept going. Oh happy day. At least a load will get done.

I was late leaving for work today because Ryan had gone to DQ with Laura and didn’t come home in time for me to leave. I kept calling him but he didn’t answer and ignored my calls. I hate it when he ignores my calls. So I was late for work. When I left for work I told Ryan to get the kids to load and unload the dishwasher and switch around the laundry. Does he do it? No. I come home to everything looking exactly the way I left it. Dishes are still piled in the sink, the laundry is not switched over and everything looks like I left it, just messier. There were no new supper dishes in the sink. I asked him if he fed the kids supper. No. He didn’t make them supper. He went straight to bed when he got home. Unbelievable.

Now I’m just furious. He’s been coming home way to late and he doesn’t even take care of the kids when he comes home. I’m at work in the evenings for the next 2 weeks straight. I’m into Day 9 out of 14. He works in the day, I work at night. We’ve hardly seen each other. I leave at 5pm, he comes home at 530, 6, 7, 8, or 9pm whenever he decides to leave work and is sleeping by the time I get home. He’s gone by the time I’m up in the morning. I try to get a babysitter or Laura just watches everyone. It frustrates me when he says that he’ll be home at 530pm so I don’t get a sitter for the 30min then he doesn’t show up until 8pm or 9pm. The kids are left to fend for themselves. He just blinks at me and expects me to do everything.

So now I go to work, take care of the kids, do all the housework and he can’t even feed the kids dinner? I usually do a Crockpot dinner for the kids so if he is late coming back from work Laura can just dish everyone dinner. I didn’t this time because I knew he would be home on time to be able to take care of them. We had discussed earlier in the day that he was to warm up the left over ribs from the fridge and make potatoes. So dinner was not hard to make. Obviously I can’t even trust him to take care of the kids basic needs. I’m just so furious. This isn’t the first time he’s pulled this crap. I feel like a single mother. Why the hell is he around if he doesn’t even pitch in?

My anger has been simmering under the surface for awhile because ever since I’ve gone to work. I feel like he’s got the mentality of “the cat’s away so the mouse will play.” Usually when he gets back from work he eats the dinner that I made before I left for work, then leaves all the dishes on the table and leaves the mess in the kitchen for me to clean after I get home from work at 2am or 3am. The house is a disaster and he goes downstairs to watch TV. The kids are of course dying to be with him and he just lets them watch TV with him. Normally I would be ok with them watch a movie with him, but the shows he watches are not appropriate for the kids and they tell me so the next day.

“Daddy let us watch an inappropriate show. It had swears and love stuff.” Josh reports. I love that Josh who is only 7 uses the word ‘inappropriate’. He says it all cute and can hardly say the word, he just hears me say it to them all the time.

I’m just beside myself with anger. Ok, so the kids haven’t seen him all day and instead of playing with them or reading to them he just turns on the TV. I know he wants to relax, but he has spawned 5 kids. Take some frackn’ responsibility and raise them! Play with them, have them do their chores, clean up the kitchen, put them to bed, then I don’t give a flying rip what the hell he does the rest of the night. He could watch whatever stupid show he thinks is “sooo good.” I hardly watch TV. It’s a waste of my time and I have so many other things to do besides sit in front of the stupid TV.

So now I’ve put new passwords on the computers (because he’ll watch shows on the computer as well) and have taken the DVD seasons and have hidden them. I have asked his boss that he’s not to lend DVD seasons to Ryan because all Ryan does is watch TV. He’ll watch until 2am, then he’s exhausted the next day at work. He lets the kids watch stuff that really they shouldn’t watch. When the show says, “18A” and shown on HBO, there’s a reason. I’m pissed. I’m going to have to “talk to the boss” again. I hate having to be such a bitch. I hate having to be such a nag. I hate having to act like a mother to him. I not his damn mother.

I wish he would just grow the frack up and act like a grown man. I have absolutely no respect for him whatsoever. Our relationship is deteriorating from bad to worse. These same issues and them some have been constant over the past 11 years and I’ve always hoped that he’d grow up. That he would somehow change. That he would step up. Everything is so strained and has been for quite awhile. I had hoped that our trip to Vegas would help. It didn’t. We spent all day Sunday, Monday and Tuesday together and I was bored out of my mind. There was such a gap between us. He felt it too. We discussed it, but I didn’t communicate all my grievances because I wanted to enjoy myself and not be a nag.

Same thing when we went to Golden. Again I was trying so hard to reach out to him. Just to rejuvenate our relationship. I planned a bunch of fun stuff and low key stuff so we could just get back and “date” again. To get away from the rigors of life and just play. I just felt like a million miles away from him even though he was right beside me. He would grumble when I wanted to do a hike and whined the entire way saying, “Can we go back now? There’s nothing to see.” Holy Hell! It’s a freakn’ hike! The mountains are all around us. Fresh air, fresh raspberries and blueberries growing on the side of the road. They were so sweet and delicious. I love wild fruit. I tried to show him all the beautiful things of nature. The amazing spider web. The big, fat, beautiful spider in the middle with it’s funky designs. The bunny that hopped right in front of us. The partridge chickens that were running around. The little waterfall coming from the mountain. The stream of water as it splashed over the rocks. The rocks how the water has smoothed and carved them. The daisies that grow wild along the path. The Indian paint brush, the wild flowers. The patterns in the dirt and how a flower will grow in the crack in middle of a rock. Golden is such a beautiful place. It had just rained and the clouds were gone. There was a beautiful sunset setting on the mountains. Beautiful white billowy clouds were drifting through the air. It was just so breathtakingly beautiful.

I love nature. I really miss the farm. I miss the peace. I miss the quiet. I miss the trees. I miss the smell of the grass and dirt. To me, this just felt like home. I was trying to capture everything with my eyes and drink in the scenery. I was snapping a million pics with my camera in hopes to capture what I was seeing. Ryan could careless. The entire weekend he kept saying, “Whatever you want to do. This is your weekend.” It was OUR weekend. Not MY weekend. It was OUR wedding anniversary.

I planned what I thought would be a really fun weekend and he was just going along for the ride. He didn’t care what we did. It felt like I was making him do all this stuff instead of him actually WANTING to do it and enjoying it.

When we went camping with the kids for a week in August, I began to warm up to him 5 days into our trip because he just played so great with the kids. He would set up the tent. I filled it with the sleeping bags, everyone’s backpacks and pillows. He would make breakfast every morning. I would do the prep work and just hand him everything so it could be cooked. I got the table ready and he cooked the food. Then he would do the dishes, I would clean up and put everything back in the coolers or boxes while the kids ran off to play at the beach. We were just a really good team. We laughed and played with the kids. It was just so much fun. I was seeing him in a whole new light. I loved camping. The weather was perfect! No rain. Just sun. Not too hot, not too cold. We had a blast doing all the activities with the kids. I loved watching him carry Luke on one shoulder and Mya on the other after they were tired walking through the corn maze. He just got down on the ground and played with the kids. We goofed around together, laughed and teased each other. It was so great. I didn’t want to come home.

Of course it wasn’t without disappointment. Our last night camping at Old MacDonalds Farm, we had finished watching the fireworks, the kids were exhausted after playing so hard, they passed out in their sleeping bags, a million stars hung in the sky, the moon was full and bright. I wanted him to come with me for a walk on the beach. Our campsite backed onto the beach. I love hearing the water lap against the shore. I just wanted to go on a little walk up the beach, talk, get some action on the beach… just enjoy some alone time. Just the two of us.

A flat out no. He just wanted to sit by the fire. We’ve sat by the fire. We’ve been sitting by the fire for the past 4 nights. We’ve been doing what he wants to do…. just sit. It drives me crazy just to sit. I didn’t argue with him. I didn’t want to make him do something he didn’t want to do. So I got up and walked along the beach by myself and felt very alone and insignificant. I buried everything and made excuses for him in my mind.

The next day we headed home, repacked and went out to the Kananaskis to sleep in a tepee. Again we had a lot of fun with the kids. We took all 5 kids mountain biking for the day. It was a blast. We played with them in a park and saw a deer. Of course the kids were hooligans and chased it away barking like rabid dogs. We went to an emerald lake that was cool, refreshing and the backdrop against the mountains was amazing.

Unfortunately, we had to come home. Everything returned to normal and the stresses of everyday life took over. Now I’m back to not liking him again. If we didn’t have kids together I would have left a long time ago. The kids are the only thing that is keeping me with him. I’m staying just for the kids. After the kids have grown, I’ll probably walk. Alone together he drives me nuts. We just are such polar opposites. He always makes promises to me then never follows through. He thinks he doesn’t have to try with me anymore. He thinks that he doesn’t have to do anything special or make an effort. I’ve talked to him about this already. I’m tired of talking to him about it. I just don’t know how long I can last. I’m just miserable. I was hoping that going to work would help ease the financial stress we had and it would help us. It didn’t. I’m just at my wits end with him. I knew I shouldn’t have married him…. and if I didn’t get knocked up, I wouldn’t have. I’m just going through the motions now. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of hoping. I just don’t care anymore.

I’ve thrown myself into work and made myself so busy with work, the kids and trying to keep up with the house. I don’t have time to feel the pain or even think of our personal crappy relationship. On the outside everyone thinks we’ve got this perfect relationship and perfect life. I’m all smiles and full of energy when I’m out in public, but I’m dying inside.

*sigh*

And to top it all off, I can’t find my favorite socks. I love these specific socks. They are like walking in a cloud. I wear them when I’m cold or want to feel cozy and warm. They are missing. Just like so many other things in my life.