I don’t want another one.
Earlier in the evening, I was lamenting to the boss how I was on the verge of divorce. An hour later he comes marching into my office.
“I’ve hooked you up on a date.” He says as he plops down on the other chair.
“Oh ya?” I say as I don’t even look up from searching for files in my filing cabinet.
“Yep, I think you two would get along great too!” He says all proud of himself.
“Great. Did you mention to him I’m married?” I still haven’t looked up from my pile of folders, I’m intently trying to find my interview folder.
“You’ll like him too, he’s really good looking! He’s rich and he used to be a model.” He’s grinning and staring at me intently.
*sigh* I find my file folder and I finally turn to look at him wearily. “Is he Tom Welling hot? Cuz if he’s not, quite frankly I’m not interested.”
“Ya.”
“Have you even SEEN a picture of Tom? Do you even actually know what he looks like? The guy is a GOD. You don’t even know.”
“Ya, well, you talk about him all the time.” He responds.
“Just cuz I talk about him, doesn’t mean I can accurately describe his hotness. You have to see to believe. If you saw him, you’d love him too and consider switching sides.”
“Well, my friend, is as good looking as him.”
“Doubt it. Is he tall? Dark hair? I don’t like blonds. Does he have gorgeous chiseled features?”
“Yep, yep, yep!” He’s getting all excited.
“Well, I don’t believe you. Besides, I’m not interested. I don’t want another jackass. I’m not hooking up or any of that crap. I don’t need more problems. I’ve got enough already. I’m not interested. Not even a little bit. Even if I was divorced, I still wouldn’t be interested. I don’t want to ever get married again. Never, ever. Being married sucks rotten apples. Guys suck. All of them. They are all a bunch of idiots. I don’t need a ball and chain weighing me down….”
“He’s around your age too!” He interrupts my babble.
*sigh*
“Do you even know how old I am?”
“Oh, you’re a lot younger than me aren’t you?” He ponders.
“You’re killing me.”
“He’s a great guy. I think you’d totally hit it off with him. He’s 35….”
“Stop right there. Ya, I’m not interested. Not even a little. Look, IF I was going for a guy, I’m going 10 years younger. I need someone to be able to keep up with me in all aspects of life. I’ve got a lot of energy. I want someone who can keep up with me. I don’t need another speed bump. Forget it. He’s probably damaged and has major issues. Seriously, I’m not interested. Drop it. I’m freakn’ married. I’m unhappily married, but still married nonetheless. I don’t need anymore problems. Thanks, but no thanks. I was just venting earlier, not suggesting you find me a boy toy on the side. This conversation is over.”
He then proceeds to tell me all about this guy. I sit back and let him talk because I must entertain his banter. He talks to me for an hour. He’s a nut. Very energetic and very passionate about everything. I always take him with a grain of salt cuz I never know when he’s serious or teasing me so I just always assume he’s teasing me. He was serious, but he was also testing me. He’s checking to see if I’d cheat.
No, I wouldn’t. I’d feel too guilty. And what’s the point? There is none. In the end, it just leads to more problems, hassles and stress. I’ve got enough of that already. Cheating or picking up a FWB is nothing but a hassle and it hurts everyone involved. They are stupid and senseless.
I’ve already decided what I’m going to do. I’m just going to live my life. Do all the things I’ve always wanted to do. Take control of life and get in the drivers seat instead of passively watching it go by. I’ve emotionally detached myself from Ryan. He’s just a roommate now. Whatever he does, where ever he goes, I don’t care. I just go about taking care of the kids and taking care of me. I’m focusing on work, the kids, the house and planning out crazy, fun stuff for me to do. I’m just burying everything else. I’ve made myself numb.
Financially there’s no point in getting a divorce. I’ve spoken to friends, kids at the theatre, people going through it, people that have gone through it and no one says anything positive. Everything is coming back so horribly negative. I may be stupid and naive about a lot of things, but this I’ve looked into quite extensively. It’s just not worth it. He doesn’t beat me. He’s not a druggie, not an alcoholic. He puts up with my crap. He’s a great friend, but that’s it.
Divorce would damage the kids heavily. Right now we’ve got play money. I don’t want to be struggling. I’m tired of it. 2 houses, trying to coordinate holidays, who goes where. No thanks. I don’t want to play in that nightmare. If we didn’t have the kids I’d be gone. The kids are the only thing that’s holding me to him and he knows it.
He bought me lillies (cuz they are my favorite), chocolates and a card when he showed up at 9pm at night. I was polite, said thank you and had Laura put them in a vase. The kids were hopping all around us so excited for this ’surprise’. The card said the same damn stuff he’s been saying for the past 14 years. The same shiz. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of the excuses. I’m done. If he really wants to show me he’s sorry, he’ll make it home earlier and help out. The kids see him for all of 30 min. at night.
I’m a quality time person. I need to spend quality time with him or I just start detaching myself. If he doesn’t spend time with me and keeps ignoring me I just slowly stop loving him.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think he’s a great guy. Superb. A great friend. Everyone likes him. They meet him and think he’s just the bees knees and the cats pj’s. They usually like him more over me. Well, they don’t have to live with him. As a husband, I don’t think he’s so great. Is any guy that great? I don’t think so. In the end, they are all the same…. just another immature child. I don’t want another child to take care of. I’ve got 5 thanks.
I’m tired of him acting like a child. Sick of it. I’m not his freakn’ mother. I just feel like his mother instead of his wife. He just expects me to do everything for him.
While we are on vacation he tells me that the “fun Joanne comes out. The closer we get to home the crankier and more upset and difficult I get.” I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Ya, I guess I am fun while on vacation cuz I’m not so stressed and upset at him over his inability to lift a finger and help out. There are maids to clean our room, waitresses to take our dishes off the table, chefs cook our meals, there are no children to take care of, there is no laundry to fold, there are no children to run after, no dishes that need to be done. Everything is left up to me to do.
“Fun Joanne” would come out more if I wasn’t so stressed out all the time. I feel like everything is up to me. I have to decide everything. I’m in charge of everything. When I do ask for help, he doesn’t help. Just stares, blinks and sits. Waits for me to ask 3 or 4 times and freak out before he figures I’m serious enough that I actually want him to do something. I’ll ask him nicely. Please and thank you. It’s ignored. He doesn’t move until I flip out. I’m just tired. I’ve given up. I don’t even ask anymore. If I ask once or twice and he doesn’t do it, I just add it to the list of things I have to do.
My hair is turning white from the tips to root again. Too much stress. It’s even turning white right in the middle of the hair. It will be black on both ends, but white in the middle. I’m gonna turn into Rogue from X-Men.
I just don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in happily ever after. I don’t believe in anything anymore. It’s probably why I hate chick flicks and all those stupid sappy love movies. I just feel it’s a bunch of lies. They are feeding the public lies as to this whole notion of love. It’s crap. All of it. In the end, you’re alone. There’s no one to look to. No one to depend on. No one to help out. It’s just you. All by yourself. All alone. You’d be a fool to think otherwise.