The quote.
In RS a couple of months ago, the RS President stood up and shared this quote from I forget who, but I like the quote.
“Church isn’t a place for perfect people to go to learn of perfect things, church is a school for sinners.”
I haven’t been to church in 2 months. Holidays, working and tiredness stopped me from going. Sitting for 3 hours kills me and numbs my brain. It’s so hard to control 5 kids in sacrament and either Ryan or I end up walking the halls. I teach Sunday school now for the 13 year olds. It’s my new calling. I like it. I’ve only taught them once, then I’ve been gone the entire time since. I always love RS though. I find it is always filled with insightful things that I mull about all week long.
I need to work on my spiritual self. It is greatly lacking and I feel it. It probably why I’ve been so miserable lately. The gospel brings me a lot of happiness and I can always feel it when I’ve stepped too far away from the Lord. Right now I feel like I’m on one side of the Grand Canyon and the Lord is on the other. I become much more calm, happy and content when I have a close relationship with Him. It’s severely lacking right now.
I always wonder why I just don’t pick up the scriptures and read it more. Why I don’t pray more. I know prayer is very powerful and if I want something, I can pray for something and I usually get it. I’m starting to recognize when my prayers are answered now. Before I used to think it was fluke.
I don’t know why I’ve stepped away so far for so long. I used to be Miss Molly Mormon. A little ray of sunshine and a little missionary to all my friends. Now I’m a little dark cynical rain cloud, the wicked witch of the west, Cruella DeVill. What happened to me?
Is it because I can’t forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made? I think it’s probably because I don’t believe the Lord loves me. I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that with all the millions, billions and jabajillions of people in the earth that I matter or that I make a difference or that He loves me. There are so many uber amazing people out there. Who am I? I’m the annoying child He rolls His eyes at and probably thinks, “When will she ever learn?”
Self worth has always been a struggle for me. I just don’t believe anyone could love me. Does it stem from childhood? Probably. My mother was brutal. She always told me that she wished I was a boy. She wished she had a boy not a girl. She would tell me stuff like, she found me on the side of the road and that she should bring me back there cuz she didn’t want me. She always told me that she wished I had blue eyes like my dad, that I wasn’t as smart as my older step-brother, that when I grew up I should be a prostitute cuz that’s all I was ever good for. She would tell me that she wished she could kill me and she wished I would die. On and on and on it went. It’s probably why I’m so hard.
I should probably go into counseling or something. I did. Went in for marriage counseling. We both had individual time as well. I talked about some stuff. I wasn’t ready to talk about other things from my childhood and open up. I stopped going after a few sessions. It just hurt too much. I prefer to bury it. I’m not ready to deal with it yet. Why rip open a wound when it’s scabbed over?
I always try to be conscious about what I say to my own kids. When I’m mad, I tell them to leave me alone and that they are driving me crazy and I need a time out. I never name call them. I’ll call them a monkey or crazy, but never stupid or other hurtful things. I don’t mock them in front of others. I always try to remain positive with them. Being a parent is so hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
I just constantly feel like a failure. I know I do a lot of things well, but there’s always someone who can do it better. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying. I’ve given up hope that things will get better. I always try so hard at stuff and I just always seem to fall. I can never seem to get things perfect. I usually always say the wrong things and do the wrong things. I’m infamous for putting my foot in my mouth. I’m a bull in a china shop. I don’t usually realize that I’m saying something rude until it come spewing out of my mouth.
I have a love/hate relationship with people. When people meet me, they either love me and think I’m a riot or they hate me and can’t stand me. I really don’t care. I avoid people that are too anal retentive or who don’t have a sense of humor. I love to laugh and goof around. I surround myself with people who are funny. If someone isn’t funny or doesn’t amuse me in some way I lose interest. I don’t want anyone boring around me.
It’s really weird that in a couple pairing, there is always one outgoing, funny person and one quiet reserved person. Why is that? I’ve noticed that recently. With my friends, either the husband is absolutely hilarious and the wife is quiet or the wife is the funny one and the husband is the quiet one. Weird. Why not 2 funny, outgoing people?
I love to people watch. It’s one of my favorite things to do. I could sit in a mall all day and just watch people go by. I love being at the theatre cuz there are so many people coming and going. So many people just to watch. I can usually pick out who is out on a first date. Who’s been together for a long time, who is married, who is still dating, who is lonely, etc. It’s just fascinating to watch people interact with one another.