I. WANT. TO. GO….
Somewhere
Anywhere
I want to escape. To get away. There are so many travel deals happening right now. I need to figure out where I want to go on my solo trip. I really would like to go to New Zealand. It looks like an adventure seekers adrenaline playground. I just need time away. Responsibility. Bleh. I hate it. I’m too damn responsible.
I haven’t been at work for 4 days, since the stupid deer incident and I’m getting antsy. On one hand I welcome the break cuz I’ve been cleaning heavily around here. On the other I miss work and I have so many things I have to do, that I need to get back.
Today I went down to the park and played with the kids. I love the sun. I need to get out more. I think that is my problem. I’m cooped up in the house too much. I’m an outdoors person. I love being outside. Being inside is depressing.
I love the smell of fresh hay being cut. I love the smell of fall. All the leaves are turning colors. Fall is my favorite season. It reminds me of cross country running. Feeling the burn in my lungs. Feeling the dry throat and mouth. Smelling the leaves. The leaves crunching under my running shoes. The adrenaline pumping through my body.
Some cowboy rode his horse through town today. How awesome is that? Gotta love cowboys.
I wish everyone at church would leave me the hell alone. I’m on the inactive list now. Haven’t been at church in 2 months. Everyone and their dog is coming by to “visit” to “see how I’m doing.” I’d be doing even better if everyone would just leave me alone. I want to be left alone. Why can’t people understand that?
Probably cuz I’m so outgoing, people don’t see the reclusive side of me. No one knows the quiet side. I avoid people when I’m sad, quiet and reflective. I’m barely keeping my head above water and I’m almost drowning. I’ve got a few goals in mind and that’s what keeps me going. I’ve fully retreated into my own world. Reality is no longer an issue. I’m safe and content in my own world. No one is allowed in.
People are calling wanting to come over to “help.” The do-gooders in society who feel the need to reach out and “help.” Do service. Acts of kindness. Charity. Help me so they can feel better about themselves that they’ve been Christlike. I don’t need little Miss Perfect Molly coming to “help” me so she can gossip about it later in church. Thanks, but no thanks.
I don’t need it. If I want help I’ll ask for it. Right now people just need to leave me alone. I’ve been avoiding calls and yet people still stop by. I need a solid door so I can have a peep hole to look through. Damn glass on my door. Always gives me away.
I only have a couple really good friends that I call up if I need something. I’m very picky about who I let around me. Even those that are around me, never know the real me. I have a lot of acquaintances. A lot of people know me or know of me. I’m always very surprised when I go somewhere and introduce myself, the same thing comes out of people’s mouths, “Oh! I’ve heard of you…..” then they go on to tell me how they’ve heard of me. Usually because of my activities I put on or by my crazy kids.
I’m not in the mood to be social. I’m happily standing alone in the corner looking out the window.
Get out of my space.
I’m a very get the hell out of my space person. I hate it when someone stands too close to me or gets in my face. If I want them there I’ll let them stay. If I don’t, I’ll tell them to get the hell out of my space and I’ll draw an imaginary box with my finger. “See this? This is my space. You’re trespassing. Get out, before I flip out!” Then I’ll take a step back. Too many people infringe upon my space.
I know I’m guilty of that myself. I’m always stepping in people’s space when I’m happy or hyper. That’s probably why people think it’s ok to crowd me cuz I’m always in their face. I’m not happy right now. I need to have time to myself. I need my space.
My friend was talking to me asking how things were going. I told her I was done. She understood cuz we have similar marital situations and similar things happen to us. So she says, “Don’t give up! It says in the scriptures, ‘Men are, that they may have joy.”
I snap back, “Exactly! Men! It talks about MEN. No where does it say, “Women are that they may have joy.” It’s always about the men! Sure they have joy cuz WE do everything for them and dote on them. Of COURSE they’ll be happy cuz we’re their damn slaves! I’d be happy too if all I did was show up now and then and not have to lift a finger around the house! Have dinner ready for you, everything all la-dee-da! They left out the part that says ‘Women are, that they may be miserable.’ ”