What’s after anger?
After frustration builds, then anger… then…. what? Apathy?
Right now I’m at the apathy part I guess.
We had a big talk on Sunday. Didn’t make it to church cuz we just lay in bed and talked like we used to do.
“Things were better before you went to work.” Ryan says.
“Why? Cuz I used to dote on you and I was always around to be at your beck and call?” I replied.
“Yes,” he says seriously.
He knows somethings wrong. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve stopped talking. I’ve stopped smiling. I told him I’m on the verge of divorce. I left the part out that if we were loaded, I’d already be gone. I’m saving now. I can’t stand living like this.
Mya left the door open to the garage. Luke seeing the opportunity, took off down the road, the neighbors called the cops and they took him to the station. I was looking for him and the neighbor told me he was at the cop shop. So I called Ryan cuz I wanted him to come home to watch the other 2 so I could go in and grab get Luke without the other 2 kids hanging off me and creating a ruckus. He says, yes, he can be home in 10 min. He then calls me back 1 min later and tells me to get someone else to come over cuz he’s too busy. Too busy? Too busy for his son and family?!? I called a friend to help out.
After I picked up Luke from the police station, I called him to fill him in on what happened. I get 2 sentences into what happened and he cuts me off and says, “I’ve got to go.” and hangs up. Furious I throw the phone across the room. When he got home at 9:30pm I ask him why he had to go so suddenly. “Oh, there was a customer in front of me. I was busy.”
That infuriated me even more. I clenched my jaws and glared. I didn’t say a word. He doesn’t even care about his own damn family anymore. He doesn’t even care about his kids. From the time I talked to him at noon until 9:30pm he didn’t have the decency to call and find out how things were or fill me in that he’d be late and why he’d be late…. again.
“What?” He looks at me in wonderment as to why I’m upset. He’s an idiot. “If you were at work and I called, you wouldn’t talk to me.” He tries to reason with me.
“Actually, I would. I would WANT to know what the hell happened, because he’s my SON and I CARE about him!” I hissed. “I would have stopped everything and listened to what happened. I wouldn’t care if a damn customer was in front of me, I would have went somewhere so I could hear you. I would listen!”
“Just so you know. If you died, work wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t give a rats ass. Sure, they’d be sorry, but they can always hire someone else. Your family…. YOUR KIDS would care. They are the ones you are neglecting. They see you for all of 5 min at the end of the day…. if they even see you at all! Work can wait. The papers will always be there. There will always be another customer…. but your family needs you. The kids miss you. I don’t understand why you don’t see that? Why don’t you get that!?! They are growing up so fast! Look at their pictures and you can tell. When they are teenagers they won’t care where the hell you are. They care now! They WANT to be around you now. You’re making it very obvious to them and me that you don’t want to be around. That’s how it looks like to us. You need to get your priorities figured out.” I explained to him. Anger, resentment and hurt flew to the surface.
He didn’t say anything like always.
I’m so sick of this crap. So done. Everyday it just gets worse. How the hell am I suppose to last another 16 years living like this? I need out. I’ve got to figure out another way. I can’t stand living like this.