Ups and downs….
Everyone has ups and downs in their life.
Right now I’m on a down.
Dave had once said this to me, “Remember who you are and what you stand for.”
The younger version of me would have piped the answer to that statement with utmost surety….
“I am a child of God. I stand for truth and righteousness.”
Now I don’ t know who I am or what I stand for. I’m just rejecting everything.
Thinking about that statement now just makes me almost cry. I hate to cry. I’ve been so angry for so long that it has taken a toll on me. I do everything with intensity. I love with as much passion as I hate. I’ve been so upset for the longest time that I’m just exhausted.
I’m at this weird point in my life where I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I stand for anymore. Everything is up in the air and seems to be crashing down on me. I’m struggling to keep afloat.
Everyone around me asks what’s the matter, cuz once they see me in person my eyes don’t lie. I just blame it on being tired. This is why I avoid people. I hate the questions of why I’m not the way they normally see me. I’m not my crazy, hyper, outgoing, silly self. I channel all that energy for work. Just cuz I need to.
I’m exhausted at home. When I’m on the phone I can channel that energy as well since I can cut a conversation short if it becomes too taxing for me.
I was talking to my friend/boss. She was asking how things were going and she saw through the BS “I’m tired” line.
We talked about guys and relationships. She is going through a very bitter divorce that has lasted a good 4 years now. She is gorgeous and has been dating a lot of guys. She can pick up guys like crazy and she has a numbers game she likes to play. How many guy’s numbers she can get. She gets tonnes. She never calls them, it’s just a fun game she plays with her other single friends. It’s really quite funny. She needs to write a book on picking up guys. I’ve seen her in action and she’s amazing!
She said she was looking for that feeling she had in her 20’s. That starry eyed, ‘he-can-do-no-wrong’, we’ll live happily ever after feeling, the intense butterflies, the ‘I worship the ground he walks on’ feeling.
I told her not to bother, cuz that’s just a 20 year old thinking. I told her that I thought that too, but then you get cynical and jaded as you get older and you begin to realize that no one is perfect. There is no happily ever after. No one is perfect. There is no rose colored glasses. Everyone is going to eventually annoy the hell out of you, it is just whether or not you can put up with it or not is what it boils down to.
I also told her she won’t be able to feel that anymore cuz she’s got a wall built up because of the divorce and the hurt she’s been through. She will always hold someone at arms length cuz she’s afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of letting anyone in, cuz they may hurt her again. You can’t have a relationship with walls built up. It will always be lacking in some way.
Sure you may let someone in part of the way, but you’ll never expose yourself as you once did. As you grow older and go through life this happens. The lucky ones are able to break the wall down, but most cannot. She said she hated living like that. I told her she can break down the wall, she just has to be willing to let herself be exposed and take the chance that she’ll get hurt again.
I’ve always held people at arms length. After growing up in crazy family life, it’s what I had to do to survive. Cuz really, how many times can one person take being told that they are hated and they are not worth it to be alive. Especially with a knife held to your throat. I mean really.
For Mya’s 4th bday, I stayed up until 4am making cupcakes with icing grass and little pink fondant flowers on them. It was really pretty and it tasted as yummy as it looked. I brought them into the pre-school that morning.
The pre-school teacher just looked at me in shock.
“You know, I really shouldn’t say this to you, but I know you can take it, so I’m going to say it,” she starts….
Now I’m leary cuz I don’t see how this is going to be a pleasant conversation. I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with this kind of banter either. I hate having to defend myself or my actions. I also hate it when people give me a hard time.
“I’m just so jealous of you! Look at you, you’ve had 5 kids and you look like THAT! You have absolutely no tummy! Your belly is totally flat.” She comes over and rubs her hand on my tummy. “You’re skinny. You’re beautiful. You’ve got gorgeous hair. You’ve got a great job, a wonderful family, a devoted and very good looking husband. AND you have the time to make THESE!” She spits out as she points to the cupcakes.
“You’re just perfect!” She says this sweetly, with disgust and jealousy in her voice, she tops it off with a smile on her face.
I wince at the word perfect.
I just shake my head. “Please. I don’t think so at all. I’m not perfect. I’m no where near perfect. It’s all smoke and mirrors. I may be skinny, but I’ve just got a ton of mental issues. I’m hard to handle, I’m a cow, Cruella De Vill, an annoying, spoiled little brat and too many mental issues that you should thank your lucky stars you don’t have. I may look like I’ve got it all, but I don’t. Believe me. You don’t want to be in my shoes. Thank you for thinking that I’m beautiful, but I’m not. I’m messed up. Seriously. It’s not what you think. Just because I look the way I do doesn’t mean that I don’t have issues. Appearances are deceiving.” I say wearily and dryly, giving her a tense smile. I walk towards the door to escape this conversation.
She babbles on about how “perfect” everything is, but I’ve tuned it out and I’m half way through the door. I smile and tell her the next time I’ll bring her some burnt cookies so she won’t think I’m so perfect.
This bothers be greatly. I just never know how to respond or how to validate other people so they think they are awesome. I’m usually shocked and I’m stammering about trying to downplay everything.
She’s done this to me before, gushing to the other moms as to how beautiful I am and how I’m so busy yet, I still do all these, “amazing things.”
It just makes me so uncomfortable and very embarrassed, cuz I’m sure the other moms are looking at me thinking that this teacher needs to get her eyes checked cuz I think I look like a hag. I usually look for a quick exit and try to end the conversation by bringing out as many negative traits as I possibly can or make a joke out of it.
I just want to find a rock to crawl under and be left alone. I’m in such a reclusive mode right now. I’m avoiding as many people as possible and trying to only see the people I have to.