The journey between here and there

I’m tired of being told “I can’t” or “I shouldn’t”.

It’s my life. I want to live it how I want. I tried living the way “normal” people live it. A family, kids, husband, job. It’s driving me nuts.

I don’t like being settled. I like to do things that scare me. I like to learn new things. I like to get out of my comfort zone and make a fool of myself. I don’t care. I just want to try everything at least once. The things I love, I’ll do it again.

I need a sugar shop. I’d say I need a sugar daddy, but I want to do so many things that I would need more than one or just be with someone who had no limits. hehehe….

My travel plans. I’m gonna post this in my bathroom wall, on my fridge and by my computer so I can remind myself to book tickets and do research.

May: Go to Saskatoon to visit my brother. I haven’t seen him in ages and I want to see him before he dies. I hope he’s not traveling then. Weekend trip
June: Go to Hawaii. One week.
July: Camping. One week. I will be riding my bike over the summer and volunteering with the racing group in Calgary.
August: Camping. One week.
September: Charlotte Town, PEI. I’ve always wanted to go to the East coast and I’ve always wanted to go to PEI. Fish and chips on the dock! Yummy. This will be a 4 day trip.
October: Italy - Although I’m going to have to check on this one. I don’t want to go during rainy season. It will be a 1 or 2 week trip.
November: Egypt with Dave. 1 or 2 weeks as well.
December: DisneyWorld with the family. This will be a 10 day trip.

I think it will be great because it will be something to look forward to each month. I don’t care what everyone says. I’m going to travel and see the world. It has always been a life long dream. Since right now I can’t take off for an entire year I want to do as much as I can anyway…. cuz what if I die next year? I’ll be pissed that I didn’t get to go see and do stuff while I was still alive.

So I told a friend, who’s like a father figure to me that I was going to travel next year…. alone. I’d take Ryan on a few trips, but for the most part go alone. He freaked out! He kept quizzing me about what I would do if a guy approached me and what I would do in certain situations.

I got a little annoyed. At first I just blew it off, but then once he sensed that I didn’t think it was a big deal he became more persistent. *sigh*

“You going alone?” He asks concerned.

“Ya! I’m soooo excited! It’s going to be such an adrenaline rush. Just me. Trying to figure out what to do, where to go. I’m so pumped!” I gushed.

“That’s not a good idea.” He says frowning.

“Why not? There’s nothing wrong with me going alone.”

“Well, what if some really good looking guy comes up to you and you all of a sudden are in a compromising position? I think you should take Ryan.” He cautions me.

“WHAT!?! If I saw a hot guy I’d smile and look, but I wouldn’t touch! I’ve already made up my mind as to what I would do in that kind of situation and I’m not interested in cheating. I’m going to go have fun, explore, see the world, discover something new, learn something and just be free!” I insisted.

“It’s just not a good idea. Why don’t you want to go with Ryan?” He persists.

“I am, on some of my trips… but I like being just me. I’m constantly surrounded by people, I just want one trip where it’s just me, besides Ryan drives me crazy. I hate traveling with him. We usually always end up fighting and I’m furious at him the entire time. He’s so dang slow. It drives me crazy.”

“Well, I still think you should go with him. He will keep you out of trouble.” He says.

“TROUBLE?!? What trouble? I’m not going to get in trouble. I’ve made my decision about sleeping around and I’m not going to… that’s not me. It’s not what I want. I DON’T want that!” I’m getting annoyed and flustered at this point.

“I really don’t see the big deal.” I grumble.

“Well, if you looked like a Hutterite then I wouldn’t have a problem with you going on your own.” He says trying to prove his point.

“What?!?” I’m totally puzzled by his statement.

“Well, if you dressed like a Hutterite and looked like a Hutterite I wouldn’t have a problem with you going.” He repeats himself. One look at his face and he’s actually serious.

I just laugh…. I really don’t see what people see in me. I don’t think I’m attractive and it puzzles me when people think I am.

“You don’t have to worry about that. I don’t think anyone would even take a second look at me. Sheesh.” I just shake my head at his absurd comment. How ridiculous.

At this point he keeps insisting that I not travel alone and that I need to dress like a Hutterite more. He is blocking my way, his face full of concern.

Finally I just tell him what he wants to hear. Yes I’ll take Ryan and yes I’ll run over to the SallyAnn and pick up some homely, baggy clothes to wear. *sigh* I flash him a grin and reassure him that I’ll be fine.

After staring at me for a few moments he finally says sighing, “I’ve just seen it happen too many times. Just be careful.”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” I say playfully.

He then has to go attend to another patient, so thankfully I am able to leave. Geez… thank goodness I didn’t tell him about going to Egypt with Dave. He would have never let me get out of the dental chair. Sheesh.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Of course I’m going to be safe, it’s not like I’m going to go up to some hot guy and ask him to bed me just because I’m on holidays. Holy hell. That’s just ridiculous.

Also, what is he trying to say about me? I’m really upset that he would think I would just hop in the sac with some guy. I’ve got more morals than that and I’m insulted that he would suggest something like that. I’m not a freakn’ ho. So now I’m just upset by the whole conversation and insinuation. I’m sure he was concerned about my well being, but I’m a big girl and I can take care of myself.

Life is exhausting. I just don’t know how single moms handle it all. My hats off to all of them out there.

I’m going at this all on my own here. Ryan is never around. I need to start planning my weekends so I can have something to look forward to.

My head is filled with a million things that I have to do. I’m constantly missing appointments or forgetting things even when I’ve remembered earlier that morning.

My to-do list is pages long. Anytime I get somethings done off of it 5 more things pop on it.

Simplify… it’s just something I can’t wrap my brain around.

On a positive note, I loved going to Ryan’s work Christmas party. It was so, so, so much fun. I was being my goofy, silly, bubbly self and people were amused.

One of the young guys there looked like Ricky Martin. He had come up to me and was being so charming that I began to make fun of him for it. I told him he looked like Ricky Martin and that if he wasn’t careful girls would throw themselves at him.

So we are at the part of the evening where everyone introduces themselves.

Ryan says, “Hi! I’m Ryan and I run the shop in High River.”

I say in a monotone, depressed voice, “Hi, I’m Joanne and I’m Ryan’s wife.”

People started to snicker.

“Oh that came out wrong didn’t it? Sorry, let me try that again.” I say grinning.

In my perky, hyper, full of energy voice I say, “HI! I’M Joanne and I’M RYAN’s wife. Ohhh, and he’s all mine!! Grrrr…..” And I wrap my leg over top of his lap, grab his inner thigh and pull it towards me making my little growling noises while I grab his shirt and yank him towards me as well. Everyone roared laughing. It broke the ice and set a precedent for what introductions are suppose to be like.

One of Ryan’s mechanics went next. In a very bubbly, loud voice (mocking me) he announces, “Hi! I’m Jon and I work for RYAN!” The crowd erupts into laughter once again….

And so continued the introductions going around the circle. Everyone altering and changing their introductions but making them very funny and orginial.

A few of my fav’s that I remember:
“Hi! I’m Steven and when I grow up I want to drive a service truck!”;
“Hi! I’m Ralph and I work for Sir Cam.”;
“Hi! I’m Julie, I’m Jeff’s wife and I like to spend his money.”
“Hi I’m SaraJane and I’m Paul’s wife and I’m his babymomma.”

It was very humorous to say the least. Now once we got to Braedon (Ricky Martin Look-a-like) he says, “Hi! I’m Ricky Martin…..” but before he could go any further I jumped up and screamed and ran over to where he was sitting and threw myself at his feet, reached up and pulled on his arms, grabbed his shirt, touched his face and hair and screamed, “AAAAHHHHH RICKY!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Can you shake your bon bon for me? I LOVE YOU RICKEEEEEEE! AAAAHHHHH, it’s Ricky!!!!”

Everyone was shocked for a second then burst out into laughter when they realized what was going on. I was killing myself laughing because he was shocked at my reaction to his statement. Once he recovered he got up and did a back flip in the air.

It was just so much fun and an absolute riot. I love it when people are silly and play around. I hate stuffy Christmas parties and this one was laid back and relaxed.

We played the gift game next. How it works is that there are are bunch of gifts in the centre of the room around 70 gifts, one for each person each worth around $100 + or -. You can pick a gift from the middle or you can pick a gift that someone has opened already. There are no steal backs and a gift can only be fought over once each round. Ryan got his toothbrush that he wanted.

He saw Gary open it and he exclaims, “I want that!”

Gary says, “If you steal this away from me, I will love you forever!” He begins to blow kisses across the room, draw a heart over his heart and bat his eye lashes… it was so, so funny.

When it was finally Ryan’s turn he did take the fancy rechargeable toothbrush from him.

“I think you owe Ryan a kiss now Gary.” I blurt out grinning, my eyes dancing with mischief.

Gary runs over and pretends to give Ryan a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks man! I owe you one!” He whispers into Ryan’s ear.

I was a little disappointed with the results, hoping that he would have gone a little overboard and planted one on his cheek or something for a good laugh…. ah well… not everyone is motivated for the reaction as I am.

The remarks about the gifts, the stealing of gifts back and forth was comical. It was very fun to watch everyone open their gift.

I picked a bag that was in the centre. I was curious as to what was in a bag that wouldn’t fit in a box. I was wonderfully rewarded for my curiosity. I got a gorgeous white Columbia ski coat. It fit me perfect. I love getting things that I would never buy for myself, but always wanted. This was something that fit the bill exactly. I’m always too practical and would never buy a white coat for myself. I love them, but worried about getting them dirty. Now I finally had one AND I didn’t have to buy it.

I was worried that someone might steal it from me during the game so I warned everyone to keeps their paws off my coat and that I’d fight till the death for this coat. I then put it on and wore it the entire time. I could tell that girls were eyeing the coat but the white scared them off because they were worried that it would get dirty or they wouldn’t look good in white.

I owned the coat. I was pumped out of my mind at the end of the game that no one wanted to steal it from me. Lots of women came over after commenting that they liked the coat and wanted to take it, but the fact that I was wearing it made them not try to steal it from me. Whoo hoo! My plan worked! I totally would have made a big production out of it if they would have anyway.

For the first time in 4 years of going to that Christmas party I finally got a gift I loved. It is such a gorgeous coat. I just have to go find some ski pants to go with it.

At the end of the game there were a bunch of extra gifts in the centre so you could exchange your gift if you didn’t like it. There were some exchanging going on and everyone was happy with their gifts in the end. It was a fun night with a great meal and great company.

I went to bed exhausted and very content over my treasure.

I can explain.

Love, Jo

Never wonder why… because for some reason you’ll always find out… even when you really didn’t want to know the answer.

I always wondered how couples fell out of love… I thought it was stupid and I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it…. Now I know how.

Ryan and I have hardly seen each other in the past month and we haven’t seen each other in two weeks. I finally saw him for the first time on Sunday.

“Hi Stranger.” I smiled at him as I sat at the table eating my honey nut cherrios.

He broke out into a huge grin. “Hi!”

He sniffles, sneezes and coughs.

“You’re sick?” I ask. I don’t remember him being sick the last time I saw him.

“Ya.”

“When did you get sick?” I wondered.

“A week ago.” He replies.

“Huh…. I had no idea. That’s too bad. Hope you feel better soon. I swear you better not give it to me or I’ll be pissed.” I replied nonchalantly continuing to eat my cereal.

He grins at me. “We haven’t seen each other in the past month, it’s like we’re strangers.” He winks at me his voice filled with innuendo.

I eye him warily. “I guess.” It’s more like annoyance though cuz I haven’t seen him. I’ve distanced myself from him and am cold towards him. I hate being ignored. Nothing makes me more upset. Except, instead of being downright pissed off, throwing a tantrum I just shrug and don’t care. Very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. He wants me to be flipping out because then I care. When I go silent that spells danger.

“So what’s new in your world?” I ask. Keeping the same polite tone as if I were indeed talking to a stranger.

He tells me about the shop, the guys, the jobs, the trucks and the hard luck cases. I’ve tuned him out, my mind wandering thinking about what I have to do today. I give him the ‘uh huh’s’ and the ‘hmmm’… or ‘really?’ in the appropriate spots.

Once I finish my cereal I toss my bowl into the sink, surveying the mess in the kitchen the kids have made and sigh. I’m on my own at this.

I look over at Ryan and he’s slouched in the couch still telling me about his month. I give him a weak smile, a few more ‘uh huh’s’ then go upstairs to the bedroom. I really don’t care. It’s cold, but it’s the only way I can cope with him being away constantly.

I’m on the 4th book of the Twilight Series and I’m so glad to be almost done. I flip open the book engrossed with the vampire chronicles. I want to be immortal. It sounds like fun!

Ryan doesn’t bother to follow me. Instead he gives me space and sticks to the main floor or the basement. I should be beside myself with grief and long to be with him, but he annoys the hell out of me now. I don’t want to hear his excuses. I don’t even want to be near him.

Things are never going to change. He keeps promising that he will be around more, but I’m not holding my breath. He’s not. He never will be. I know this because his partner works just as much as Ryan does and he’s been doing it for 20 years. Am I going to bail out? No. The money prospect looks too good. We’ll have our mortgage paid off next year and I’m going to go on a trip a month is my goal. Go on a weekend trip and every 3 months take a week long trip away.

I’m just off doing my own thing. Co-existing with him because it’s easier to do that than be out on my own. He’s my roommate.

So that’s how it happens. That’s how people fall out of love. It happens slowly, casually, until the fire has burned out and all that’s left is ashes of a relationship.

I don’t understand why I always get sick in December. It’s probably because I’m so uber stressed and have a million things on my mind and a million things to do.

I have 4 xmas parties this week. One I’m cooking for. It went well. I was up until 2am on Monday making all the phyllo pastries and puff pastries. It was exhausting. I got sick because I didn’t get enough sleep.

The one on Tuesday is an RS party. One on Friday is a Ward Xmas party, then I go to the Xmas party for the kids at the theatre. Then on Saturday is one for Ryan’s work. Sheesh. I’m getting partied out. I’m really excited about the kids one cuz we are going to go do indoor paintball. I’m really excited about this concept. I think it will be a blast!

I still have a few things to get for Mya, Brandon and Luke for Christmas. I’m just going to order it online via ToysRUs website. I’m tired of going into the stores. Plus they do free delivery. Why not?

I still hate Christmas. It just stresses me out. I hate the whole giving gifts thing… it just bugs me. The only thing I want for Christmas is my bike stuff… I’ve told Ryan that so I hope that this year he actually listens and doesn’t try to be “creative” and think for himself. Drives me nuts when he gets me stupid stuff I don’t want. He doesn’t like it when I give him a list, yet, he never gets me what I really want. Why he can’t just give me what I ask for is just beyond me. It makes me very annoyed that he just doesn’t listen to me. So, I just hate Christmas. Bleh. Christmas sucks.