The journey between here and there

I’m terribly frustrated over my whole bike situation. I’m trying to find my Red 250R Ninja and I’m very specific about what I want and the price I want to pay. My patience is wearing thin and I’m getting terribly annoyed of the obstacles I’m trying to leap over. I need a BFG just to blow everything out of my way so I can just achieve my goal of getting one of those damn things to drive. ARG. I just found out I can pick up my bike for $4200 and I want to do that instead of paying $5000 or more for it.

Clothing is such a headache to find cuz either it’s too small or too big. I can’t seem to find my size that I want in the clothing I want. I want the black Lady Yu 2pc. Dainese outfit and it’s not here in Canada. I can’t find it or if I can it’s too ridiculously expensive.

My theatre boss keeps trying to get into my head and trying to figure me out. I hate that. I think I’m a pretty open person and if I want to let people in, I’ll let them in, otherwise I want people to butt out and stay out. Don’t try to figure me out. Hellz. She’s sending me emails saying, “I thought this was profound for you… what do you think?” Seriously, What?!? It was a bunch of mumbo jumbo about figuring what you’re going to do this year. I think she’s trying to fish to see if I’m coming back to work during the days for her. I’m not. I’m not interested. Not in the slightest. It’s so stressful for me and I’d rather work for Ryan where it doesn’t matter if I show up or not. I’m so irked when people try to jump into my personal space when I haven’t invited them into it. If I want you in, you’re in. If I don’t. Stay the hell out and leave me alone. I’m either a very warm and welcoming person or extremely cold and hostile. If I like someone I’ll treat them like a King or Queen, but if I don’t I’m extremely closed off and an ice Queen.

I’ve been quite grumpy lately and I’m still trying to figure out why. I think it’s just the stress of money and making sure I have enough to do all the things I want to do. I’m trying so hard to save money and it’s stressing me out like crazy. I’m not good at saving and excel at spending. I’m trying to make sure I save all my money I make so that I can just pay cash for the bike, but there’s all kinds of stupid bills that keep coming up that I’m not expecting. Like my $500 heating and electricity bill I just got from December. Holy Hell. I hate stupid Christmas lights and cold weather. Sheesh.

All my kids birthdays are all in a row and there’s skiing and snowboarding to do. I just get so frustrated cuz I want to do it all… for some reason I feel a sense of urgency to do all these things I’ve always wanted to do… I don’t know why.

I wonder if it’s cuz somehow I know I’m gonna die within the next few years so I’m trying to pack in as much as I can? Hmmm…. I just feel antsy. I feel like a caged tiger that is just pacing. I just want to get out there and do and go, yet I feel my family and life is holding me back. I feel a lot of guilt for pursuing all the things I want to do. Crazy. But I do.

It’s been awhile since I last posted. I’ve been just hand writing in a journal. Sometimes I find that is a great therapy. Now that horrible is December is over. I still hate Christmas and I still hate December and what it brings about. Too many parties, too many obligations, too much money spending and too many things to do. I really do shut down for December.

I was in a fog the entire month. I could barely go anywhere or do anything. I was spiraling down and could not get myself to shake off my horrible mood. The only bright shining light I had to hold on to was that I was able to chat and talk to Dave quite a bit for the first few weeks in December. It made life bearable. He was really my only human contact other than my family. I distanced myself from everyone and just shut down. Didn’t return calls, barely went to work, and slept for a lot of the day.

I hate being a manic depressive or “bipolar” as the new term is. Seriously, I don’t know why they have to change the name all the time. It’s so stupid. So I have ADD AND Manic issues…. Sheesh. Way to go me for picking up a stupid brain.

January started up and I was very happy that Christmas was over. I felt very invigorated and ready to roar. I had a surge of energy and the fog which filled my brain was gone. I was on a high. The roller coaster was moving up.

First day back at work. The boss pulled me and and we had a 3 hour conversation as to why I wasn’t around much and what the heck was going on with me. I must admit I only showed up for 6 days of day work. I showed up for all my night shifts, but day work I was hating. It just was too much for me and my family. I wasn’t coping well, had too many balls up in the air and they were crashing down around me.

So I helped her make the decision that she didn’t want to do. I told her that I would fire me if I wasn’t performing the way I wanted an employee to perform and that no matter what I would always be her friend and not to blur the friendship and the work aspect of our relationship. She still wanted me on the floor, so I will stay on the floor and be a floor manager still and do marketing for the theatre, just not the sales part that she wants to expand. Which is totally fine by me and makes me happy.

So I began to work for Ryan during the day, but the great thing is that I just show up whenever I want. Also it is great to see him. Our relationship has improved significantly since I am now able to see him more than 15 min. at night. I like it. It’s really great. I was seriously headed for divorce court with him. I was so angry and pissed at him constantly.

I’m a quality time person and if I don’t spend time with him I begin to hate him fast. So now I see him 3 times a week and we have a great time at work. I’m always giving him hugs and kisses or sitting on his lap or just chatting with him. It’s nice to just get back to us without 8 million kids around us. We have the guys at the shop, but I love working with all guys. They are so casual and easy going and they are always fooling around and joking. It’s great. I love working with guys. They are a blast!

I’m trying to find my bike at a decent price. I am also trying to find my gear at a decent price. It’s so hard, especially cuz I’m so small. There’s lots of large sizes, just not my size. I’ve called down to San Francisco to talk to the Dainese store down there, but again they don’t have what I’m looking for. I know exactly what I want and what I’m looking for. So now I’m just trying to find the best price.

I have a couple of guys helping me buy my bike. It’s so great. I love having help with this stuff, cuz I don’t know what the hell I’m doing so I love it when someone takes me under their wing and helps me out. I’m just waiting to hear back from a dealership in High River. I was so upset to find out that the dealer out there sold the 250 Ninja for $4200. Holy Hellz! I wish I would have found out this place sooner. I would have bought it instantly. He had my color and everything. So basically that’s what I’m focusing on these days. I dream of my bike. I think of it and I’m searching the bike and gear online.

I just wish there was some way to clone myself so I could do more things at once or just be able to stop time so I could get more things done.