The journey between here and there

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’ and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

This video is so touching and just incredible. Even after people mocked her she puts forth a show stopping performance with her amazing voice and wins over the crowd and judges. Truly inspiring. Never stop dreaming. Never stop trying to live your dream. Dreams do come true with hard work and effort. Everyone just needs a chance.

Watch it. It’s fun and full of spunk. She’s my new hero.

Some fabulous eye candy that I’d love to nibble on.

Indy after Indiana Jones and the Indy 500.

We got a purebred Golden Retriever Puppy. It’s from the show line so they are calm and not psycho like the field GR. He is absolutely beautiful and I just adore him. I’ve loved GR my entire life. I grew up with one and when it was taken away from me so tragically I vowed that one day I would have another one. He’s such a good puppy and I love him to bits. I spoil him rotten and he is so well behaved. Look at that face. It’s just sooooooo cute!

I can’t wait to be able to go out and take him with me on my runs in the morning.

I wanted to get Laura a kitten and a puppy for her birthday on March 18. I managed to get a pregnant cat, whoo hoo! Who gave birth to 5 kittens on March 20, 2009.

On Laura’s birthday, Ryan and I packed up the kids drove out to Airdrie to pick up a kennel. When we were loading the kennel into the Sequoia Mya looks at it and says, “What’s that for?”

“It’s your new bed. What do you think?” I said with a grin on my face teasing her.

She began to pout. “But I don’t want to sleep in there! I don’t want that bed.”

“Ok, then who should we use it for?” I asked her.

Without hesitating she says, “Brandon.” Then giggles in her evil way. HA! I roared laughing.

“Ok, then it is for Brandon. Sit down and wipe away your tears.” She was very happy that Brandon was going to be locked up in the kennel. Those 2 have such a feud going on between the 2 of them.

After blowing off all the questions from the kids as to what it was for we continued our drive out to Bowden and went to a farm. When we entered their small trailer I said to Laura, “ok, see all these 6 puppies? Well, for your second gift for your birthday, you get to pick any puppy you want.”

The look on her face was just priceless. She didn’t believe me at first.

“Really? Ya, right.” She scoffed at me.

“No really. Let’s ask daddy.”

So we went over to Ryan and asked, “Can Laura have any puppy she wants?”

“Yep, Happy Birthday sweetie!” He gave her a huge grin.

She instantly got tears in her eyes and her face crumpled in surprise, shock and happiness.

It was the best reaction ever. We played with all the pups for an hour and finally she chose this one. He was very calm and relaxed… we really need that in our family.

So we paid $350, got all his papers, and loaded him up for the trip home. I held him in my arms and snuggled him the whole way home. I just adore that puppy.

He’s such a good dog. Very smart, listens well and is so, so uber cute.

We now have 5 kids, 1 dog, 1 cat and 5 kittens. Oh happy day! We are now officially a zoo!

Mya’s eyes grow big as a saucer and her face instantly clouds.

“Mom! Brandon took my fork! Give me back my fork you steeler! Mom, Brandon is a steeler!” She shrieks.

“Brandon give Mya’s fork back.”

Brandon just shrugs and tosses the fork at Mya.

“Brandon also took my chair!” She wails.

“Mya, just go get another chair,” I sigh.

Her mouth forms an o and she looks at me in disgust. “AH!” She humph’s and stares at me, then turns to glare at Brandon as she storms off to get her chair.

Laura and I just crack up laughing. Mya is just such a character.

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Mya comes bounding up to me.

“Mom, I’ve got something for you!” She pipes up.

“What is it?” I ask her wearily.

She then throws her arms around me and simply says, “A hug.”

She seems to do this when she knows that I’m grumpy and just sitting there sullenly. She’s so sweet.

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I’ve never had an operation before, never taken drugs, never been drunk or smoked in my entire life. I’ve never been under a general anesthetic before and boy, what a crazy trip it is. I came out of the operation fine, but my body was like a rag doll. My head was rolling about, I was slurring my words, mumbling and talking really quiet. Normally it only takes the "normal" person a couple of hours to come out of an operation under a general, but not me. It took me a good 6 hours. The doctor was quite worried and the nurse called me "weird." 

 Phft… nice. I KNOW I’m weird. I’ve had 5 kids, no stretch marks and my body zaps down to the way it looked in high school. My body is weird. I now know that drugs affect my body really crazy like. It just puts me right out. Ryan loves the T3’s. I think he’s going to give some to me every night just to calm me down and make me sleep. He gave me 2 T3’s and I’m instantly out within 2 min and I sleep for 6 hours. I don’t remember anything, I just zonk out. Every now and then I try to wake myself up, but my body is so heavily drugged I can’t seem to keep my eyes open. Everything is hazy for 2 days as Ryan religiously follows the prescribed doctors orders on how much drugs to keep me on. 

I go see the Doctor again for a check up and I’m still a rag doll. The doc is still very worried and tells Ryan to only give me one T3 because he can’t even get a proper response out of me. The surgery went well and everything will be fine.

I must sound different on the phone as well because everyone I talked to was asking me if I was ok, what the matter was and if I was just in surgery. Huh? How did they know? I would just blow it off and try to get my regular voice back, but I guess my loud, obnoxious, crazy voice wouldn’t appear. Instead it was a sedated, quiet, small voice. Whatever. I’ve stopped talking to people on the phone, I hate the nagging questions. I know people are just concerned, but I’ll be fine. I’m superwoman, nothing can hold me down.

Ryan has been getting the house in ship shape, making the kids work like it was a work factory… all work, no play. The house looks great and I just sleep. I have waking moments, but mostly I’m in a fog. I wish I can hurry up and recover already. I hate being sick and I hate having to slow down. I wish my body would hurry up already.  I’m itching to ride my bike. It’s all paid for and it’s just sitting at the dealers. I figure I’ll let it sit there instead of having to pay insurance on it for a month that I don’t drive it. I’ll hopefully pick it up by Mother’s Day.  

In the mean time I exist on smoothies and T3’s until my body heals itself. I’m rather annoyed I didn’t have a near death experience. I was kind of hoping I would die and they would bring me back, give me a quick peek into the other side…. but alas, no… I’m sure the doctors thought I was very odd as that was one of the questions that came out of my mouth as there were trying to wake me up…

"Did I die on the operating table?"

"No" 

"Hmph… too bad. How did it go? Everything go ok? You didn’t have to bring me back to life?" 

"Everything went very well and no we didn’t have to bring you back to life."

I think I must have asked that question 5 times as I was trying to wake up.

My response each time was, "oh…. too bad."

As I was heading into surgery I was pissed at Ryan because he made me late. He insisted on going to the gym in the morning and I told him he didn’t have time. We were 30 min. late. I was furious because he didn’t listen to me. I hissed at him as they lead me away, "if I see the light, I’m heading towards it and I’m NOT coming BACK!!!! You’re on your own!" I growled.

LOL… nice. Nice way to say goodbye to someone. Sheesh, I’m such a freakn’ nut. I don’t know why he puts up with me at times. 

Unfortunately or Fortunately… depending on how you look at it, I didn’t die. I guess it’s just not my time yet. One day it will be. Hopefully, I’ll be a bit nicer on my way out. 

Mya: Josh it is inappropriate to eat with your fingers.

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Mya: Mom, I’ve decided to change my name.

Me: Oh ya?

Mya: Yep

Me: What’ your new name?

Mya: Raven

Me: Raven huh?  (I’m trying so hard not to laugh.) ok Raven. How are you Raven? What’s shaking Raven? What’s new in the zoo Raven? What are you up to Raven?

Mya: Mom, quit making fun of my new name. 

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I really don’t like Superman Returns the movie, because I think the writers and director really screwed up what could have been fantastic. Stupid story line…. Superman knocks up Lois Lane? Really? So dumb… Lois was horrible. She sucked raw eggs. The Supes they choose was even worse. Tom Welling is my only superman and I can only see him playing the role. The only good thing about that show was Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey. That man is a genius! Loved his performance. 

Anyway, Ryan bought the movie to play while driving and because he’s on this, "I’m gonna buy any stupid movie" kick right now. So the kids are watching the show and every single time Superman comes into view Luke, the 2 1/2 year old screams out, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Superman!!!!!! YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Superman!!!" And he screams and giggles and claps. It just makes that movie bearable. We all just laugh at his reaction to seeing Superman come on screen.  

Really truly, that’s how I feel when Tom Welling appears on screen in Smallville. "Yeaaaahhh!!!! Tom!!!"

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Anytime I am not feeling good or if I’m grumpy, Josh will always come up to me and give me a hug. He is such a sweet boy. He is my most sensitive child and I just adore him.

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My kids have said so many other things that have cracked me up, but unfortunately I didn’t write them down fast enough and my brain is getting Alzheimer’s really bad.