The journey between here and there

So I’m going…. I think… I keep changing my mind back and forth constantly…. I’m farming out the kids to friends and relatives and I’ve got my money to go, but the ball and chain is guilting me to stay. I’m pissed. He always ruins things for me. Instead of being excited with me and helping me plan stuff out, everything is always left up to me to plan everything. It drives me nuts. I really want input, but he just doesn’t care. He just goes along for the ride and shows up expecting me to take care of all the details. Seriously, it’s frustrating and pisses me off… I’m so stressed, my hair is turning white from the tips to roots again cuz I’ve got so much stress built up inside of me. *ugh*

This is what chaps my butt…. last year when I was booking these tickets, I asked for input as to when he wanted to go. He didn’t care. So I went ahead and decided to go on a solo trip to Hawaii in June and take him to go to NY in September. I picked June cuz the kids would be still in school and it would be before summer so it wouldn’t interfere with any camping plans and whoever watched the kids could watch them without having to have them around 24/7 cuz they would be in school. I also wanted to do a solo trip there. It seems like a place you can do lots of adrenaline junkie stuff and I am all over that. So then in Feb, the ball and chain get into a big scrap and he wants to come along with me. He thinks I’m off to have some sort of sordid affair with some hot Hawaiian… HA! Stupid, but whatever. The only affair I’d have is with Tom Welling, cuz he’s my sexception. Anyway, so then he convinces me to let him come by telling me he’s going to pay for the entire trip if I let him. He’s speaking my language of money so I say ok.

Now that June is upon us, he’s find every excuse in the book NOT to go. So I just told him he doesn’t have to come, I’ll cancel his ticket and I’ll go by myself. I’m ok to do that. In fact that’s an adventure I want…. so then he sees how hell bent on going I am and he then says he’s coming. Drives me nuts. In the mean time though he’s playing his stupid passive aggressive crap and being manipulative by listing all the reasons why we shouldn’t go and making me feel guilty.

Like:
1. Luke will have a hard time with us gone. We’ve never been away from the kids for 10 days before.
2. Who’s going to watch the kids - - I already solved this one. I’ve split my kids up and farmed them out.
3. It’s his busy season and he really can’t take time off from work because they need him.- I asked him in the beginning when I was booking the tickets… I can’t switch them because flights are too expensive now.
4. He wants to put our trips to NY and Hawaii towards Disneyland for Christmas.
5. He doesn’t think we should travel without the kids.
6. We’d miss the annual parade in the town and the meat sale we always go to.

I’m so frustrated. Thankfully, my friend Shauna is telling me not to listen to him and tell me that if I don’t go, she’ll kick my arse. So I’m going to go…. cuz she’d really do it and I’d never hear the end of it from her… hehe…

Thank goodness for her. We are so much alike in our personalities, yet different in some ways that we get along great. I convinced her not to marry her loser fiance who is just using her for $$$ and he was too much like Ryan. I told her not to waste her time cuz she would just be miserable for the rest of her life and if he’s not making her happy NOW, he definitely not going to make her happy when they are married. It just gets worse because guys think they don’t have to try anymore after they get married.

“Do you want to be miserable like me? ” I asked her? “NO!” I answered for her. I told her that it would be the hardest thing to do, but that I’m saving her from divorce #2. He’s not her match. I told her that the day I got married I didn’t want to get married and I felt this sense of dread and doom on my wedding day… MY WEDDING DAY…. suppose to be the happiest time of my life and I felt like I was going to my death. May sound dramatic, but that’s how I felt. Now she’s feeling dread as well… and if she feels dread BEFORE the marriage, it is just not meant to be. So after spending the evening convincing her out of this relationship, she saw the vision and has given him the boot. I just understood everything she was going through and how she was feeling. Thankfully, she had someone to give her a shake and not let her go through with it. I didn’t have that someone to talk some sense into me. I wish I did. Ah well….. Now I’m just ranting.

I had a crazy dream last night that I was married to someone else. Ryan had died and I was with someone else. I saw his face. He was so freakn’ cute. I didn’t know his name, but I just remember feeling so happy and free. I still had all the kids and he was a great guy to the kids. He looked like a football player, wide chest, big arms. He wrapped his arms around me and I just felt so much love for him. Weird, cuz I really keep my emotions close to me. We were laughing. Over what, I don’t remember. Just that I was blissfully happy at that moment. It’s nutty what your brain thinks up, huh…. Whatever… just a stupid dream.

I’m also frustrated cuz I haven’t ridden my bike lots in the past few days. It’s been so nice, but I’ve been so busy, doing laundry, cleaning up, packing and trying to get ready for Hawaii so it’s not just a last minute pack like I did to Vegas where I just threw everything in a suitcase because I didn’t have time to plan it all out. I need to pack all 5 kids and the dog for 10 days at someone else’s house. Yikes. I feel stress just thinking about it. It’s all good. Things will work out…

Brief tales of Luke… my 2 1/2 year old… patience is a virtue, although I understand why animals eat their young.

1. Climbing onto the roof
2. Poo - everywhere… in the bathroom, the carpet, the halls.
3. Diaper off every hour. Racing around naked constantly
4. Turning the bath water on to hot.
5. empty entire jug of water on kitchen floor.
6. Thin mist of Pam spray everywhere
7. Luke took off 3 times down the road. Fireman brought him back 2x. Neighbor lady said he was playing at the park and brought him back.
8. Dumped 3 jugs of 11L of water on the floor.
9. Permanent marker on the walls and hardwood floors
10. waffle batter mix on the kitten, himself and the deck
11. entire roll of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor and in the toilet.
12. running downstairs naked just as people are at my door.
13. Spilling the entire contents of a full tub onto the bathroom floor.
14. making the tub into a slip n’ slide using all the shampoo in the bathroom.
15. tormenting the puppy, kitten and cat
16. throwing toys, books and everything all over the house…. basically destroying the house every chance he gets.

I’ve put Josh in football, hoping to get him loving a sport, build his self esteem and toughen him up a bit. It’s been up and down. One minute he’s loving it, the next he’s not. He’s very, very fast. He’s one of the quickest kids out there on the field. They were doing time trials on sprints and line work and he got the fastest times.

He’s also one of the smallest. He hates being tackled. Which I told him if he doesn’t want to get tackled, then he needs to run fast and avoid the other players so he can make a touchdown at the end of the field. Although yesterday he recovered a fumble and got dog piled on. He didn’t mind it he said later. LOL…

He’s a great kid, so sensitive, very funny and so sweet. Maybe I’m just a softy, but when he cries I just feel so freakn’ bad cuz there’s nothing I can do to protect his feelings except to give him a hug, tell him I love him and that he’s a great kid.

He really wants to go into baseball so I’m going to find him a baseball camp he can go into in the summer. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have so many kids so I could really focus all my energies on 1 or 2 kids at a time. It costs so much money to put 5 kids into sports and various activities….

That is the state of my mind constantly. I at least know why… I got an ADD magazine and it’s so great knowing that I’m not the only one who is a little chaotic in the brain. The magazine is called “ADDITUDE”. It’s such a great magazine. Only 4 issues a year for $20 but when I opened it, all the articles were like meant for me. Like, how to be more organized, pay attention tips, what kind of purse to have, if you should tell your boss you have ADD, hyper focusing, etc. It was just jam packed full of stuff that I wonder and question as well. I just loved it.

Heh. I have a bunch of posts that are 1/2 started, but not finished. I’m so busy, but have no time to really write anything. So I’m going to try to do mini posts each day. TRY being the operative word here.