The journey between here and there

I’m taking these Empower vitamins through True Hope and they are seriously the only thing that is saving my marriage. Crazy, but very true. I find that when I come off them I know they are wearing off when I start to pick fights with Ryan and I begin to hate him. Odd, yet very true. If I take them for too long I begin to stay up a night because too much stays in my system and I can’t sleep. I need to figure out the proper dosage.

Right now I’ve been off them for a few days and I’m getting extremely irritable and I really am beginning to hate him again. It just drives me nuts that whenever his father calls, he gets up and go does whatever his dad wants. When I ask him to do stuff he just ignores me…. or just tells me what I want to hear so I’ll shut up, then continue his merry way of doing nothing.

I hate being married. Really. Maybe I should fix that statement. I hate being married to HIM.

We’ve turned into one of those couples that live together and tolerate each other for the kids sake I think. He does his thing, I do my thing, we don’t see each other much and if we do it’s dull and boring. Communication consists of what the kids are up to. It annoys me that he gets up so early to go work out, then comes home exhausted after work and goes straight to bed. He rarely pays any attention to me or the kids. I think he doesn’t like being home, he gets up and leaves the house for hours on end. He’s been working out like crazy and he looks great. He’s been tanning, going to yoga and working out like a dog. He’s also been shaving his body hair as well. My friend who has gone through divorce and the whole, ‘guy cheating on her’ thing is quite leery. She’s suspicious and says that I should be more aware and not so trusting. I do feel a little nagging voice, but Ryan’s such a charmer. He can talk his way out of everything. Of course I’ve already confronted him, but he’s saying it’s all for me. Right. And what about the past 15 years? I dunno. I don’t want to discourage him from working out. I do wonder what he does when he leaves for hours when he isn’t working. He’s always got some sort of valid excuse. Whatever. I just don’t even care anymore what he does. I’ve begged him to spend time with the kids and hang out with us, but unless it’s a forced vacation he’s too busy working out or working.

I don’t wait for him anymore to do things. The kids and I just go out without him. Out of courtesy I will call him and tell him what we’re doing and if he wants he can join us, but he’s always too busy. I’ve stopped doing anything for him. I no longer cook for him or do his laundry or clean up. I’ve given up. I’m just biding my time. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of asking him to do things. I’ve just started to do them myself.

I’m wondering if it’s bad that I really liked being away from Ryan so much. Every time he goes away, I just breathe a sigh of relief. He drives me nuts and I really hate living with him. I wish we could live in separate houses. I’m sure he wishes the same thing. Marriage sucks. It really does. I’m sure once I’m on my vitamins again I’ll change my tune, but right now I’m so annoyed at him.

The kids and I camped at Sandy McNab for 3 days and it was the best 3 days ever! We had so much fun! I wasn’t stressed, or angry or irritated or frustrated at all. I was blissfully happy. The kids and I just went and did whatever we wanted. It was so great! I just loved it.

I’ve been writing in a journal when I go camping. I love to sit amongst the trees, the river, bask in the sun and warmth of the day and just write. It’s so peaceful and serene camping in the mountains in Kananaskis. I love nature so much. Cities drive me crazy. It’s too chaotic for my brain.

I got to see a female deer while camping. We were able to get up to 6ft away from her before the boys screamed and ran after her. Then she bolted out of there. Ridiculous kids. I was so irked. I love Sandy McNab because the campsites are far away from each other, there was hardly anyone there, so the kids and the dog ran out and played in the trees. It was fantastic! It was so relaxing, so low stress and so beautiful. I think I’ll go back again in the middle of August.