Not a good sign….
Is it bad to love not having Ryan around when I go camping…. or ever? I went to Sandy McNab and Writing On Stone without him and had the time of my life! I was relaxed, had a routine down, everything was fun, light and simple. I just went on my own time schedule and didn’t have to go Ryan’s time. I just absolutely loved it. I love camping at WOS. It was the best camp site ever! The kids ran to the hoodoos and to the river back and forth all day. They had water gun fights and I loved the camp ground cuz the only extra fees to camping there was treating the kids to an ice cream or a slushie when it was hot out. We saw deer, rabbits, a raccoon came and ate our dog food at night. The weather was perfect, hot and the days went by wonderfully.
I called Ryan on our last day to make sure he was coming out or Shauna was coming out to pick us all up. He whined that he missed us. I told him that the kids missed him, but I didn’t cuz he just stresses me out so much.
FOR EXAMPLE… we get back from camping. We had been gone for 4 days.
4.
1.2.3.4 days.
The day we left I was running around getting everything ready to go and the kids left a couple glasses of milk on the table. When I got back the glasses were STILL on the table, the milk had turned sour, all curdled with fruit flies in them loving life. The dishes hadn’t been emptied out of the dishwasher, dishes were piled in the sink and the one thing I asked him to do before he left, called and reminded him AND left him a note on the fridge… he didn’t do… what was it? Take out the recycling and the trash on Wednesday.
It’s not rocket science. So I instantly was annoyed when I got home. I talked to him about it and asked him why he didn’t do it… he forgot… he was too busy… he went from work to the gym to bed… he was hardly around.… those were his excuses… so then later we’re talking and he then begins to talk about the movies he watched while we were away. That’s when I snapped. So he had time to watch 4 movies, yet he couldn’t take the time to put the glasses of milk in the sink and rinse it out? He passes the table EVERY MORNING on his way to the fridge where he grabs his fruit and milk for his shake every morning and evening. He couldn’t move the garbage pails outside? Holy hell…. I was furious.
So then I make dinner. Steak, stir fry, rice. So yummy. After dinner he just gets up and leaves. Doesn’t clean his plate or bring it to the sink. The kids bring their plate to the sink, but he doesn’t. His excuse? I forgot I was too tired. Seriously…. so am I! Yet I’m left to constantly clean up after him AND the kids. He’s an idiot. I can’t stand living with him. I wish we could live in separate houses.
Marriage sucks. I hate it. Men just stop trying once they figure they’ve got you. It sucks. I’m so sick of it. I’ve tried talking to him several times and he just plays dumb or he has a million excuses as to why he can’t help or his inability to continue to ‘date’ me.
I’d rather be by myself and depend on no one but myself than to turn to him and constantly be disappointed. He always lies to me and makes promises he can’t keep. I’m just so sick of it.
And no matter how unloving and mean I am towards him, he still sticks around and thinks life is the best ever. I’m just flabbergasted and exasperated. He never fights with me. He always avoids confrontation. Just tells me what I want to hear. He’s a total hard core passive aggressive. I hate it.
I constantly plan out his funeral in my mind. Is that bad? I think so…. *sigh* I’ve figure out what I’d say, what I would do, where people would sit, who I’d invite, the food, the music, what I’d do after,…. go on a trip. Take the life insurance and play hard. Invest it and just travel…. I haven’t picked out exactly WHERE in the cemetery to bury him, so I suppose that’s a good sign…. mental note… next time I go on a run, run by the cemetery to scope it out.
He’s just an idiot and I’m tired of living with an idiot. It’s so frustrating. But do you give up financial security or do you give up personal happiness? I dunno. It’s hard. I’ve got 5 kids. Ryan would be a total prick to deal with if we got divorced and I know he wouldn’t pay child support. The kids would have to live with him, although it would be so hard for them cuz he’d never be around and he’d make Laura do everything. There’s 5 of them. It’s not like there’s just 1.
I wish I could have an open marriage. We’d stay together for the sake of the kids, but just go out and date and do whatever we wanted. *sigh* again… I’m sure that’s a bad thought. I just have so many bad thoughts. It’s really getting hard to control them all… thank goodness I’m not Darth Vader.
That and I don’t feel like dealing with his issues. I found more crap on my computer when I was just going through some files and deleting things that were downloaded off the internet. I confronted him about them and again… out pours the excuses. I’m sick of them. I keep being optimistic that things will change and get better…. but I’m just a naive stupid girl.
He’s lost his wedding ring way back at the beginning of July. I’ve told him where it is and he hasn’t made the effort to go get it and put it back on. I really don’t care. I wish he’d go off and have an affair so I’d have a valid excuse to get out besides just being a bitch and wanting more out of a relationship.
I always think that I will go do things for myself, but he’s never around to watch the kids so I can. Laura can watch them, but then she feels annoyed that she has to watch them all the time. When I do go out, he whines that I’m not around when he gets home and the kids have torn apart the house and where’s supper?
I’ve got to get myself financially set. I’m going to start working again. They said that they’d offer me 100 G’s if I’d just commit and work 9 - 5 M-F. *ugh* I just don’t know if I can mentally handle it. I suppose if I HAD to I could, but I really love to play. I love my nothing days. I love having an open schedule. I feel so run down and worn out. I’ve GOT to figure myself out. I’ve got to write down some goals, post them everywhere so I don’t forget and just start aggressively pursing them. I’m so sick of wasting away my life. I want to spend time with the kids. They are heaps of fun. I don’t want to work full time. I want quiet days. I also want to get out of this mess I got myself into.
We didn’t even celebrate our anniversary this year. He forgot, until I reminded him. I didn’t get him anything. I didn’t know what to get him. He got me these earrings from Hawaii. A nice gesture sure. However, he paid way too much for them and they are too big for me. They look stupid. I just want our wedding pictures. I’ve been asking him to get them for me and he gets me all kinds of other crap except for what I ask for. I swear he’s THE most dense guy I’ve ever met. I’m sure I sound like the most ungrateful byatch around, but I’m just not a jewelry person and I’m very picky. I do have jewelry items picked out, which I’ve clipped and put on the fridge that he uses every day.
I mentioned this to him and his response…. You did? I’ve never seen them. Really? I’ve never noticed.
Shocker.
I could walk around with purple hair and he wouldn’t notice.
I think he does try… maybe in his own way he tries… but how can someone be so dense all the time? He just irritates me immensely.
I’m so much happier when he’s not around. It’s horrid to say, yet true. Bleh. Men suck. I don’t believe in happily ever after. It doesn’t exist. I’ve told my girls that. I’ve told them they have to be financially secure themselves with a good job so they don’t have to depend on anyone. Laura wants to be an anesthesiologist. She’s got the brains that she could do it too. Mya… too early to tell yet, but I’ve got to try to get her to find something she might enjoy. That one would be an excellent lawyer cuz she’s just ferocious.
The entire time while we were on vacation I would ask him if it was ok that we stopped at the farm or at my school and he’d say, “sure, I don’t want to stress you out, we’ll do whatever you want.”
I just rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and didn’t say anything. I turned up my ipod and glared out the window. F. Seriously F me.