Happy Thanksgiving….
Well, I can’t believe it’s been almost another year. Thankfully, this year, I finally found some vitamins that help my brain issues. The truehope stuff is amazing. I was off it again since Wednesday. Today is Monday and holy toledo. I could feel myself spiral downward and get sleepy, cranky, depressed, lethargic and just shut down. It was not good. I realized what my issue was and took my vitamins. It took a few hours for it to kick in so I was good and stable again, but sheesh. I have to make sure to always take them. They make such a night and day difference with me.
I was motivated, happy, and I wasn’t on a war path. Stupid brain chemicals.
Things are going good again. Life is weird for me. It kind of ebbs and flows. Good days, smashed with the bad days. What makes the difference is how much I like or hate Ryan that day. He always frustrates me, but with those vitamins, they numb all my anger and hate towards him. He’ll do something stupid, like forget something I’ve asked him to do 5 times, given reminders calls, notes, emails, texts, etc and instead of flying into a crazy rage, I don’t feel any anger at all. I don’t feel the sheer rage.
I don’t feel happiness. I just coast along in this clarity of balance. No extremes anymore. I really miss the wild, crazy frenzy of happiness I get, but I really don’t miss my lows. I’m much more productive and in control of my emotions this way… if that means not to feel pure craziness, then I guess it must.
I function much better with these vitamins now and when I do want to feel the crazy happiness, I just go off of them for a few days and hope that my cycle is on the up and not on the down. When I came off them on Wednesday, it took a couple days for them to fully drain from my system, but by Friday/Saturday I hit a brick wall and unfortunately it wasn’t my up week, it was a downward spiral.
I got so much accomplished around the house after taking the vitamins, cleaning, organizing, sorting. I’m just so proud of myself. I know that may not be a big deal to the normal average person, but to me, it’s the world. If I can focus and keep being driven I can take on anything.
I’m thankful for Ryan, cuz even though he pisses me off and sends me to the brink of the darkside where my head will start spinning and explode at any second, he always provides for our little family. We are such opposites. Why he puts up with me and thinks I’m so adorable is just beyond me. His unconditional love is something I’m really not used to and even though we’ve been together for 15 years now, it just baffles me.No matter how much I tell him one day that I hate him, one day I’ll love him and one day I’ll really dislike him. He just still sticks by me. Why? I don’t know. I know I’d never put up with someone if they did that to me. I’d flip out.
I just still keep him at a distance. Never fully loving him. He has made me so angry and upset in the past that it’s just easier to not love him unconditionally. He’s my friend. He always will be….. and do I love him? I suppose. In my own way. Very leery and watchful of him tho.