The journey between here and there

Thank you for calling Santa’s workshop. Unfortunately Santa can’t come to the phone right now, he’s in the den throwing back the eggnog. The elves are out BBQ’ing Blitzen and the rest of the reindeer are in the flight simulator. Mrs. Claus is getting her freak on with Bernard the top elf and the elf’s penguins are raiding the pantry. Please leave your name and Christmas list after the beep. We know if you’re naughty or nice…. and if you’re naughty, please leave the details!

This was my answering machine message for the Xmas season.

Yeah, so for a couple weeks I had a lame answering message that just said: “Leave a message.”

*SIGH* Unfortunately EVERYONE and their DOG thought they would do so since it was such a nice, to the point short message. People were a little surprised that it was so short, but I got WAAAAAAAY to many messages cluttering up my machine. So I changed it to this:

“Bye! Later you at talk. Possible as soon as you to back get I’ll and number and name your leave to time the take please. Now right busy we’re. 7654-321 at place our reached you’ve. Hi!”

I’ve got plenty of hang ups with people saying, “I don’t understand your message.” or “I thought I had called the wrong number.” or “I thought I had to call that other number.” LOL…. I’ve also had people leave messages backwards to me which was annoying since it was from Ryan’s brother who is annoying anyway.

Well, if this doesn’t deter people from leaving a message I’m going to have to think up a longer one or put up my police department one…. I think that one will be next.

This is on my answering machine right now:

“Hohoho! Merry Christmas! Thank you for calling Santa’s workshop. Santa can’t come to the phone right now, he is busy dealing with Mrs. Claus. The elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen and the other reindeer are playing games. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list and tell us if you’ve been naughty or nice this year! We’ll get back to you soon!”

This is my Police Dept. Answering Machine Message that I put on just for Chad cuz he’s an extra special “stick em’ up” cop!

Hello, you have reached the Police Department Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:

To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created yourself, press 1.

To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem, press 2.

To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, speak loudly after the click then hit the phone on your head 3 times.

If you would like us to raise your children, press 3.

If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 4.

To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 5.

To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you’ll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 6.

To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather than keeping your dumb ass in line, press 7.

Please note your call may be monitored, so we can all laugh about it at the donut shop later…and remember… we’re here to save your ass, NOT kiss it.

Thank you for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day!

This is a long one. I had to switch from the telephone company voice mail and to a regular answering machine that lets me leave a 5 min. message. This is the one that gets the most laughs and call backs. This one also irritates the hell out of my friends because it is so long…they keep forgetting to push * to by-pass the message. I say this in my professional secretary voice.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press — no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8, state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk with you.

Now this message gets a mixed reaction, some laugh, some think it’s rude and some have to call back 3 times before they figure out that there is no Crisis Hotline and it’s just my answering machine. I like it, I’d say it’s one of my favorites. The first 3 lines are said in a calming, demure, sweet voice. The last line is said in an angry, bitchy almost yelling voice.

“Thank you for calling the International PMS Crisis Hotline.

All our councillors are occupied at the moment. We want to help.

So please leave your name and number after the beep….

OR WE’LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR”

*BEEP*

I like to change my answering machine message about once every 2 weeks. It gives me, callers something to look forward to.

This is my new one:

(Narrator’s voice. Think Masterpiece Theatre with dramatic pauses and voice fluctuations.)

There Ryan sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a furry of toilet paper, with Ryan in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will be make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

I get bored of having the same message playing over and over so I like to change my message. I try not to make it too funny cuz then people tend to have the entire office call my house. I’ve learned this the hard way…

When I play back my messages I see that I have 10 messages? Wow! I think, someone must really need to talk to me. It must be important… but no, just a bunch of bored office workers with too much time on their hands.

The messages all sound like this, “hahahahah” or “haha, that was funny. Bob come here” or “*snort, snicker*” or “that’s great!” or “that’s original” or “that’s the best message I’ve ever heard!” *click*

I’ve actually had a lady call my house twice in a matter of a few minutes. The first time I didn’t answer. The second time I thought it must be important so I’d better answer the phone.

me: Hello.
caller: Oh, you’re home?
me: It would appear that way.
caller: Well, could you hang up and don’t answer when I call again? I have my mother on the line and I’m doing a 3-way call here and I want her to listen to your message. It’s so funny.
me: Sure.

*click*

However, when my mother calls she usually says this:

“Joanne? Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone! Are you there? Hello! If you’re there pick up the phone, I need to talk to you. Hello! Joanne! Joooaaannnnaaa! What are you doing? Pick up the phone! It’s me! Mom. Pick up the phone. Joanna. I don’t like your answering machine message. It’s stupid. Pick up the phone! Joanna! Joanna! Why do you always have to put such crazy messages on your phone? *silence for 10 seconds* Helloo! Pick up the phone! Are you there? Hello! I have something to tell you that you want to know about! Pick up the phone…”

I don’t think my mother quite understands the concept of the answering machine.

Loud Simple Plan music playing in the background.

” Hello.

Hello?

Helloooooo

Hello?

Hold on a second, I gotta go turn down the music. (pause for 6 seconds, music gets quieter)

ok, sorry about that. Hey how’s it going?

(pause for 7 seconds)

hahaha, That was just me playn’ with you! You’ve called the number you called so leave your blah, blah, blah after the beep and I’ll get back to you. Talk to ya later. Bye.”

People fall for it every time! LMAO! *sigh* It’s so fun to hear people try to talk while the message is playing. Then when they leave a message they are usually exasperated or pissed off… I love it!