The journey between here and there

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can
you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in
Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where
the female population is smaller than the male population?( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I
forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns.( USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

So I’m forwarded this ‘joke’ which I think actually mimics real life.

‘Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’
‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends. ‘’Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..'’

I laugh at this cuz this is sooooooo true. This has happened with us as well. I find it quite amusing. .

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

****************************************

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

****************************

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I’m not going to understand women.

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

**********************************

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

********************************************

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’

‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

*******************************

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.

30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

******************************

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!’

*******************************************

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’

Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’

Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me.’

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says’HEBREWS’

**********************************

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

A teacher asks her class, ‘if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’ She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’

The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’

Then little Johnny says, ‘I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little Johnny replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,'’ but I like your thinking.’

I stumbled upon these crazy set of videos. HILARIOUS. There are lots of them… the ones below are my favorites.

This is my favorite one:

I think I’ll try this one on Ryan:
Pie Hard with a Vengence…

And this one too….

So funny…

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from a broken arm among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room
engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!!” My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then said,

“Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??”

And sure enough……..!!!

Author Unknown

In case this is too small to read it says:

Hi Steven,

Do I have your attention now?
I know all about her, you dirty, sneaky, immoral, unfaithful,
poorly-endowed slimeball. Everything’s caught on tape.

Your (soon-to-be-ex) Wife,
Emily

p.s. I paid for this billboard from OUR joint bank account.

LOL!!!! Way to go Emily. I can only imagine his face when he saw this… How perfect!

In the spirit of Christmas I thought I’d share my favorite Christmas song that I sing. I love this song.

*ahem*

To the Tune of Jingle Bells….

*aheeeeemmmm*

*****
Dashing through the snow
On a pair of rusty skis
Over the hills we go
Bashing into trees
The snow is turning red
And I am almost dead
I’m sittin’ in the hospital
With stitches in my head

OOOOHHHHHHHHH

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost his wheel
And the Joker got away
HEY!

Robin’s in the kitchen,
Batman’s in the hall
Joker’s in the bathroom
Peeing on the wall

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Santa Claus is dead
GI Joe the mighty O
Shot him in the head
But Barbie doll, Barbie doll tried to save his life
But GI Joe the Mighty O, stabbed her with a knife
HEY!

*****

Always a lovely tune that I enjoy caroling to.

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T .

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ….

ME: Is this AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron, please.?

ME: May I ask who is calling.?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello.?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T …

ME: The phone company.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer
you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

ME: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir,
that’s right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: That’s right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That’s amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance.?

AT&T: Excuse me.?

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.?

ME: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me
10 cents a minute, that I’ll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind of subliminal
telemarketing scheme.? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer,
you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for .

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.?

AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.

At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron.?

ME: Yeth.?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.

ME: Is This A T &T.?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.)
No, actually, I
was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up
for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice
at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan.?

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that “Friends and Family”
thing because I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little
brother…

AT&T: click……..

It’s nice to see superman spoofed in a comic. 

ok… I love that people are so creative and funny! These crack me up!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

"Hello, May I speak to Brandon’s mom please?"

"Speaking."

"This is the principal calling,"

‘Great’ I thought, ‘either the school is burning down or he’s in trouble.’

"We’ve had an incident involving your son and another little boy in school."

"ok…" it’s the latter… little shiz disturber…

"He was in the bathroom with the other boy and he was going to spank a classmate’s bum, so the other boy peed all over your child from head to toe."

I began to smirk… "Really?"

"Yes. Your son said he was hiding his hand behind his back and was going to spank the other boys bum while he was peeing. He other child didn’t want to be spanked so he peed on your son. Now we’ve given him a new shirt and we’re wondering what you want us to do? If you want us to send him on the bus or if you’d like to pick him up?"

I began to laugh really hard. For 2 minutes straight I just sat on the phone laughing. "Sorry" was all I could sputter. I tried so hard to keep it together. "That’s hilarious! He got peed on cuz he tried to spank another boy?!?" BAHAHAHAAHAH….

 "I hope you’re not going to do this in front of your son," the principal.

 Tears are streaming down my cheeks from laughing…

I take a deep breath."Oh no! Don’t worry, I’m just getting it out now so that when he comes home I’ll be serious." I bite my lip to try to stop myself from giggling again. "I’ll have a talk with him about keeping his hands to himself and to not spank anybody while they are going to the bathroom." I try to sound serious but I’m still killing myself laughing inside.

 "I’ve spoken to both the boys so hopefully this will not happen again," the princial said.

"Yes, of course. Mind you, it is rather funny. Just send him on the bus. If he is full of pee, he can just dry off and take a bath when he gets home. He’s one of 5. If this was my first I’d be freaking out, but this is funny and really the punishment fits the crime. I don’t mean to be making light of the situation, but you’ve got to admit… it’s funny." I responded.

 "Yes, and when they are out of my presence I will be doing the same thing you are," she replied.

Never a dull moment in our house. I always thought Josh would be the first one to cause trouble and have the principal call me, but I guess it’s Brandon. That surprises me.

Still… I can’t believe he got peed on. When I told Ryan he just laughed and said, "When I was in Grade 1, I got peed on too." LOL… like father like son.  

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS: Does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow
born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps
in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse…….. You cannot post “Thou Shall Not
Steal,” “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a
building full of judges, lawyers and politicians — it creates a hostile
work environment.

LOL!!!! Now that’s funny!

Savage Chickens

Matt Damon rocks and so does Guillermo. I love this movie and I love the spoof!

I love the Jimmy Kimmel show, it’s the best late night talk show.

Which Disney Princess Are You?
	You are part Ariel. You are beautiful but impaired. At times you are naïve. Still, your innocence and good heart make you sought after and loved.
	You are part Pocahontas. You defy convention and sometimes do what is considered taboo. Unfortunately, others do not always appreciate your differences, so it’s good that you are so strong-willed. You are loyal and you believe in fate. Your true love will find you one day.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Seriously… this is so corny and ridiculous…

After Mr. Berg retired, Mrs. Berg insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Berg was like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Berg was like most women, she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Berg received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Berg, over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Berg are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION - WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!” And last, but not least…

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

OMG!!!!! I just died laughing… I can just imagine…. how awesome!!! Man, when I get old, I’m gonna do these just to amuse myself. I’d do them now, but it’s rather difficult with 5 kids in tow. Besides, I don’t want to teach my kids how to be delinquent’s… they already are.

Man… and to think we went through a similar experience last week… thank goodness the neighbors found Brandon before we had to resort to the police, etc….never a dull moment at our house. Not as bad as this story though….

…………..

A boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having
an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and
was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes.”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could
leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else
there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak
with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,”
came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the ear piece on the
phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now
truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search
team just landed the Helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the
boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle: “ME.”

LMAO!!!! OK… this is the funniest story I’ve read in a long time… The US Security Peps are waaaaay to sensitive… I think this should be turned into a small segment on 24 where CTU thinks terrorists in Canada make a tracking device coin or a coin to smuggle sensitivge information, Jack has to figure it out, CTU makes a big deal about it and it turns out to be nothing, so it sets Jack back and he’s pissed *DAMMIT!!!*…. lol… this is just toooo funny. I’ve seen this poppy coin. I have one. It’s pretty… but not a tracking device.

‘Poppy quarter’ behind spy coin alert By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - An odd-looking Canadian coin with a bright red flower was the culprit behind a U.S. Defense Department false espionage warning earlier this year about mysterious coin-like objects with radio frequency transmitters, The Associated Press has learned.

The harmless “poppy coin” was so unfamiliar to suspicious U.S. Army contractors traveling in Canada that they filed confidential espionage accounts about them. The worried contractors described the coins as “anomalous” and “filled with something man-made that looked like nano-technology,” according to once-classified U.S. government reports and e-mails obtained by the AP.

The silver-colored 25-cent piece features the red image of a poppy — Canada’s flower of remembrance — inlaid over a maple leaf. The unorthodox quarter is identical to the coins pictured and described as suspicious in the contractors’ accounts.

The supposed nano-technology actually was a conventional protective coating the Royal Canadian Mint applied to prevent the poppy’s red color from rubbing off. The mint produced nearly 30 million such quarters in 2004 commemorating Canada’s 117,000 war dead.

“It did not appear to be electronic (analog) in nature or have a power source,” wrote one U.S. contractor, who discovered the coin in the cup holder of a rental car. “Under high power microscope, it appeared to be complex consisting of several layers of clear, but different material, with a wire like mesh suspended on top.”

The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the Defense Security Service, an agency of the Defense Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors traveled through Canada.

One contractor believed someone had placed two of the quarters in an outer coat pocket after the contractor had emptied the pocket hours earlier. “Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket,” the contractor wrote.

But the Defense Department subsequently acknowledged that it could never substantiate the espionage alarm that it had put out and launched the internal review that turned up the true nature of the mysterious coin.

Meanwhile, in Canada, senior intelligence officials expressed annoyance with the American spy-coin warnings as they tried to learn more about the oddball claims.

“That story about Canadians planting coins in the pockets of defense contractors will not go away,” Luc Portelance, now deputy director for the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, wrote in a January e-mail to a subordinate. “Could someone tell me more? Where do we stand and what’s the story on this?”

Others in Canada’s spy service also were searching for answers. “We would be very interested in any more detail you may have on the validity of the comment related to the use of Canadian coins in this manner,” another intelligence official wrote in an e-mail. “If it is accurate, are they talking industrial or state espionage? If the latter, who?” The identity of the e-mail’s recipient was censored.

Intelligence and technology experts were flabbergasted over the warning when it was first publicized earlier this year. The warning suggested that such transmitters could be used surreptitiously to track the movements of people carrying the coins.

“I thought the whole thing was preposterous, to think you could tag an individual with a coin and think they wouldn’t give it away or spend it,” said H. Keith Melton, a leading intelligence historian.

But Melton said the Army contractors properly reported their suspicions. “You want contractors or any government personnel to report anything suspicious,” he said. “You can’t have the potential target evaluating whether this was an organized attack or a fluke.”

The Defense Security Service disavowed its warning about spy coins after an international furor, but until now it has never disclosed the details behind the embarrassing episode. The U.S. said it never substantiated the contractors’ claims and performed an internal review to determine how the false information was included in a 29-page published report about espionage concerns.

The Defense Security Service never examined the suspicious coins, spokeswoman Cindy McGovern said. “We know where we made the mistake,” she said. “The information wasn’t properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there.”

A numismatist consulted by the AP, Dennis Pike of Canadian Coin & Currency near Toronto, quickly matched a grainy image and physical descriptions of the suspect coins in the contractors’ confidential accounts to the 25-cent poppy piece.

“It’s not uncommon at all,” Pike said. He added that the coin’s protective coating glows peculiarly under ultraviolet light. “That may have been a little bit suspicious,” he said.

Some of the U.S. documents the AP obtained were classified “Secret/Noforn,” meaning they were never supposed to be viewed by foreigners, even America’s closest allies. The government censored parts of the files, citing national security reasons, before turning over copies under the U.S. Freedom of Information Act.

Nothing in the documents — except the reference to nanotechnology — explained how the contractors’ accounts evolved into a full-blown warning about spy coins with radio frequency transmitters. Many passages were censored, including the names of contractors and details about where they worked and their projects.

But there were indications the accounts should have been taken lightly. Next to one blacked-out sentence was this warning: “This has not been confirmed as of yet.”

The Canadian intelligence documents, which also were censored, were turned over to the AP for $5 under that country’s Access to Information Act. Canada cited rules for protecting against subversive or hostile activities to explain why it censored the papers.

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to a doctor, you are able to come to work.

ANNUAL LEAVE DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
relatives, friends or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the Chronic Offenders category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s
mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.

Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank-you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

THE MANAGEMENT

hehe…. too funny.

Who does this?

Yes, I have a weird and sick sense of humor, but come on… it’s funny.

I think they should have released these commercials too!

Bird

Cat

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Friday, March 31, 2006.

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide
Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Really Levitate and Fly Into The Dishwasher?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life
Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at
7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Ya know… I’m thinking I need to sign Ryan up for these along with my 2 boys… 5 and 3 is not too young is it?