The journey between here and there

Continuing the camping trip to the GCBD:

So we get to our campsite at midnight. We decide to set up the tent since the drunken guy in the site next to us has wandered over and has offered to help us.

“Hey, do you need help?” He calls out from the darkness.
“Sure! That’d be great!” I chirp.
” I’m a little inebriated, but I’ll do my best.”
*sigh* Why couldn’t he have mentioned that before?
We have a nice drunk guy. He just stands there the entire time, our little stout Santa Claus-like foreman and says, “yep, that looks right. You’ve got it. That’s a big tent. I’ve got a few beers in me. I can’t see that well. It’s dark. I can’t hear that well. That’s the front…that’s the top… and that’s the back. Good job… oh look there’s a window and there’s a door.”
Oh go sit down! F*ck! I don’t need a running commentary or a cheering squad.

After 20 minutes of pulling out poles, sleeping bags, pillows and backpacks we haul the kids into the tent and go to sleep… and I sleep kind of. I’m a very light sleeper so if something moves or rustles I’m usually awake. In our hurry to put up the tent, Ryan didn’t tie down some of the top dome part. Since it is Southern Alberta the wind just had to howl and so I was up all night with the damn rustling of the tent. Mya kept getting up every hour it seemed cuz she always wanted a smackerel of milk and since I was right there, why not? GAH!

The morning came and we woke up earlier than we had when we are at home. We awoke at 7:30am. *ugh* Who the hell gets up that early??? I know I don’t. But of course the damn cows in the area and the birds had to announce that the sun was up and everyone else needed to be up as well. Thank you, but keep it to yourself please!

We took showers (yea, I wasn’t camping without a shower and flushing toilet nearby) then we headed off to the Leavitt family reunion. Ryan’s grandma is a Leavitt so that makes us related to everyone in Southern Alberta. Crazy. I ran into people that I knew when I was still single. I was amused and shocked that I was now related to them. As I looked around you could tell who was who. There were a few scenarios that had played out.

1. It looked like there was a bit of inbreeding done amongst some of the family. Odd looking bunch.
2. You could tell who married outside the family. Hot looking bunch.
3. You could tell who was a Leavitt by those Leavitt childbearing hips or big Dumbo ears. These were either chubsters or skinny bean poles with floppy ears.

hmmm… am I getting mean? Yes, I suppose I am. Hell, I’m just telling it like it is….

There was the typical breakfast and the draws… Ryan put $20 down on a quilt. $20 on a freakn’ quilt!??!! I was pissed. WTF?!? I swear, sometimes me thinks he’s a little gay. We better win this damn quilt cuz I could’ve bought other stuff with that money. I’m so not a gambler. If I have to part with my money I want it to be on clothes, food, entertainment, travel or hobbies and I don’t think a draw for a damn quilt falls into any of those categories… well of course we lost. Surprise, surprise. Damn poofter.

Well, on to the races, cuz what’s a family reunion without the races. All my kids’ race and they come in last. Dead last. Ryan came in 4th, so I knew that I needed to represent. I was cheering my best cheer, “Way to go! Good job! You’re a good runner! I’m so proud of you! You did great!” In my mind I’m think “Damn, damn, damn! We had 4 chances to win something and we didn’t win! ARG!”

Yes, I am quite a little competitive one. So when my category came up I had to represent. Show them how it was done. My category? 25-35 year old women. So I was right in the middle. Not the youngest, not the oldest. I cheered and ran over excited and thrilled to be able to run. My adrenaline was pumping. I felt like a thoroughbred horse just pawing at the gates waiting to be set free at the word, “GO!” I was getting nervous. I HAD to win! It’s in my blood to win. I ran in Cross Country and Track when I was younger, I usually always placed in the top 3. This was my sport. I LOVE to run. I could feel the energy and the adrenaline surging throughout my body. I had to shake some of it out and hop up and down cuz it was almost uncontrollable.

I glanced over at my competition. 12 other women that were plumpish and a downs syndrome kid. I smiled. They will all be annihilated in a few moments.

The woman next to me says, “I haven’t raced since I was in high school, I hope I don’t fall. I’m nervous. This is silly.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just shut up bitch and eat my dust. You’re in for an ass kicking.” Well, that’s what I wanted to say, but instead I smiled sweetly and said, “yeah, me too. I haven’t run in forever. I’m outta practice.” Heh. I didn’t want to create enemies since we were amongst family.

I focus on the finish line, channeling all my energy that is surging through my body begging to be let free. I crouch like a tiger waiting to pounce on its prey… and I wait. It’s all about the kill now…

On your mark… get set…. GO!

I leap out of the starting line like a bullet shot from a gun. As I run I can feel myself picking up speed. This is only a crummy 50 meters at best. I roar through the finish line and keep running for a bit to try to slow myself down. I WON!!! Boo-yah! Wooooo Hooooo! I’m not even breathing hard or breaking a sweat!

My prize? A Cadbury Crunchie chocolate bar. I’m all about the chocolate. I would’ve done 10 laps around the track had they have told me I would win a chocolate bar. I’m also all about the winning.

I’m first! The Special Olympics kid comes in 2nd and some chubster comes in 3rd. I’m just thrilled to pieces. I won. I run up to Ryan all joyous.
“Did you see that? I kicked ass! I won! ”
“Way to go hon, you beat the retarded kid and all those fat ladies.” He says sarcastically.
Damn him to pop my bubble of happiness.
“Damn straight I did! So how much did I win by?”
“A lot. A little over a truck length.”
“Really?!? Wooo hooo! Check out my prize!” I’m just still beaming not letting him push me off my pedestal of champion runner at the good ole’ family reunion. “Did you take a picture?”
“Huh? No, I was holding the baby!”
Idiot. “What?!? My first race in 10 years that I run in and I win, and you don’t document it for all time to be framed and revered???”
He just gives me a funny look. “I love you,” he says as if to remind himself that he does. Damn him and the horse he rode in on! That was photo worthy! I was looking around for a podium to stand on, so I could hold my chocolate, wave to the cheering crowd and hear the national anthem. Unfortunately there was nothing.

For the rest of the day I’m a cocky little bitch all proud that I beat out the Special Olympics kid and the chubby ladies. Victory is sweet.

Everyone kept coming around and congratulating me. They are amazed that I put such a distance between myself and everyone else. I tried to downplay it and brush it off saying that I used to run anyway and it was nothing. But inside I was doing my happy jig and screaming, “I WON!!! I KICKED ASS!”

Ahhh… It was a proud moment. Seriously the highlight of my weekend! How sad is that. *sigh* I need to get out more.

For F*ck You!
and
What the F*ck!
and
F*ckity, F*ckity, F*ckity, F*ck!
and
What the Freak was I thinking?

My rant for the day is that I’m proving to myself over and over again that I’m a sucker, I trust people when I shouldn’t and I’m just plain stupid. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!! Oh yeah… and I’m mad.

Background: I love Super Nintendo. It’s my crack cocaine. Love it! I had it when I was a kid and I still love it to this day. Thursday, July 28, 2005, I bought one. For the kids of course! It will help them “improve spatial thinking, reflex time, hand-eye coordination and intelligence.” That’s what I’m telling Ryan anyway. He hates Nintendo cuz he loses his wife and I obsess over winning these games. I do nothing else but play. The house goes to hell and the kids run wild but I got to level 5!!!!!!!!!!

I’m actually getting it for them for Christmas I just have to try it out in the mean time to make sure it works, since it’s been used before… “just doing some project testing honey, be back…later.”

The bitchfest: So I call up the Pawn Shop Superstore and they cunningly ripped me off. They tell me that Super Nintendo’s are going for $80.00 and the games are ranging from $20, 30 to 500. Stupid me believes them, instead of doing a search on the internet and seeing how much they are really selling for. I actually went in there for the Nintendo 64, but once they showed it to me I realized it was the Super Nintendo that I want and not the Nintendo 64. So I purchase the Super. I spend $140.00 cuz I also get Super Mario $20, Donkey Kong $30 and the Government Sucks Tax.

They only have one controller so I stop off at Cash Converters and pick up another control and to my surprise I get see they have Super Nintendo games for like $10 - 15 and their game box is only $55. I’m a fool. So of course the Pawn Shop Superstore does not refund money so I’m stuck paying way too much for this stupid gaming system. I Retard.

I then call a friend and she tells me she’ll give me hers for free cuz she has 2. *sigh* I could’ve saved myself $140. I’m such a fool. IDIOT!

The Moral to this story: Shop around and don’t believe everything people tell you just because they are nice. Boycott the Pawn Shop Superstore (Bunch of Asswipes) cuz they will bend you over and rape you.

Estimated time of departure: 6:00pm

Actual time of departure: 10:00pm

6-137 L rubbermaid boxes, 1 tent, 4 backpacks, 2 apple boxes, 1 luggage, 1 duffle bag, 2 coolers, 4 waterguns and everything except the kitchen sink is packed in the back of our truck. Looking like the Beverly Hillbillies we set off for the Great Canadian Barn Dance in Hillspring, Alberta.

We will be sleeping in our truck tonite cuz I don’t want to be setting up a tent at 1am.

Ryan has just bought a blackberry so I am writing this as we travel. Internet connection while we camp! Brilliant!

“>

Life is tough. It’s tougher if you’re stupid.

1. Throwing cats up in the air is not a good idea. They extend their claws as they are coming down grabbing for a shirt or arm to cling on to. Cat claws hurt. Especially on the face and arms.

2. Cats don’t like bike rides.

3. Cats don’t like the water.

4. Cats don’t like to be thrown into the pond.

5. Surprisingly when cats are thrown into a pond they swim like a dog and do the dog paddle in order to get out.

6. Cats are very forgiving and have bad memories.

7. Cats don’t like to play tag with the garden hose.

8. Cats are very loyal and cuddly. They make great pillows for a little girls head.

9. If you play barber shop and cut a cats whiskers off they loose balance and bump into things.

10. When you place a Tupperware container over a cats head they will go backwards.

11. Cats don’t like it when you put tape on their feet. They will do a crazy dance until they are able to pull it off.

12. Cats also don’t like it when you put tape on their head, whiskers or body. They spaz out until they get the tape off.

13. Cats do get along with dogs. They also like to snuggle and sleep with each other.

14. Cats are very patient when you dress them up in doll clothes, although afterwards they look humiliated and annoyed.

I love my cat, “Kitty”. Very original name for a 5 year old. Kitty lived until I was 21 years old. I miss you Kitty!

Ba-da-da-da-daaa…. I’m hating it.

I hate McDonalds. They make gross food. Even the stuff they are trying to pimp out as healthy and delicious is just disgusting. *ugh*

They make me feel ripped off. You pay $5.00 for a pasty, thin poor excuse for a hamburger patty. A hamburger patty that looks like it has been attacked by a rabid vampire, left limp and dry between 2 pieces of stale buns. Bleah…

I was there one unfortunate day attending a birthday party for my son’s friend. I was trying to figure out what to buy off of their lunch menu. Seriously nothing looked appetizing, but I was starving. After agonizing for the 5 minutes while I waited in line then humming and hawing another 2 minutes, I decide to quiz the apathetic McD worker staring at me.

“So what’s good?”

“Everything” says the woman who is slightly irritated, annoyed and has a chip on her shoulder from God only knows what. (Probably annoying customers like me.)

“Have you eaten the toasted sandwiches?”

Big sigh escapes her lips and I can tell she’s trying so hard not to roll her eyes. “Yes.”

“So did you like it?” I’m sure she’s just going to offer praise, but you never know some people are honest and will tell you something sucks all ass. That and I enjoy playing this game. It amuses me.

“Oh yes, they are all really good.” She says a little too quickly…

phfft.. Good my arse. Maybe she’d say that other wise, however, her butt would be kicked to the curb by Old Ronald himself.
“As good as Quizno’s Subs?” mmmm… I was craving a Quizno’s sub right then. The franchise out here is really good.

“I dunno, never had Quizno’s but McDonald’s subs are good.” She replies staring at me like she’d like to jump over the counter and slap me with Ronald’s curly wig. Hmmm…well, I decide to give it a try…

I had some toasted turkey breast blah, blah, blah and Ba-da-da-da-da it sucked. I took one bite and almost gagged. Yuck. Why did I even bother?

I go to return it. “This is vile and horrible! I can’t believe you said this was good. I want my money back.” I’m now cranky cuz I’m hungry and I’m craving a Quizno’s and this garbage is nothing close. I’m tired cuz I don’t have fuel and the only thing I thought that was edible is not.

The Assistant Manager comes over pissed because I blurted the above statement loudly enough. “What’s wrong with it?” All offended like I’ve just told her she had an ugly child or something.

“Well, for starters the bread is stale; it burnt as it went through your toaster. This sub looks nothing like the picture you have advertised. The lettuce is wilty and the toppings don’t look fresh. They look like someone stomped on them and then added them to the sub. (This probably wasn’t far from the truth.)

“Would you like another one or anything else?”

“ Hell no! that was enough toxic waste for one day. I just want my money back.” You never return and then have them offer you more food. That’s just begging for spit and snot to be put in your food.

All pissy she returns my money. Truth hurts I know. I smile and in my sweetest voice say, “Thank you. Have a nice day!”

Ba-da-da-da-daaa… I’m hating it!

1. If you pull the legs off a Daddy long legs spider one by one they will bite you.

2. Red ants bite. Especially when you poke a stick in its ant hill and try to stir it… Black ants react the same way.

3. Although sheep are small, soft and look friendly, they can buck you off like a crazed horse or smash you into the fence. Mental note, they don’t like to be ridden and are quite skiddish, no matter how many times you try.

4. Blood suckers die when you add salt to them. My mother always wondered where all her boxes of salt went to. I was just trying to kill the blood suckers in the pond so I could swim in it without being attacked.

5. 10 boxes of salt is not enough to kill a pond full of blood suckers.

July 22, 2005
“Mommy I need to refuel! I’ve ran out of energy!” He says as he runs around me in circles waving his arms.
*sigh* “Josh, energy is the last thing you need!” I say wearily.

July 24, 2005
“BOO!” I scare Josh as he was coming around the corner eating a cracker. He jumped.
“Mommy! You scared my cracker!”

Josh finishes his ice cream runs and throws himself on the couch, jumps around, jumps off, runs around in circles then dives head first into the couch.
“Wow! I’m sugared up!”

1. Roosters have tempers and sharp beaks. Being 3 feet tall and screaming really loudly does not scare a rooster. He will attack.

2. Geese don’t like being chased…Neither do roosters.

3. Caring a big stick becomes a necessity when I was short and tried to play with the rooster or the geese.

4. Geese bite and have heavy wings to beat me with when they are tired of playing duck, duck, goose.

5. Geese and roosters are not afraid of sticks. They still attack.

6. Carrying a stick bigger than myself is hard to handle and will not protect me from being attacked by the geese or rooster.

7. I’m really starting to believe that playing tag with the rooster and geese is really not a good idea.

8. Running really, really, really fast is important when playing tag with the rooster or the geese.

9. Not tripping is essential to survival.

10. Geese and roosters have good memories.

11. Geese and roosters like to play tag even when I don’t want to. I think they must hold a grudge from the last time I clobbered them with a stick.

12. Teaching my dog Sandy to attack the geese and rooster will prevent my ass from getting whooped anytime I cross the farm.

13. Dogs really are a girl’s best friend.

I was a kid on the farm I made mud pies with fresh farm eggs and showed them to my mom. I was quite pleased with my creation, my mother on the other hand was not.

I got smacked.

Next time I learned not to put the shells in.

I got smacked again.

Next time I learned to hide the shells in my sandbox.

I got smacked yet again.

Next time I learned to hide the egg shells deep in the woods where my mother doesn’t walk.

It takes awhile, but eventually I learn.

You SUCK! Get your old lazy ass over to my house and fix my frickn’ dishwasher! I’ve had to take it apart 2 times already and I’ve only owned it for 3 years now. It keeps clogging up.

Either you slap the salesman silly or extend your face and c’mere. My hand is ready. The sales man told me that this dishwasher has a garborator and I didn’t need to rinse my dishes. So did Cascade dish detergent. I’m not sure who is the bigger liar. You or them.

Of course I rinse off the big stuff chunks, but little stuff like ketchup or rice particles I don’t. My dishwasher is getting clogged. I have to unscrew the base down to the pump and rinse it out. The first time I did it took 2 days to figure out how to get the thing back together again.

What’s the point of owning a dishwasher if you have to rinse them so clean and waste so much water that I may as well wash them by hand?

I’ve got 4 kids that eat a lot of food. I can’t be without my dishwasher. I use it 2 or 3 times a day. Either put out and build a machine that works or I’m going to go buy myself a Bosch. I’m ready to toss this thing off my deck.

I think my rinse aid on my dishwasher is broken as well. My glasses keep getting foggy and yes I do use rinse aid. And yes, I did turn the knob to “more”. Thankfully vinegar works great for shiny glasses.

Stupid Maytag. Stupid Commercials. STUPID me for listening and believing what they say.

I hope you and that new Maytag man start doing something constructive instead of sitting around thinking you don’t have work cuz your machines are fabulous. Start moving big guy and get over here!

I hate Maytag and the smug Maytag man.

Sincerely,
Joanne

The other 2 sentences I say frequently, but not as much as the 3 sentences are:

1. Get down!
2. Sit down!

Brandon is 3/4 monkey and 1/4 cute kid. He climbs on anything. He’ll be a mountain climber one day. The kid climbs on everything.

“Hi Mama!” He waves to me from atop my piano. He’s proudly standing on top as if he’s just scaled Mount Everest.

Get down!

The fridge. I have locks on my fridge so the doors don’t swing open. This way the boys don’t destroy the contents of the fridge by playing Emeril. Want something? Just ask, unless it’s too close to supper time I’ll give it to you. Brandon or Josh will grab hold of the fridge handle and put their feet on the fridge and climb up as you would when you are rock climbing on a wall or up a mountain. They get 1/2 way up the fridge open up the freezer door to rescue the popsicles from freezing to death.

Get down!

The cupboards. Being only 2 1/2 feet tall Brandon always wants a better view or wants to play in the kitchen sink. He can be up on the cupboards in 5 seconds flat.

Get down! Stop that!

My headboard in my bedroom. I think he’ll like base jumping when he gets older. He scrambles up on my headboard then jumps onto the mattress and thinks its great fun. Wow. I can’t believe I can find my bed on the internet. Amazing.

Get down!

“Loot at me mama!” I hear Brandon squeal. I look for the voice. It’s coming from my stair rails. There’s Brandon perched at the top and before I can say anything he slides down.
“Wheeeee! Whoooaaaa!” as he slides down the 45 degree angle. I’m amazed this kid isn’t dead yet.

Get down!

The deck. He likes to climb up there to look at the neighbor’s dog. (Damn dog. I hate that dog.)
“Looooook! Doooog!”
Now we have a walk out basement and our deck is a good 9 feet to the ground.
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I’ve never moved so fast to get him down.

GET DOWN! YOU’RE GONNA DIE!

It’s not like I’m not there to watch him. I am, but I’ve turned my back for 5 seconds and the kid is scaling something, whether it is furniture or what not.

I should install a climbing wall with mats in my basement. Maybe then they’ll stick to that instead of the furniture… yeah right.

ok, It’s 7 a.m. I still haven’t slept since yesterday. The sun is out, there are a few small clouds in the sky and no rain. Heads are going to roll if I don’t get rain today. I didn’t tent it over the weekend cuz the damn weather people on TV said it was going to rain Friday and Sunday. If it doesn’t rain today I’m going to send them a dead rotting trout. They suck! Damn meteorologists. They’re about as smart as the fortune teller my crazy mother consults.

Sunday Weather Update:

I go to sleep at 8:00am and wake up at 11:00am to a wonderful sound. I hear the pitter patter of rain on my roof. Whooo hooo! The weather people are spared the dead fish! I take back anything mean I said about the meteorologists.

It’s raining. I’m happy cuz I listened to the them. I’m happy and snug as a bug inside my bed instead of being soaked in K-Country trying to pack up a tent and 4 soggy wet kids.

*sigh* Ah, life is good.

Amazing what little asinine things make me happy.

These are the 3 sentences that I say over and over again. At least 100 times a day.

1. Put your sister down!
2. Leave her alone!
3. Stop that!

Poor 10 month old Mya. She’s already developing quite an attitude. She’s getting sick of being carried around, squashed and dropped by the boys. She pushes them away when they come near her or crawls away as fast as she can. I swear if this baby lives to be 2 I’ll be amazed.

I’m getting white hairs and I’m only 30.

*ugh* I need Supernanny or Nanny 911 to come over. These boys are giving me a run for my money. They get this mischievous glint in their eyes and this cat that ate a canary smile. I’m in trouble if they start to team up with each other. They are driving me crazy. Ponoka here I come. Gimme a straight jacket and get me in there! I wonder if I can admit myself?

So as usual the boys get up early and I don’t hear them creating chaos in our house until it is too late. I hear the microwave turn on and I bolt out of bed. The microwave turning on without me being in the kitchen usually means Brandon is up and playing with the microwave yet again. I hate 2. I really hate 2.

Never one to disappoint, he’s climbed up on the cupboards and has just closed the microwave door.

“Look!” he shrieks all proud of himself. He then goes on to blather on about something, but I still can’t understand him because he is still not talking human talk. It’s baby talk.

I quickly open the microwave to find 2 Cutco knives in there. Why knives I’d like to know? Just because they are beside the microwave doesn’t mean they belong in it!

I pull him down chastising him for using the microwave when he points to the yogurt container and yaps excitedly in baby. I feel the yogurt container and it’s hot. It wouldn’t be so bad, but the metal seal inside the container is on still because the yogurt is new. *Aaaahhh* This kid is driving me crazy.

Metal it seems will melt away the plastic stuff they paint on the inside of the microwave revealing some greyish material I am assuming is metal. Now here’s the big question. Is it still safe to use my microwave?

Well, just incase we really didn’t know that metal was bad for our microwave; Brandon proves it once again during lunch.

He climbs up once again on the counter, takes a package of Chili mix that Ryan put on the counter and puts it in the microwave. Flash, sparks and fire ensues.

“Oh Wow!” he squeals in delight.

This kid is killing me.

I’m sure that if I opened the dictionary and looked under the word Terrorism Brandon’s picture will be there alongside his brother.

Well, we did it. We went camping for 4 hours. From 12pm to 4pm. Oyvey… and what a crazy but relaxing fun time it was.

I didn’t want to go camping Friday night because weather reports said thundershowers. I didn’t hear any last night, and Saturday morning was just gorgeous. Now I’m not camping over until Sunday because again weather man says lots of rain. If it’s not pissing rain tomorrow I’m going to be pissed. I wanted to tent it but didn’t want to deal with the rain.

Instead we did a trial run to see how well we would do if we actually did go camping for the weekend. So we decided on a day camp at Sandy McNab in K-Country.

Prognosis:
Bringing stuff: Grade F: We fail miserably.
Fun: Grade B: We had fun…the kids did too, until they got wet and cold. Then they started to cry. They would have had more fun if I had remembered to bring extra clothes, but I failed in the bringing stuff department.

We forgot:
1. A pot to cook the chili in (had to eat it luke warm, thank goodness I had just made it that morning and didn’t have to add ingredients)
2. Ketchup, mustard, relish for the smokies and hot dogs (we only ate 3 out of 8 without the bun cuz you can’t have a bun with no toppings in my opinion)
3. Lighter fluid (this would have helped keep our pathetic fire from going out. Ryan is no Eagle Scout so our fire kept dying despite having lots of wood in there.)
4. A proper cooler (Ryan went out and wasted $5 on a throw away cooler, which surprise, surprise, broke. Our expensive “7 days keeps ice without melting” cooler is over at the in-laws. They borrowed it in December they still have not given it back. I refuse to talk to them now over other issues, so Ryan is in charge of talking to them and getting things back… fat chance that’s ever gonna happen. I’m being sarcastic cuz it takes him literally 6 months to do one thing I ask of him. My damn couches are still not back and it’s been 2 months. Only 4 months left to go.)
5. An axe. (The switch blade he got from the Philippines didn’t work that well on wood. He broke his locking mechanism, now the kids will find it and to kill themselves for sure! *sigh*)
6. Extra clothes for the kids. (They got soaked in the river and during the water fight. It didn’t help that Ryan threw Laura in the river or that Josh got cold from the water gun fight so he rolled around in the dark sand trying to get warm)
7. Shoes for Brandon (This kid constantly ends up going places without shoes cuz Ryan just throws him in the vehicle without them on. He then forgets to get the kid his shoes. I keep forgetting to check to see if the kids have shoes. *sigh* Amazing how things have changed going from 1 kid to 4. I figure shoes on the kids should be a given since we are going out! He walked around the entire time in bare feet. Thank goodness there were no thistles or broken glass anywhere he walked.)
8. Plates (Completely forgot. I remembered while I was packing stuff but as quickly as it entered the thought left. Damn I’m getting Alzheimer’s.)
9. Table Cloth (Not really a biggy, but it would have been nice since you never know who’s ass or dirty feet was on the table before you. Tables are for glasses not for asses.)
10. Dryer Lint (Extremely flammable. It caused our neighbors house across the street to go up in flames. It would be great to put with kindling we figure.)
11. Hot dog skewers (Stupid Wal-Mart had sold out of them. I did try to go buy some, but they were out. Thankfully someone raped a tree and made some skewers out of willow branches and left them behind. Thank you. I kept them. Hey, free hot dog skewers. We’re going camping next weekend (if I can find a campsite) and I need something since Wally world is sold out.)

Despite that we had fun. It was a beautiful day. Ryan fiddled around trying to build a camp fire while the kids and I played by the Sheep River. They tossed rocks in the river and built bridges to try to get across. We had lunch and made smores (I need thinner chocolate so it will melt better).

There were no mosquitoes to contend with only horse flies… Yuck. So I just had to make sure they didn’t bite the kids. I hate horse flies also. What’s up with this creation biting you and taking your blood? Sheesh. Not the brightest minds working on the creation now was there. *sigh*

And this is where it goes to hell. 3 1/2 hours into the day I bring out the water guns, and had a water gun fight. Ryan jumped into the deep part of the river with Laura, soaking her and making her cry. *sigh* People were looking at us like we were bad parents… Well, I didn’t agree with dunking her in the water and tried to stop him, but how do you stop someone who is double your weight?

Josh got upset cuz the water was cold from the water guns so then he started to cry. Brandon got upset cuz he couldn’t get his gun to shoot water properly cuz it was so big for him that he started to cry. We took our cue, packed up and left. Once again I was glad that home is only 30 minutes away, cuz the kids were tired, wet and cranky.

If kids sit too long in wetness there’s something worse than the smell of wet dog, it’s wet kid.

We went home and everyone took baths or showers. The smell of campfire is gone except for the laundry that I have to do. And yea no more wet kid smell. Shampoo is a wonderful invention.

In order to stop the kids from crying all the way home we told them we’d take them to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Bribing… such a necessary evil. We were 1/2 way there when I made Ryan turn around cuz Brandon was sleeping, Mya woke up and was quite chatty and I was tired. So I told him that he may as well take us the 3 of us back home and he can go to the movie with the older 2. Then I could get a nap and I’m not all stressed out trying to keep Mya from talking in the theatre. If it was 10pm and I knew she would go to sleep I’d take her, but not when she’s wide awake and ready to shake. Then that’s just rude to the other movie goers. He did a quick u-turn and dropped us off. Brandon kept sleeping, Mya crawled around the bedroom and I napped on the bed for awhile. They didn’t get back from the movie till 10pm. The kids liked the movie and so did Ryan. Yea Charlie.

We’ll attempt actually camping in a tent next weekend. The long weekend. If I can get a campsite. I better start calling around Monday, so far every place I’ve called is full. Crazy Albertan campers. This time I’m trying to get a spot in Southern Alberta by Waterton National Park. We’ll be going to a family reunion on the Saturday so I figured since it’s a long weekend we’ll camp as well… I’m sure I’ll once again convince myself that I’m an idiot for camping with 4 kids under 7 years old, but only time will tell I suppose.

Yep, the family camping trip. I’m preparing to battle mosquitoes and all manner of insects as we traverse to the beautiful Kananaskis country. I love how it’s only 30 minutes away. If things go crazy we can just go home.

A friend said I should take along some bells to scare away the bears. I don’t think we need bells. All the yelln’ noise of 4 loud crazy kids is enough to scare the dead.

I’m only going to “rough it” for 2 days: Saturday and Sunday. It will be a practice run to see if I can handle the insanity outside of my home… if all goes well we’ll go to Waterton. If not, we’ll be camping in our backyard.

I’ve lost my appetite… the eggs feel like I’m eating cardboard and I can barely choke it down. The dull taste sickens me and I feel like gagging. I’m upset. I hate eating when I’m upset. I can’t. Food disgusts me and I wish I could take a pill to fulfill vitamin/energy requirements that my body needs. I feel sick and the eggs feel like they are still lodged in my throat.

Money. I’ve just had a huge argument with Ryan over it. Money is the one thing we argue about constantly. I hate his job. I’m not sure if Ryan has twisted things to make things seem not as bad as they really are or if he’s blatantly lying to me again.

3 hours later. We finally talk it over and have a heart to heart. He’s going to look for a new job. Yea! I’m glad. There lots out there that will enable him to make more and he’ll be able to spend more time at home. I’m excited and am looking forward to the change. I don’t even care if we move. In fact I’d like to move. I’m never one for settling in one spot for too long of a time. I just hope he hurries it up and finds one.

I really should start doing some free lance work. Fear of failure. Kills me every time. I get told I’m good at writing, but I just think they are all idiots so what would they know. Although my big bro told me I was good, I just needed to work on it a bit. I respect his opinion since he’s the smart one and all. Time. I need to make time. Do it. I just need to do it. Even if I start to work for the small local paper cuz their photographer sucks big time. There’s no time like right now…

Yep, I went to see The Fantastic 4 on Friday. My opinion. Wait for it on DVD. It’s a video rental. Not worth the price of movie admission, popcorn and drinks. It was boring. They tried really hard but the movie didn’t do it for me. There was no point to the story. It had some cool special effects, but 15 minutes into the movie I was feeling restless and bored. I was checking out the head below me (I love stadium seating in theatres) and I was tempted to start tossing some popcorn around to see if I could hit people in the head 6 rows ahead of me.

40 minutes into the movie a couple actually walked out of the movie and never came back - probably due to boredom. Heck, I’d have a better time watching the popcorn pop out of the popcorn machine than having to sit and watch this show.

The Human Torch was funny, but his acting seemed forced and so did the comedy that he spewed from his mouth.

The Invisible Woman - Jessica Alba- she just had no chemistry with either Von Doom or with Mr. Fantasic. She needs to work on her acting skills as well. Just cuz she’s cute doesn’t mean she’s good at acting. Go take some classes chickita.

Mr. Fantastic he was ok. He needs a few brush up acting classes on making the character seem natural and real.

The Thing was good. The actor does a good job on this character and his acting is good in this film. Way better than the other 4 main characters in this movie.

The actor who plays Von Doom. I just don’t think he’s that great of an actor either. He seems too forced and it doesn’t come off naturally. He tried to play evil, but I almost started to laugh when he would throw an evil look. Back to acting classes for you too Mr. I just didn’t get the character either. I just didn’t understand why he was in such a big huff over the Fantastic 4. So Mr. Fantastic is hitting on your girl. Get a personality and maybe she just might like you. So the space trip killed your company, you should’ve thought it through a little better oh smart one. The character just wasn’t well written or well acted.

There were some funny parts, but I was the only one laughing. Either no one else got the joke or they had fallen asleep. Probably the latter.

The other thing that made me annoyed was that Ben Mulroney got a part in this show as a reporter. I can’t stand the guy. He annoys the livin’ hell outta me. He’s right up there next to mosquitoes. I wish I could just squish him. He’s just got a face that I feel like slapping. I think I hate his dad Brian Mulroney so much for introducing the damn GST that I therefore hate all family members. The guy just rubs me the wrong way and anytime I see him on TV I change the channel. He’s annoying to watch and to listen to.

This movie had potential. It really did. I was really looking forward to going to this show and getting to know the characters. However, the casting and writing needs lots of work. Less blah, blah, blah and more action would’ve been much better.

The high pitched squeal raises me from my deep sleep into the next level of consciousness. Not yet opening my eyes I wait and listen. Eeeeeee, the incessant squeal reaches my ears again and my eyes pop open. My hands fumble in the dark reaching for my glasses. Groping around I finally find them and haphazardly put them on my face. Fumbling once again I reach through the darkness, trying to find the switch to my lamp. Click. A soft light emanates from the small crystal lamp.

Eeeeeee, the sound is coming closer. My eyes search the room frantically trying to find the source of the noise. The dark body beside me lays deeply entrenched in sleep unawares of what is taking place. His breathing is rhythmic and deep, nothing save WW3 will wake him.

Eeeeeee, the sound makes the hair on my arms stand up and sends a spine tingling shiver all over my body. I still cannot see the intruder even though they are in my bedroom. I will no longer be able to go back to sleep until this new mission is accomplished. I slowly tear myself up from the warmth of my bed, still looking for the intruder. Quietly I flick on the light switch to the ensuite bathroom. More golden light filters into my bedroom. The light penetrates the darkness and my eyes scan the room. Nothing. I know they are there, I can feel their presence.

They taunt me again eeeeeeeeee. I glance over to my husband but he is still out like a hibernating bear. I tip toe quietly over to the main light switch for our bedroom. I hesitate, my mind weighing the options of whether or not the bright main light will wake the beast sleeping sounding on the bed or not. The clock reads 2:11am. I wait. Only for a few seconds because then I hear the sound that makes my skin crawl… eeeeeeeeee.

That was all it took, ready to face the consequences from the sleeping form on the bed I flick the light switch on. Light instantly chases away any darkness left in the room and I turn around to face my intruders.
They are not to be seen. Glancing on the bed I breathe a sigh of relief as the bear is still in a deep sleep undisturbed by my latest antic.

My roving eyes see the figure against the wall behind the TV. Stealthily I creep on the balls of my feet like a fox ready to pounce on its prey. I raise my hand, it swiftly but surely flies through the air smashing the wall. BAM! Red blood sprays on the wall and the adjoining wall next to it. There is bright red blood on my hand. Success! One swift blow and the malicious intruder is dead.

Eeeeeeeee. I hear the sound again. I spin around quickly and scan the room once more. My eyes dart up and down covering the entire wall. Glancing downwards toward the floor I spot the nuisance and slowly make my way towards it like a cat. I creep quietly, not wanting to disturb it’s flight.

BAM! Upon opening the palm of my hand I reveal the grim contents. YES! VICTORY! I look at the dead mosquito squished on my palm. This one is not a bleeder. Triumphant I raise my arms in glory! I AM THE MOSQUITO KILLER! BOW DOWN TO THE QUEEN! Heh.

My victory for a moment is short lived as I peer through my hands and see the bear still fast asleep. Assured that he won’t awaken I do my mosquito killing dance towards the light switch. My hand pauses as I listen one more time to make sure there are no more intruders in my bedroom. Only deep rhythmic breathing greets my ears. I smile as I flick off the light.

Washing my hands of this retched insect I sneer, “And tell all your other friends they’ll get the same when they enter my domain! Death to all! None will be spared.” I smile, happy that this hunt was relatively quick compared to other battles that I have fought.

I flick off the bathroom light and make my way back to the soft, warm inviting bed. Once more I listen for any sound of any trespassers in my midst. Nothing. Silence is enveloping me once again. Happily I turn off my crystal lamp and snuggle deep into my covers. Another night, another battle won. I am the great Mosquito Killer. That thought filters through my mind as I drift off to dreamland assured that my room is safe for yet another night.

Shamelessly ripped from Rebecca.

Layer One: On the Outside

Name: Joanne
Nicknames: Jo
Birthday: March 2
Birthplace: Edmonton
Eye colour: Milk Chocolate brown
Hair colour: Black
Height: 5′3″ (and a half!)
Righty or lefty: Righty
Religion: LDS
Sex: Yes, please!

Layer Two: In the Inside

Your heritage: 1/2 Filippino, 1/2 German
Who do you look like: My mother
Your weakness: Chocolate. Expensive chocolate not waxy chocolate. Give me some Bernard or anything Swiss anyday!
Your fears: Any Reptiles. Lizards, snakes, thunder, failure
Your perfect pizza: chicken, tomatoes, green peppers, ham, shrimp
Goals you’d like to achieve: Get my teaching degree, travel the world, learn another language fluently, be an awesome, fun, loving mother to my kids.

Layer Three: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

Your most over-used phrase on MSN: lol
Your thoughts first waking up: *ugh* is it morning already? I wonder if the boys are up yet and if they’ve destroyed anything yet?
Your best physical feature: My hair and my smile
Your bedtime: anywhere from 10pm to 5am depending on what I’m doing.
Your most missed memory: Playing with Sandy my golden retriever, the farm - everything about it, my Pa - going for walks with him.

Layer Four: Your Pick

Pepsi or Coke: ick! neither. I hate pop.
McDonalds or Burger King: Neither. They are revolting. Homemade is the best! Ry makes kicka** burgers.
Single or Group Dates: Both!
Adidas or Nike: Doesn’t matter.
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla!
Cappuccino or Coffee: Neither, Hot chocolate.

Layer Five: Do You?

Smoke: No. I hate it.
Curse: Like a sailor.. I’m trying to quit. Not good when the kids start saying Damn.
Sing: I try, but I really shouldn’t. I’m always off key.
Think you’ve been in love: Yes
Want to get married: Already did the deed.
Believe in yourself: No… well, sometimes.
Motion sickness: Nope
Think you’re attractive: Sometimes. People tell me I am, but I don’t think so most of the time.
Think you’re a health freak: Not extremely, but I do like good wholesome homecooked food.
Get along with your parents: 1 is dead the other I wish was. So no.
Like thunderstorms: Hate them, they scare the livin’ beejezus out of me.
Play an instrument: Piano. I love it! I’m taking lessons finally! I’ve wanted to play since I was 5.

Layer Six: Have You Ever

Smoked: No
Done a drug: Does tylenol count? Say no to drugs, it just makes you stupid.
Gone to the mall: Of course, I know the mall like the back of my hand. Love the mall! Love to shop! I’m a recovering shop-a-holic and only cuz I don’t have the money to shop like I used to.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No, I don’t like processed cookies. I’ll eat 2 at the most when I’m starving and there’s nothing else to eat and I’m at someone else’s house.
Eaten sushi: Yes! Love it!
Been on stage: Not unless you count high school, junior high and elementary.
Gone skating: Yes, but not for a long time
Gone skinny dipping: No
Stolen anything: Yes, when I was a kid
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
Been caught ‘doing something’: Yes
Been called a tease: Yes
Gotten beat up: No, I’m the beaterupper.
Shoplifted: Yes, when I was a kid

Layer Seven: Getting Older

Age you hope to be married: Did it at age 23. When I was a teenager, wasn’t planning to do it till I was 27-30.
Number and names of children: Laura (7); Joshua (4); Brandon (2); Mya (10 mon.)
Describe your dream wedding: Outdoors by the lake or the ocean.
How do you want to die: Peacefully in my sleep. Anything quick and relatively painless pretty much.
What do you want to be when you grow up: A superhero. A movie star. A teacher. A grandma.
What country would you most like to visit: Anywhere in Europe. I’d love to go to Germany, Rome, Italy, France, Switzerland, England, Russia, etc. I just want to go anywhere and everywhere!

Layer Eight: In a Partner

Best eye colour: Dark blue.
Best hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Short
Height: 5′10″ to 6′.
Best articles of clothing: t-shirt and jeans. Although I love it when guys dress up in a button down shirt and suit.

Layer Nine: In the Numbers

Number of drugs taken illegally: None. I can’t afford to loose any brains cells. I’m not the smartest tool in the shed as it is.
Number of CDs that you own: Who counts them? I don’t.
Number of piercings: Two. One in each ear.
Number of tattoos: None
Number of times your name has appeared in the newspaper: Lots, since I used to write articles and take pictures for the paper I was in it all the time.

1. I just don’t understand why some people think its ok for them to come waltzing into my house like they own it. I just don’t get it. People make themselves way too comfortable and it drives me nuts. I have a friend that comes in rearranges my furniture, opens my refrigerator and helps herself without asking. She makes snide little put downs or comments to me then calls me her best friend. I just don’t get that. She keeps calling me her best friend, she’s nice and I like her, but best friend is huge in my books and it takes a lot to get over into that circle. She’s not there yet.

She shows up unannounced and hangs around when I have stuff to do and have told her I have stuff to do. It’s so annoying. I ask her to call before she comes over, but she doesn’t. “I’m not like that, I’m just casual and carefree,” she says. Well yippee for you. I’m being nice and I’m asking you nicely. Call me first please. I use to tell her stuff until she ran around and gossiped about it to everyone else. Now when she asks “What’s new?” I say, “nothing.” I hate it when people suffocate me. Hate it. Stay the hell out of my space unless you’re invited…and then don’t stay for too long either.

2. Why is it when my house is clean, organized, smelling pretty and I am dressed, showered, have freshly baked cookies and cake no one comes over? When I feel like crap, the dishes in my sink are overflowing, it’s laundry day, toys are scattered all over and it looks like a hurricane has hit my house people always pick that day to drop by. I just don’t get it! I’m not going to open the door anymore… I need a new door. A solid door with a peep hole like at our other house.

3. WHY oh WHY do people peer through my door? They smash their faces into the glass and look through to see if I’m coming to answer the door. What the hell is up with that??? ARG! WAIT! I’m coming! I should whip down my pants and moon them the next time… lookn’ for something? check this out!

4. In-laws. I can’t stand them! I had always wished that when I would marry that someone, I would love their family as much as I loved them. They would be like the mom and dad I wished I had. Instead I had to marry someone whose parents drive me up the wall and it takes everything in my being to stop me from crawling out of my skin and running away whenever I talk to them on the phone or are around them.. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

The mother-in-law

*ring*

me: hello.

ml: hi! Do you have a moment? Because if now isn’t a good time, I can call back. I know you’re really busy with 4 kids…

me: *interrupting* yes I do have time, what’s up?

ML: I was wondering… well, I just wanted to ask you something. I mean, you don’t have to say yes and you can say no if you want, but it’s entirely up to you. I mean you are entitled to your own opinion and don’t feel like you have to do this just because… I mean if you don’t want to that’s fine and if you do then that ’s great, I just thought I would ask you, but don’t feel obligated or anything… ok.. I’m just going to ask you, but again you can do what you want…

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! JUST ASK ME THE DAMN QUESTION ALREADY!!!!!!!! (of course I don’t say this, but in my mind I’m thinking it.)

I swear to God Every freakn’ time she wants to ask me something, she goes through that stupid long winded speech… Seriously drives me nuts.. at first I thought it was sweet… 10 years later I’m ready to pull my hair out.

The Father-in-law
He’s an ass. Simply put. He’s an arrogant, condescending, hypocritical, smartass, creepy, perverted, whiny, and lazy, know it all. He does things just to piss people off cuz he thinks it’s funny. At first I thought I was being a b*tch and it was just me. Until my husbands brother got married and his wife met their father. She can’t stand the guy either. So it’s not just me.

He constantly puts down fat people and makes fun of them. I get so annoyed because he looks like Santa. I’ve even snapped, “Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re no Twiggy yourself buddy.”
His retort? “Well, I can make fun of them cuz I am chubby too.”
me: “No, you’re beyond chubby a few burgers ago.”
I just can’t take it anymore. He’s just mean. And me being the ripe ol’ age of 30 I’m saying what’s on my mind when people act retarded like that cuz I’ve had it. I swear the older I get the bolder I get.

He also makes fun of people that are not beautiful or that are plain looking. *sigh* now this is a sore spot for me cuz I think that every single person on the earth is beautiful in some way. I mean you take any show that has done a before and after make over (shows that don’t do plastic surgery) and people transform before your eyes. I mean if everyone had access to a hairstylist, make-up artist, clothing stylist, plastic surgeon, cosmetic dentistry, self esteem psychiatrist, personal chef and personal trainer everyone would be “beautiful”. Some people just don’t know how to dress according to their body shape or some don’t have the money to be able to, whatever the reason it doesn’t matter. Everybody is beautiful and sexy. Have you seen Extreme Makeover or The Swan? Amazing transformations. Even Oprah has done transformations and all it took was a trip to the salon for a haircut, make up and a new wardrobe. So it angers me for him to make fun of people in that context.

I mean laugh at people for doing stupid stuff like mopping their grass when it rains (I’m serious there are people that do this!) or spilling drinks on themselves or running into poles, but not for what they look like. That’s just downright mean.

He ogles women, in front of his wife. He’ll check them out top to bottom. She sees him doing this and you should see the hurt look on her face.

Yah, I know men like to look at pretty things, but don’t make it so blatantly obvious.

I was out in the foyer at church one day with one of my sons’ cuz he was being too noisy, so I sit down and this gorgeous, beautiful woman comes and sits down beside me. She was truly stunning. We start chatting about kid’s cuz she’s in the hall as well with hers. Well, he sees me talking to her and after church is over I go back in to collect all my stuff. He stops me on my way in, still staring at her and says, “who is that?”
I look at him and he still hasn’t taken his eyes off her. Sighing I just say, “I don’t know, some chick with a kid. She’s nice.” Cuz that’s all she was to me and I keep trying to go past.
He stops me. “Well, what’s her name?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t offer, I didn’t ask. I just talked to her for a few minutes. It’s not like we’re best friends. I don’t know her from Adam.”
“Well, what did you talk about?” he persists.
WTF??? Who cares???? Of course I don’t say this cuz I’m still trying to be polite and I do try to not swear at church. It’s frowned upon. “I dunno, kids, life.”
“Is she married?”
*sigh* at this point I’m exasperated cuz he still is so curious about her and I just want to get my stuff so I can go home. So I quickly ramble off our entire conversation. I end with, “there. happy?”
“all that and you didn’t get her name?” he queries.
“If you want to know her name, go up and ask her yourself.” I snap rather annoyed that he keeps persisting this line of conversation with me. I mean damn. Let it go! She’s out of your league by a light-year! Seriously, put your eyes back into your head, wipe off the drool, pick up your mouth from the floor and move on. She’s a person just like everyone else. She’s got issues and problems just like everyone else. She takes a sh*t just like everyone else. Am I angry?… yep.

He falls asleep watching TV. Nothing annoys me more than when people watch TV and do nothing else. Pick up a book and read! Exercise your brain. I mean he seriously has the TV on in order to fall asleep. Instead of working around the house and helping his wife out he sits in front of the TV and wastes his life away. I just find it slothful. I’m not against watching TV, but don’t be excessive. The moment he gets home from work that thing is blaring away. His wife turns it off after he goes to sleep. I just hate it. Maybe cuz Ryan used to do that too, until I broke him of the habit. So I blame his dad for being such a bad influence.

He thinks he so much better than other people when he’s not. He’ll be telling a story and absolutely bashing some guy cuz they didn’t think of something when he did. Or they didn’t do it exactly like he would’ve.

When I was first introduced to his dad he came out from watching TV long enough to look at me, give me the once over then nod and go back to his show. Bubbly me was all, “Hi! I’m pleased to met you. How are you? ” Didn’t say a word, just gave me a look like, “whatever, she’ll only last a week.” HA. I showed him. The dismissive thought turned into a thorn at his side I’m sure… After I came into the family he took greater interest into helping decide what type of wife his second son married.

I’ve got tones more examples that could go on for pages, but I’ll stop now.

Maybe the reason I’m so irritated with them is because I know they can’t stand me and blame me for their son not doing things in his life that they feel he should have. I’m just me. I’m so opposite them. They are quiet and reserved, I’m loud and crazy. I know it was hard for them to try to get use to me. And hey, their son wasn’t as perfect as they would have like to have believed. It takes 2 to tango, and I didn’t tie him up, climb on top and help myself. And their son could have still pursued things but lacked the drive to do so. Believe me I tried to encourage him.

I know I should just let this go and get over it, but I can’t because I thought I was being really nice around them. At our wedding reception my best friend gets up to give a toast to the bride. She says all these nice things of course and after she’s done the ML goes up to her and says, “Thank you for saying all those nice things about her, we didn’t know she was so nice and had all those wonderful attributes. Now we feel a little better about our son getting married to her.” WTF???? When did I give you inclination to think otherwise??? Man, I’m racking my brain to think of a time, but I obviously must have been a royal b*tch towards them while I was dating the Mr. for them to say that.

Even Ryan’s grandma whispers in his ear on as she goes through the receiving line, “I’m sure we’ll learn to love her.” Once again… WTF??? I know I was always on my bestest of best behavior around his grandparents cuz I just fell in love with them instantly. We dated for 3 years and I got along better with his grandparents than I did with his parents. Not that I was rude to his parents, but I just enjoyed the grandparents company.

I guess I need to polish up on my acting skills and go take acting classes. Ryan can tell when I’m trying to hard to be polite and nice when people are driving me crazy. I always ask if I’m coming off fake, but he says no. It’s a fine line to play. He just knows me too well.

I’m sure everyone has their good qualities and good points. The in-laws do have some good qualities that I like as well, however, at this moment all the ones I don’t like are pissing me off too much lately.

*sigh* That’s just my B*tchatude Rant for the day. Another day, another B*tchfest. It feels good to let it out… I think blogging is going to be quite therapeutic for me.

The grass tickles my feet as they lounge over the blanket.

There’s nothing I love more than laying on the soft inviting green lush grass, closing my eyes and listening to the sounds which fall upon my ears.

The wind rustling through the leaves of the nearby tree and rose bushes. The sound reminds me of home at the farm when I was a child.

The water at the lake caressing and teasing the sand as it ripples up the shore.

The laughter of little kids tickling my ears as their sounds flow through the air like fairies skipping over flowers.

The chirping of birds as they dip and swoosh through the air flying carefree and uninhibited.

I inhale deeply and smell the sweet grass and clover as they dance gaily in the wind enticing me to join them. To be swept away, to be free, if only for a moment…

*sigh* This is the life…

I love being by the lake. I need to move out here. It’s so peaceful and serene.

When little kids get hurt all they need is a kiss to make everything feel better. It’s so sweet, I just love it. They will come up to me crying their eyes out. I give them a hug and a cuddle, ask them where it hurts, give them a kiss and magically a smile spreads across their face and their tears dry up. They are happy once again. They hop out of my lap like nothing happened and keep playing.

As an adult I wish it were that easy to make hurts go away.

He’s half assed… that’s what I call it and that’s exactly what my husband is. Half assed. It’s so frustrating. He starts things and only does it half way. It’s not that I’m not grateful for what he does do, I am, but if he would just take 2 more minutes the job would be done all the way and I wouldn’t have to come along behind him and finish it the rest of the way.

For instance, he loads the dishwasher but doesn’t turn it on. It’s 10pm, there’s no more dishes around, there’s no more dirty dishes to be generated, yet he can’t be bothered to pour soap in, close the lid to the dishwasher and push a button to turn it on… 3 little steps. That was it. That was all he had left to do. 3 simple tasks….*sigh* I just don’t get his thought process.

Or he’ll clear the table, but he doesn’t wipe the table down. Seriously it would take all of 1 minute.

He’s constantly buying new tools. I swear we have like 20 hammers in the house because anytime he decides to do something he can’t find his tools, so he goes and buys a new one… why? because he doesn’t put them back in the same spot where he took them out of!!! He’ll work on whatever little task he only 1/2 ass finishes then leaves the tool there. When he goes to work on the project again he can’t find the tool.

This is usually 99% of the time how things go around here.

me: Hey babe, can you ________________?(whatever project needs to be done around the house)

Ryan: Well, I don’t know, (inject about 5 excuses he’ll come up with) If none of them work and I keep insisting he sighs, gets up and goes to look for _______(whatever tool he figures he needs for the job).

He looks for half an hour to an hour.

Ry: Do you know where ________ tool is?

me: I rattle about 5 places I’ve last seen him use the tool. Of course they are in none of those places because usually the kids have gotten a hold of them and they have ferreted them off in some obscure corner in the house.

So since he needs this tool to accomplish the job he goes to the store and buys a new one, while he’s at the store he’s got to buy the latest and the greatest tool cuz FREAK I don’t know it makes him feel like more of a man??? I have no idea.. so he comes home with his special “new” tool that takes about 2 hours to drive to the store, pick out a tool, browse around, waste time and drive back.

He goes over to where he last left his “project” bangs around then realizes he needs a piece to put something together. So off he goes to the store… again… 2 hours later he returns.

Goes back to his project bangs a bit more and decides he needs a snack before continuing. He goes to the kitchen and makes a snack. After eating his snack all the blood that was circulating in his brain cells now rush down to his stomach and make him even more stupider… I mean sleepy.

So now he needs a nap, cuz it’s Saturday and Saturday is a time for naps. Since I’ve usually left the house with the kids, cuz the most common complaint/excuse is: “Well, I can’t do blah, blah job cuz the kids are always in my way” , he now proceeds to lie down on the couch for a nap….

and is usually there by the time I get back home…
me: Well, is it done?
Ry: Whaaa? *sits straight up, a little disorientated and trying frantically to think up of an excuse as to why it’s not done.*
me: I just looked, it’s still not done. What happened?
Ry: “Oh, I didn’t have the right tool….”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him to clean the garage so I can park my van in… this has been an ongoing battle for about 2 months now. I’d do it myself, but once again there are heavy semi tires and heavy desks in the way. Junk just needs to be taken to the dump or given away. All he had to do was move the junk that he scattered all over the garage to the left and I could pull my van in. Instead his little brain tells him to move everything to the middle/right side of the garage which is right where I park. Is he kidding me? I wonder if he’s testing me to see how many idiotic things he can do before I lose it. Believe me I’m exasperated all ready. I swear he’s like a child. I’m at my wits end and I’m gonna snap. ARGH!!!

I’m going to hire one of those hire-a-husband guys. I’ve had it. I hired one last summer and I had a whole page full of tasks to be done and he finished it in one day… ONE DAY… I had been bugging, pleading, begging my husband to do it for the past 2 years and the HAH guy gets it done in one flippn’ day. FREAK! Why the hell didn’t I do it sooner? I don’t know. It would have saved me a lot of frustration and wasted anger. I’m just annoyed that I have to spend the money. Money that could be used on a lot of other things besides having to hire a guy to do things that Ryan knows how to do, but doesn’t want to or can’t get it together enough to do it.

Why do I put up with him? I don’t know… I ask myself that all the time…I swear, if he wasn’t so damn hot, I’d toss him to the curb. *sigh* He’s good looking but clueless and so disorganized…ok… I’m sure he’s got other good traits I’m just too annoyed to remember them right now… I probably need a tool to help me remember. I wonder if Home Depot is open?

Do I look like a plumber? Why do my kids insist on shoving grass down the sink? A whole bucket full no less. When I asked they said they were just cleaning the grasshoppers jar out. *sigh*

They have decided to have a grasshopper as a pet. It lasted a day. This is why I don’t have pets. They would terrorize the pet and it would end up dead. I tried to have the school guinea pig stay at our house for a week during holidays. That lasted for 2 days. I gave it to a friend of mine so the pig would live for the rest of the week and I didn’t want to have to buy the school a new guinea pig. The poor pig. Over the two days, it endured being picked up and squished constantly, having its cage banged on, being put in the bath, being fed bubble bath, being drawn on by felts and having to endure being dressed up in doll clothes. *sigh* I don’t do pets.

I would love to have a golden retriever because I miss my dog Sandy. They are so beautiful. I just don’t believe in having a dog in town. If I lived on a farm I would have one. Dogs require room to run and play. I just feel sorry for big dogs that are cooped up inside the house or in fences all day.

Our neighbors have 2 large dogs and 1 small dog. I hate their dogs.. the one big dog sits on their deck and barks his head off when any one of my kids go out on the deck or in the backyard. The little dog keeps sneaking under the fence and hanging out in my yard. I love dogs, don’t get me wrong, but I hate these dogs. They poop and pee on our front yard. I don’t let my kids run around in the front yard anymore cuz sometimes the neighbors pick up the poo and sometimes they don’t. It’s just gross. I’ve complained to them before and have called the town over them as well. They are getting better, but even if the crap is picked up you can’t tell me that there are still remnants left in the grass. You can get tape worm or heart worm from that. It’s just gross. I want to grow a row of bushes between our front property so then their dogs will stay out of our front yard. I hate their dogs. They don’t even walk them that much either. The dogs live in their house most of the time, except for when they are on the deck barking at my kids. For little dogs ya, but big dogs? They need to run and have space to run around. That’s just my opinion cuz I grew up on a farm.

That bugs the hell out of me… not only that, but thankfully we have a fence around our back yard because they just let their dogs crap all over their backyard. Disgusting. They don’t pick it up right away and the smell is just raunchy. She runs a day home and when the kids go in the backyard to play they play “pick up the poop” game. YUCK! If the dog crap is not picked up she has the kids run over and point to where the crap is then she goes and scoops it up with her scooper… so gross. I’ve seen her play this game and she thinks it’s just fine… *UGH* I’m just so glad I don’t have to put my kids into a day home.

They also have 2 cats. Their cats keep sneaking into our yard and sleeping in our backyard. It has pooped in my kids sandbox and I just feel like picking it up by the tail and whipping it around my head and punting it’s butt back into my neighbors backyard. I wish they’d keep their damn pets out of my backyard. I want to move. Damn animals. If you have pets people take freakn’ care of them! I like cats and dogs but keep them from defecating all over my property!

As people I like my neighbors. They are nice and friendly. They always mow our lawn, and are really nice people… I just hate their pets. I wish their pets would spontaneously combust…

Again.. I wish I were Darth Vader… *sigh*

I laughed so hard on Sunday I was crying, my cheeks hurt and my stomach hurt. I love it when that happens! Laughing that hard seems few and intermittent in my life, but I love to laugh. We went over to Guy and Jayna’s again last night. We had so much fun! We laughed ourselves silly. Everyone had proper rest and was on the ball. Quips were flying so much that I took a drink when I thought it was safe, but not so. Guy makes another funny remark and I spit water out of my mouth, choking, sputtering and laughing all at the same time. Thankfully it was just water so it didn’t hurt. *sigh* I wish everyday was a funny day like that. I guess since they are not, it makes me appreciate them even more.

You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
Frank Crane

That quote sums up my life on the issue of trust. Trust is something that can be taken away so quickly and it is so difficult to regain.

Through the sands of time, trust has divided men, women and nations. It has made them foreign to one another when there was once a strong bond.

How can you tell when someone is lying to you or telling the truth when they have lied straight to your face before without batting an eye?

Life… it’s getting quite complicated in my little world.

I think maybe Josh will become a Chef when he grows up. This morning I found the remnants of his latest creation. *sigh* I went grocery shopping last night after I thought the boys had gone to bed. Stupidly I left my husband in charge of the kids. His version of watching the kids is watching TV while the kids run rampant throughout the house… Well, run they did. Josh snuck downstairs and started to create with flare like only Emeril could do.

He mixed some peanut butter with cheerios, cream cheese strawberry spread, pudding mix and milk together to make his evening appetizer… I wouldn’t have been so annoyed about finding this on the table, but last night Josh played Chef behind the couch and on the end tables in the den.

When oh when will he stop the reigning terror he constantly sees fit to besiege upon my house?

I’ve got some issues that I need to take up with you.

1. What’s up with sending me so many kids? You know I’m not that great of a mother so I wish you could just make me infertile. Why do I have to be so damn fertile? There are tones of people out there that want kids and can’t have them. Send anymore over to them. I’m done, 4 is plenty. I’ve multiplied and reproduced. That’s enough thank you. I don’t want to become the poster woman for Breeders R’ Us.

2. Eating. I have problems with this. I hate eating. It’s such a waste of my time. I could be doing so many other things. My philosophy is if you’re going to eat, it better be good or why bother. Making a good meal takes hours. There’s a lot of prep work and once the food is made it is gone in like 15 minutes. If I don’t eat properly then I’m all cranky, lethargic and my body gets mad at me. If I could just take a pill or just always have instant energy that would be fabulous.

3. Sleeping. Another waste of time! I could get so much done if I didn’t have to sleep. If my body just instantly renewed itself and I always had tones of energy I could be able to deal with the 4 crazy kids you’ve placed in my care.

4. Going to the bathroom. *sigh* Really? Could there just not be some other magical way for waste to be eliminated. See if you don’t have to eat you don’t have to go to the bathroom… there ya go problem solved. If this bodily function could be eliminated then again I’d have more time on my hands. It’s so inconvient. I hate changing diapers or having to try to find a bathroom in the mall in less than a minute before my kid pees himself cuz he waited too long to tell me. That’s not my idea of fun. If any part of the bathroom process malfunctions then there are all kinds of problems that people have like kidney problems, colon cancer, irritable bowels, etc. It just throws your entire body out of wack if this function doesn’t work properly. So please just eliminate it altogether.

5. Farting and Burping. Passing gas of any kind is just raunchy and smelly. Especially since my husband has decided to be such a health nut he’s eating way too many beans and broccoli. I seem to be the one that suffers the consequences.

6. Birth. I know it’s partially Eve’s fault, but couldn’t you have made this easier and not hurt so much? It’s just mean and cruel. Why can’t men give birth? I’d like to see them get fat and have to pass a watermelon out their ass.

7. Satan and his minions. He’s getting a out of control. Don’t you think it was time to reel that bad boy in and give him some consequences for his actions? Sooner than later would be nice, this world is getting more and more evil by the second.

8. How come I didn’t get cool gifts like the ability to fly or to transport myself or have telekinesis. I promise I won’t go all Darth Vader all the time… If you tie up the devil then I wouldn’t have those impulses.

9. Mosquitoes. What’s up with this creation? Couldn’t you have made an insect that doesn’t bite? Not only does it have to bite me, it leaves red welts that are so itchy they drive me insane scratching them. Now I’ve found out that I can get West Nile from these pests. I’m not impressed. If you could wipe them off the face of the earth and make them extinct that would be swell.

That’s about it for now. If I think of more I’ll be sure to let you know! I’m trying to do my best down here, but that damn devil keeps prompting me otherwise. Again, please take care of him swiftly.

Thanks for the beautiful sunshine, the trees, plants, animals, butterflies and my kids. Even if they are a tad on the crazy side.

Love,
Joanne

The guy has skills. Skills that I want, and I want them now!

I want to have super speed, cuz then I could whip around the house and clean it up faster than my kids have time to destroy it.

I want to have super strength so I can lift heavy things myself instead of having to wait months before my husband gets around to moving heavy things for me.

Ryan always complains, “what can’t you lift that yourself?”
“Well, maybe if I was a 200 lbs. weight lifter I could dumbass… if you wanted someone that could lift heavy things you should’ve married a sasquatch instead of a pixie like me.” I snap.
*sigh*

He always thinks he’s hard done by. He calls himself my beast of burden, cuz I’m always getting him to do things for me. He can lift things, he’s very strong. Stronger than the average Joe Blow, unfortunately for me, he is just lazy. If he can find an excuse not to do anything he does. He’s the King of Excuses. All hail the King. I hate having to ask him to move stuff, so if there’s some sort of drug I can take to become superman let me know.

I want to have x-ray vision and super hearing so I can see and hear that my 2 year old is once again terrorizing the house.
It’s true what the collective “they” say about having 4 kids. It’s no different than having 3. It’s lots of fun and lots of work. When people find out I have 4 kids they smile sympathetically with wide scared eyes and say, “Wow, you must be busy!.” Busy is an understatement. There are days when I feel like crawling under a rock and disappearing, but then small chubby hands come up and grab my hand.

Little brown doe-eyed Brandon comes up to give me a kiss and a hug… and for a moment everything is wonderful until he pulls back, looks into my eyes and says, “sooay” (translation: sorry). Then hands me a black permanent marker and smiles apologetically. *sigh* I ask him to show me where his “art work” is so I can see his the full extent of his terror. He takes me downstairs and shows me the computer monitor. Great… now I’m staring through black lines which I suppose some would call art. GAH!

I swear nothing will teach you patience like kids and a husband.

Now I know why on my wedding day when I was on the way to get married in my wedding dress a guy leaned out of his truck window and screamed, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Stop now while you can!”
I looked at him like he was a retard… obviously he had experience in the area and I was the retarded one…

Flying would be nice, I could just fly away to another freakn’ planet and leave this chaos behind.

Dear, Superman

Hey big guy, Can you please pass along some of your special abilities so I can cope with this crazy life I have created for myself? Sooner than later would be nice, cuz I’m not sure how long my sanity will last. Thanks, I’d appreciate it!

Sincerely,
Joanne

F*CK YOU!

You keep coming around uninvited. You keep showing up whenever you damn well please and I’m not impressed. A little heads up would be nice. I really hate it when you show up on my doorstep and want to stay around for a week.

Whenever you come over I’m so irritated and annoyed. You give me such a horrible headache and make me feel light headed. You’re not welcome here. Never. Ever. If you never come back again I’d be so exhilarated.

Stay the f*ck away. I hate you! I hate you with a passion. Go to hell!

Sincerely,
Joanne