The journey between here and there

Yes, it’s that time once again to rail, rant and rave about all the idiotic drivers in front of me.

1. If you see the merge sign… MERGE!!!! Don’t Yield! Don’t Stop! Just speed up and merge!!! If you don’t know how to do that, take a drivers ed course.

2. Pick a lane. Either the left or the right, just not the middle. Stick to one lane. If you’re swerving all over the place I’m gonna think you’re drunk and I’ll call the cops on you.

3. Set your cruise or stay at the same speed. Seriously! There are posted speed limits. Either go faster or at least try to meet the speed limit. If you are going slower than the posted limit, stay off the road.

4. If you ARE driving the speed limit stay to the right. There’s always someone that’s going faster and the speeders get the left lane.

5. Do you not notice all my bumps, dings and scratches on my van? Ya, that’s right. I’m coming, so get the hellz bellz out of my way or your vehicle will be leaving some marks on my van as well.

6. Pay attention when you come to a 4 way stop. Know when it’s your time to go. Ya, YOU! When all 3 other drivers are staring at you, guess what! oohhh… it’s your turn! GO!

7. Don’t pull out in front of me from a side road as I’m flying down the road you want on! What are you thinking? Wait until I’ve passed before you try to zip in front. Now I’ve got to slam on my brakes so I don’t kiss your bumper.

8. There is something called a 3 second car space rule. Use it. Just because I’ve left space between the other car in front of me doesn’t mean that it’s your spot.

9. Don’t pass me and then slow down. Keep moving…. faster… much faster…. or I’ll be playing bumper tag with you.

10. They invented signal lights for a reason. USE THEM! I need to know if you’re going left or right so I’m not wasting my time trying to figure out what the freak you’re doing!

11. IF I let you in front of me a courtesy wave is nice and expected. If you don’t wave a ‘thank you’ I’ll be regretting letting you in cuz you’re already going too slow.

Sincerely,
Joanne

STICK TO ONE LANE! Don’t hog both lanes. Pick a lane and drive in it. If you don’t know where the heck you’re going, and can’t decide between the right lane or the left lane, then pull over into a parking lot and stop. I don’t need to see smoke come out of your ears as you try to figure out where you want to go! GAH!

SPEED UP WHEN YOU WANT TO GET INTO ANOTHER LANE AND MERGE IN. Don’t stop in the middle of the road, turn on your signal light and wait until there is no traffic in the left lane before you go. ARG!

Sincerely,
me (a kickass driver, eventhough Ryan’s grandma refuses to driver with me and Ryan refuses to let me drive while he is in the vehicle. Whatever. “If you’re not first, you’re last.” Bonus points if you know where that quote came from.)

I swear! Saturday brings out all the stupid drivers. Why are the majority of idiot drivers female? I dunno. I just dunno.

Wow, so not impressed with you! I asked you to stop farting so you decide to make me sit on the toilet for an hour and expell everything I’ve eated in the last 24 hours? I have never ever experience anything that horrific, vile and disgusting in my entire life.

Nice, really nice. You are so rude! I don’t appreciate it! I’m in agony. I’m nauseous, sick, dehydrated, tired, cranky and I’m dying over here. You really don’t care do you? Well, screw you! See if I eat anything for the next 24 hours except maybe a piece of toast and some water. That will teach you!

Behave!
Joanne

Re: I need help quickly!

The contents of my office are quite atrocious! It’s spilling out into the hall. It’s worse than my bedroom was as a teenager. I can barely open the door and I step on stuff as I try to make my way to the desk.

I’m sure raccoons, dragons and pigs are in here somewhere enjoying and rejoicing in the horrific mess!

Every morning I open the door and peek in to see if by some miracle it’s clean. Each day I’m disappointed….it’s still a sty. I keep waiting for you to magically appear, wave your magic wand and everything is all Ikea organized so I can find my stuff.

But every morning I am crestfallen. Please try to make it over to my house soon.

The room is irritating the hell out of me and soon I may be forced to clean it up myself… and that would be just barbaric. I would hate to put you out of work.

I keep trying to wave my finger at the mess and say the magical words, “Bippity Boppity Boo!” but to no avail. I have even tried, “Abracadabra!, Alakazam!”, “Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches!” Unfortunately those don’t work either.

Please help, I am having lots of trouble locating items and I fear they have gotten lost in the abyss that is my office.

Sincerely,
Joanne

I want to thank you for bring back my son from wandering around the park, but I think you have some superiority issues you need to deal with.

The first time you brought him to me, I don’t think was warranted because the splash park that we were at is enclosed by a fence with only 2 openings. He was playing by the swings and trees which are both surrounded by fence. Why you had a problem with this I do not know, but thank you for bring him back all concerned for his well being, but he was fine. You were polite and you promptly left after returning him. Thank you.

The second time you brought him back you had an attitude. I was quite shocked and appalled to say the least. I’m not too sure what kind of reaction you were looking for, but I obviously didn’t give you what you wanted. You found him walking in the parking lot heading down towards the river. Thank you for bring him back safely to me. I politely thanked you, but you refused to let him go.

“I’m hesitant to release him into your care, because you are not taking care of him and he’ll probably wander away again.”

Sooooooo, what? Did you want to keep him? *sigh* Alright. I’ll play along.

‘Well, I suppose I can always make more. I am still fertile. His name is Brandon and he likes cheese. Brandon this skinny assed, beady eyed, hooked nosed, balding scraggly brown haired bitch here wants to take you home. Do you want to go home with her? No? Sorry lady, you’re out of luck. The kid is scared of you. I guess you’ll have release him into my care.’

“If you have too many children here to watch and take care of I suggest you pack up and go home…. immediately.”

‘I’ll take that into consideration bitch, but last time I checked you don’t own this public park and I don’t know who made you the Park Nazi, but I can do whatever the hell I want. I also plan to leave whenever the hell I want and you, nor anyone else can tell me otherwise. You ignorant, arrogant, little cunt.

*sniff, sniff* You need to go home yourself, you reek of bitch. You need to take a shower to cool off and take some bitch off cuz you are really stanky. Maybe have some sex too and that will make you happier. In the mean time stay the fuck out of my personal space or I’ll kick your ass!’

Sincerely,
Joanne

You SUCK! Get your old lazy ass over to my house and fix my frickn’ dishwasher! I’ve had to take it apart 2 times already and I’ve only owned it for 3 years now. It keeps clogging up.

Either you slap the salesman silly or extend your face and c’mere. My hand is ready. The sales man told me that this dishwasher has a garborator and I didn’t need to rinse my dishes. So did Cascade dish detergent. I’m not sure who is the bigger liar. You or them.

Of course I rinse off the big stuff chunks, but little stuff like ketchup or rice particles I don’t. My dishwasher is getting clogged. I have to unscrew the base down to the pump and rinse it out. The first time I did it took 2 days to figure out how to get the thing back together again.

What’s the point of owning a dishwasher if you have to rinse them so clean and waste so much water that I may as well wash them by hand?

I’ve got 4 kids that eat a lot of food. I can’t be without my dishwasher. I use it 2 or 3 times a day. Either put out and build a machine that works or I’m going to go buy myself a Bosch. I’m ready to toss this thing off my deck.

I think my rinse aid on my dishwasher is broken as well. My glasses keep getting foggy and yes I do use rinse aid. And yes, I did turn the knob to “more”. Thankfully vinegar works great for shiny glasses.

Stupid Maytag. Stupid Commercials. STUPID me for listening and believing what they say.

I hope you and that new Maytag man start doing something constructive instead of sitting around thinking you don’t have work cuz your machines are fabulous. Start moving big guy and get over here!

I hate Maytag and the smug Maytag man.

Sincerely,
Joanne

I’ve got some issues that I need to take up with you.

1. What’s up with sending me so many kids? You know I’m not that great of a mother so I wish you could just make me infertile. Why do I have to be so damn fertile? There are tones of people out there that want kids and can’t have them. Send anymore over to them. I’m done, 4 is plenty. I’ve multiplied and reproduced. That’s enough thank you. I don’t want to become the poster woman for Breeders R’ Us.

2. Eating. I have problems with this. I hate eating. It’s such a waste of my time. I could be doing so many other things. My philosophy is if you’re going to eat, it better be good or why bother. Making a good meal takes hours. There’s a lot of prep work and once the food is made it is gone in like 15 minutes. If I don’t eat properly then I’m all cranky, lethargic and my body gets mad at me. If I could just take a pill or just always have instant energy that would be fabulous.

3. Sleeping. Another waste of time! I could get so much done if I didn’t have to sleep. If my body just instantly renewed itself and I always had tones of energy I could be able to deal with the 4 crazy kids you’ve placed in my care.

4. Going to the bathroom. *sigh* Really? Could there just not be some other magical way for waste to be eliminated. See if you don’t have to eat you don’t have to go to the bathroom… there ya go problem solved. If this bodily function could be eliminated then again I’d have more time on my hands. It’s so inconvient. I hate changing diapers or having to try to find a bathroom in the mall in less than a minute before my kid pees himself cuz he waited too long to tell me. That’s not my idea of fun. If any part of the bathroom process malfunctions then there are all kinds of problems that people have like kidney problems, colon cancer, irritable bowels, etc. It just throws your entire body out of wack if this function doesn’t work properly. So please just eliminate it altogether.

5. Farting and Burping. Passing gas of any kind is just raunchy and smelly. Especially since my husband has decided to be such a health nut he’s eating way too many beans and broccoli. I seem to be the one that suffers the consequences.

6. Birth. I know it’s partially Eve’s fault, but couldn’t you have made this easier and not hurt so much? It’s just mean and cruel. Why can’t men give birth? I’d like to see them get fat and have to pass a watermelon out their ass.

7. Satan and his minions. He’s getting a out of control. Don’t you think it was time to reel that bad boy in and give him some consequences for his actions? Sooner than later would be nice, this world is getting more and more evil by the second.

8. How come I didn’t get cool gifts like the ability to fly or to transport myself or have telekinesis. I promise I won’t go all Darth Vader all the time… If you tie up the devil then I wouldn’t have those impulses.

9. Mosquitoes. What’s up with this creation? Couldn’t you have made an insect that doesn’t bite? Not only does it have to bite me, it leaves red welts that are so itchy they drive me insane scratching them. Now I’ve found out that I can get West Nile from these pests. I’m not impressed. If you could wipe them off the face of the earth and make them extinct that would be swell.

That’s about it for now. If I think of more I’ll be sure to let you know! I’m trying to do my best down here, but that damn devil keeps prompting me otherwise. Again, please take care of him swiftly.

Thanks for the beautiful sunshine, the trees, plants, animals, butterflies and my kids. Even if they are a tad on the crazy side.

Love,
Joanne

The guy has skills. Skills that I want, and I want them now!

I want to have super speed, cuz then I could whip around the house and clean it up faster than my kids have time to destroy it.

I want to have super strength so I can lift heavy things myself instead of having to wait months before my husband gets around to moving heavy things for me.

Ryan always complains, “what can’t you lift that yourself?”
“Well, maybe if I was a 200 lbs. weight lifter I could dumbass… if you wanted someone that could lift heavy things you should’ve married a sasquatch instead of a pixie like me.” I snap.
*sigh*

He always thinks he’s hard done by. He calls himself my beast of burden, cuz I’m always getting him to do things for me. He can lift things, he’s very strong. Stronger than the average Joe Blow, unfortunately for me, he is just lazy. If he can find an excuse not to do anything he does. He’s the King of Excuses. All hail the King. I hate having to ask him to move stuff, so if there’s some sort of drug I can take to become superman let me know.

I want to have x-ray vision and super hearing so I can see and hear that my 2 year old is once again terrorizing the house.
It’s true what the collective “they” say about having 4 kids. It’s no different than having 3. It’s lots of fun and lots of work. When people find out I have 4 kids they smile sympathetically with wide scared eyes and say, “Wow, you must be busy!.” Busy is an understatement. There are days when I feel like crawling under a rock and disappearing, but then small chubby hands come up and grab my hand.

Little brown doe-eyed Brandon comes up to give me a kiss and a hug… and for a moment everything is wonderful until he pulls back, looks into my eyes and says, “sooay” (translation: sorry). Then hands me a black permanent marker and smiles apologetically. *sigh* I ask him to show me where his “art work” is so I can see his the full extent of his terror. He takes me downstairs and shows me the computer monitor. Great… now I’m staring through black lines which I suppose some would call art. GAH!

I swear nothing will teach you patience like kids and a husband.

Now I know why on my wedding day when I was on the way to get married in my wedding dress a guy leaned out of his truck window and screamed, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Stop now while you can!”
I looked at him like he was a retard… obviously he had experience in the area and I was the retarded one…

Flying would be nice, I could just fly away to another freakn’ planet and leave this chaos behind.

Dear, Superman

Hey big guy, Can you please pass along some of your special abilities so I can cope with this crazy life I have created for myself? Sooner than later would be nice, cuz I’m not sure how long my sanity will last. Thanks, I’d appreciate it!

Sincerely,
Joanne

F*CK YOU!

You keep coming around uninvited. You keep showing up whenever you damn well please and I’m not impressed. A little heads up would be nice. I really hate it when you show up on my doorstep and want to stay around for a week.

Whenever you come over I’m so irritated and annoyed. You give me such a horrible headache and make me feel light headed. You’re not welcome here. Never. Ever. If you never come back again I’d be so exhilarated.

Stay the f*ck away. I hate you! I hate you with a passion. Go to hell!

Sincerely,
Joanne