The journey between here and there

I can’t believe it is almost the middle/end of November.

Where does time go? I am really, really bad at time. It controls me and I unfortunately have not learned how to control it.

I really wish I had a remote control on life. I need that “Pause” button on the remote. Then again, if I did I’d be 500 years old cuz I’d always have it on pause.

One of my friends wanted the “FFWD” button which I still can’t understand. I’d never want to fast forward my life. I’m so busy trying to desperately catch up that Fast Forward wouldn’t work for me. It would just put me more behind.

Are there events that I look forward to and would like to happen right now? Sure, but there’s adventure in the middle that’s happening that I’d miss if I hit Fast Forward.

Now I’d really love the “Rewind” button. That would be an awesome option. I’d love to relive some days, like a ground hog day just cuz the days were so much fun. Going to Golden, BC is a ground hog day moment. Ryan’s recent birthday, Playing in Las Vegas, the wedding in Victoria, going to Hawaii, our summer camping trips, snowboarding, funny family dinners, playing with the kids, water slides, playing at WEM, snuggling in bed talking, laughing and just being together not sqwabbling. All these things. I’d love to relive.

I wish there was a menu button so you could see your life past, present, future. That would be cool.

Things are going well…. if I would just remember to take my vitamins I’d be doing even better, but oh well.

I’m starting to get a little cranky cuz it’s coming close to December and Christmas. Although this year should be so awesome, but I still really hate the whirlwind of Christmas. There’s just so much to do. So many expectations, so many things on my ‘to do list’ that it makes me go insane. Christmas sucks. I hate being a grown up. I just want a magical Christmas where I don’t have to plan - it just magically happens. Taa-daa!

I still remember the smell of the freshly cut Christmas tree when I was a kid. The magic of Santa and presents. The wonderful dinner that I didn’t have to prepare, just had to sit at the table.

For the longest time it was just me and my parents at Christmas. I loved the smell of tape on presents - actually I still do. The piles of presents that would make me squeal with delight and take me hours to open- it would seem. I love the smells coming from the kitchen. The crackling of the wood in the fire. The frost on the windows. The falling snow flakes that seemed to be as big as my hand. The fresh farm air. The soft fluffy snow. Snowbanks that were so huge, I could tunnel through them. Snowmen, skating, the millions of stars that hung in the night sky twinkling and saying hello to me. Wishing on falling stars. Hot chocolate with mini marshmellows. Walks in the snowy night. Freshly born baby lambs. Looking for Santa at night. Eating candy canes and the chocolate ornaments that hung on the tree.

Rewind to that perfect Christmas Eve. That perfect day when I was still innocent and naive. Where everything was magical. Where my imagination took me places. Where toys were my best friend along with my cat and dog. Back to when everything was simple. Where “Pot of Gold” where THE best chocolates in my mind….except for the cherry filled ones… bleh. I still don’t like those. I think I would have been 5 or 6. I wasn’t in school yet. No relatives had been around. Just me and my parents.

That’s what I want to rewind back to, the Happy Christmases…

Sometimes I wish you could have a do over. Going back in time with the knowledge you have now. Would I make different decisions? Would I change things? If I did change them, what would the butterfly effect be? I love thinking about that. What would I change. If I did change those things, would it change the kind of person I am today? Could I save myself from life change events? Or would those things still happen? Would I listen to myself or would I make the same mistakes? Would I be able to make my life more incredible and not waste so much precious time?

I dunno….. I just don’t know…..

This wind is just crazy. It flies down the hill and pummels our house. It is so loud. I just can’t sleep. I have to sleep on the couch on the east side of the house so I don’t hear the wind rattle and roar against the house. This is the 3rd day and I’m losing my mind. I’m not getting much sleep between Ryan snoring and the wind, it’s not been good.

The only shining light I have would be that I got to take 2 days off work cuz the day home that I put my kids into shut down cuz they got the H1N1.

Everything will be fine, but I’m using this time to work on issues that I’ve been neglecting like the school junk. There is so much crap flying around that I’m not surprised that no one wants to take on the position and deal with it….. if only I was Darth Vader…. it’s amazing how a mysterious death could solve some problems.

Sometimes I do want to divulge more information, however, google is not my friend and in fact is an enemy to me. So I don’t divulge names or too many telling details because people have a tendency to google themselves. Humph…. jerks.

you were Darth Vader?

I do. More often than not. Am I that cold and calculating? Maybe. Or is it just impulsive thoughts to deal with rage and anger? Is it bad that I imagine squeezing their neck until they stop breathing and their neck snaps or have their vehicle careen off the road so it looks like an accident? Or am I just insane? Do I follow through with any of these things? No.

I wonder if normal people think the same way? I’ve discovered and come to realize the older that I get, that I’m just not normal. I’m not like the regular people out there. It fascinates me and worries me at the same time.

Of course those deep dark thoughts don’t come to fruition and I control my anger. I try to be aware of my feelings and talk myself out of ‘psycho’ every now and then. That is usually when I lock myself up in my room, don’t answer the phone, don’t talk to anyone and just brew. After a good night’s sleep I’m good and back to my regular self…. or after I’ve taken my vitamins I’m back to my lil bubbly self.

I’ve only lost control of myself once. On a school bus at a teenage boy that was teasing my friend. He kept pestering her, calling her names and wouldn’t shut up. He was a total jerk and my farm neighbor. I kept warning him and kept getting more and angrier as the bus ride went on. He kept calling her a nerd. Finally when he called her ugly and went on to compare her to an animal I lost it. She wasn’t ugly and I thought she was very pretty so I was infuriated that he kept making fun of her.

I flew up over the seat and just began to nail him with my fist. I kept throwing his head against the window and just pounded on him with my fist. My fist flew in rage connecting his face, his cheek, his ear, nose, anything it could.

If he blocked me I’d use my other hand to throw a fake punch or slap, then drill him with my right fighting fist. It wasn’t until the bus driver stopped the bus and hollered at me, that I stopped.

We both got hauled up to the front and made to sit together right behind the driver for the rest of the school year. From then on he never pissed me off or said anything mean about my friend. He got made fun of because a girl beat him up, but the cocky S.O.B just said, “Oh, I let her.”

Phfft… fat chance. He was trying to throw a punch out, but I’d block it with my other hand and I was striking so fast that he just eventually curled up and protected his face.

The rage and anger I felt was just unbelievable. I had never felt that much hate, that much anger, that much pure and utter rage ever before. I lived a crazy childhood and there were plenty of things I got angry at, but nothing that evoked such killer instinct before. It was just a blind rage.

I never felt sorry for beating him. To this day I’m still not sorry cuz he’s so mean and rude to people. For instance, there was a girl who had acne issues and was kind of an ugly duckling in high school. Once she graduated from high school, went off to university she turned absolutely gorgeous. Before she was this meek, mousey brown haired geek and she ended up being this bombshell, smart blond.

Everyone was so happy for her, however, when she went to a hockey game, this “boy” was there and he recognized her. He tormented her in high school and made her cry several times. He began to bark at her
and call her a dog at the hockey game. This was 5 years AFTER high school.

I was just shocked and appalled. What ignorant, jackass does that? Does he have low self esteem so he feels the need to put others down just so he can feel good about himself? Does he have no compassion? He obviously is still immature and I really hope that he falls flat on his face and gets back what he dished out. If hereditary genes work their magic on him, he will end up fat and bald. Maybe then he will be humbled. I dunno.

The next time I felt close to that much rage was when I had Laura. I remember she kept crying and whining and I didn’t get enough sleep. I was depressed, I was angry at myself, at my life and I couldn’t stop this baby from crying. She was only a few months old. I remember the rage and anger I felt towards her. I wanted to shake her I was so furious. If she died, at that moment I didn’t care. Gathering all the strength I had, I gritted my teeth, picked her up and put her in her crib. I slammed the door on my way out, went downstairs, turned on the music really loud and turned on the TV. After awhile she tuckered herself out and went to sleep.

This time however I felt terrible. I felt like a horrible mom because I had such deep dark thoughts about my own child. I went in to peek on her and put a blanket on her. She looked so angelic that I felt even worse. Maybe if she turned into a Gremlin and tried to eat me I’d feel more justified, but there she lay, just a sweet beautiful sleeping angel.

I suppose the good thing was that I didn’t shake her. I didn’t hit her, but I had to leave her when all she needed was to be loved I couldn’t give it to her cuz I had no love within me to give. Just pure hatred.

So now when people ask the question and it was a question I asked as well before I had kids, “How could someone shake a baby or want to do injury to a baby or child.” I understood. I understand the places that the mind goes. I understand the feelings and the rage.

As I had more children and I could feel that rage creep it’s ugly head into my consciousness I would just pick up that child, put it in their room and go into my room and lock the door. A time out for baby and mommy. It scared me to feel that much rage and the immense hatred of another human being that I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to control the beast.

So now instead of that rage, I just imagine spectacular deaths for people that have made me furious and have pissed me off. I guess it’s a way for my mind to deal with it.

I’ve also decided to take up kickboxing. I LOVE it! I went with a friend and when she put the glove shield things on and we had to hit them as hard and as fast as we could I just focused and went nuts. She was constantly being pushed back and the happy go lucky goofy Joanne disappeared and the evil, mad one surfaced. I took out all my aggression on the shields for a minute straight.

The instructor and everyone just stared. When the instructor called time he just whistled and said, “Wow! You have a lot of anger in there don’t you? Great form!” I snapped out of it and laughed it off. Made some smart crack, like ‘AH, I was just imagining it was my husband and I was beating him for all the times he pissed me off.”

Everyone chuckled, however my friend looked wide eyed at me. She gave a light hearted laugh and then said seriously, “Holy! I’m NEVER going to piss you off! I wouldn’t want to be in a fight with you!”

I just laughed it off. “Naw… I don’t take my rage out on people, I just stash it inside. I just let some of it out.”

“Well, I’m glad we’re not sparring!” She said, “You’re scary!”

To which I just made a joke out of it and played it down…. but she did get a peek inside. And she’s right, it is scary.

I quickly started acting goofy, making her laugh and putting her back at ease once again. I made sure that my monster was back inside sitting quietly until the next class.

I really love kickboxing. I’m going to go every Tuesday. It’s a great way to release all my tension, all my anger and rage.

My brother said I should go into mixed martial arts which is something I’d love to try as well. However, no one teaches it out here and I don’t want to go into Calgary for it. I suppose eventually someone will start something up here.

I do like the physical contact and how great it feels to let your fist fly into that shield glove. All that rage and anger being channeled down your arm, through the glove and connecting with the shield. So, so great.

When it was her turn I would push the shields back at her and taunt her, “Come on! Hit me harder! Don’t be afraid. Harder! Harder! Harder! Focus! HARDER!” I would be tapping her back to offset her punch. However, she didn’t get that same dark, angry look that I got. She loved the class as much as I did.

I think it’s good for women to do a sport like kickboxing. I think it really gets a lot of anger out of your system. It’s a good thing. I was sorry that the class ended because I wanted to learn so much more and I wanted to fight until my arms could no longer sustain the punching.

Ryan figured I would be sore the next day, but I wasn’t. I was ready for another round. Tuesday can’t come fast enough.

Thankfully, only in the mild form. I thought my kids had it all at the beginning of October because they were all sick with the flu. NO. Not so lucky. Now its H1N1. There is nothing that can be done because it’s just a flu. So Josh has gotten it today. He was complaining on Tuesday about his sore throat and he had a cough. Wednesday he threw up at cubs, he came home, went to bed and had a low grade fever 38.2C. In the morning he was not feeling any better and his cough sounded like a seal bark and he was having troubles breathing. I took Josh into urgent care because he was complaining of chest pains, not being able to breath, I could hear a wheeze coming from him and he had a croupy cough. I took him in and nope, not croupe, but H1N1. Hmm… nothing I can do or nothing the doctors can do except watch him and make sure his breathing doesn’t get worse. He had all the symptoms listed on the AB Health Website.

Doc couldn’t hear any wheezing and said his lungs were ok, but the infection was deep in his throat. So Josh is off school until Monday and I’m taking a few days off work. Which I’m kinda mixed feelings about, cuz I was on a roll and had landed a few contracts and wanted to keep going. Ah well. It always seems like when I want to take some time off, the kids get sick so I’m forced to take time off.

I hovered over Josh and kept asking him every 30 min how his breathing was. He was getting annoyed. He’d say, “Nothings changed mom since the last time you asked. I’m still the same.”

So I laid off the constant questioning and distracted myself by watching Dexter, Heroes and Smallville. Every time he walked by, I’d still ask, with the same answer.

Luke was sick yesterday. He was lethargic all day and took 3 naps. He had a high fever last night 42.2C I awoke in the middle of the night and I just felt this urgency to check on him. I rushed over and felt him. He was burning up. I ripped off his blankets and took off all his clothes except his underwear. I woke him up. Made him drink some water and gave him a dose of Tylenol for fever. Within 10 min his temp went down to 39C. I relaxed and put a light blanket on him, then went back to bed. When Luke woke up in the morning he was his usual mischievous, talkative self.

Brandon is next to get H1N1. He is complaining of all the things Josh did. His throat is sore, he is coughing and he feels like throwing up. I told him he was getting sick and would not be able to go to his Halloween party at school and would have to miss his special day. He was crushed and it almost broke me. I was so sad that I couldn’t send him to school, but at the moment he is contagious. The doc said that once the first symptom shows up that they are contagious for 3-5 days after that. So I don’t want to get more kids sick at school. I was heart broken for Brandon when I saw the look on his face. He hid his face and I could see tears well up in his eyes. He’s such a strong silent type. He always hides his emotions and pretends that he doesn’t care, but he’s just as sensitive as the rest of my kids, just puts his emotions inwards.

I took him on my lap and cuddled him. I told him that we’d have waaaaaaaaay more fun at home than at school anyway. We’ll carve our pumpkins, make cookies and decorate the house for Halloween on Saturday. The kid just made my heart ache for him. I almost wished that I hadn’t said anything to anyone about his symptoms and sent him to school, but that wouldn’t have been right either.

My girls are totally fine. I’m watching them closely though. This virus spreads quickly. My friends are freaking out. I’ve got numerous calls asking advice about the shot they are giving out. I’m not going to get it. I don’t think it’s going to prevent anything because it takes 4 - 6 weeks to take effect and we are smack dab in the middle of the pandemic and my kids already have it. I’m not getting the shot either. I’ve got a great immune system. My body craves the stuff it needs to fight any viruses. I get sick once a year and I’m hoping that this year I can dodge the bullet. I’m taking lots of vitamins, trying to get lots of sleep, drinking my peppermint tea and eating lots of fruit and veggies.

Ryan came home today and took a nap. Then he came home at night and he thinks he is coming down with H1N1 as well. Yikes. He’s always getting sick so I knew it was just a matter of time before he got sick. He’s got all the early symptoms; the sore throat, the cough and he’s getting lethargic. I told him he needs to take time off work, but I highly doubt that he will.

If he kicks the bucket I’m gonna kick his arse cuz the life insurance is only a million and I don’t see how he expects me to raise 5 kids on that. A million doesn’t go as far as it used to and me, being the spender that I am, would probably stupidly spend it within a very short period of time. His excuse for not getting anything more was that he didn’t want to pay for my new husband’s fancy sports car. To which I quipped, “Oh honey, don’t you worry. The next guy I marry is gonna have money. He’ll already be driving one. Don’t kid yourself. My money will be pocket change….. and besides, it’s not going to be for HIS fancy new sports car. It’s going to be for MY fancy sports car.” HA! hehe… all in good fun tho. He knows I’m teasing him…. well…. actually, I’m not. I’ve made plans. Plan B. Everyone needs one. You hate to use it, but if anything happens. You just slide effortlessly into Plan B.

Is that messed up? Well…. that is how my mind works. It’s quite dark and I dare not reveal all my darkest thoughts for I’m sure I’d be committed.

And if it’s me that kicks the bucket, then hellz bellz! I’m excited for that adventure. I think it will be a total blast. I sooooo look forward to not having to eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. My 3 biggest pet peeves in life. Everything would be so much better if you didn’t have to deal with those 3 annoying earthly tasks.

I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see how it all plays out.

Usually I’ve got things planned out months in advance of what I will do for Ryan’s bday. I’m a planner. It’s what I do. However, this year, I flew by the seat of my pants and things didn’t come together until 2 days before…. and it turned out to be the best birthday yet.

Ryan has everything. If he doesn’t have it he just goes out and buys it for himself. He doesn’t have hobbies besides working out. He doesn’t like traveling, he is a workaholic and he is very hard to buy for. Usually for his birthday I do what I want to do on my birthday and just live vicariously through his birthday since he always forgets my birthday and never plans anything.

This year I called up the Fairmont Palliser Hotel in Calgary and booked the 350 sq. ft. Fairmont Gold King Room on the Concierge level with a private lounge, breakfast and all kinds of awesomeness thrown in. It only cost me $211 because there was a sale going on. Normally that room is $500/night. I was pretty proud of myself for finding such a fabulous deal. I also booked brunch at the Rimrock.

There is a new lingerie store in town that opened. I stopped in after work and they have THE cutest, sexiest stuff in there! They order all their stuff from Lingerie Diva. They have got the cutest stuff. I hate ordering online cuz I’m a try it on kinda girl. So I’m so glad they finally have a store in town that sells cute stuff. I got a couple outfits, leather boots that went up to my knees and figured he would love it. Kinda for me, kinda for him. Really, it’s a win-win.

He came home from work and fell asleep on the bed. I packed us a suitcase and put everything in the back of the Sequoia. Woke him up and we went out to The Keg for dinner. Bleh. After that experience I have now put the Keg on my banned restaurant list. It was gross. From the appetizers to the dessert. Nothing was good. We are used to going out to better places and now the Keg is not up there in good food. Caesar’s is THE best steak house in town. I love Caesar’s. So that’s where I’ll be going from now on. Normally, I would have taken him to Caesar’s or The Vintage, but he got a gift card from his trainer so we figured we better use it up. We have a tendency to get gift cards then not do anything with them and they expire.

After a disappointing meal, I hopped in the drivers seat and drove downtown. hehehe… Ryan hates it when I drive. It stresses him out, but I enjoy watching him squirm and be uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because this is the only thing I do to him that makes him annoyed that I relish in the fact that he is irked. He’s so easy going and mellow that nothing I do bugs him and that irritates me. I’m evil I suppose.

“So where do you want to go?” I asked him.

“Let’s go to a sleazy hotel that charges by the hour!” He smiles and looks at me mischievously.

I scoff. “Fat chance. That’s not gonna happen.” I retort. “I’ve got much better plans than that.”

We carry on a light conversation as I fly down the Deerfoot and Ryan makes random comments about my driving.

“So how’s it going stranger?…..what are you doing? The mirrors are here… you should have adjusted them BEFORE we left not now……. We haven’t seen each other much…. stay in your lane…. how’s been your week?……would you stay in your lane?…..work has been so crazy……slow down, you’re going too fast……how’s work for you?” Is what comes out of his mouth as I drive.

“Just so you know. I think I’m a fabulous driver!” I retort and ignore all his driving comments.

“All the bad drivers think they are fabulous.” Is his terse reply.

He’s hanging on to the ‘holy shiz’ bars and his facial muscles are tense. I grin to myself in satisfaction that he is so uncomfortable. I think it’s my crazy messed up, passive aggressive mind making him pay for all the grief that he bestows upon me. My own little way of revenge…. hehehe… and on his birthday yet. HA!

I go downtown and I’m trying to find the hotel, but there is so much construction on the road that I have to go down a few blocks, then circle back. I circle the hotel a couple of times waiting for a spot to clear up in the valet parking spot.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?…… I wish you’d let me drive…… Watch out! You’re such a crazy driver….. Do you even know where you are going? ……Watch out for the curb…..I can’t believe you hit the curb…..You need to turn wider…..Good driver huh?…… Look out for that construction cone….. Didn’t you see it? … Look out my window to see if anyone is coming? Seriously! …….. You’re giving me a heart attack.” Are Ryan’s comments from the passenger seat as I try to navigate through downtown.

I hate driving downtown.

So I finally pull up and park in front of the hotel.

“Here we are!” I chirp, all grins and smiles. “Happy Birthday babe!”

He looks relieved that we have finally stopped and when he sees the hotel he grins from ear to ear. The Palliser is THE best hotel in Calgary. We have always wanted to stay here… well… I have anyway. Finally, tonight is the night. I’m so crazy excited to stay here.

The valet is all dressed up with a hat and tux. He comes over to take our bags. I’m giggling and chattering away.

“So, did you guess? Did you know. Great surprise huh? Did you have a clue? I kept it pretty quiet huh! I’m so excited I kept this secret to myself! Happy Birthday! Isn’t this awesome! I’m so pumped! I got a smokin’ deal too! We have to go to the 8th floor to check in! Our own private check in! hehehe….” I’m bouncing about happy as can be.

We go up the stairs and through the doors. Soft music is playing, chandelieres, gorgeous carpet, plush chairs, couches, flowers and sculptures greet us as we pass through the lobby. The dark, warm wood is hand carved with intricate flowers and scrolling. The ceilings are vaulted and carved as well.

We hop in the elevator to head up to the 8th floor. Without saying a word Ryan kisses me until the elevator stops. “Thank you! This is the best birthday ever!” He whispers into my ear.

Giggling I get out of the elevator looking all over and taking in the beautiful woodwork that is all around. We are greeted at the desk. The lady gives us our room key, tell us all about the Gold Club Perks and shows us where the breakfast will be served in the morning. I’m just ecstatic. I go into the breakfast room, grab some tea and cookies to take back up to our room.

We are on the 11th floor. 1138. We come up to a large, tall, white door. I’m so pumped out of my mind. I’ve always wanted to stay here. This is just magical to me. I’m soaking every moment in and trying to commit everything to memory.

We enter the room and it’s HUGE! It’s beautiful. We are on the top floor and we have 3 large windows with long stripped curtains. There is a love seat, arm chair, desk, a King bed, a huge closet, TV, and everything just looked elegant. Prior to our arrival they put a lemon meringue pie all done up fancy with the words, “Happy Birthday” written in chocolate on the plate with chocolate hearts adorning each side of the word. They also had a card addressed to Ryan.

I poked my head into all the little nooks and crannies, exploring the room, chattering and exclaiming, “Oh my goodness! Check this out!”

Ryan just smiled and watched me explore the room, look out the windows and sit on all the furniture. He plopped himself on the bed, waiting patiently for me to finish exploring the room.

I gave him a gift to open, which was a black Mexx button down shirt.

I grabbed the suitcase and headed towards the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back! I’m gonna go explore the bathroom and see what fancy shmancy stuff they have in here!” I chirp as I swiftly enter the bathroom and close the door. I do spend time exploring the bathroom to see what stuff they have given us.

Then I get into my little ‘outfit’. Trying to decide which one to wear took a little bit because I couldn’t figure out what outfit to put on first. Then trying to do up all the clasps, ties, snaps, etc. just takes forever.

Ryan finally turned on the TV since I was taking forever trying to get this crazy stuff on.

I sauntered out of the bathroom and Ryan’s eyes almost popped out of his head. I have never seen him react this way.

Needless to say, we had a fantastic evening.

In the morning, my early bird woke up at the crack of dawn it seemed like. 9:30am may not be early, but we had a long night. I was exhausted. I told him to go to breakfast without me cuz I wanted to sleep in more.

He happily went up, ate a fabulous breakfast and read the paper from front to back. Something he hasn’t been able to do in years.

After laying in bed for another hour I woke up, hopped into the shower, got ready and slipped into another outfit then perched myself on the couch awaiting his return.

He came back with orange juice, fruit, smoked salmon, croissants, cheese and a bagel for me. Awwww…. how sweet. The breakfast buffet had ended and I missed it so he brought me breakfast to the room.

Once again his eyes grew huge and same with his smile once he laid eyes on me and my new outfit.

I’m so glad I booked a hotel, cuz you can’t pull this kind of stunt when there are 5 kids roaming about.

We had a fabulous morning and Ryan loved his birthday surprises.

We checked out at 12:20pm and headed out to The Rimrock for brunch. It was AMAZING. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVED this brunch. It was incredible. So delicious. I wish I could eat lots more, but my tummy only lets me eat so much and I wish I could have grazed here all day long.

We got our bags and vehicle from the concierge and headed off to pick up the kids for our family pictures.

After we picked up the kids we got to Heritage Park and they had closed access to where we wanted to have our pictures taken. I sweet talked the security guard into letting us go into the park to take pictures. He let us drive into the park. We had the entire place all to ourselves. It was awesome! We took pictures on an old car, a few of the various buildings and it was just an absolute blast! Arlee is such an great photographer. It was a lot of fun. It was chilly and we made it through the 2 hours of pictures.

After we went to see “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” It was a cute kids movie. We came home and the kids made Ryan a card and we cut his cake. I put the $100 Ikea gift card in kids card as a gift from the kids. Ryan has wanted to get some sort of closet thingy from Ikea. I couldn’t figure out what he wanted based on his description so I figured that he could just buy it himself.

All in all, I think it was an excellent birthday. Operation Birthday Surprise was a great success. I think we should do this every year, because I had an excellent time as well.

When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past. But it does enlarge the future.
- Mary Karen Read

It’s time for another holiday me thinks. I’m starting to unwind and lose it. I can feel myself falling apart and reeling at all these expectations of being pulled into so many directions. Work, kids school, home, kids, church. It really is exhausting. How I have enough energy is just beyond me. I need to learn the word, “no.”

I’m feeling really overwhelmed because I just finished an executive meeting with my VP, Treasurer and Secretary and I really didn’t feel like we accomplished a lot. I just left thinking…. did we even make any decisions? Things that I wanted decisions on were not decided on. Things were left in limbo…

I hate limbo. I hate the waiting. I hate not knowing. It drives me nuts. I really go squirrelly cuz I want to know something, but then not have the information to make an informed decision or not coming to a concrete decision is really frustrating.

It is coming up to the end of October… getting closer to Christmas and December. The more it gets closer to December the nuttier I get cuz I hate Christmas so much. Although this year I hope it will be different, but I’m sure it will be filled with disappointment as always.

So I took the kids to see “Shorts” tonite and we also caught the tail end of “G.I. Joe” which I thought was good for an adaptation of a kids tv show.

Ryan said he would stay home with Luke because Luke was a bear today and he had passed out for a nap, thankfully, in our bed. This would give him the chance to finish the bathroom downstairs. He would clean up the tools, wipe out the gunk all over the floor and get the toilet working in the basement bathroom.

I come home and Ryan wanders out of the TV room. I peek into the bathroom and besides water in the toilet bowl (all he had to do was turn the water on). I just glared at him not saying a word.

“What? You went to the movies so I wanted to watch one to.” is his feeble response. He flashes me his charming grins, but they have long since worn off and no longer work on me.

I just roll my eyes. “Well, if you wanted to watch a movie, I would have brought you with us. You were the one that wanted to stay home.”

“I know, I just wanted to snuggle with Luke and spend some quality time with Luke.” He counters.

I shake my head still glaring. “Watch T.V. with Luke is not quality time.” I grumble as I turn and head up the stairs to usher the kids into their night routine of packing school lunches, finding boots, coats, mitts, gloves, agendas and everything they need for school tomorrow.

A little while later in the evening after the kids are all tucked in, things have been found, placed by the door, lunches packed, clothes picked out for the morning and everyone is ready to go, I am feeling very satisfied that my night routine actually worked. Whoo hoo! Hooray for 1st times.

Ryan opens the bathroom door to our ensuite and steam comes rushing out looking for an escape. I’m folding the kids clothes and putting them away in their drawers.

“What’s with the marathon shower and bath?” I ask. Not really caring, but just amused that he has taken an hour in the bathroom.

“Oh, I have tendonitis in my arms and hands. So I was just trying to loosen it up….. ” he explains…

“Hmmm…. that’s too bad. You ok?” I inquire, now curious of this new aliment he has seemed to pick up.

“Ya, it will get better. That’s why I couldn’t clean the basement floor in the bathroom. My tendonitis was really acting up and it hurt to pick things up.” He explains.

I sigh and say drily, “Ya know, you are the KING of excuses. You need to write a book, “1001 excuses that sound legitimate.” You never fail to amaze me with the excuses you can come up with for not doing something. It is a gift really.”

He laughs. “What?” he asks innocently. “At least I give you an excuse. You don’t even mention anything.”

“Well, 1st of all, why should I make some sort of passive aggressive excuse? It’s frustrating and annoying. And secondly, if I just didn’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. I don’t need to excuse myself. You don’t ask. I don’t offer a lame ass excuse. Even if you did ask I would just say that I didn’t feel like it. It’s called honesty Ryan. You should try it some time.” I grumbled glaring at him and his train of thought.

He drives me mental.

He just grins his goofy grin at me. I just shake my head and keep folding laundry. Sheesh.

Josh made everyone “Happy Thanks giveing, Love Josh” cards. Yes, that’s how he spelled it. He’s so freakn’ sweet. I just love that kid. He’s my most sweetest, sensitive, funny kid.

Well, I can’t believe it’s been almost another year. Thankfully, this year, I finally found some vitamins that help my brain issues. The truehope stuff is amazing. I was off it again since Wednesday. Today is Monday and holy toledo. I could feel myself spiral downward and get sleepy, cranky, depressed, lethargic and just shut down. It was not good. I realized what my issue was and took my vitamins. It took a few hours for it to kick in so I was good and stable again, but sheesh. I have to make sure to always take them. They make such a night and day difference with me.

I was motivated, happy, and I wasn’t on a war path. Stupid brain chemicals.

Things are going good again. Life is weird for me. It kind of ebbs and flows. Good days, smashed with the bad days. What makes the difference is how much I like or hate Ryan that day. He always frustrates me, but with those vitamins, they numb all my anger and hate towards him. He’ll do something stupid, like forget something I’ve asked him to do 5 times, given reminders calls, notes, emails, texts, etc and instead of flying into a crazy rage, I don’t feel any anger at all. I don’t feel the sheer rage.

I don’t feel happiness. I just coast along in this clarity of balance. No extremes anymore. I really miss the wild, crazy frenzy of happiness I get, but I really don’t miss my lows. I’m much more productive and in control of my emotions this way… if that means not to feel pure craziness, then I guess it must.

I function much better with these vitamins now and when I do want to feel the crazy happiness, I just go off of them for a few days and hope that my cycle is on the up and not on the down. When I came off them on Wednesday, it took a couple days for them to fully drain from my system, but by Friday/Saturday I hit a brick wall and unfortunately it wasn’t my up week, it was a downward spiral.

I got so much accomplished around the house after taking the vitamins, cleaning, organizing, sorting. I’m just so proud of myself. I know that may not be a big deal to the normal average person, but to me, it’s the world. If I can focus and keep being driven I can take on anything.

I’m thankful for Ryan, cuz even though he pisses me off and sends me to the brink of the darkside where my head will start spinning and explode at any second, he always provides for our little family. We are such opposites. Why he puts up with me and thinks I’m so adorable is just beyond me. His unconditional love is something I’m really not used to and even though we’ve been together for 15 years now, it just baffles me.No matter how much I tell him one day that I hate him, one day I’ll love him and one day I’ll really dislike him. He just still sticks by me. Why? I don’t know. I know I’d never put up with someone if they did that to me. I’d flip out.

I just still keep him at a distance. Never fully loving him. He has made me so angry and upset in the past that it’s just easier to not love him unconditionally. He’s my friend. He always will be….. and do I love him? I suppose. In my own way. Very leery and watchful of him tho.

Well, I can’t believe it’s been almost another year. Thankfully, this year, I finally found some vitamins that help my brain issues. The truehope stuff is amazing. I was off it again since Wednesday. Today is Monday and holy toledo. I could feel myself spiral downward and get sleepy, cranky, depressed, lethargic and just shut down. It was not good. I realized what my issue was and took my vitamins. It took a few hours for it to kick in so I was good and stable again, but sheesh. I have to make sure to always take them. They make such a night and day difference with me.

I was motivated, happy, and I wasn’t on a war path. Stupid brain chemicals.

Things are going good again. Life is weird for me. It kind of ebbs and flows. Good days, smashed with the bad days. What makes the difference is how much I like or hate Ryan that day. He always frustrates me, but with those vitamins, they numb all my anger and hate towards him. He’ll do something stupid, like forget something I’ve asked him to do 5 times, given reminders calls, notes, emails, texts, etc and instead of flying into a crazy rage, I don’t feel any anger at all. I don’t feel the sheer rage.

I don’t feel happiness. I just coast along in this clarity of balance. No extremes anymore. I really miss the wild, crazy frenzy of happiness I get, but I really don’t miss my lows. I’m much more productive and in control of my emotions this way… if that means not to feel pure craziness, then I guess it must.

I function much better with these vitamins now and when I do want to feel the crazy happiness, I just go off of them for a few days and hope that my cycle is on the up and not on the down. When I came off them on Wednesday, it took a couple days for them to fully drain from my system, but by Friday/Saturday I hit a brick wall and unfortunately it wasn’t my up week, it was a downward spiral.

I got so much accomplished around the house after taking the vitamins, cleaning, organizing, sorting. I’m just so proud of myself. I know that may not be a big deal to the normal average person, but to me, it’s the world. If I can focus and keep being driven I can take on anything.

I’m thankful for Ryan, cuz even though he pisses me off and sends me to the brink of the darkside where my head will start spinning and explode at any second, he always provides for our little family. We are such opposites. Why he puts up with me and thinks I’m so adorable is just beyond me. His unconditional love is something I’m really not used to and even though we’ve been together for 15 years now, it just baffles me.No matter how much I tell him one day that I hate him, one day I’ll love him and one day I’ll really dislike him. He just still sticks by me. Why? I don’t know. I know I’d never put up with someone if they did that to me. I’d flip out.

I just still keep him at a distance. Never fully loving him. He has made me so angry and upset in the past that it’s just easier to not love him unconditionally. He’s my friend. He always will be….. and do I love him? I suppose. In my own way. Very leery and watchful of him tho.

Mom, that human parked behind us and honked at us! Humans are so weird.

So stupid me said I would be president of parent council for the school. I’m excited yet also very stressed. Everyone is calling me crazy. 5 kids, full-time job, sure I can take on more….. I’m ridiculous. I had a break down today. An overwhelming sense of stress and dispair engulf me. It takes me doubly long to do thing cuz I always get distracted.

I want to do so much yet the load I already carry is lots…. I’m a sucker for punishment.

So I was talking to a friend of mine, who has gotten a divorce and she says that if she could do it over again, she would just stay married and after the kids were grown she would get divorced… Ugh… that’s a looong time to live miserable. She weighed the pros and cons with me of getting divorced vs. just staying together. Bleh… each side totally blows stinky billy goats. So, I guess this is as good as it gets, cuz on either side of the fence you’re still dealing with a jackass.

Is it bad to love not having Ryan around when I go camping…. or ever? I went to Sandy McNab and Writing On Stone without him and had the time of my life! I was relaxed, had a routine down, everything was fun, light and simple. I just went on my own time schedule and didn’t have to go Ryan’s time. I just absolutely loved it. I love camping at WOS. It was the best camp site ever! The kids ran to the hoodoos and to the river back and forth all day. They had water gun fights and I loved the camp ground cuz the only extra fees to camping there was treating the kids to an ice cream or a slushie when it was hot out. We saw deer, rabbits, a raccoon came and ate our dog food at night. The weather was perfect, hot and the days went by wonderfully.

I called Ryan on our last day to make sure he was coming out or Shauna was coming out to pick us all up. He whined that he missed us. I told him that the kids missed him, but I didn’t cuz he just stresses me out so much.

FOR EXAMPLE… we get back from camping. We had been gone for 4 days.

4.

1.2.3.4 days.

The day we left I was running around getting everything ready to go and the kids left a couple glasses of milk on the table. When I got back the glasses were STILL on the table, the milk had turned sour, all curdled with fruit flies in them loving life. The dishes hadn’t been emptied out of the dishwasher, dishes were piled in the sink and the one thing I asked him to do before he left, called and reminded him AND left him a note on the fridge… he didn’t do… what was it? Take out the recycling and the trash on Wednesday.

It’s not rocket science. So I instantly was annoyed when I got home. I talked to him about it and asked him why he didn’t do it… he forgot… he was too busy… he went from work to the gym to bed… he was hardly around.… those were his excuses… so then later we’re talking and he then begins to talk about the movies he watched while we were away. That’s when I snapped. So he had time to watch 4 movies, yet he couldn’t take the time to put the glasses of milk in the sink and rinse it out? He passes the table EVERY MORNING on his way to the fridge where he grabs his fruit and milk for his shake every morning and evening. He couldn’t move the garbage pails outside? Holy hell…. I was furious.

So then I make dinner. Steak, stir fry, rice. So yummy. After dinner he just gets up and leaves. Doesn’t clean his plate or bring it to the sink. The kids bring their plate to the sink, but he doesn’t. His excuse? I forgot I was too tired. Seriously…. so am I! Yet I’m left to constantly clean up after him AND the kids. He’s an idiot. I can’t stand living with him. I wish we could live in separate houses.

Marriage sucks. I hate it. Men just stop trying once they figure they’ve got you. It sucks. I’m so sick of it. I’ve tried talking to him several times and he just plays dumb or he has a million excuses as to why he can’t help or his inability to continue to ‘date’ me.

I’d rather be by myself and depend on no one but myself than to turn to him and constantly be disappointed. He always lies to me and makes promises he can’t keep. I’m just so sick of it.

And no matter how unloving and mean I am towards him, he still sticks around and thinks life is the best ever. I’m just flabbergasted and exasperated. He never fights with me. He always avoids confrontation. Just tells me what I want to hear. He’s a total hard core passive aggressive. I hate it.

I constantly plan out his funeral in my mind. Is that bad? I think so…. *sigh* I’ve figure out what I’d say, what I would do, where people would sit, who I’d invite, the food, the music, what I’d do after,…. go on a trip. Take the life insurance and play hard. Invest it and just travel…. I haven’t picked out exactly WHERE in the cemetery to bury him, so I suppose that’s a good sign…. mental note… next time I go on a run, run by the cemetery to scope it out.

He’s just an idiot and I’m tired of living with an idiot. It’s so frustrating. But do you give up financial security or do you give up personal happiness? I dunno. It’s hard. I’ve got 5 kids. Ryan would be a total prick to deal with if we got divorced and I know he wouldn’t pay child support. The kids would have to live with him, although it would be so hard for them cuz he’d never be around and he’d make Laura do everything. There’s 5 of them. It’s not like there’s just 1.

I wish I could have an open marriage. We’d stay together for the sake of the kids, but just go out and date and do whatever we wanted. *sigh* again… I’m sure that’s a bad thought. I just have so many bad thoughts. It’s really getting hard to control them all… thank goodness I’m not Darth Vader.

That and I don’t feel like dealing with his issues. I found more crap on my computer when I was just going through some files and deleting things that were downloaded off the internet. I confronted him about them and again… out pours the excuses. I’m sick of them. I keep being optimistic that things will change and get better…. but I’m just a naive stupid girl.

He’s lost his wedding ring way back at the beginning of July. I’ve told him where it is and he hasn’t made the effort to go get it and put it back on. I really don’t care. I wish he’d go off and have an affair so I’d have a valid excuse to get out besides just being a bitch and wanting more out of a relationship.

I always think that I will go do things for myself, but he’s never around to watch the kids so I can. Laura can watch them, but then she feels annoyed that she has to watch them all the time. When I do go out, he whines that I’m not around when he gets home and the kids have torn apart the house and where’s supper?

I’ve got to get myself financially set. I’m going to start working again. They said that they’d offer me 100 G’s if I’d just commit and work 9 - 5 M-F. *ugh* I just don’t know if I can mentally handle it. I suppose if I HAD to I could, but I really love to play. I love my nothing days. I love having an open schedule. I feel so run down and worn out. I’ve GOT to figure myself out. I’ve got to write down some goals, post them everywhere so I don’t forget and just start aggressively pursing them. I’m so sick of wasting away my life. I want to spend time with the kids. They are heaps of fun. I don’t want to work full time. I want quiet days. I also want to get out of this mess I got myself into.

We didn’t even celebrate our anniversary this year. He forgot, until I reminded him. I didn’t get him anything. I didn’t know what to get him. He got me these earrings from Hawaii. A nice gesture sure. However, he paid way too much for them and they are too big for me. They look stupid. I just want our wedding pictures. I’ve been asking him to get them for me and he gets me all kinds of other crap except for what I ask for. I swear he’s THE most dense guy I’ve ever met. I’m sure I sound like the most ungrateful byatch around, but I’m just not a jewelry person and I’m very picky. I do have jewelry items picked out, which I’ve clipped and put on the fridge that he uses every day.

I mentioned this to him and his response…. You did? I’ve never seen them. Really? I’ve never noticed.

Shocker.

I could walk around with purple hair and he wouldn’t notice.

I think he does try… maybe in his own way he tries… but how can someone be so dense all the time? He just irritates me immensely.

I’m so much happier when he’s not around. It’s horrid to say, yet true. Bleh. Men suck. I don’t believe in happily ever after. It doesn’t exist. I’ve told my girls that. I’ve told them they have to be financially secure themselves with a good job so they don’t have to depend on anyone. Laura wants to be an anesthesiologist. She’s got the brains that she could do it too. Mya… too early to tell yet, but I’ve got to try to get her to find something she might enjoy. That one would be an excellent lawyer cuz she’s just ferocious.

The entire time while we were on vacation I would ask him if it was ok that we stopped at the farm or at my school and he’d say, “sure, I don’t want to stress you out, we’ll do whatever you want.”

I just rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and didn’t say anything. I turned up my ipod and glared out the window. F. Seriously F me.

This weekend we headed up to Slave Lake to go to my brothers wedding. I did his wedding cake and did his wedding pictures. I was 1/2 hr late for the wedding and held it up. I felt bad, but doing the cake prevented me from getting there on time.

If anyone wants me to show up on time, don’t ask me to do anything except for show up, or I’m gonna be late. You’ve still got a 50% chance that I’m going to be late, but asking me to do something on top of that will up it to a 99% chance that I’ll be late. It’s so frustrating that I can’t understand the concept of time. I never have enough time. I waste time and don’t use it efficiently.

Anyway, the wedding was beautiful. They were married on the beach, it was a beautiful summer day, the sun was setting… the exact wedding I wanted to have but didn’t. I took lots of awesome pictures, I’ll work on them, have them developed and put into an album for them as their gift.

It was so good to see my brother’s again. They are truly hilarious and I love to hang out with them. I think having brothers is why I get along with guys better than girls. Girls are so catty and they take the slightest offense to the things I say. Guys just roll with it and are so much more laid back.

We stayed at the Super 8 and played at the waterslide and pool. It was sooooooo much fun! We asked for a later check out and just played hard for 3 hours. I LOVE going to waterslide places like the hotels cuz you can go backwards, on your knees, anyway you want and there’s no one there telling you what to do. It was just a blast! I kept getting water in my brain and it just killed. So my fav. way to go down the slide was backwards on my back. I want one of these in my house. The kids laughed, splashed and goofed around. I was in the middle of the pool and Ryan was coming down the with boys. I turned to get out of the way and Laura pushes me into the middle again saying, “go meet daddy!”. I almost got drowned by Ryan’s huge splash with the boys. We did trains down the slide where 3 - 5 people would slide down at once. It was hilarious. So much fun! I love staying at the Super 8 with the waterslide! We’ll definitely go back.

We had 2 rooms so the kids stayed up until 3am watching cartoons, having pillow fights and goofing around. I was so exhausted cuz for the past 3 days leading up to this wedding, I’ve only been getting 3 hours sleep each night. I just crashed. Thankfully no one complained about the kids goofing around.

On the way home we stopped to say goodbye to my brothers, my mother and all the relatives. I was so glad to be leaving that town. It is such a hole. No wonder I was dying to leave and get out of there as soon as I could when I was younger. I was getting cabin fever from that town and I was only there for 2 days.

We stopped at my old farm where I grew up. The road is grown in with tall grass and the tress are growing so close to the road. No one lives there anymore, it’s just a tree farm and all the buildings have been torn down. A load of memories washed over me as I looked at the pond. I would always sit by the pond, dream, write, play with the frog eggs, play with the cat tails and escape my mothers wrath at the pond. The clumps of trees that housed my fort still stood, I looked to see if I could see my fort, but I’m sure it had been knocked down by weather. The farm looked deserted and ghost like. Nothing was the same except for the trees. I really wished I could just get out and walk around, surrounded by the silence of the wind rustling through the leaves.

After that we stopped off at my elementary school and Jr. High. Again a rush of memories came flying back. I had THE BEST playground as a kid. Looking at all the old tires that were buried in the ground that we were able to play with was nostalgic. The only thing that was taken down was the tire swings, everything else was still in it’s place with new equipment added as well. My kids had a blast playing on everything. I took Laura around the school and explained the classrooms to her. Oh my gosh, they still had the old shuffle board table we’d play on during lunch time and the same old couches we had in the library.

The grass was cut and it just closed my eyes, listened to the wind rustling the leaves of the trees. I smelled the heat from the grass, heard the grasshoppers chirping and remembered the heat I felt in my lungs from running cross country. I looked fondly at the path that I churned up when I was younger. I always came in first among the girls and was usually 2nd in from our entire class. I could never catch Chad who was always in front of me when we raced. I remembered the wonderful feeling of my lungs burning from heat, the unquenchable thirst and my legs burning from all the acid flowing through my legs. The runners high is always fabulous.

I remembered feeling antsy and wanting to leave this little 2 bit town and school. Wanting to go to the big city where the possibilities seemed endless, full of life and excitement. I thought back to all my dreams and hopes and visions of what I wanted the future to be. Then I just shook my head my stupidity…. more like naivety of a sad little girl.

“I often miss this little girl whose dreams had no barriers… who believed in a world where anything is possible with a heart that was full and unbroken.”

hmm… too true. I do miss her…. a lot. I hate being grown up.

I’m taking these Empower vitamins through True Hope and they are seriously the only thing that is saving my marriage. Crazy, but very true. I find that when I come off them I know they are wearing off when I start to pick fights with Ryan and I begin to hate him. Odd, yet very true. If I take them for too long I begin to stay up a night because too much stays in my system and I can’t sleep. I need to figure out the proper dosage.

Right now I’ve been off them for a few days and I’m getting extremely irritable and I really am beginning to hate him again. It just drives me nuts that whenever his father calls, he gets up and go does whatever his dad wants. When I ask him to do stuff he just ignores me…. or just tells me what I want to hear so I’ll shut up, then continue his merry way of doing nothing.

I hate being married. Really. Maybe I should fix that statement. I hate being married to HIM.

We’ve turned into one of those couples that live together and tolerate each other for the kids sake I think. He does his thing, I do my thing, we don’t see each other much and if we do it’s dull and boring. Communication consists of what the kids are up to. It annoys me that he gets up so early to go work out, then comes home exhausted after work and goes straight to bed. He rarely pays any attention to me or the kids. I think he doesn’t like being home, he gets up and leaves the house for hours on end. He’s been working out like crazy and he looks great. He’s been tanning, going to yoga and working out like a dog. He’s also been shaving his body hair as well. My friend who has gone through divorce and the whole, ‘guy cheating on her’ thing is quite leery. She’s suspicious and says that I should be more aware and not so trusting. I do feel a little nagging voice, but Ryan’s such a charmer. He can talk his way out of everything. Of course I’ve already confronted him, but he’s saying it’s all for me. Right. And what about the past 15 years? I dunno. I don’t want to discourage him from working out. I do wonder what he does when he leaves for hours when he isn’t working. He’s always got some sort of valid excuse. Whatever. I just don’t even care anymore what he does. I’ve begged him to spend time with the kids and hang out with us, but unless it’s a forced vacation he’s too busy working out or working.

I don’t wait for him anymore to do things. The kids and I just go out without him. Out of courtesy I will call him and tell him what we’re doing and if he wants he can join us, but he’s always too busy. I’ve stopped doing anything for him. I no longer cook for him or do his laundry or clean up. I’ve given up. I’m just biding my time. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of asking him to do things. I’ve just started to do them myself.

I’m wondering if it’s bad that I really liked being away from Ryan so much. Every time he goes away, I just breathe a sigh of relief. He drives me nuts and I really hate living with him. I wish we could live in separate houses. I’m sure he wishes the same thing. Marriage sucks. It really does. I’m sure once I’m on my vitamins again I’ll change my tune, but right now I’m so annoyed at him.

The kids and I camped at Sandy McNab for 3 days and it was the best 3 days ever! We had so much fun! I wasn’t stressed, or angry or irritated or frustrated at all. I was blissfully happy. The kids and I just went and did whatever we wanted. It was so great! I just loved it.

I’ve been writing in a journal when I go camping. I love to sit amongst the trees, the river, bask in the sun and warmth of the day and just write. It’s so peaceful and serene camping in the mountains in Kananaskis. I love nature so much. Cities drive me crazy. It’s too chaotic for my brain.

I got to see a female deer while camping. We were able to get up to 6ft away from her before the boys screamed and ran after her. Then she bolted out of there. Ridiculous kids. I was so irked. I love Sandy McNab because the campsites are far away from each other, there was hardly anyone there, so the kids and the dog ran out and played in the trees. It was fantastic! It was so relaxing, so low stress and so beautiful. I think I’ll go back again in the middle of August.

We went surfing today… I’m a freakn’ NATURAL…. I got up 8 times on the board! I only fell of 4 times. Ryan I think got up on his board once… hahahaha… I rawk… seriously I’m awesome!… not to brag, but I’m really good at surfing.

Got a little sunburned on my legs today… put sunscreen everywhere except my legs… duh, I’m such a goof. Great. So it hurts to sit cuz I was laying on a board all day long and my backside kills.

Yesterday we went to the international market place. I finally got a lei!!! They smell amazing. We bought some souvenirs for the kids. I bought a beach bag because it’s the only way I can get Ryan to carry my purse. We had lunch at a place called Duke’s. It’s really good. There were pigeons everywhere.. how funny is that! We booked our polynesian cultural centre tour, booked the lotus, booked scuba diving, went to beach and swam a bit, watched the sunset, finished the day off with my fav. Starbucks.

We wandered around yesterday and just hung out. Nothing major,but it was nice just to relax and just be.

Today, surfing and sunset cruise.
Tomorrow Diamond Head Hike, Tuesday and Wednesday Scuba diving.
Thursday polynesian cultural centre
Friday Hawaiian Food Tour
Sat: Pear Harbor, snorkeling in Hanuma bay.
Sun. I’m hoping to go parasailing or in a glider plane or both
Monday, surfing and home.

It’s been very relaxing and I’m having a blast…

Having a great time. After the whole Our hotel is ok… still miffed over the price I had to pay over this hotel. Still don’t think that it is worth the $1500 I paid when I could have gotten another hotel with the same star rating, more free stuff for $1000. Booked through hotwire… and I don’t think I’m going to do that again, because I can’t change it. I’m still miffed that I have to pay $1 whenever I want to make a call. Sheesh. They put us at the very, very top floor and it’s nice. Not a 4 star, it’s a 3 star but we are beside the Sheraton hotel. I’ll live…

LOL… I’m in the apple store lovin’ this new laptop!!! So fabulous! I’m going to buy one I think.

Went to Danaku restaurant… had THE best food! Amazing… never had such amazing food! Spicy duck salad, sushi and tempura brownie…. flavors just made my mouth go ohh laa laa!!

We’ve booked scuba lessons! We are getting certified out here! We are doing surfing lessons and we are renting a lotus car to drive!!! So much fun! This is a huge city. I think I imagined just beaches and palm tress, but there are a lot of people here and it’s like I’m in a downtown city… but better.

We watched this parade this morning… Calgary stampede parade is waaaay better, but hey I loved it cuz it was free and I like watching marching bands.

We are off to explore the island of Waikiki…

Mothernature is totally going through PMS. Our weather this year is totally screwy. It going to snow on Saturday… Ya… snow. In June… although I guess it’s snowed in July before so I shouldn’t be surprised. ;(

I’m so sick of yucky weather. I was lovin’ the +23, +25 we were having. I just love going out, facing the sun and standing in it with my eyes closed letting the sun bask all around me, warming me with its rays. In the morning I get up, open the door to the deck and curl up on a chair drinking my orange juice, listening to the morning sounds….. of freakn’ TRAFFIC…. Grrrr…. I need to move. I hate living behind this busy road. It blows goats. This summer I’m hitting a beach or a lake and I’m going to just sit on the sand or grass listening to the waves lap up on shore.

So I’m going…. I think… I keep changing my mind back and forth constantly…. I’m farming out the kids to friends and relatives and I’ve got my money to go, but the ball and chain is guilting me to stay. I’m pissed. He always ruins things for me. Instead of being excited with me and helping me plan stuff out, everything is always left up to me to plan everything. It drives me nuts. I really want input, but he just doesn’t care. He just goes along for the ride and shows up expecting me to take care of all the details. Seriously, it’s frustrating and pisses me off… I’m so stressed, my hair is turning white from the tips to roots again cuz I’ve got so much stress built up inside of me. *ugh*

This is what chaps my butt…. last year when I was booking these tickets, I asked for input as to when he wanted to go. He didn’t care. So I went ahead and decided to go on a solo trip to Hawaii in June and take him to go to NY in September. I picked June cuz the kids would be still in school and it would be before summer so it wouldn’t interfere with any camping plans and whoever watched the kids could watch them without having to have them around 24/7 cuz they would be in school. I also wanted to do a solo trip there. It seems like a place you can do lots of adrenaline junkie stuff and I am all over that. So then in Feb, the ball and chain get into a big scrap and he wants to come along with me. He thinks I’m off to have some sort of sordid affair with some hot Hawaiian… HA! Stupid, but whatever. The only affair I’d have is with Tom Welling, cuz he’s my sexception. Anyway, so then he convinces me to let him come by telling me he’s going to pay for the entire trip if I let him. He’s speaking my language of money so I say ok.

Now that June is upon us, he’s find every excuse in the book NOT to go. So I just told him he doesn’t have to come, I’ll cancel his ticket and I’ll go by myself. I’m ok to do that. In fact that’s an adventure I want…. so then he sees how hell bent on going I am and he then says he’s coming. Drives me nuts. In the mean time though he’s playing his stupid passive aggressive crap and being manipulative by listing all the reasons why we shouldn’t go and making me feel guilty.

Like:
1. Luke will have a hard time with us gone. We’ve never been away from the kids for 10 days before.
2. Who’s going to watch the kids - - I already solved this one. I’ve split my kids up and farmed them out.
3. It’s his busy season and he really can’t take time off from work because they need him.- I asked him in the beginning when I was booking the tickets… I can’t switch them because flights are too expensive now.
4. He wants to put our trips to NY and Hawaii towards Disneyland for Christmas.
5. He doesn’t think we should travel without the kids.
6. We’d miss the annual parade in the town and the meat sale we always go to.

I’m so frustrated. Thankfully, my friend Shauna is telling me not to listen to him and tell me that if I don’t go, she’ll kick my arse. So I’m going to go…. cuz she’d really do it and I’d never hear the end of it from her… hehe…

Thank goodness for her. We are so much alike in our personalities, yet different in some ways that we get along great. I convinced her not to marry her loser fiance who is just using her for $$$ and he was too much like Ryan. I told her not to waste her time cuz she would just be miserable for the rest of her life and if he’s not making her happy NOW, he definitely not going to make her happy when they are married. It just gets worse because guys think they don’t have to try anymore after they get married.

“Do you want to be miserable like me? ” I asked her? “NO!” I answered for her. I told her that it would be the hardest thing to do, but that I’m saving her from divorce #2. He’s not her match. I told her that the day I got married I didn’t want to get married and I felt this sense of dread and doom on my wedding day… MY WEDDING DAY…. suppose to be the happiest time of my life and I felt like I was going to my death. May sound dramatic, but that’s how I felt. Now she’s feeling dread as well… and if she feels dread BEFORE the marriage, it is just not meant to be. So after spending the evening convincing her out of this relationship, she saw the vision and has given him the boot. I just understood everything she was going through and how she was feeling. Thankfully, she had someone to give her a shake and not let her go through with it. I didn’t have that someone to talk some sense into me. I wish I did. Ah well….. Now I’m just ranting.

I had a crazy dream last night that I was married to someone else. Ryan had died and I was with someone else. I saw his face. He was so freakn’ cute. I didn’t know his name, but I just remember feeling so happy and free. I still had all the kids and he was a great guy to the kids. He looked like a football player, wide chest, big arms. He wrapped his arms around me and I just felt so much love for him. Weird, cuz I really keep my emotions close to me. We were laughing. Over what, I don’t remember. Just that I was blissfully happy at that moment. It’s nutty what your brain thinks up, huh…. Whatever… just a stupid dream.

I’m also frustrated cuz I haven’t ridden my bike lots in the past few days. It’s been so nice, but I’ve been so busy, doing laundry, cleaning up, packing and trying to get ready for Hawaii so it’s not just a last minute pack like I did to Vegas where I just threw everything in a suitcase because I didn’t have time to plan it all out. I need to pack all 5 kids and the dog for 10 days at someone else’s house. Yikes. I feel stress just thinking about it. It’s all good. Things will work out…

Brief tales of Luke… my 2 1/2 year old… patience is a virtue, although I understand why animals eat their young.

1. Climbing onto the roof
2. Poo - everywhere… in the bathroom, the carpet, the halls.
3. Diaper off every hour. Racing around naked constantly
4. Turning the bath water on to hot.
5. empty entire jug of water on kitchen floor.
6. Thin mist of Pam spray everywhere
7. Luke took off 3 times down the road. Fireman brought him back 2x. Neighbor lady said he was playing at the park and brought him back.
8. Dumped 3 jugs of 11L of water on the floor.
9. Permanent marker on the walls and hardwood floors
10. waffle batter mix on the kitten, himself and the deck
11. entire roll of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor and in the toilet.
12. running downstairs naked just as people are at my door.
13. Spilling the entire contents of a full tub onto the bathroom floor.
14. making the tub into a slip n’ slide using all the shampoo in the bathroom.
15. tormenting the puppy, kitten and cat
16. throwing toys, books and everything all over the house…. basically destroying the house every chance he gets.

I’ve put Josh in football, hoping to get him loving a sport, build his self esteem and toughen him up a bit. It’s been up and down. One minute he’s loving it, the next he’s not. He’s very, very fast. He’s one of the quickest kids out there on the field. They were doing time trials on sprints and line work and he got the fastest times.

He’s also one of the smallest. He hates being tackled. Which I told him if he doesn’t want to get tackled, then he needs to run fast and avoid the other players so he can make a touchdown at the end of the field. Although yesterday he recovered a fumble and got dog piled on. He didn’t mind it he said later. LOL…

He’s a great kid, so sensitive, very funny and so sweet. Maybe I’m just a softy, but when he cries I just feel so freakn’ bad cuz there’s nothing I can do to protect his feelings except to give him a hug, tell him I love him and that he’s a great kid.

He really wants to go into baseball so I’m going to find him a baseball camp he can go into in the summer. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have so many kids so I could really focus all my energies on 1 or 2 kids at a time. It costs so much money to put 5 kids into sports and various activities….

That is the state of my mind constantly. I at least know why… I got an ADD magazine and it’s so great knowing that I’m not the only one who is a little chaotic in the brain. The magazine is called “ADDITUDE”. It’s such a great magazine. Only 4 issues a year for $20 but when I opened it, all the articles were like meant for me. Like, how to be more organized, pay attention tips, what kind of purse to have, if you should tell your boss you have ADD, hyper focusing, etc. It was just jam packed full of stuff that I wonder and question as well. I just loved it.

Heh. I have a bunch of posts that are 1/2 started, but not finished. I’m so busy, but have no time to really write anything. So I’m going to try to do mini posts each day. TRY being the operative word here.

This video is so touching and just incredible. Even after people mocked her she puts forth a show stopping performance with her amazing voice and wins over the crowd and judges. Truly inspiring. Never stop dreaming. Never stop trying to live your dream. Dreams do come true with hard work and effort. Everyone just needs a chance.

Watch it. It’s fun and full of spunk. She’s my new hero.

Indy after Indiana Jones and the Indy 500.

We got a purebred Golden Retriever Puppy. It’s from the show line so they are calm and not psycho like the field GR. He is absolutely beautiful and I just adore him. I’ve loved GR my entire life. I grew up with one and when it was taken away from me so tragically I vowed that one day I would have another one. He’s such a good puppy and I love him to bits. I spoil him rotten and he is so well behaved. Look at that face. It’s just sooooooo cute!

I can’t wait to be able to go out and take him with me on my runs in the morning.

I wanted to get Laura a kitten and a puppy for her birthday on March 18. I managed to get a pregnant cat, whoo hoo! Who gave birth to 5 kittens on March 20, 2009.

On Laura’s birthday, Ryan and I packed up the kids drove out to Airdrie to pick up a kennel. When we were loading the kennel into the Sequoia Mya looks at it and says, “What’s that for?”

“It’s your new bed. What do you think?” I said with a grin on my face teasing her.

She began to pout. “But I don’t want to sleep in there! I don’t want that bed.”

“Ok, then who should we use it for?” I asked her.

Without hesitating she says, “Brandon.” Then giggles in her evil way. HA! I roared laughing.

“Ok, then it is for Brandon. Sit down and wipe away your tears.” She was very happy that Brandon was going to be locked up in the kennel. Those 2 have such a feud going on between the 2 of them.

After blowing off all the questions from the kids as to what it was for we continued our drive out to Bowden and went to a farm. When we entered their small trailer I said to Laura, “ok, see all these 6 puppies? Well, for your second gift for your birthday, you get to pick any puppy you want.”

The look on her face was just priceless. She didn’t believe me at first.

“Really? Ya, right.” She scoffed at me.

“No really. Let’s ask daddy.”

So we went over to Ryan and asked, “Can Laura have any puppy she wants?”

“Yep, Happy Birthday sweetie!” He gave her a huge grin.

She instantly got tears in her eyes and her face crumpled in surprise, shock and happiness.

It was the best reaction ever. We played with all the pups for an hour and finally she chose this one. He was very calm and relaxed… we really need that in our family.

So we paid $350, got all his papers, and loaded him up for the trip home. I held him in my arms and snuggled him the whole way home. I just adore that puppy.

He’s such a good dog. Very smart, listens well and is so, so uber cute.

We now have 5 kids, 1 dog, 1 cat and 5 kittens. Oh happy day! We are now officially a zoo!

Mya’s eyes grow big as a saucer and her face instantly clouds.

“Mom! Brandon took my fork! Give me back my fork you steeler! Mom, Brandon is a steeler!” She shrieks.

“Brandon give Mya’s fork back.”

Brandon just shrugs and tosses the fork at Mya.

“Brandon also took my chair!” She wails.

“Mya, just go get another chair,” I sigh.

Her mouth forms an o and she looks at me in disgust. “AH!” She humph’s and stares at me, then turns to glare at Brandon as she storms off to get her chair.

Laura and I just crack up laughing. Mya is just such a character.

*************
Mya comes bounding up to me.

“Mom, I’ve got something for you!” She pipes up.

“What is it?” I ask her wearily.

She then throws her arms around me and simply says, “A hug.”

She seems to do this when she knows that I’m grumpy and just sitting there sullenly. She’s so sweet.

*****************

I’ve never had an operation before, never taken drugs, never been drunk or smoked in my entire life. I’ve never been under a general anesthetic before and boy, what a crazy trip it is. I came out of the operation fine, but my body was like a rag doll. My head was rolling about, I was slurring my words, mumbling and talking really quiet. Normally it only takes the "normal" person a couple of hours to come out of an operation under a general, but not me. It took me a good 6 hours. The doctor was quite worried and the nurse called me "weird." 

 Phft… nice. I KNOW I’m weird. I’ve had 5 kids, no stretch marks and my body zaps down to the way it looked in high school. My body is weird. I now know that drugs affect my body really crazy like. It just puts me right out. Ryan loves the T3’s. I think he’s going to give some to me every night just to calm me down and make me sleep. He gave me 2 T3’s and I’m instantly out within 2 min and I sleep for 6 hours. I don’t remember anything, I just zonk out. Every now and then I try to wake myself up, but my body is so heavily drugged I can’t seem to keep my eyes open. Everything is hazy for 2 days as Ryan religiously follows the prescribed doctors orders on how much drugs to keep me on. 

I go see the Doctor again for a check up and I’m still a rag doll. The doc is still very worried and tells Ryan to only give me one T3 because he can’t even get a proper response out of me. The surgery went well and everything will be fine.

I must sound different on the phone as well because everyone I talked to was asking me if I was ok, what the matter was and if I was just in surgery. Huh? How did they know? I would just blow it off and try to get my regular voice back, but I guess my loud, obnoxious, crazy voice wouldn’t appear. Instead it was a sedated, quiet, small voice. Whatever. I’ve stopped talking to people on the phone, I hate the nagging questions. I know people are just concerned, but I’ll be fine. I’m superwoman, nothing can hold me down.

Ryan has been getting the house in ship shape, making the kids work like it was a work factory… all work, no play. The house looks great and I just sleep. I have waking moments, but mostly I’m in a fog. I wish I can hurry up and recover already. I hate being sick and I hate having to slow down. I wish my body would hurry up already.  I’m itching to ride my bike. It’s all paid for and it’s just sitting at the dealers. I figure I’ll let it sit there instead of having to pay insurance on it for a month that I don’t drive it. I’ll hopefully pick it up by Mother’s Day.  

In the mean time I exist on smoothies and T3’s until my body heals itself. I’m rather annoyed I didn’t have a near death experience. I was kind of hoping I would die and they would bring me back, give me a quick peek into the other side…. but alas, no… I’m sure the doctors thought I was very odd as that was one of the questions that came out of my mouth as there were trying to wake me up…

"Did I die on the operating table?"

"No" 

"Hmph… too bad. How did it go? Everything go ok? You didn’t have to bring me back to life?" 

"Everything went very well and no we didn’t have to bring you back to life."

I think I must have asked that question 5 times as I was trying to wake up.

My response each time was, "oh…. too bad."

As I was heading into surgery I was pissed at Ryan because he made me late. He insisted on going to the gym in the morning and I told him he didn’t have time. We were 30 min. late. I was furious because he didn’t listen to me. I hissed at him as they lead me away, "if I see the light, I’m heading towards it and I’m NOT coming BACK!!!! You’re on your own!" I growled.

LOL… nice. Nice way to say goodbye to someone. Sheesh, I’m such a freakn’ nut. I don’t know why he puts up with me at times. 

Unfortunately or Fortunately… depending on how you look at it, I didn’t die. I guess it’s just not my time yet. One day it will be. Hopefully, I’ll be a bit nicer on my way out. 

Mya: Josh it is inappropriate to eat with your fingers.

 *******

Mya: Mom, I’ve decided to change my name.

Me: Oh ya?

Mya: Yep

Me: What’ your new name?

Mya: Raven

Me: Raven huh?  (I’m trying so hard not to laugh.) ok Raven. How are you Raven? What’s shaking Raven? What’s new in the zoo Raven? What are you up to Raven?

Mya: Mom, quit making fun of my new name. 

 ******

I really don’t like Superman Returns the movie, because I think the writers and director really screwed up what could have been fantastic. Stupid story line…. Superman knocks up Lois Lane? Really? So dumb… Lois was horrible. She sucked raw eggs. The Supes they choose was even worse. Tom Welling is my only superman and I can only see him playing the role. The only good thing about that show was Lex Luthor played by Kevin Spacey. That man is a genius! Loved his performance. 

Anyway, Ryan bought the movie to play while driving and because he’s on this, "I’m gonna buy any stupid movie" kick right now. So the kids are watching the show and every single time Superman comes into view Luke, the 2 1/2 year old screams out, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! Superman!!!!!! YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Superman!!!" And he screams and giggles and claps. It just makes that movie bearable. We all just laugh at his reaction to seeing Superman come on screen.  

Really truly, that’s how I feel when Tom Welling appears on screen in Smallville. "Yeaaaahhh!!!! Tom!!!"

***********

Anytime I am not feeling good or if I’m grumpy, Josh will always come up to me and give me a hug. He is such a sweet boy. He is my most sensitive child and I just adore him.

**********

My kids have said so many other things that have cracked me up, but unfortunately I didn’t write them down fast enough and my brain is getting Alzheimer’s really bad. 

Teardrops on my guitar by Taylor Swift.

1. I’m not a peace maker…. I’m a chaos maker. I’m all about making love AND war.

2. My favorite colors are red, black and white.

3. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new shiny red Kawasaki Ninja 250R motorcycle and my Dainese outfit. I can’t wait to ride that gorgeous machine! Spring can’t get here soon enough for me.

4. When I was 1 1/2 I so badly wanted a horse. I used my German Sheppard dog, “Jumbo” as my horse. He didn’t like playing horsey with me. I thought he was a magnificent horse cuz he was so big compared to me. To finally get through to me that he didn’t like to play this game with me, he bit me on my face and just missed my eye by millimeters. I got 30 stitches on the side of my left temple, but I got ice cream after. Whoo hoo! When we got back to the farm, my dad shot the dog in front of me. Not so whoo hoo. To this day, I can still close my eyes and see every moment happen in full color from beginning to end.

5. I think all roads are my personal race track and I always ‘race’ against other vehicles whether they are aware of it or not.

6. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to puddle splash in any vehicle. My goal is to try to go over a puddle fast enough so the wave goes right over my van. I’m very accomplished at this.

7. There are ’some’ people who refuse to drive with me…. although I don’t know why. I think I’m a great driver… obviously they don’t like seeing their life flash before their eyes… whatever.

8. I have foot in mouth syndrome and a bad case of verbal diarrhea. I’m very blunt and lots of people can’t handle the stuff that spews from my mouth. I am working on this. If I just stare at you without saying anything, it’s because I’m trying to stop myself from saying something that will make you curl up in fetus position and cry.

9. My goal is to travel to every single country in my lifetime at least once. Then to travel to all the various regions in each country as well.

10. Things I want to do in the next 2 years: drive a team of sled dogs (preferably in Alaska, but Banff will do), go ice climbing, go para sailing in Hawaii, go see a volcano, go underwater diving and explore the underwater world, go hang gliding again, go para gliding, go 4x4ing, ride in a helicopter, go in a aerobatic glider, go deep sea fishing, go in a shark cage, do indoor skydiving, feed crocodiles, swim with dolphins, go to a Broadway play in NY, kayak in the ocean, repel down a waterfall, go Zorbing in New Zealand, go to Disney World, go Mountain biking down Mount 7, go to a shooting range, play outdoor paintball, race motorcycles, go see a Grand Prix race, go watch a Moto GP race, try river surfing, fly in a jet plane, etc.

11. Things I want to do in the next 5 years: buy a snowmobile, buy a dirt bike, go to a play in London, go to the Sydney Opera house, go to Europe and Australia.

12. I am very impatient and hate waiting… but I am always late and people are usually always waiting for me.

13. I am an adrenaline junkie. Anything that has warnings about something that can kill me or severely injure me, I’m sooooo excited to try it! My new moto is: It’s not worth doing, if you’re not completely stressed out about it.

14. I hate having my hair pulled. I have a low pain tolerance.

15. I am a hypochondriac. If I watch the news and they talk about a disease, I’m always sure I have it. I do however, resist the temptation to book an appointment with my doctor… I just google it and stress over it for a week. I just don’t watch the news anymore.

16. I am claustrophobic in water. Especially the ocean. I can swim, I just don’t like it when I can’t touch the bottom. I have to concentrate and focus really hard to calm myself down and not spaz out in the water when I am too deep. I blame friends who always felt the need to dunk me in the pool as a kid…. that and I hate eels, snakes and reptiles.

17. I want to be Darth Vader, but I’m kinda glad I’m not cuz I probably would have killed or injured everyone I know at one point or another. Yes, I have dark, evil thoughts.

18. When I was little I always wanted to be a police officer because I wanted to pack a gun, shoot things and drive like a lunatic in my car. Then I got my car and realized I could drive like a lunatic and do crazy turns in my car without having to be a cop. I also played paintball and realized I could shoot people without having them die on me and having to fill out mounds of paper work about it…. So now I’ve curbed the desire to be a cop.

19. I’m half Filipino and half German. I can only speak English and a little French. My dad was 63 when he conceived me. My mom was 27. I have a step brother who is older than my mom… by 5 years. I have 2 brothers who are my actually my cousins.

20. I’m ADD and I’m a manic depressive. I only realized that I was ADD in 2008 when someone asked me if I was. So I googled it. It listed 18 symptoms, I was all 18. I do wish someone would have informed me of this sooner.

21. I love going to art galleries and looking at any kind of art. I like looking at art that’s all crazy looking, I don’t know what they call it, but the stuff where they splatter paint on a canvas and make some ridiculous story about uniting a country or some mumbo jumbo and some retard buys into it and pays a stupid amount of money for paint splatter…. makes me want to be an artist and find a retard. I hear the Canadian gov. is full of them since they bought one of those paintings.

22. I want to fly. I want to get my pilots license and one day I want to fly my own plane. I want to do acrobatics and swoops in the air.

23. When I was a teenager I shot myself in the hand with a BB gun because I wanted to know how it would feel to get shot…. yep, it hurts.

24. I get sick once or twice a year and it’s usually in December because I hate Christmas so much. I blame the wise men for the ridiculous tradition of gift giving. I also blame commercialism and advertising. Out of all the holidays in the year, I hate Valentines day and my birthday. I hate Christmas the most.

25. I will publish the kids book I’ve written once I find an illustrator and figure out how to go about publishing something like that.

I think Taylor Swift is just gorgeous and a great song writer. I really like, “Love Story.”

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys’ side of the story.
( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)
We always hear From the female side.
‘ the rules’
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are the male rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered ‘1 ‘
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

From: Men all over the world.

*******************
Hilarious! I loved these! I think this is so true.

The alarm screeched at me way too early on Thursday morning at 5:30am. I instantly sprang out of bed, because despite the fact that I didn’t crawl into bed until 12:30am, my adrenaline kicked up and I was flying around getting ready for a fabulous day of fun!

My daughter’s Grade 5 class was going to skiing. I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to snowboard. I signed up for group and private lessons, I am determined to learn this sport if it kills me. We had to be at the school at 6:20am. We arrived at 6:18am. I was so freakn’ proud of myself that I was on time for once in my life.

I boarded the bus happily because I knew I could sleep on the way down. My body was protesting and grumbling because I had gotten so little sleep. I sat down beside a lady who used to be my friend until I pissed her off and hurt her feelings over something I said. Since she has never told me exactly what I said or did that pissed me off and she is civil with me but refuses to be my close friend. I did offer a blanket apology over hurting her feelings, but if she’s going to act all stupid like women do and not tell me exactly what I did, it’s kinda hard to be more specific on my apology.

I really hate women. They suck. I don’t get along with the majority of them because they are so freakn’ sensitive. May seem bitchy, but I don’t have time for people who take offense at the stupid things I say or do. I’m very upfront and blunt with people if they annoy me or piss me off. She had done both so I told her to not act like a child and not ruin my party. I suppose I should have handled the situation better, but I’ve cut ties with anyone who can’t talk to me like an adult. I refuse to walk on egg shells around anyone, if anyone has a problem with my behavior, frankly I don’t give a damn. They either learn to adjust to my craziness or they stop being my friend.

So after a superficial conversation with her, I was falling asleep listening to her babble. I was only half listening and my ‘uh huh’s’ were starting to drawl. I cuddled into my blanket, put my knees on the seat in front of me and fell asleep. I was sitting on the outside and did not have a very restful sleep nor did I fall asleep into a deep sleep. Just one of those annoying light ones.

We arrived at the hill, I helped Laura get all her gear and made sure she made it to her lessons. I reminded her to have fun. Ryan bribed her and gave her $50 to go skiing. Ridiculous, but it worked, she was there. I was really hoping that the day would be great for her, she’d learn more and enjoy herself.

The day was beautiful. The mountains were all around us and the weather was very nice. I had dressed in 5 layers, expecting it to be -13C, but surprisingly it felt like +2C. The sun peeked out from behind the clouds and stayed around for the entire day.

My group lesson sucked. I didn’t learn anything new until the last run down. He was teaching us how to link our turns. We practiced it once, then the lesson was over. So stupid. We spent most of the time waiting to go on the magic carpet. We did a total of 5 runs down the little bunny hill. I was so pissed. If I would have known it would suck rotten eggs that badly I would have just gotten myself private lessons for the morning as well.

Grumbly over the fact that I didn’t learn anything new I went to grab something to eat from the cafeteria. After paying way to much for a gross turkey sandwich ($11) and m&m’s I sat by a couple other friends who were parent supervisors as well. I sat with them instead of the lady I sat with on the bus cuz I knew I could talk trash with them and they would laugh at my sarcasm. After eating 1/2 of the revolting sandwich that tasted like cardboard I chased it down with lots of water and got all my stuff ready to go out on the hill again. They invited the lady over after a few stares from her to our table. They didn’t like her all that much either, but they felt the need to include her. How nice. I was off to snowboard so I didn’t care what they did. As she comes over she shoots me a dirty look. Good frackn’ grief. I really hate immature women. Psycho, is all I could think as I tossed on my helmet and quickly retreated outside.

I stuck to the green circles because I still hadn’t figured out how to link my turns… let alone turn where I wanted to go. I could go down the hill, but just on the heel or toe edge.

I boarded for an hour, falling on my arse at least 2 times down the hill each time I went down. At 1pm I sauntered over to the private lesson area, met my instructor and we were off to the hill I was going down. Horray, no bunny hill for me now!

He was from New Zealand and just so uber nice. Patience of Job that guy. He was an amazing snowboarder. He would hold my hands as I was going down backwards on the hill and he talk me through turns. He had to catch me a few times. He was really supportive, encouraging and so nice. I would be killing myself laughing everytime I kissed it. He would come over all worried and concerned I was hurt. It amused me greatly. I was always fine each time. I was learning so much and he was helping me improve very quickly.

The funniest part of the day was when we were coming down the hill and there’s a part where there’s a sharp 90 degree corner with a wood fence that blocks it off so you don’t go crashing down to the trail down below. HA! Well, I come flying down the hill and head straight for the wood. I was trying so hard to turn my knee, my body and my head to look at the opposite direction I was heading, but to no avail. I couldn’t turn. I smoked into the fence. There were wide slots in the fence and I tried to grab onto the fence to stop myself from going through, but my board kept going so I just let go and just went from the fence to the other trail on the other side. Everyone on the chair lift was howling with laughter over the antics they just witnessed. I just fell on my butt to stop my decent any further. I stood up, turned to the people on the chair lift and flexed my muscles at them grinning and laughing. I bowed. I was so proud of my stunt.

My instructor follows me thorugh the fence and his face is full of concern. After a flood of ‘Are you ok? Are you hurt?”, he relaxes a bit.

“Geez, I thought I had to call ski patrol up here to take you down the hill cuz one of my students hurt themselves. I’m glad you’re ok.” He sighs in relief.

I’m howling with laughter over my stupidness. After reassuring him a bunch more times that nothing was broken and I was fine, I ask him what I did wrong. He explains what I did. He explains what I need to do and then he grabs my hands to make sure I don’t go flying into the trees right beside us as we make our way down the hill. When he let go, I flew down the hill and made 3 perfect links until I came to a controlled stop where he told me to. I was so proud of myself. After that I was going down the hill linking my turns. He was overjoyed over my progress and so was I.

I’m never, ever going to do group lessons ever again. Private lessons are the only way to go and I don’t care how much it costs, I’m always doing private lessons no matter what I decide to learn. I just absorbed everything he said. When I crashed I would ask him what I did wrong. He was very patient and would explain what I did, why I crashed and how to avoid making the same mistake next time. The lesson lasted for 1 1/2 and it seemed to fly by. After the lesson I had only 30 min before I had to head back to the lodge and back to the bus.

On the bus I managed to score 2 seats all to myself. I was exhausted. I curled up on the two seats, snuggled into my blanket and was out like a light in 5 seconds. I awoke once we got back to school.

Fabulous. Just a fabulous day! I asked Laura if she had fun skiing with her friends. She said yes, but then began to down play it once I asked her to come to Sunshine with me on Monday. She didn’t want to go again. I just can’t figure that girl out. She’s so odd. I tried to convince her of the fun, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with it, so I dropped it. After we got home, I dropped the kids off at Ryan’s work (it was 6:00pm) and took Laura into Calgary for a movie. We went to see Pink Panter 2. Hilarious. Stupid slapstick comedy. Steve Martin at his best. The stupid love story they injected didn’t piss me off like it normally would, maybe because I was so tired, but probably because I was constantly giggling at Martin’s funniness. He’s a comedy genius.

I’m excited for Monday! It’s going to be +8C, sunny, beautiful and perfect for snowboarding. It’s snowing now and will snow for the next 3 days straight. At least I have 3 days to get over the soreness. At least I’m not as sore as the first time I went snowboarding. I’m going to sign up for more lessons at Sunshine and just go have fun with my friend Shauna. She rocks! She can make me laugh like no one else can. She’s such a riot! It will be a blast snowboarding with her, her son and Josh.

I just hope to get over the soreness by then. Friday was a horrible day. I was cranky and very subdued on Friday because I was tired, sore and had forgotten about the kids Valentines day parities. Bleh. I ran around all day scrambling to do all the things that I should have done Thursday night. I took a nap at noon, but it didn’t help. I was still exhausted. I went to Ryan’s work and quietly did my work. The guys were all confused that the bubbly, crazy me wasn’t around. I wasn’t mean, just very subdued. It threw them for a loop. They kept asking me if I was ok. I told them I was tired, sore and cranky and to leave me alone so I can suffer in silence. They kept coming around to try to make me laugh. I would give them my polite smile or just say, ‘that’s funny.’ No hard belly laugh or craziness came from me today. They were so confused. Heh. I should have just stayed home. People are just beside themselves when I don’t act my bubbly self. It’s so frustrating for me. I should have stayed in bed and slept, but I wanted money so I came in. I need sleep. I hope I can sleep most of the day tomorrow.

Valentines Day is tomorrow. Bleh. I hate this holiday. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. It’s just going to blow just like every single year. Arg. Stupid lovey dovey holidays.

Josh turned 8 on Monday. Geez. Time just flies. It seemed just not too long ago I was in labor and making Ryan stop for gas on the way to the hospital so we didn’t have to go there on the way home. I don’t know why I was so determined to fill up the car before I had the baby, I just was. I arrived at the hospital at 8:00am, had Josh at 9:00am backwards on my knees on the bed with my midwives at the Peter Lougheed. Then 3 hours later, by noon I was home in my own and Ryan was making me blueberry pancakes, with whipping cream, bacon and scrambled eggs.

I hate the hospital and was so glad the midwives could release me from that horrid place.

Josh wanted to go to the Cheesecake cafe so we went for his birthday dinner as a family. We made them put us in the corner booth far away from any other customer. It was crazy as always, Luke kept sneaking out from under the table and running off around the restaurant, while we chased him up and down the aisles. The kids were goofing around and creating such a ruckus. I was so stressed and kept shushing them in vain.

Thankfully the food came and we were able to eat, so they were silent for a good 5 minutes. I lost my appetite because Luke kept on squirming and trying desperately to escape the booth. I can’t eat when I’m stressed, so I ate 3 bites of my food and the rest just sat there. It wasn’t that great anyway. We usually eat at restaurants that are at a higher caliber and quality than the Cheesecake, so this meal was something that I could easily make at home. If I can make it at home I get annoyed because when I go out, I want the chef to wow me. To have the presentation and flavors be absolutely divine. I wasn’t wowed. For the price we paid I think it was waaaay over priced.

Josh enjoyed himself and had a great time. We had his birthday party with his friends on Saturday Feb. 7. For his birthday party we took him and 6 friends to LaserTrek in Calgary. They had a blast playing for an hour. They had so much fun and gushed about it when they came out. We had pop, pizza and cake in the party room. We opened up gifts then went on our way to the movie theatre. I took them to see Tales of Despereaux. It was a great movie. One little boy had to go home because he has Lupus and started to get sick. His parents came and got him. After the movie we brought the boys back to our house and had them play for an hour until their parents came to pick them up.

I was so tired and was falling over because I only had an hour sleep. I was up on Friday at 7am, up all day doing laundry and cleaning the house, then I went to work at 5:00pm worked until 3:30pm.Got home at 4am. Had to clean the kitchen and the main floor all over again because Ryan didn’t get the kids to do their chores and made an absolute mess in the kitchen for dinner. I was so upset. It took me an hour to clean everything up again. I was fuming the entire time.

I made Josh a tank cake with 13 mini cupcakes around with army men on top of the mini cupcakes and 12 large cupcakes as well. It was great. I would like to have put more detail into the tank and camouflaged it more, but I was so tired. I wandered upstairs, Ryan was just waking up. It was 7:30am. I lay on top of Ryan, mumbling to him about how I was tired, how upset I was at him and once I get some sleep I was going to chew him out. He just cuddled me and exhausted I instantly fell into a deep sleep on top of him.

Next thing I knew Ryan was waking me up. It was an hour later and I had to get ready for the boys because they were arriving at 9:15am. I was so tired, I couldn’t even think straight, but I got up and got myself, the kids and everything ready to go into the van. I made it through the day and then fell asleep for 1 1/2 hr. until we had to go out for dinner with one of Ryan’s employees. It was a lot of fun. I had barely enough energy to make it through dinner. We went to 79 which is just a fabulous place to go for dinner. The place is in a house and it’s decked out all snazzy. I love going here. This is my kind of place to eat. The food is wonderful and the ambiance and company were fun.

After dinner we went out to go see Push at Chinook. It was ok. I fell asleep on the way home, stumbled in and fell asleep within 3 seconds once my head hit the pillow. I have never fallen asleep that fast before. It usually takes me 30 -45min to fall asleep, but this time I really needed it. Sunday, I awoke, went to church, came home and slept. I slept all day long. Got up for dinner, stayed up for 3 hours then went to bed again at 9pm. I was exhausted. Geez. Not getting enough sleep really effects me now. I used to be able to pull these 48 hours stints when I was in College all the time. Now… not so much. Hmm… must be getting old.

The ridiculous ball and chain is racking up my Credit Cards that I just got. I’m so pissed. After my gear goes through from Belgium I’m going to cancel it and get a new number. He has his dad’s number so he can just use that. Either that or I’ll give him my low credit card with a $500 limit on it. This way he can’t put $2000 on it without me knowing. He just thinks it’s hilarious that the roles have reversed and that I am worrying about money. I don’t appreciate that he feels the need to add to my stress. I already get stressed out so easily and I don’t handle stress very well. He knows that and yet, he’s just laughing about it. I’m so getting a new number, then not telling him what it is. He’s such a jackalope that at times I wish I was darth vader…

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time.

You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Since I have two answering machines I’ll put one on each machine.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven’t forgotten

**************

Roses are red booger’s are green please leave your message on this stupid machine.

I think they are very appropriate for this horrendous holiday of Valentines. I don’t like Valentines day either. Bleh.

The order I hate the holidays:

Christmas is the worst ever. I get physically ill in December because I hate it so much.
My birthday. I hate my birthday. Hate it to the core. Why? Cuz I never get to do what I want to do. It’s ridiculous to celebrate this.
Valentines Day - the ball and chain always fails miserably at this and I’m always the one that has to plan this day out. I’m sick of it. I hate flowers that die within a week. I always ask for a little rose bush plant so I can plant it in my garden in spring, but the request falls upon deaf ears as always.
Halloween is stressful cuz Ryan is never around so it’s up to me to get 5 kids ready to go out trick or treating. Since I’m usually disorganized when it comes to the kids it stresses me out and causes me a lot of grief and emotional turmoil.

I like Easter. I love Canada Day just cuz we always go to a parade out in Drumheller and just hang out at the splash park all day. Next are all the long weekends, cuz it means just relaxing and hanging out.

I have been trying to buy a 250R Ninja for quite sometime now, since April 2008. They have been sold out or they were too much money.

My friend Scott, told me about a dealer out in HR. I was happy, yet pissed at the same time cuz Ryan’s shop is out there and he would drive by this Kawi dealer everyday since July 2008. Seriously, open your eyes. He’s so unobservant, it drives me nuts.

So I call the owner, who is super nice, then I go down and meet him. He’s on the hunt for a bike for me. He had 2 at the bike show for $4200. I was so upset cuz I was at the bike show and would have gotten the bike there, but didn’t know about him until after. So after a month of searching for me, he finally found a bike for me out in Camrose. I was so excited for a brief moment until he told me the price, $5070. I was upset. I could’ve bought that here in Calgary for that price.

Crushed and a little upset I called Ryan grumbling and complaining about the price. I wanted to save money on the bike because the gear is going to cost me $2000. It’s being sent from Belgium as I write! Whoo hoo!

So I asked Ryan to call the owner and see if he could use his sales skills to get me a better deal.

He called me back 15 min later and told me the good news. $500 off, so the bike will only cost me $4500. How rockin’ is THAT!?! I was so, so, so uber happy out of my mind. I was just thrilled and estatic! Huge bonus points for him because for once he has shown an interest in my bike and got me a deal. I was just freaking out, I was so excited. Horray! I’m finally going to be getting my bike!

So I ran over on Saturday and gave the dealer $2000. He’s picking up the bike this Thursday. I’m going to meet my bike on Friday. I’m so pumped. I think I”m going to call my bike Gremlin…. or Jack. I really like the name Jack for some reason. I think Jack is going to be the name… I dunno. I’ll think it over when I get to see it for the first time. I teased the owner and asked if I could have weekly visitation with my bike until I paid for all of it.

I didn’t pay for all of it because I need to put $2000 on my Credit card because all my gear is being charged to my credit card.

I’ll be picking up my bike at the end of March, this way I will have my CC all paid off and all my money for my bike. That and I don’t want to start to pay for insurance until I can ride the damn thing and that won’t be until the middle of April. Right now all the money I make goes towards my bike and my Credit Card. I hate having to be all responsible. It just bugs me. I’m going to leave my Credit Card at home now tucked in my shoe hanger so I don’t feel tempted to use it to buy stuff. I just want to quickly pay it off. I’m going to work a bit more so I can get more money honey. I just need to work more in the evenings so I don’t have to have a babysitter cost. I’m also going to do work from home or head in for a couple hours at a time at the theater as well. I need to have no debts by March 31, 2009 because I’m going to be out of commission for 2 weeks and won’t be able to work. Then I have to work like crazy so I can save up money to go to Hawaii in June.

Ryan is now coming with me cuz he wants to come. That and he said he’d pay for the entire thing. So, I’m happy about that. I do want to save money for Hawaii though because then if Ryan balks or complains about something I want to do I’ll just be like, forget you, I’m going whether you like it or not cuz I’ve got the money and I’m doing it. Once my mind is set to do something, I’m dogged determined to see it through and get it done. I just fixate and focus on that one thing until I get it. I usually get what I want. Determination and perseverance pays off.

I’ll be up for 48 hours baking a cake, taking care of kids, working and doing Josh’s birthday party. I’m so freakn’ exhausted. I left a note with all the things that I wanted to have done when I got home, but when I got home at 4am nothing was done. Nothing. Dishes were still in the dishwasher. Dirty dishes in the sink. Ryan must have made supper for himself because there was dirty dishes on the stove, on the island and in the sink. The floor had a bran muffin scattered all around from I’m assuming Luke’s terror. The laundry wasn’t folded and the floors were not swept. So now I have to spend an hour cleaning up instead of going straight to decorate the tank cake that Josh wants for his birthday.

I’m so disappointed, frustrated and upset. I really wish Ryan would pull his weight around the house. All he had to do was follow the list I gave him and get the kids to do their chores. I work too and yet he still doesn’t feel that he has to do anything around the house. I’m so angry. I wish he would just help out, especially before a big day. He’s so lazy around the house it drives me crazy. I’m sure he just went and watched TV downstairs all night long again.

I’m so mad. Crap like this just makes me want to leave. Just pack my junk and get the hell out of this life and start new somewhere else. Just disappear. Arg.

I wish I had a pause button so I could just stop time, take a nap, then clean up and finishing doing the cake. I hate how time just marches on and I never seem to be capable of keeping up.

The birthday party should be fun though. Taking 10 kids over to lasertek, having pizza and cake, then off to the movies, then home. 9am - 4pm. It’s going to be a long day. I hope I can crash and sleep somewhere… I’m going to have to take some chai and Red Bull to keep my awake.

At the dinner table Josh shoves his fork in his mouth so it’s sticking out sideways like a dog bone.

“Do you know why I’m doing this?” He asks us his eyes dancing with mischief.

We all just pause and stare at him for a second.

Without missing a beat Mya pipes up and says, “Because you’re a freak?”

We all burst into laughter. She is picking up my phrases so quickly.

**********

We are having some of the black tie mousse cake.
Mya comes up and says, “Can I have some cow cake please?”

*********

For Christmas Mya got a Barbie doll that sings. When she opens it up and discovered it she says, “Oh yea!!! Now when I sing, boys will come to me!”

**********

Brandon was being very naughty. I got mad at him and said, “Brandon, you’re 6 now. You need to behave! I want you to be good and listen to what I say!!!”
Brandon looks at me and says, “Well, I’m still 5. I turn 6 tomorrow.”

I’m terribly frustrated over my whole bike situation. I’m trying to find my Red 250R Ninja and I’m very specific about what I want and the price I want to pay. My patience is wearing thin and I’m getting terribly annoyed of the obstacles I’m trying to leap over. I need a BFG just to blow everything out of my way so I can just achieve my goal of getting one of those damn things to drive. ARG. I just found out I can pick up my bike for $4200 and I want to do that instead of paying $5000 or more for it.

Clothing is such a headache to find cuz either it’s too small or too big. I can’t seem to find my size that I want in the clothing I want. I want the black Lady Yu 2pc. Dainese outfit and it’s not here in Canada. I can’t find it or if I can it’s too ridiculously expensive.

My theatre boss keeps trying to get into my head and trying to figure me out. I hate that. I think I’m a pretty open person and if I want to let people in, I’ll let them in, otherwise I want people to butt out and stay out. Don’t try to figure me out. Hellz. She’s sending me emails saying, “I thought this was profound for you… what do you think?” Seriously, What?!? It was a bunch of mumbo jumbo about figuring what you’re going to do this year. I think she’s trying to fish to see if I’m coming back to work during the days for her. I’m not. I’m not interested. Not in the slightest. It’s so stressful for me and I’d rather work for Ryan where it doesn’t matter if I show up or not. I’m so irked when people try to jump into my personal space when I haven’t invited them into it. If I want you in, you’re in. If I don’t. Stay the hell out and leave me alone. I’m either a very warm and welcoming person or extremely cold and hostile. If I like someone I’ll treat them like a King or Queen, but if I don’t I’m extremely closed off and an ice Queen.

I’ve been quite grumpy lately and I’m still trying to figure out why. I think it’s just the stress of money and making sure I have enough to do all the things I want to do. I’m trying so hard to save money and it’s stressing me out like crazy. I’m not good at saving and excel at spending. I’m trying to make sure I save all my money I make so that I can just pay cash for the bike, but there’s all kinds of stupid bills that keep coming up that I’m not expecting. Like my $500 heating and electricity bill I just got from December. Holy Hell. I hate stupid Christmas lights and cold weather. Sheesh.

All my kids birthdays are all in a row and there’s skiing and snowboarding to do. I just get so frustrated cuz I want to do it all… for some reason I feel a sense of urgency to do all these things I’ve always wanted to do… I don’t know why.

I wonder if it’s cuz somehow I know I’m gonna die within the next few years so I’m trying to pack in as much as I can? Hmmm…. I just feel antsy. I feel like a caged tiger that is just pacing. I just want to get out there and do and go, yet I feel my family and life is holding me back. I feel a lot of guilt for pursuing all the things I want to do. Crazy. But I do.

It’s been awhile since I last posted. I’ve been just hand writing in a journal. Sometimes I find that is a great therapy. Now that horrible is December is over. I still hate Christmas and I still hate December and what it brings about. Too many parties, too many obligations, too much money spending and too many things to do. I really do shut down for December.

I was in a fog the entire month. I could barely go anywhere or do anything. I was spiraling down and could not get myself to shake off my horrible mood. The only bright shining light I had to hold on to was that I was able to chat and talk to Dave quite a bit for the first few weeks in December. It made life bearable. He was really my only human contact other than my family. I distanced myself from everyone and just shut down. Didn’t return calls, barely went to work, and slept for a lot of the day.

I hate being a manic depressive or “bipolar” as the new term is. Seriously, I don’t know why they have to change the name all the time. It’s so stupid. So I have ADD AND Manic issues…. Sheesh. Way to go me for picking up a stupid brain.

January started up and I was very happy that Christmas was over. I felt very invigorated and ready to roar. I had a surge of energy and the fog which filled my brain was gone. I was on a high. The roller coaster was moving up.

First day back at work. The boss pulled me and and we had a 3 hour conversation as to why I wasn’t around much and what the heck was going on with me. I must admit I only showed up for 6 days of day work. I showed up for all my night shifts, but day work I was hating. It just was too much for me and my family. I wasn’t coping well, had too many balls up in the air and they were crashing down around me.

So I helped her make the decision that she didn’t want to do. I told her that I would fire me if I wasn’t performing the way I wanted an employee to perform and that no matter what I would always be her friend and not to blur the friendship and the work aspect of our relationship. She still wanted me on the floor, so I will stay on the floor and be a floor manager still and do marketing for the theatre, just not the sales part that she wants to expand. Which is totally fine by me and makes me happy.

So I began to work for Ryan during the day, but the great thing is that I just show up whenever I want. Also it is great to see him. Our relationship has improved significantly since I am now able to see him more than 15 min. at night. I like it. It’s really great. I was seriously headed for divorce court with him. I was so angry and pissed at him constantly.

I’m a quality time person and if I don’t spend time with him I begin to hate him fast. So now I see him 3 times a week and we have a great time at work. I’m always giving him hugs and kisses or sitting on his lap or just chatting with him. It’s nice to just get back to us without 8 million kids around us. We have the guys at the shop, but I love working with all guys. They are so casual and easy going and they are always fooling around and joking. It’s great. I love working with guys. They are a blast!

I’m trying to find my bike at a decent price. I am also trying to find my gear at a decent price. It’s so hard, especially cuz I’m so small. There’s lots of large sizes, just not my size. I’ve called down to San Francisco to talk to the Dainese store down there, but again they don’t have what I’m looking for. I know exactly what I want and what I’m looking for. So now I’m just trying to find the best price.

I have a couple of guys helping me buy my bike. It’s so great. I love having help with this stuff, cuz I don’t know what the hell I’m doing so I love it when someone takes me under their wing and helps me out. I’m just waiting to hear back from a dealership in High River. I was so upset to find out that the dealer out there sold the 250 Ninja for $4200. Holy Hellz! I wish I would have found out this place sooner. I would have bought it instantly. He had my color and everything. So basically that’s what I’m focusing on these days. I dream of my bike. I think of it and I’m searching the bike and gear online.

I just wish there was some way to clone myself so I could do more things at once or just be able to stop time so I could get more things done.