The journey between here and there

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? ( England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?( Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can
you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Calgary . Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys
Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in
Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where
the female population is smaller than the male population?( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I
forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns.( USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Kick ASS! Go see it! It will rock your socks off. I loved it. I loved the explosions, the boom, bang, bing, bop, blam, blood, fire, more booming, fists flying, smashing, buildings breaking, bombs, guns and rat-ta-ta-tat of the machine guns… Golly! So, so, so fabulous. Edward Norton does a wonderful job portraying the Hulk and I love Liv Tyler. I just love her lips. They are so kissable and full. It was just a fun, action packed, summer popcorn mind numbing flick which is what I needed.

Ryan wanted to take Josh out and I was like, ‘I’ve had the day from HELL and I need to go out! There’s NO WAY I’m staying behind.” So I grabbed a sitter, took Laura and we headed off on our strange night. I don’t know why everywhere I go, things just always seem to happen. I think chaos just follows me.

So we get in the van and a bottle of Luke’s must be slowly rotting somewhere cuz it smelled like rotting meat carcass mixed with sour milk. So disgusting. We had to take the freakn’ van cuz Ryan was picking up the new lawnmower, which I hope will mean he’ll mow the law more than 2 times a year. Right now our lawn is as tall as our 23 month old terror Luke. So we roll down the windows cuz we don’t have time to find the source of this horrid smell cuz we’ve only got 40 min. till the store closes with a 25 min drive ahead of us. Off we go driving around like dogs sticking our heads out the window for fresh air.

We pick up the lawnmower which takes up 1/2 the van, then head over to Chinook Centre to see a movie. We were trying to decide on what we would see: Iron Man, The Hulk, Prince Caspian: Narnia part 2 or Indiana Jones. Now I’ve already Seen IJ and it’s ok, but not one I’d pay to see again. Ryan had already seen Iron Man and I’m not all that interested in paying to see Narnia Part 2. I’ll wait till I can see it for free at my theatre. So I convinced everyone of the wonderfulness of The Incredible Hulk.

We grabbed our tickets which we got for free, cuz I’ve always got the hook up on free stuff. Ryan and I split up. He did bathroom runs with Josh and grabbed the treats. Laura and I went to stand in line and grab seats. We walk towards a huge line up, this is an hour before the show starts.

Laura looks at the people waiting and snarks, “geez, look at them standing there waiting for their movie. That sucks. What are they waiting for?”

“Well, we get to be the lucky ones that are at the very END of this long, long line up. They are here to see our movie.”
“Oh. All of them?”
“Ya, except for about 20 of those guys cuz they are just there because they think standing in lines are fun. So they just go from line up to line up standing in line just for fun. You should try it some time… oh wait… here’s your big chance… can you feel the excitement?”
She just gives me the “mom you’re a dork” look and laughs.

We stand in front of these 2 guys who instantly start including us in their conversations and butting into our conversations. They were hilarious and the one guy was cute so I tolerated it and played along. It was a blast and we had a great time talking and joking around.

A snippet of their conversation.
Cute guy to his chubby friend. Dead panning this line: ok, this time you are not allowed to hold my hand. I know you were really freaked out when we went to see Iron Man, but you have to stop grabbing my hand. I’ve had enough.

Chubs. Without missing a beat retorts in a deadpan voice: Well, I’ll try not to but I might not be able to resist if it gets a little scary. Maybe I can just hold your hand for the first 1/2?

They bantered in this way back and for forth a good 5 minutes and Laura and I were just dying laughing.

They start making fun of all the girls lined up to see ‘Sex and the City’ and how men who go to see that show is just a bunch of pansies. I laughed and said, ‘no, they are not, they are just whipped and they hope that if they see that chick flick then their girl will be all happy and they’ll get some tail later that night.’

The conversation was flowing great until Ryan showed up, then they just turned around and didn’t say much after that. Geez, seriously, what’s wrong with guys? Why do they do that? It’s stupid.

It drives me crazy to have to stand in line for so long without being entertained, so I went to exchange the Nibs for Peanut M&M’s. Ryan was retarded and had another brain freeze moment when got me Nibs. I specifically asked for Peanut M&M’s. I just looked at him and shook my head. He’s known me now for 15 years and he knows I HATE Nibs. I think they are the grossest candy ever and I won’t even touch them. I swear, he never pays attention to me. He’s so oblivious to me. The fact that he can walk upright amazes me some days.

Now before I left I gave Ryan specific instructions.
“Ok, now if I don’t get back before the movie gets in, make sure you get good seats. You know where I like to sit, so please make sure you get as close to there as possible.”

I usually like to sit around middle or 7 rows up from the 2nd section. This way you get the big screen, but it’s not too big where you’re craning your neck and it’s not too far away where you just feel like you’re at home with a bunch of people in your house.

So, after making sure he heard me and understood what I said off I went to go stand in another line, but this time I had a TV to watch.

I make the exchange then go back. The movie is JUST letting everyone in. Dang. So now I have to wait for everyone to go in cuz they won’t let you butt in line even though you were with someone. The theatre is packed by the time I get in, but I know we would have gotten good seats cuz we were about 30 back and this theatre sat around 190. So I look, I look and I look. Finally after looking in the section they SHOULD be in I begin to think maybe I’m in the wrong theatre because I know he understood my specific instructions. So I walk out to check my theatre number with my ticket. Nope, it’s right. *sigh* I call Ryan.

’so, where are ya?’ I ask.
‘oh, ya. We’re at the very top. 2nd from the top by the left stairs.’
So I think to myself maybe it was packed and we were further back than I originally thought.
After the long trek to the back of the theatre I look at him and glare.
‘What’s with the seats? You know I hate sitting back here!” I hiss.
‘Well, we were sitting where we normally sit, but then Laura wanted to sit up at the back. So we moved.”
ACK!
I just look at Laura and she gives me her biggest grin.
“The best seats are at the back mom.” She chimes in. “Oh ya and the guy you’re sitting beside has got like an afro.” Then she laughs.
I just look at Ryan and say, “Ya know. You CAN say, ‘no’ to them. I hate sitting back here.”
He just shrugs and begins to babble an explanation but I stopped listening and survey the damage from the nose bleed section.

My mind wanders to the comment Laura made about the afro guy and I thought, ‘he better not be an ass cuz I’ll be even more annoyed. Laura is sitting on the outside, then Ryan, then Josh, then me and next to me the empty seat which supposedly ‘afro man sits in.

All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye I see Nacho Libre come walking up the stares. He’s got a baggy white stained, dirty shirt with black dirty sweat pants covering his obese body. His hair is 1 foot in the air, unkempt, unwashed, with curls bouncing all over like they are trying to bounce off his head to escape from the grossness. Now when I say Nacho Libre I’m not kidding. He was a spitting image of Jack Black in that movie.

To my shock and horror he comes bumbling down our row. He sits down beside me in one big flump. He immediately takes up the arm rest and puts his bottle of coke in the holder. One second after that the smell hits me. He smelled like he had played in a pig pen then didn’t take a bath for a month. BO, sweat, stinky feet all came racing up my nostrils. I looked at Ryan and if looks could kill he was being stabbed by a million daggers. Laura starts laughing and Josh smirks.

I shake my head and hiss over at him, ‘you just had to move didn’t you?’
He gives me this deer in headlights look just oblivious to anything. He is happily munching away on his popcorn and sucking back his pop in sheer heaven. I feel like dumping it all on his head just to wipe off that satisfied grin on his face.

I sit closer to Josh and have recoiled my body into 1/2 the seat as far away from the Nacho Libre as possible. The smell is so unbearable that my eyes soon begin to water and I put my hand up to my face. I skooch over even closer to Josh with 1/2 my ass hanging off my seat. The lights go down and the previews start. Nacho is happily eating his popcorn very loudly and forgets to close his mouth as he chews. After every preview he does this weird laugh snort and says to himself in a crackled high pitched voice. ‘Oh ya, I’ll see that.’ or he just laughs in this chicken like squawk.

I hate when people talk in movies. HATE IT. Even the rustle of popcorn bags annoys me. I turn to glare at Ryan again. I lean over and hiss, “my eyes are watering he stinks so bad!”
“Oh, gee… Sorry hon. Do you want to switch seats? I’ll sit there I don’t mind.” Ryan offers. I should have taken him up on the offer.
“No! I just wished you would have stayed at the seats you originally had!” I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want the dude to feel bad about people getting up to move away from him. I was beginning to think he was special needs or an IOP (Idiot on Patrol) or something.

5 minutes into the movie with me partially holding my breath and practically sitting on Josh, Nacho takes out his bag of Twizzlers. ‘rustle, rustle, rustle.’ goes his plastic bag.
‘mmmm…’ Nacho says to himself. Then like a dog he takes the Twizzler and eats it like a bone while making these growling noises as he eats it. He would put the twizzler in his mouth length wise and shake it. Then growl as he devoured the twizzler. People behind me are snickering and I begin to look around to see if there is a hidden camera around that I’m not aware of. This is just too much.

Another 5 minutes pass and he grabs his bottle of coke and takes a swig. “BUURRRP.” OMFG! I’m gonna kill this guy. I turn to look at him, but he is just oblivious and happily digging into this popcorn bag. ‘Crunch, crunch, crinkle, crinkle, mmmmm… mmmm…’

I was losing my mind. Then he starts to talk and make comments about the movie.
‘Oh that’s funny.’ He’d say in a his squeaky thinly high chicken like voice. ‘Oh good one!’ ‘ Hahaahaha, it’s right there.’ ‘uh oh, look out.’ ‘ooohhh now that’s a big gun.’ munch, munch, munch, grrrr… grrrr….’

My seat is shaking a bit and I look down. Both of his legs are shaking up and down really fast. I was just shaking my head. He must have some sort of mental issue cuz this guy was a total head case.

I try to concentrate on the movie and finally 1/2 way through his movie he is finished his twizzlers so the crinkling of the twizzler bag stops. Unfortunately it took him the entire movie to finishes his popcorn and coke. He burped happily each time he took a drink. I seriously felt like slapping him. It took a lot of will power not to lash out and hiss, ‘BE QUIET! STOP! JUST STOP & BE QUIET!!!!” *ugh*

So even though I had Nacho Libre sitting beside me and distracting me from the movie, I still thought that the movie had great action, special effects and a good storyline. I loved the cameo’s from Stan Lee and the original Hulk, Bill Bixby.

Our town is in a state of emergency… all the dummies who live by the river are flooded… “shocker”. I, on the other hand, am not a dummy, I live on a hill. People need to realize that when they live by the river chances are you’ll be flooded at least once. It’s been raining for 4 days straight and the grass if turning a beautiful green, the leaves on the trees are budding and the flowers are blooming.

Surprisingly I’m enjoying the rain. It is so refreshing to have rain instead of snow.

“I don’t know why she can’t go shopping for this for me during the day.. I mean my Gawd, she’s just a stay at home mom! It’s not like she has a job or anything! She can get out and go do stuff!”

LOL!!!! This is my friend who has no kids getting pissed off at her sister who has 2 kids. I laugh because she has no clue!

Now this doesn’t offend me because it’s spoken with pure ignorance. I hope she ends up with 3 kids of her own so she can see how it’s so “not like a job.”

I didn’t say anything, I just smirked and let her be ignorant, unless you live through something like having children to take care of you don’t have a clue what it is like to be “just a stay-at-home-mom” 24 hours a day.

Ya, I have tonnes of time during the day with 5 kids to go shopping…In fact all I do is sit around watch Ellen, Oprah and The Price is Right. Then I rush out jump on my dog sled, go get my nails and hair done cuz why not?!? There’s nothing else to do, right?!?….. Simply ridiculous.

LMAO!!!! OK… this is the funniest story I’ve read in a long time… The US Security Peps are waaaaay to sensitive… I think this should be turned into a small segment on 24 where CTU thinks terrorists in Canada make a tracking device coin or a coin to smuggle sensitivge information, Jack has to figure it out, CTU makes a big deal about it and it turns out to be nothing, so it sets Jack back and he’s pissed *DAMMIT!!!*…. lol… this is just toooo funny. I’ve seen this poppy coin. I have one. It’s pretty… but not a tracking device.

‘Poppy quarter’ behind spy coin alert By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press Writer

WASHINGTON - An odd-looking Canadian coin with a bright red flower was the culprit behind a U.S. Defense Department false espionage warning earlier this year about mysterious coin-like objects with radio frequency transmitters, The Associated Press has learned.

The harmless “poppy coin” was so unfamiliar to suspicious U.S. Army contractors traveling in Canada that they filed confidential espionage accounts about them. The worried contractors described the coins as “anomalous” and “filled with something man-made that looked like nano-technology,” according to once-classified U.S. government reports and e-mails obtained by the AP.

The silver-colored 25-cent piece features the red image of a poppy — Canada’s flower of remembrance — inlaid over a maple leaf. The unorthodox quarter is identical to the coins pictured and described as suspicious in the contractors’ accounts.

The supposed nano-technology actually was a conventional protective coating the Royal Canadian Mint applied to prevent the poppy’s red color from rubbing off. The mint produced nearly 30 million such quarters in 2004 commemorating Canada’s 117,000 war dead.

“It did not appear to be electronic (analog) in nature or have a power source,” wrote one U.S. contractor, who discovered the coin in the cup holder of a rental car. “Under high power microscope, it appeared to be complex consisting of several layers of clear, but different material, with a wire like mesh suspended on top.”

The confidential accounts led to a sensational warning from the Defense Security Service, an agency of the Defense Department, that mysterious coins with radio frequency transmitters were found planted on U.S. contractors with classified security clearances on at least three separate occasions between October 2005 and January 2006 as the contractors traveled through Canada.

One contractor believed someone had placed two of the quarters in an outer coat pocket after the contractor had emptied the pocket hours earlier. “Coat pockets were empty that morning and I was keeping all of my coins in a plastic bag in my inner coat pocket,” the contractor wrote.

But the Defense Department subsequently acknowledged that it could never substantiate the espionage alarm that it had put out and launched the internal review that turned up the true nature of the mysterious coin.

Meanwhile, in Canada, senior intelligence officials expressed annoyance with the American spy-coin warnings as they tried to learn more about the oddball claims.

“That story about Canadians planting coins in the pockets of defense contractors will not go away,” Luc Portelance, now deputy director for the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, wrote in a January e-mail to a subordinate. “Could someone tell me more? Where do we stand and what’s the story on this?”

Others in Canada’s spy service also were searching for answers. “We would be very interested in any more detail you may have on the validity of the comment related to the use of Canadian coins in this manner,” another intelligence official wrote in an e-mail. “If it is accurate, are they talking industrial or state espionage? If the latter, who?” The identity of the e-mail’s recipient was censored.

Intelligence and technology experts were flabbergasted over the warning when it was first publicized earlier this year. The warning suggested that such transmitters could be used surreptitiously to track the movements of people carrying the coins.

“I thought the whole thing was preposterous, to think you could tag an individual with a coin and think they wouldn’t give it away or spend it,” said H. Keith Melton, a leading intelligence historian.

But Melton said the Army contractors properly reported their suspicions. “You want contractors or any government personnel to report anything suspicious,” he said. “You can’t have the potential target evaluating whether this was an organized attack or a fluke.”

The Defense Security Service disavowed its warning about spy coins after an international furor, but until now it has never disclosed the details behind the embarrassing episode. The U.S. said it never substantiated the contractors’ claims and performed an internal review to determine how the false information was included in a 29-page published report about espionage concerns.

The Defense Security Service never examined the suspicious coins, spokeswoman Cindy McGovern said. “We know where we made the mistake,” she said. “The information wasn’t properly vetted. While these coins aroused suspicion, there ultimately was nothing there.”

A numismatist consulted by the AP, Dennis Pike of Canadian Coin & Currency near Toronto, quickly matched a grainy image and physical descriptions of the suspect coins in the contractors’ confidential accounts to the 25-cent poppy piece.

“It’s not uncommon at all,” Pike said. He added that the coin’s protective coating glows peculiarly under ultraviolet light. “That may have been a little bit suspicious,” he said.

Some of the U.S. documents the AP obtained were classified “Secret/Noforn,” meaning they were never supposed to be viewed by foreigners, even America’s closest allies. The government censored parts of the files, citing national security reasons, before turning over copies under the U.S. Freedom of Information Act.

Nothing in the documents — except the reference to nanotechnology — explained how the contractors’ accounts evolved into a full-blown warning about spy coins with radio frequency transmitters. Many passages were censored, including the names of contractors and details about where they worked and their projects.

But there were indications the accounts should have been taken lightly. Next to one blacked-out sentence was this warning: “This has not been confirmed as of yet.”

The Canadian intelligence documents, which also were censored, were turned over to the AP for $5 under that country’s Access to Information Act. Canada cited rules for protecting against subversive or hostile activities to explain why it censored the papers.

To the woman that ruined the last 30 minutes of Ryan’s surprise birthday party, I just have this to say:

This was sent to me via email. I enjoy these and plan on trying these out for fun. Especially #4!

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3. When trying on clothes in a dressing room, yell out, “There’s no toilet paper in here!”

4. In the memo field of all your checks, write: “For Sexual Favors.”

5. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

6. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

7. Specify that your drive-thru order is “To Go.”

8. Sing along at the Opera.

9. When money comes out of the ATM, scream: “I won! I won!”

10. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”

I always get these comments from people and I’m not to sure how to handle them. These are the top 3 comments I hear most often and said with a surprised tone.

1. YOU are a Mormon? You don’t look like a Mormon!

2. YOU have 4 kids? You don’t look like you would have 4 kids!

3. YOU lived on a farm? You don’t look like a farm girl!

*sigh* Now these comments are said with no explanation and always by complete strangers. So trying not to be rude I just look at these people like they are from Mars and then reaffirm that Yes, I am Mormon and Yes I go to church every Sunday. Yes, I have 4 kids and yes they are all mine. Yes I lived on a farm until I was 18 when I left the hole for the big city.

I just don’t get it. Monday I was bombarded by #1 and #2 when I went over to Bowness Park for a Ward picnic. We went with friends and happened to meet up with one of their friends while we were there. Once she asked #1 I got annoyed and said, “Why? What do I look like? Why don’t I look like a Mormon?”

To which she looks at me and laughs, “Well, you wear those shirts that show your belly and you’re so bouncy and bubbly and all over the place.”

“My belly isn’t showing!” I looked down to check and no. My black Banana Republic shirt came to the top of my low-rise Capri’s. I guess when I reach my arms up my shirt my does raise up to reveal my midriff, but I don’t like shirts that go down to my knees or to my crotch for that matter. I don’t like baggy shirts unless I’m frumping around the house. They make me feel like crap.

“Well, we are all in sweat shirts and clothes like this and you’re not,” she responds.

“Well, hey, like my friend Julianne always says, ‘If you got it, flaunt it.’ I like to look like a yummy mummy. This is how I dress. I’m wearing a sweater too, it’s just a cardigan.”

“Well, you just have red painted toes with red flip flops that have bling on them….”

“Oh please, they are fake diamonds. These are from Old Navy! I don’t see what’s wrong with wearing these….”

For freak sakes! Just cuz I don’t dress like a slob and don’t look like I just rolled out of bed in the morning doesn’t mean I don’t look like a Mormon. I mean what the hell?!? My shirts are fitted, not tight, tight, but fitted. I don’t have abs, and my stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be, but I don’t have a rolly bulge. I know how to dress according to my body type. I don’t like to wear baggy clothes, I’m not a 15 year old rapper boy.

I can’t help it that I’m not fat just cuz I have 4 kids. I eat whatever I want, my only exercise is chasing after 4 kids. There’s no secret. I just have good genes and a fast metabolism. So don’t get cranky at me cuz you feel bad about yourself. I get so defensive cuz it comes across like a put down. Well, screw you. Screw you all! I’ll dress how I want, cuz I don’t think I’m dressing like a prostitute on the corner of 3rd Ave.

The other comment I got was #2. I’m sure people are trying to be nice, but it sure is coming across as rude.

“Wow! 4 already? You should have more, because if you look like that and they look so cute, you should really think about having more,” lady comments to me at the park.

“Thank you, but the 4 I have is making me go crazy as it is. Do I look like the poster woman for Breeders R’ Us? Thanks, but I think I’ve already gone above and beyond the call of duty,” I laugh it off.

Snarly mean me feels like saying,
“Really? You only have 2? Well, maybe you should have more, cuz you’re fat already and your kids look so cute. If you get pregnant again, you’re already fat so hey, why not have another kid?”

Why can’t people leave me alone and keep their asinine comments to themselves?

My memory brain cells are malfunctioning. I think I’m getting Alzheimers. I’m worried. My dad had it before he died and I think I’m getting it.

I lose my keys. I lose them constantly so I usually always put them in my right coat pocket, right jean pocket or in our key box at home. However, an incident occurred just the other day which made me freak. I had them in my hands as I got into the van, then I forgot where I set them down so I could put Mya in her car seat. After 10 minutes Laura finally found them for me. I’m losing it.

I’ve lost my black rimmed glasses. It’s been 2 weeks and I can’t find them. I thought I put them down by my bedside table but when I woke up they were gone… vanished…. without a trace. I have my contacts, but I like wearing my glasses around the house cuz they don’t make my eyes as tired. I have another pair, but I put them somewhere ” safe “ and I cannot remember where that safe place is. Obviously it’s safe from me too.

I had just changed Mya in Great Grandma Lee’s en-suite bathroom. I was sitting out on the couch when I thought, ‘hmmm, Mya’s not here, I wonder what she is doing.’

I turned to Ryan and said, “Ryan, can you go into Grandma’s bedroom and get Mya, cuz she’s in there all by herself and I don’t want her to get into mischief in there.”

He gives me a weird look but doesn’t get up.

I ask him 2 more times, each time I begin to stress out more because he’s just sitting there looking at me dumbfounded. I was playing a game with Laura and didn’t want to go get Mya. My voice is getting a little higher after each request. Finally my eyes narrow and through clench teeth I hiss, “Go. Get. Her!” I’m mad now. Any minute my head was going to start spinning around…

“You want me to get Mya?” he asks incredulously.

“Yes!” I hiss smoke fuming out of my ears.

“She’s not in Grandma’s room, you’ve been holding her the entire time. She’s nursing under the blanket ,” he replies looking confused and concerned.

I look down and sure enough, there she is. I seriously thought that she was in the other room. I was shocked to see that she was in my arms.

I’ve read articles on pregnant women that lose memory, I am still nursing so maybe, hopefully that’s what my problem is…

I think I might even have dementia. I’ve got some sort of itis…Stupiditis, moronitis, retarditis, forgetfulitis…

I was quite naive and very innocent when I left home after high school. I moved to Calgary and began to enjoy my freedom from my strict parents.

My boyfriend Tok (yes, that’s his real name. His parents were flower children of the 60’s and they named him after their favorite thing) and I were making out on the couch at his place.

We were laying on the couch and he was grinding his groin into me as we were kissing.

I felt something hard press up against me and it bugged me.

I pull away and look at him. “What’s in your pocket?” I ask.

“Huh?”

“What’s in your pocket?” I query again.

“What are you talking about?” he asks not quite knowing what I’m referring to.

“Well, there’s something in your pocket that keeps on digging into me and it’s beginning to hurt. Can you take it out?”

He looks at me in disbelief.

“What is it?” I point to the bulge in his pocket.

“It’s a banana.” He says with a sly grin.

“A Banana!?!” I am so confused and exasperated. “Well, take the banana out of your pocket then, cuz it’s bugging me.”

“I can’t, maybe I’ll show it to you later,” he says and starts to kiss me again.

Not one to let things go I persist even further.

“Why do you have a banana in your pocket?” I ask again.

He chuckles and says, “I like warm bananas.”

“Really? You eat warm bananas? That’s weird! Why would you eat warm bananas? Don’t they get squished in your pocket? I mean I like bananas, but I only like them when they are firm, I don’t like them when they are soft with the black spots, cuz then they are gross……”

He began to kiss me again to shut me up…..

I never understood the banana bit until a few months later I had a different boyfriend… All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head and I said, “OMG! I am such an idiot!”

If I ever see Tok again I’ll banish all thoughts to hide under a rock, go up to him, smile and say, “You know what? I like warm bananas too!”

This guy should have a reality show, where he sings to various songs. I’d watch, but only if he promises to dance too… LMAO!

Lip Synching at it’s best!

Now that is a great performance!

WTF?!?

Why oh why do people call me at the crack of dawn? Don’t they realize that it’s summer vacation and I like to sleep in? GAH! For the love of Pete and everything Holy!

DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT CALL BEFORE 10AM! 10am is my rising time. Not 8:00, 9:15, 9:30, 9:45 or 9:50… 10 AM!!! So F*ck off and don’t call me a million times trying to wake me up! It makes me pissy and cranky! ESPECIALLY when I hear:

“Hey! What are you doing? Huh? No nothing important, just calling to chat.”

WHAT THE F*CK!?! You mean there was NO emergency? We are not being invaded by the Germans? A tornado isn’t heading towards my house? Aliens haven’t landed? It’s not the 2nd coming? THEN DON’T CALL ME!

*click*

Holy Crack Pot Babies and Snuffalupagus Snouts! People Leave Me The Hell Alone! If it’s so damn important leave a message. That’s what the answering machine is for! Learn it! Use it!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris.” Could I please speak with Robin Carter?”
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled “You’re an asshole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an asshole!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘asshole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?”

He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an asshole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you tell me where I can see it?”
“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an asshole.”
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an asshole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”
I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole.”

Then I called Asshole #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, asshole,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are.”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew. NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works.

***I love this joke! I always laugh when I read it!***

I can’t stand Tom Cruise. I really don’t see why he is so great and why the media keeps on putting this nut on TV. I don’t watch his movies anymore. I don’t have any respect for him at all. He’s just crazy in my books. So I must plug this website cuz I think that it’s hilarious. That and Tom doesn’t like it…he’s getting his sharks ready to attack so read it while you can!

Tom Cruise is Nuts!

Do I look like a plumber? Why do my kids insist on shoving grass down the sink? A whole bucket full no less. When I asked they said they were just cleaning the grasshoppers jar out. *sigh*

They have decided to have a grasshopper as a pet. It lasted a day. This is why I don’t have pets. They would terrorize the pet and it would end up dead. I tried to have the school guinea pig stay at our house for a week during holidays. That lasted for 2 days. I gave it to a friend of mine so the pig would live for the rest of the week and I didn’t want to have to buy the school a new guinea pig. The poor pig. Over the two days, it endured being picked up and squished constantly, having its cage banged on, being put in the bath, being fed bubble bath, being drawn on by felts and having to endure being dressed up in doll clothes. *sigh* I don’t do pets.

I would love to have a golden retriever because I miss my dog Sandy. They are so beautiful. I just don’t believe in having a dog in town. If I lived on a farm I would have one. Dogs require room to run and play. I just feel sorry for big dogs that are cooped up inside the house or in fences all day.

Our neighbors have 2 large dogs and 1 small dog. I hate their dogs.. the one big dog sits on their deck and barks his head off when any one of my kids go out on the deck or in the backyard. The little dog keeps sneaking under the fence and hanging out in my yard. I love dogs, don’t get me wrong, but I hate these dogs. They poop and pee on our front yard. I don’t let my kids run around in the front yard anymore cuz sometimes the neighbors pick up the poo and sometimes they don’t. It’s just gross. I’ve complained to them before and have called the town over them as well. They are getting better, but even if the crap is picked up you can’t tell me that there are still remnants left in the grass. You can get tape worm or heart worm from that. It’s just gross. I want to grow a row of bushes between our front property so then their dogs will stay out of our front yard. I hate their dogs. They don’t even walk them that much either. The dogs live in their house most of the time, except for when they are on the deck barking at my kids. For little dogs ya, but big dogs? They need to run and have space to run around. That’s just my opinion cuz I grew up on a farm.

That bugs the hell out of me… not only that, but thankfully we have a fence around our back yard because they just let their dogs crap all over their backyard. Disgusting. They don’t pick it up right away and the smell is just raunchy. She runs a day home and when the kids go in the backyard to play they play “pick up the poop” game. YUCK! If the dog crap is not picked up she has the kids run over and point to where the crap is then she goes and scoops it up with her scooper… so gross. I’ve seen her play this game and she thinks it’s just fine… *UGH* I’m just so glad I don’t have to put my kids into a day home.

They also have 2 cats. Their cats keep sneaking into our yard and sleeping in our backyard. It has pooped in my kids sandbox and I just feel like picking it up by the tail and whipping it around my head and punting it’s butt back into my neighbors backyard. I wish they’d keep their damn pets out of my backyard. I want to move. Damn animals. If you have pets people take freakn’ care of them! I like cats and dogs but keep them from defecating all over my property!

As people I like my neighbors. They are nice and friendly. They always mow our lawn, and are really nice people… I just hate their pets. I wish their pets would spontaneously combust…

Again.. I wish I were Darth Vader… *sigh*

July 1, 2005 Friday

With all the almost unbearable rain we have been getting in June the mosquitoes have come out in full force. They are everywhere and hungry for blood. My blood! I’m scratching like a rabid dog with fleas. Even with bug repellant I think they stole a quart of blood and I have mosquito welts anywhere my skin was showing… Stupid me for wearing a small t-shirt and low-rise Capri’s. I should have worn one of those space suits that cover every inch of your body. It didn’t help that the parade route was by the river so it was like we were walking right into their nesting ground.

I swear I hope birds are going crazy doing the nasty so they start producing lots of lil’ birdies to eat all these freakn’ bugs. I hate mosquitoes. Now I’m all paranoid that I’m going to get West Nile. I’m such a hypochondriac, but seriously… you never know. I gotta watch out for signs. I better go take my temperature…

I slept in so we didn’t get up until 5:50am. We didn’t leave the house till 7:00am. Breakfast already started in Drumheller. Ryan assures me he can make it in an hour and 1/2 instead of 2 hours. We’ll make it to the free breakfast of oj, pancakes and ham. We jump into the truck and off we go. The kids slept most of the way and I, being stupid as always, decided to paint my toe nails in the truck on the way there… I have these cute red Old Navy flip flops with a diamond heart and red bow. I have nail polish to match perfectly. So instead of doing my nails yesterday, no! heaven forbid I procrastinate it until this very morning. Let’s just say the road out to Drumheller is not the smoothest or the straightest. I felt like I was blind, drunk Helen Keller painting my toes. *sigh*

Had breakfast. Delicious. Got ripped off. I had to pay a $1 for each of my kids to let them have balloon hats made by some clown… what a waste, cuz 2 minutes after getting his twisty balloon hat Josh says, “Hey! You wanna hear a balloon fart?” He pops his… “My balloon farted!” He laughs hysterically… and there went a dollar.

The parade was lots of fun. The kids got lots of candy, they had fun waving at the floats and being sprayed by water guns. After we went to Coop to get hot dogs, watermelon and a juice box. I was once again reminded that yep, I still do hate hot dogs. We went to the World’s Largest Dinosaur and the dinosaur water park was lots of fun. The kids ran around and sprayed each other with the water guns.

Ryan and Guy went to watch people bridge jumping. Guy dared this man that he met over there to jump off the bridge for $10. The man jumped in with jeans on. This water is just gross! It is all dirty and full of silt from the floods. It’s just a very muddy river. Ryan and Guy come back all proud of themselves and laughing at the sight of the guys facial expression when he hit the cold revolting water. I was annoyed that they didn’t tell me cuz I wanted to see that!

When Jayna found out he gave the man $10 to jump in the water she just stares at him pissed… It was so funny to see her expression. If looks could kill he’d be a dead man. She started ripping into him, “Why do you always have to spend every last cent that’s in your pocket??? blah, blah, blah…. I’m just laughing cuz Jayna is the most quiet thing and doesn’t say much, but now she’s so mad cuz he spent the money uselessly.

Guy looks at me for backup. “Wouldn’t you pay $10 to see some guy jump off a bridge?”
“No! I’m not stupid! What idiot would pay to watch that?…. oh ya.. you did.” I retort.
I had to back up Jayna at that moment….don’t want to make the woman mad at me for agreeing with him.

We stayed there for a couple of hours then headed off to the reptile museum. It was awesome! I got to hold Brittany the boa constrictor. Yikes… well, I didn’t hold it, I just let them wrap the snake around my neck and quickly had a picture taken. It took everything I had not to run around screaming… snakes are meant to be seen behind glass… thick glass. The snake that the chick on the web page is the holding is a smaller version of the snake I held… Brittany the boa must have been eating lots of small children, cuz this thing was huge. All my kids had the snake wrapped around their necks. The boys thought it was pretty cool. The girls.. not so much. Brandon kept freaking the care taker out cuz he kept trying to grab its flickering tongue. Yikes, I quickly put a stop to that.

Ryan tells me he wants to show me this road with a 100 bridges… so we go. It’s a windy road, with amazing hoodoo’s that surround it, but there were only 10.
“100… 10… it’s all relative.. it seems like 100 though, ” he says.
riiiiight.

Well, on our way back there’s this sign that says and I kid you not! “Village of Idiots 5 km.”
“Did you see that sign?” I ask Ryan, of course he hadn’t because he’s the most unobservant person I know. I thought maybe I was mistaken, but sure enough… 5 km later another sign:
“Village of Idiots (with an arrow pointing south)
Rosedale 8km.”
It was too funny. I wanted to take a picture of it, but Ryan of course wouldn’t stop. It was such a funny sign though, the highlight of my day. *sigh* so this must be where all the idiots originate from, no wonder there are so many close to where I live. They breed them in that town I guess. lol…. now I know where Ryan actually came from.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ~ Helen Keller

Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some. ~ Jose Marti

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future. ~ Sidney J. Harris

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh.

It’s 10:40pm and I’m covered in paint. I only have up the stairs and a few walls left to do, but I’m procrastinating again. I’m so annoyed cuz the Devoted to Smallville site that I always go visit is down.. AGAIN… somebody probably hacked into their site yet again.. that just pisses me off. I just don’ t understand why people just can’t leave that site the freak alone cuz they are tampering not only with them but with my addiction as well! I wish I was a computer master so I could figure out who was doing this to them and then unload a huge whoopass virus on their computer… aww.. heck, why stop there, I wish I could Darth Vader them…*sigh* I’m too sadistic. Sometimes my evil thoughts scare me… I blame my mother… just kidding… only 1/2.

I’ve decided to try blogging because I can type faster than I can write and this way I can just try to work through all the crazy thoughts that roam around in my lil’ brain. Anger management. Stress relief. I’m such a stressed out person, you say the word stress and I’m stressed.. again I blame it on my mother. I’m tired so none of this is going to make sense or follow any pattern. I feel like I’m drowning in a big vat of negativity, anger, stress, sadness, regret, woulda, coulda, shoulda’s and cynicism…(is that even a word or spelled right? I don’t know, but I do know that I am cynical.) I read somewhere that Being Cynical is Just Being Realistic. I’m just so jaded and I just feel like bopping all these naive, happy people on the head.

I’m not always like this, just every now and then. I don’t show this side to anyone, so I’m glad I can vent it out here. People just see the crazy, fun, outgoing, loud, bubbly, happy, friendly, carefree me. The me that’s inside my bubble, not thinking about anything deep or dealing with crap.

I’m such a manic depressive. Right now I’m on my way down.. wait a day or so and I’ll be on my way up again… then I’ll be the happy fun loving person that everyone thinks they know. I just need to retreat back into my little bubble again.

I use to live in this bubble my entire life, even when I was little. It’s how I deal with stuff I don’t want to deal with. It’s where I feel safe. I still retreat to it and live most of my life in it. I’m very imaginative so I just have running daydreams that play out in my head like a TV that’s never turned off. As long as the TV is running I can function and I’m happy…well… temporarily. But every now and then I get snapped out of it. Reality kicks me in the ass, drags me around and makes me eat dirt until I can safely escape back into the warm, comfort and familiarity of my bubble. Sounds weird, stupid, but it’s how I cope with disappointment. It’s the only way I know how to do it. So right now at this moment, I am in reality and I don’t like it. I try to push myself back into the bubble, but something is not letting me retreat. I’m annoyed, because right now I feel a rush of feelings wash over me like the Tsunami and all I want to do is escape. Where the HELL is my Smallville site when I need it! I swear I so wish I was Darth Vader, but then again if I was people in my life would be dead a thousand times over, especially my mother and Ryan.

I’ve made so many bad choices and decisions in my life. I feel like I had so much potential, but I just got lost and now I’m trying to stumble back on the road that I had carved out for myself as a teenager but I’m so far off that I just don’t know which way is north. When I was a teenager I’d contemplate suicide…but now that I have kids, I just contemplate death by car accident or E-coli or salmonella poisoning or West Nile… but only when I’m having a really, really, really horrible, down day. Cuz suicide would really f*ck them up, but a death would probably too, but it probably wouldn’t be as bad as suicide… besides, suicide is a bad example for them. Death is more like… “aww geez too bad.” I just don’t want to screw my kids up.

I struggle with perfectionism. That too I blame on my mother. “What you only got 97%? What you got 1 wrong on your test? You knew that one! Why didn’t you get 100%?” I was an honor student, but still not good enough. I wasn’t as good as my older brother Hans. Who’s off the chart smart. I love him and respect the guy, but I feel like egging him sometimes cuz he was just too smart. He uses such big words that having a conversation with him is such a strain. I always tell him to dumbify it for me or to slow down cuz I didn’t find the last big word he said in my dictionary… how do you spell that? Anyway, my mother’s nagging, angry voice still blares in my brain all these years later. I’m sure that she did the best she could, and I shouldn’t harbor angry feelings toward her, but I still do. I’m working on it.

This trip to the Philippines has put me over the edge with her. Before we went on this trip I was on speaking terms with her and I actually enjoyed talking to her. For once in the past few months our conversations were not angry and she didn’t hang up on me… she’s such a child. She always hangs up the phone and never hears me out or tries to understand my position or where I’m coming from. B*tch.

She psychotic and I don’t want to turn into her. Unfortunately I hear myself talk to my kids the way my nutso mother talked to me and it just PISSES me off. I get so angry at myself for doing that. I do apologize to my kids when I lose it and yell, something that my mother never did. I do try to warn my kids that I’m starting to get angry so they settle down. “I’m getting angry now, please stop.” I sit and try to talk it out calmly with them, again something my mother never did with me. But when I do get those angry feelings they wash over me like a torrent rain storm. I feel like I’m such a bad mother. I’m still so selfish, I wish I could figure out how to help my kids not be so selfish so they don’t turn out angry and resentful like me when they get older. I hate the fact that I’m not this sweet, quiet, demur Mary Poppins mother, but that so isn’t me.

*sigh* I want to be a good mother. All my kids’ friends congregate here at the house. My house is the place to hang out. So I guess that makes me feel good that they feel comfortable here.

I try to do mommy - daughter dates with Laura so I can try to create a bond with her that I never had with my mother. I wish my husband would cooperate (but that’s a whole nother blah, blah, blah) so he could take the boys while her and I just went out. She so desperately needs attention. My time just seems swamped and taken over by the little kids. I think maybe I will try to put the boys to bed early and have a little candle light picnic of cookies n’ milk in front of the fireplace with wine goblets and fancy plates.

My friends say I’m the queen of the kitchen. Well, I do like to bake and cook. I hate the crap cookies that stores try to make. So I always make sure there are cookies, banana bread and cinnamon buns fresh on hand whenever they ask for it. However, being a good cook has it’s downsides too. It’s hard for me to go to restaurants cuz a lot of restaurants out there cook crap. I think they just went over to the toilet, scooped some out, added a little pepper and salt then dish it out… Have some a la crapola. It’s delicious. It’s also hard to go over to people’s houses too. People are cooing over their food and I’m like seriously? are they serious? This lump of regurgitated meat is suppose to be good? *sigh* now I’m just being mean… be nice, be nice. I just like to do the entertaining. It’s easier, that way I don’t have to lie. “Wow! This is salmon?! I’ve never tasted it quite like this before!”

Speaking of cinnamon buns, I think people are being retarded over them. I think they’ve taken a life of their own. People talk about them like they are eating a piece of heaven or something… it’s stupid. I hate it when people ask me to bake some for them… I’m usually pretty gracious and I’ll do it but I get annoyed. Cuz if I’m in the mood and I bake them and take some over whatever, but don’t freakn’ ask me, hint at it or constantly harass me about it. I do them when I feel like it, I’m not the Pillsbury Doughboy. I guess I just don’t take compliments well cuz I just always think that it could be better. ..mind you there are days on the upswing when I think they are pretty damn good and I’m the Queen, but then usually something comes along to bash me across the head to humble me again… like I’ll burn the cookies to which Ryan rejoices cuz he loves hard almost burned cookies. It reminds him of when he was a kid he says…. but his mother is just a bad cook…. but that’s another rant on it’s own.

I love Simple Plan.

It’s an amazing band. I swear their songs tap into every emotion and thought that I have. Especially, “Shut up” dedicated to my mother, “Untitled” although it’s about drinking and driving, I more relate it to my present situation of being right now. “Welcome to my life” same thing my life right now. “Perfect” dedicated once again to my mother. “I don’t want to think about you” dedicated to Ryan. I really hope they go to Calgary, I’m definitely going to go see them. I’d stand in line… They’re Canadian. They just rock. They are awesome!

So since coming back from the Philippines I’m glad I’m home, but all the problems that were here when I left are unfortunately still here. I said this to Ryan and I say it again, we are great as a couple and on vacation, but when you throw kids into the mix along with reality of the real life, we just don’t work well together. All the old issues have come up and I’m pissed… “What’s new?” he says. Sometimes, I just want to walk away and divorce his sorry ass. If he wasn’t so damn good looking and charming I would’ve left a long time ago. *sigh*

Marriage is such hard work. I fell for his looks and that’s such a bad thing to do, cuz I had rose colored glasses and refused to deal with his imperfections to see if I could actually handle and deal with all that sh*t. I’m such an idiot. In a fight the other day he said, “You look at me like you don’t like me anymore, maybe even hate me. You think I’m an idiot and a loser with a bad job.” Ya know, he nailed it. Right on the nose. I just looked at him. I didn’t deny it, cuz I DO think he’s such a not-smart. I have no respect for him at all. He has let me down time and time again, and quite frankly I’m sick of it. I’ve distanced myself from him and have placed him behind a very tall wall and I don’t know if he will ever be able to climb over it or if I will be able to climb over it.

He’s hurt me too many times that I just don’t trust him. He lies to me even though he doesn’t call it lying… I forget what he calls it but he’s the KING of EXCUSES. He’s such a sweet talker and good B.S’er. He can get himself out of any situation like slippery soap. Seriously… he should have been a lawyer. He’s able to twist the truth so that it turns out that I’m the crazy one, the sky really is Purple and OMG dogs do speak!

I’ve told him this to his face. I’m honest… maybe too honest, but I’m desperately trying to get him to see my point of view before it’s too late and I distance myself even further. I feel like I’m swimming along a dark murky river, gulping dirty water frantically trying to swim for shore, but the current keeps getting faster and keeps dragging me further away.

The other night we went to see “Batman Begins.” AWESOME! AMAZING!PHENOMENAL! Best movie I’ve seen since the 1st Matrix. Where you come out of it going, “Wow! I wanna be the Batman! I wanna have a Batmobile! I want the cool toys! I wanna go all kung-fu and kick ass!” Thankfully it didn’t have too many stupid mushy romantic scenes which just makes my stomach curl up and gag.

I hated Spiderman2 because he’s an idiot to keep pinning away after Mary Jane… get the freak over her and MOVE ON! GAH! I hated the last installment. I felt like I wanted to punch Al & Miles. Bring on more action not stupid Peter Parker feeling sorry for himself because some chick won’t jump his bones. Hell, there were tones of other women screamn’ for him. Pick one of those! I just don’t get it. Stupid, just plain stupid… but I’m sure they needed to market it towards the women which pisses me off. Stupid women.

I’m a woman, but I dunno, I hate chick flicks and sappy movies… they just make me gag. If it’s well done I don’t mind, but I haven’t seen one of those in forever. Last chick flick I liked was “Titanic”… I think… oh ya, and “Ever After”. If I’m feeling especially cranky I like to watch Ever After cuz then I can watch it with the kids. It’s fairy tale, but at least Drew Barrymore kicks ass and doesn’t just sit there and say, “Oh, oh, poor me.” She picks up a sword and kicks ass. She has guts, she says what’s on her mind and doesn’t take any prisoners. I like that. Women that don’t stick up for themselves drive me crazy and make me angry. I just feel like slapping them.

Even some of my friends, whine that their husbands don’t do this or that…
“well, did you tell him how you feel? Did you tell him how he hurts your feelings?”
uhh…no.. ”
Well then how the hell are they suppose to know if you don’t tell them! They are not mind readers!”
Duh! It’s not rocket science people. I’m not the smartest apple on the tree and I’ve figured that one out. *I have no patience with people that don’t speak their mind.*

ANYWAY…I loved the Batman, because they kept the stupid love blah blah to a minimum and instead focused on him and working through his fear and anger. Maybe I just related to the Batman that’s why I love it so much. I loved it! I saw it on the IMAX and it was amazing. I felt like I was IN the movie. Just wonderful. It was funny, sad, had awesome action, drama, and made you think. I just thought it was incredible.

I’m going to take my kids to see it. They might be a little young, but they’ve seen both Spiderman’s so I’m sure they can deal with it. Laura is 7 and Josh is 4. It’s not too scary so I think they’ll be fine…. hmm…well, maybe they can close their eyes and peek with one eye open when the people have their nightmares…and if they have problems with it.. ah well.. that’s what counseling is for… lol.. “my mom took me to see batman cuz I begged her everyday and I got scared, even though she told me it was scary. Now I’m 20 and I still pee my pants when I dream of zombies attacking..” *sigh* I’m such a bad mother.

Anyway, back to ranting about’ my husband… so we’re driving back from seeing the Batman and I start talking to him and telling him how I really feel. It’s hard to open my heart up to him especially since I’ve been so closed off and protective of what’s really been bothering me. I just put everything out on the table and tried to explain what I was going through. He listened quietly and let me say my peace, which is what I also love about him because he always listens and doesn’t interrupt. I know he was listening to me intently and not just staring off into the darkened black road we were heading down.

I told him that I didn’t trust him. There have been affairs running rampant out here and they have affected like 8 couples that I know in the past year. That’s 30+ kids whose lives have been given a jolt because one of their parents couldn’t keep their pants on and go to counseling or talk to their spouse about what’s troubling them. Idiots. But I’m still on edge and it makes me suspicious of him. Even though that’s stupid and in my head, I just don’t want to be a stat.

Ryan doesn’t come home early anymore. His version of early is 7pm. Lately it’s been 8, 9, 10, 11pm before he finally graces us with his presence…actually ever since we got back from the Philippines he’s been coming home that late. It makes me suspicious, but he’s always got a good reason/excuse. In my heart of hearts I don’t want to think that’s he’s cheating, but honestly how long can you really work out in the evening? I don’t think that he would cheat, but who knows?

I’ve told him that if he does cheat and I do find out I’m going to drug him with the date-rape drug, then beat him with the cast iron frying pan. Then I would castrate him.. LOL.. I went into detail on how it’s done. I use to help my mother do it all the time at the farm to the animals so I actually do know. It makes him squeamish…lol… sadistic, evil… yep, that’s why I always say, I’m the nicest, most generous person, just don’t make me mad. You wouldn’t like it when I get mad.

Anyway, so I’m pouring my heart out, but I don’t know if I turned the light on. It’s still dim in his house. He didn’t get it. He just said : paraphrasing and then interpreting it as I heard it: sucks to be me if I don’t let anyone in all the way. It’s no way to live and I shouldn’t do that. *DUH* I know that, but I’m trying hard to change that and that’s why I opened up to him. Anyway, he shut me down a few more times by his little asinine comments and the needles that flew out from his mouth. It hurt my feelings so I stopped and clink, clink up went a few more bricks.

*sigh* and the evening started out so good…
and in typical Ryan fashion he says, “I’m tired of talking, I want to go to bed. Are you done?”
uhh… no…
“oh” Big sigh.
forget it.
“What? what did I say?”
More like what you didn’t say dumbass! I thought it, but I didn’t say it. What’s the use of starting an argument now.
I went downstairs once we got home and drowned myself in my DTS pages until the wee hours of the morning when the ache had been pushed down far enough that it wouldn’t come up to slap me in the face repeatedly.

Bleary eyed and exhausted I passed out once my head hit the pillow. Everything has been pushed down into the hollow pit of my heart. I can now sleep…

I can see why people say they fell out of love. It takes work and if people don’t connect on an emotional level, it just dies. Physically we are doing fine. I’ll usually always put out. Very rarely do I say no… hence the 4 kids in 8 years. I’m of the opinion of like hey if I’m not in the mood: help yourself, I’m yours for the taking. If I’m sleeping just roll me over and go nuts, I’ll wake up. Of late I want it more often than he does. Baby come on over…Ahh.. the glory of being 30. He connects on the physical level, but I connect on the emotional level and my emotional needs and wants are not being met right now.

Intelligence is a real turn on for me, as is good looks, but I feel like the rose colored glasses were on so thickly that I thought he was the smartest, hottest guy around that I couldn’t take them off for a sec to realize that he’s blowing smoke. Smoke n’ mirrors, smoke n’ mirrors. I’m tired, sad and disgruntled… and I’m being bitchy.. but hey at least I’m a skinny bitch. hahaha.. our friend Guy who’s French calls me a “skinny bitch” with his thick French accent and I think that’s just hilarious. Cuz well… it’s true. I can be a bitch, don’t get me mad… hell hath no wrath like me… It’s the German in me… brings out the Hitler side.

*sigh* I have more issues than Rolling Stone magazine.

I hate these damn pink flowers on this border. I love lilies, but I hate pink. The pink is driving me nuts. Why can’t they be red, or white? I want to go back to school and learn all about computers, web design, etc. I think it would be interesting and I just want to know everything about it so I don’t have to screw around for hours at a time trying to figure something out. It makes me so annoyed that I can’t just read a book and retain all the info I read just like Will on Good Will Hunting. I swear I’m getting Alzheimer’s. I can’t remember anything to save my life. The more kids I have the stupider I get. I swear, they suck brain cells from me.

And another thing damnit! I’ve had 4 kids and I’m not fat, I’m about 10 lbs. heavier than I was when I was 20. I was 113lbs at 20 now at 30 I’m 123. I was 119lbs when I came back from the Philippines, but I keep baking those damn cookies. damn them and all their sugar! Whatever I still look good in my little red dress. I just need to get out and walk more and tone up. That and Mya is only 9 months old. I know I’ll lose it and be back down to 115lbs.

I want to start running again. I feel so free when I run. You run your heart out and push yourself till your body is screaming for relief… it’s such a great rush. A friend of mine is training for a marathon and I would love to join her, once Mya stops nursing I’m going to start training.

People are always amazed when they see that I have 4 kids…
“Are they all yours?”
No, I just picked up a couple because I like changing stinky diapers for fun, having snotty shirts, doing lots of laundry and having my house destroyed on a daily basis you moron.
*sigh* but unfortunately I don’t say that… instead I just snark,
“ya, my husband keeps knocking me up… ya know the pull out and pray method doesn’t work very well.”
hehe.. which I so enjoy saying cuz I get the funniest reactions sometimes… especially from the old ladies… ha. The look on their faces is priceless… ah… all for the shock value…

Another time I was at the park and this lady asked me how I liked having a day care.
“Oh no, these are all mine!,” I reply.
“Really! You don’t look like you could have 4 kids. You don’t look like a mom”
Why? Cuz I’m not fat? What the hell does that mean? Is there some sort of mommy mold you’re suppose to jump into when you have kids? Am I suppose to wear frumpy clothes and walk around with wicked witch of the east hair?
I’ve gotten that a few times and quite frankly it annoys the hell out of me. I don’t know why. I haven’t sat down to process that one yet.

When we went to the Batman movie I brought Mya cuz I’m still nursing her so I can’t leave her with the baby sitter. So we go to sit down and people around us give us dirty looks and some even moved. I felt like saying bite me! I turned to the people beside me who were staring at me and said, “Don’t worry, she won’t say a word during the movie. She’ll fall asleep, she’s use to loud noises at home. We’ve been taking her to the movies since she was 1 week old. I wouldn’t be here if I thought she would even whimper.” To which they smiled and nodded. I’m sure they were thinking, “bitch, for ruining the movie.” Well, once the movie started she was instantly out and sleeping. Even through the booms, crashes and explosions. Didn’t peep or utter a word. The lights go up at the end of the movie and people all around us say surprisingly..
“wow, we didn’t even hear your baby!”
“She didn’t even cry!”
“I forgot you even brought a baby!”
To which I’d snark: Ya, I dipped her soother in Vodka so she’d pass out.
ha, that always gets a good reaction too.

Idiots. This world is filled with idiots. There’s just too many of them. They are taking over and for some reason I keep running into them. *sigh*

I feel darkness creeping in. I need to snap out of it before I turn into Darth Vader…. then again… that is a good idea…