So I’ve been mulling over what to do with the rest of my life now that I’m done being the poster woman for "BreadersR’Us" and I’m racking my little brain with a million questions like: What do I want to do? Do I want a career? What can I do that will allow me to travel? What can I do that will fuel my passion for life? I want to do so many things… where do I start?… HOW do I start?
I’m so excited cuz I feel like it’s a new era of my life. Yes, I still have the kids but for the first time in 10 years I’m not pregnant or breastfeeding!!!!!! I STILL have the same body I had before I had kids… well + 5lbs. Big deal. Instead of 115 now I’m 120. I’ve got my health. The hamster is running a bit sluggishly but it just hasn’t been used in so long. I feel Alzheimer’s coming on… eek! But I’m hoping once I start using my brain, the synapses will hopefully relight.
So I was watching a few Wentworth Miller interviews on YouTube and came across this radio interview he did with a couple of hilarious DJ’s from Australia. They asked him if people should pursue their dreams…
Radio Interview
He says, "I do, but you have to be realistic at the same time, It’s one thing to have a pipe dream about being an Olympic gold medalist and it’s another to have this burning what if question that wakes you up at 3 in the morning if you don’t try to at least answer that in at some point in your life in some quantifiable legitimate way, shape or form, if you’re always going to be haunted by it, then it’s something you need to address."
For some reason that just really hit home. I’ve got to get all those crazy ideas/dreams and things I’ve wanted to do out of my system. Now I can start planning and making smaller goals to reach my bigger goals. So thanks Went!
I was also reading articles on him, trying to find out more about HIM, not the characters he plays, but Wenworth - his attitude, his characteristics… the guy is very smart and is well spoken.
I came across this quote:
"What’s cool about being of mixed race is that you’re kind of a lone ranger, caught between two worlds, doing your own thing." Wentworth Miller.
Once again, he has said something that made me think. This quote hit home like a blow to the stomach. Being of mixed race myself I always considered myself an outsider - a loner. Never belonging to either world. As embarrassing as this is to say, I’ve was ashamed of who I was and who my parents were. I desperately wanted to be "normal" and to be just like my classmates who were all white.
I remember being in Grade 1 and all throughout elementary, but especially in the younger grades crying myself to sleep at night because I had black hair and tanned skin. When my mom would come into the room to see what was the matter I would blame her because of the way I looked…I would sob till I hyperventilated. She would get mad at me and tell me that I was being silly, that I was beautiful and shouldn’t listen to what anyone else said. She didn’t understand. No one understood.
I thought I was normal and my family was normal until I went to school. I would get comments like, "THAT’s your dad?!?’ He looks like your grandpa!" and "THAT’s your mom and dad?!?" Not only was there the different cultural mix, but also the difference in age. My dad was 61 and my mom was 27 when I was born…. that’s a story for another day….
As an adult looking back, it doesn’t matter that I’m a mix…. but to a 6 year old, it mattered. I was the only one in my class with black hair. Everyone else was blonde or had brown hair. I even remember praying that God would change my hair to brown or blonde overnight….That’s crazy.
Thinking back at the sad little girl I was, to the more confident person I am now, I am so glad God didn’t answer that plea from a 6 year old. I love my hair now and my tanned skin. I never sunburn, I just tan. As an adult I always get compliments from people about how they love my hair and wish they could have hair like mine. Thank goodness for product! Now I can have it crazy curly, wavy or stick straight. Although when I do get complimented, I’m very suspicious. Never knowing whether or not to take it seriously. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t teased as a kid. It was my own mind, ME! My messed up mind that made me think there was something wrong with me. Could it be the constant verbal abuse I got as a child that I was never good enough? Could it be the false images of what I thought was pretty and what wasn’t? *sigh* I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Throughout the years, I’ve been able to turn the innocent question of, "What’s your nationality?" from a feeling of humiliation to one of pride. Now I don’t even blink. Sometimes I like to turn it into a game and make people guess. I get everything from Spanish to native to Japanese. No one can pin it down. It’s fun game for me.
There are days however, when I feel that childhood sadness and anger bubble up to the surface. At times it lasts for hours or for days and I’m plunged into darkness. A darkness so deep where the imperfections of myself and the frustrations of my life, of who I am and what I’ve become are hard to handle. You are your worst critic and I’m a huge critic. Darkness swirls about me like a monster circling, waiting to pounce and suck the life out of me. I hold it at bay by sleeping. It’s the only way I know how to cope with the darkness and the negative thinking. Looking into the mirror, I detest the one peering back. At times I like what I see and more often than not I don’t. I see all the could’ve, would’ve and should’ve in my life. No hope. No faith. Just a darkness so deep it’s suffocating.
A ray of sunlight breaks through the darkness and pulls me to the surface for a moment with the sweet words, "Mommy, I love you sooooooooooo much." My 3 year old wraps her little chubby arms around my neck and gives me a kiss. She pulls me safely back into my protective bubble and for awhile everything is good again. But the darkness is always there surrounding me…waiting…waiting ever so patiently to pull me back down to the depths of despair.
So why do I like Wentworth’s quote?
"What’s cool about being of mixed race is that you’re kind of a lone ranger, caught between two worlds, doing your own thing."
Well, it’s taken awhile and at times it’s a daily struggle, but I guess it’s validation. That it’s ok to be an individual….To be different….To stand out and be me…. To like me for who I am…. For what I have been through and to not let it hinder my journey from here to there. To move forward, with hope and faith…because without hope and faith the darkness will destroy you.
