The journey between here and there

Usually I’ve got things planned out months in advance of what I will do for Ryan’s bday. I’m a planner. It’s what I do. However, this year, I flew by the seat of my pants and things didn’t come together until 2 days before…. and it turned out to be the best birthday yet.

Ryan has everything. If he doesn’t have it he just goes out and buys it for himself. He doesn’t have hobbies besides working out. He doesn’t like traveling, he is a workaholic and he is very hard to buy for. Usually for his birthday I do what I want to do on my birthday and just live vicariously through his birthday since he always forgets my birthday and never plans anything.

This year I called up the Fairmont Palliser Hotel in Calgary and booked the 350 sq. ft. Fairmont Gold King Room on the Concierge level with a private lounge, breakfast and all kinds of awesomeness thrown in. It only cost me $211 because there was a sale going on. Normally that room is $500/night. I was pretty proud of myself for finding such a fabulous deal. I also booked brunch at the Rimrock.

There is a new lingerie store in town that opened. I stopped in after work and they have THE cutest, sexiest stuff in there! They order all their stuff from Lingerie Diva. They have got the cutest stuff. I hate ordering online cuz I’m a try it on kinda girl. So I’m so glad they finally have a store in town that sells cute stuff. I got a couple outfits, leather boots that went up to my knees and figured he would love it. Kinda for me, kinda for him. Really, it’s a win-win.

He came home from work and fell asleep on the bed. I packed us a suitcase and put everything in the back of the Sequoia. Woke him up and we went out to The Keg for dinner. Bleh. After that experience I have now put the Keg on my banned restaurant list. It was gross. From the appetizers to the dessert. Nothing was good. We are used to going out to better places and now the Keg is not up there in good food. Caesar’s is THE best steak house in town. I love Caesar’s. So that’s where I’ll be going from now on. Normally, I would have taken him to Caesar’s or The Vintage, but he got a gift card from his trainer so we figured we better use it up. We have a tendency to get gift cards then not do anything with them and they expire.

After a disappointing meal, I hopped in the drivers seat and drove downtown. hehehe… Ryan hates it when I drive. It stresses him out, but I enjoy watching him squirm and be uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because this is the only thing I do to him that makes him annoyed that I relish in the fact that he is irked. He’s so easy going and mellow that nothing I do bugs him and that irritates me. I’m evil I suppose.

“So where do you want to go?” I asked him.

“Let’s go to a sleazy hotel that charges by the hour!” He smiles and looks at me mischievously.

I scoff. “Fat chance. That’s not gonna happen.” I retort. “I’ve got much better plans than that.”

We carry on a light conversation as I fly down the Deerfoot and Ryan makes random comments about my driving.

“So how’s it going stranger?…..what are you doing? The mirrors are here… you should have adjusted them BEFORE we left not now……. We haven’t seen each other much…. stay in your lane…. how’s been your week?……would you stay in your lane?…..work has been so crazy……slow down, you’re going too fast……how’s work for you?” Is what comes out of his mouth as I drive.

“Just so you know. I think I’m a fabulous driver!” I retort and ignore all his driving comments.

“All the bad drivers think they are fabulous.” Is his terse reply.

He’s hanging on to the ‘holy shiz’ bars and his facial muscles are tense. I grin to myself in satisfaction that he is so uncomfortable. I think it’s my crazy messed up, passive aggressive mind making him pay for all the grief that he bestows upon me. My own little way of revenge…. hehehe… and on his birthday yet. HA!

I go downtown and I’m trying to find the hotel, but there is so much construction on the road that I have to go down a few blocks, then circle back. I circle the hotel a couple of times waiting for a spot to clear up in the valet parking spot.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?…… I wish you’d let me drive…… Watch out! You’re such a crazy driver….. Do you even know where you are going? ……Watch out for the curb…..I can’t believe you hit the curb…..You need to turn wider…..Good driver huh?…… Look out for that construction cone….. Didn’t you see it? … Look out my window to see if anyone is coming? Seriously! …….. You’re giving me a heart attack.” Are Ryan’s comments from the passenger seat as I try to navigate through downtown.

I hate driving downtown.

So I finally pull up and park in front of the hotel.

“Here we are!” I chirp, all grins and smiles. “Happy Birthday babe!”

He looks relieved that we have finally stopped and when he sees the hotel he grins from ear to ear. The Palliser is THE best hotel in Calgary. We have always wanted to stay here… well… I have anyway. Finally, tonight is the night. I’m so crazy excited to stay here.

The valet is all dressed up with a hat and tux. He comes over to take our bags. I’m giggling and chattering away.

“So, did you guess? Did you know. Great surprise huh? Did you have a clue? I kept it pretty quiet huh! I’m so excited I kept this secret to myself! Happy Birthday! Isn’t this awesome! I’m so pumped! I got a smokin’ deal too! We have to go to the 8th floor to check in! Our own private check in! hehehe….” I’m bouncing about happy as can be.

We go up the stairs and through the doors. Soft music is playing, chandelieres, gorgeous carpet, plush chairs, couches, flowers and sculptures greet us as we pass through the lobby. The dark, warm wood is hand carved with intricate flowers and scrolling. The ceilings are vaulted and carved as well.

We hop in the elevator to head up to the 8th floor. Without saying a word Ryan kisses me until the elevator stops. “Thank you! This is the best birthday ever!” He whispers into my ear.

Giggling I get out of the elevator looking all over and taking in the beautiful woodwork that is all around. We are greeted at the desk. The lady gives us our room key, tell us all about the Gold Club Perks and shows us where the breakfast will be served in the morning. I’m just ecstatic. I go into the breakfast room, grab some tea and cookies to take back up to our room.

We are on the 11th floor. 1138. We come up to a large, tall, white door. I’m so pumped out of my mind. I’ve always wanted to stay here. This is just magical to me. I’m soaking every moment in and trying to commit everything to memory.

We enter the room and it’s HUGE! It’s beautiful. We are on the top floor and we have 3 large windows with long stripped curtains. There is a love seat, arm chair, desk, a King bed, a huge closet, TV, and everything just looked elegant. Prior to our arrival they put a lemon meringue pie all done up fancy with the words, “Happy Birthday” written in chocolate on the plate with chocolate hearts adorning each side of the word. They also had a card addressed to Ryan.

I poked my head into all the little nooks and crannies, exploring the room, chattering and exclaiming, “Oh my goodness! Check this out!”

Ryan just smiled and watched me explore the room, look out the windows and sit on all the furniture. He plopped himself on the bed, waiting patiently for me to finish exploring the room.

I gave him a gift to open, which was a black Mexx button down shirt.

I grabbed the suitcase and headed towards the bathroom.

“I’ll be right back! I’m gonna go explore the bathroom and see what fancy shmancy stuff they have in here!” I chirp as I swiftly enter the bathroom and close the door. I do spend time exploring the bathroom to see what stuff they have given us.

Then I get into my little ‘outfit’. Trying to decide which one to wear took a little bit because I couldn’t figure out what outfit to put on first. Then trying to do up all the clasps, ties, snaps, etc. just takes forever.

Ryan finally turned on the TV since I was taking forever trying to get this crazy stuff on.

I sauntered out of the bathroom and Ryan’s eyes almost popped out of his head. I have never seen him react this way.

Needless to say, we had a fantastic evening.

In the morning, my early bird woke up at the crack of dawn it seemed like. 9:30am may not be early, but we had a long night. I was exhausted. I told him to go to breakfast without me cuz I wanted to sleep in more.

He happily went up, ate a fabulous breakfast and read the paper from front to back. Something he hasn’t been able to do in years.

After laying in bed for another hour I woke up, hopped into the shower, got ready and slipped into another outfit then perched myself on the couch awaiting his return.

He came back with orange juice, fruit, smoked salmon, croissants, cheese and a bagel for me. Awwww…. how sweet. The breakfast buffet had ended and I missed it so he brought me breakfast to the room.

Once again his eyes grew huge and same with his smile once he laid eyes on me and my new outfit.

I’m so glad I booked a hotel, cuz you can’t pull this kind of stunt when there are 5 kids roaming about.

We had a fabulous morning and Ryan loved his birthday surprises.

We checked out at 12:20pm and headed out to The Rimrock for brunch. It was AMAZING. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVED this brunch. It was incredible. So delicious. I wish I could eat lots more, but my tummy only lets me eat so much and I wish I could have grazed here all day long.

We got our bags and vehicle from the concierge and headed off to pick up the kids for our family pictures.

After we picked up the kids we got to Heritage Park and they had closed access to where we wanted to have our pictures taken. I sweet talked the security guard into letting us go into the park to take pictures. He let us drive into the park. We had the entire place all to ourselves. It was awesome! We took pictures on an old car, a few of the various buildings and it was just an absolute blast! Arlee is such an great photographer. It was a lot of fun. It was chilly and we made it through the 2 hours of pictures.

After we went to see “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.” It was a cute kids movie. We came home and the kids made Ryan a card and we cut his cake. I put the $100 Ikea gift card in kids card as a gift from the kids. Ryan has wanted to get some sort of closet thingy from Ikea. I couldn’t figure out what he wanted based on his description so I figured that he could just buy it himself.

All in all, I think it was an excellent birthday. Operation Birthday Surprise was a great success. I think we should do this every year, because I had an excellent time as well.

So I took the kids to see “Shorts” tonite and we also caught the tail end of “G.I. Joe” which I thought was good for an adaptation of a kids tv show.

Ryan said he would stay home with Luke because Luke was a bear today and he had passed out for a nap, thankfully, in our bed. This would give him the chance to finish the bathroom downstairs. He would clean up the tools, wipe out the gunk all over the floor and get the toilet working in the basement bathroom.

I come home and Ryan wanders out of the TV room. I peek into the bathroom and besides water in the toilet bowl (all he had to do was turn the water on). I just glared at him not saying a word.

“What? You went to the movies so I wanted to watch one to.” is his feeble response. He flashes me his charming grins, but they have long since worn off and no longer work on me.

I just roll my eyes. “Well, if you wanted to watch a movie, I would have brought you with us. You were the one that wanted to stay home.”

“I know, I just wanted to snuggle with Luke and spend some quality time with Luke.” He counters.

I shake my head still glaring. “Watch T.V. with Luke is not quality time.” I grumble as I turn and head up the stairs to usher the kids into their night routine of packing school lunches, finding boots, coats, mitts, gloves, agendas and everything they need for school tomorrow.

A little while later in the evening after the kids are all tucked in, things have been found, placed by the door, lunches packed, clothes picked out for the morning and everyone is ready to go, I am feeling very satisfied that my night routine actually worked. Whoo hoo! Hooray for 1st times.

Ryan opens the bathroom door to our ensuite and steam comes rushing out looking for an escape. I’m folding the kids clothes and putting them away in their drawers.

“What’s with the marathon shower and bath?” I ask. Not really caring, but just amused that he has taken an hour in the bathroom.

“Oh, I have tendonitis in my arms and hands. So I was just trying to loosen it up….. ” he explains…

“Hmmm…. that’s too bad. You ok?” I inquire, now curious of this new aliment he has seemed to pick up.

“Ya, it will get better. That’s why I couldn’t clean the basement floor in the bathroom. My tendonitis was really acting up and it hurt to pick things up.” He explains.

I sigh and say drily, “Ya know, you are the KING of excuses. You need to write a book, “1001 excuses that sound legitimate.” You never fail to amaze me with the excuses you can come up with for not doing something. It is a gift really.”

He laughs. “What?” he asks innocently. “At least I give you an excuse. You don’t even mention anything.”

“Well, 1st of all, why should I make some sort of passive aggressive excuse? It’s frustrating and annoying. And secondly, if I just didn’t feel like doing something, I just don’t. I don’t need to excuse myself. You don’t ask. I don’t offer a lame ass excuse. Even if you did ask I would just say that I didn’t feel like it. It’s called honesty Ryan. You should try it some time.” I grumbled glaring at him and his train of thought.

He drives me mental.

He just grins his goofy grin at me. I just shake my head and keep folding laundry. Sheesh.

Is it bad to love not having Ryan around when I go camping…. or ever? I went to Sandy McNab and Writing On Stone without him and had the time of my life! I was relaxed, had a routine down, everything was fun, light and simple. I just went on my own time schedule and didn’t have to go Ryan’s time. I just absolutely loved it. I love camping at WOS. It was the best camp site ever! The kids ran to the hoodoos and to the river back and forth all day. They had water gun fights and I loved the camp ground cuz the only extra fees to camping there was treating the kids to an ice cream or a slushie when it was hot out. We saw deer, rabbits, a raccoon came and ate our dog food at night. The weather was perfect, hot and the days went by wonderfully.

I called Ryan on our last day to make sure he was coming out or Shauna was coming out to pick us all up. He whined that he missed us. I told him that the kids missed him, but I didn’t cuz he just stresses me out so much.

FOR EXAMPLE… we get back from camping. We had been gone for 4 days.

4.

1.2.3.4 days.

The day we left I was running around getting everything ready to go and the kids left a couple glasses of milk on the table. When I got back the glasses were STILL on the table, the milk had turned sour, all curdled with fruit flies in them loving life. The dishes hadn’t been emptied out of the dishwasher, dishes were piled in the sink and the one thing I asked him to do before he left, called and reminded him AND left him a note on the fridge… he didn’t do… what was it? Take out the recycling and the trash on Wednesday.

It’s not rocket science. So I instantly was annoyed when I got home. I talked to him about it and asked him why he didn’t do it… he forgot… he was too busy… he went from work to the gym to bed… he was hardly around.… those were his excuses… so then later we’re talking and he then begins to talk about the movies he watched while we were away. That’s when I snapped. So he had time to watch 4 movies, yet he couldn’t take the time to put the glasses of milk in the sink and rinse it out? He passes the table EVERY MORNING on his way to the fridge where he grabs his fruit and milk for his shake every morning and evening. He couldn’t move the garbage pails outside? Holy hell…. I was furious.

So then I make dinner. Steak, stir fry, rice. So yummy. After dinner he just gets up and leaves. Doesn’t clean his plate or bring it to the sink. The kids bring their plate to the sink, but he doesn’t. His excuse? I forgot I was too tired. Seriously…. so am I! Yet I’m left to constantly clean up after him AND the kids. He’s an idiot. I can’t stand living with him. I wish we could live in separate houses.

Marriage sucks. I hate it. Men just stop trying once they figure they’ve got you. It sucks. I’m so sick of it. I’ve tried talking to him several times and he just plays dumb or he has a million excuses as to why he can’t help or his inability to continue to ‘date’ me.

I’d rather be by myself and depend on no one but myself than to turn to him and constantly be disappointed. He always lies to me and makes promises he can’t keep. I’m just so sick of it.

And no matter how unloving and mean I am towards him, he still sticks around and thinks life is the best ever. I’m just flabbergasted and exasperated. He never fights with me. He always avoids confrontation. Just tells me what I want to hear. He’s a total hard core passive aggressive. I hate it.

I constantly plan out his funeral in my mind. Is that bad? I think so…. *sigh* I’ve figure out what I’d say, what I would do, where people would sit, who I’d invite, the food, the music, what I’d do after,…. go on a trip. Take the life insurance and play hard. Invest it and just travel…. I haven’t picked out exactly WHERE in the cemetery to bury him, so I suppose that’s a good sign…. mental note… next time I go on a run, run by the cemetery to scope it out.

He’s just an idiot and I’m tired of living with an idiot. It’s so frustrating. But do you give up financial security or do you give up personal happiness? I dunno. It’s hard. I’ve got 5 kids. Ryan would be a total prick to deal with if we got divorced and I know he wouldn’t pay child support. The kids would have to live with him, although it would be so hard for them cuz he’d never be around and he’d make Laura do everything. There’s 5 of them. It’s not like there’s just 1.

I wish I could have an open marriage. We’d stay together for the sake of the kids, but just go out and date and do whatever we wanted. *sigh* again… I’m sure that’s a bad thought. I just have so many bad thoughts. It’s really getting hard to control them all… thank goodness I’m not Darth Vader.

That and I don’t feel like dealing with his issues. I found more crap on my computer when I was just going through some files and deleting things that were downloaded off the internet. I confronted him about them and again… out pours the excuses. I’m sick of them. I keep being optimistic that things will change and get better…. but I’m just a naive stupid girl.

He’s lost his wedding ring way back at the beginning of July. I’ve told him where it is and he hasn’t made the effort to go get it and put it back on. I really don’t care. I wish he’d go off and have an affair so I’d have a valid excuse to get out besides just being a bitch and wanting more out of a relationship.

I always think that I will go do things for myself, but he’s never around to watch the kids so I can. Laura can watch them, but then she feels annoyed that she has to watch them all the time. When I do go out, he whines that I’m not around when he gets home and the kids have torn apart the house and where’s supper?

I’ve got to get myself financially set. I’m going to start working again. They said that they’d offer me 100 G’s if I’d just commit and work 9 - 5 M-F. *ugh* I just don’t know if I can mentally handle it. I suppose if I HAD to I could, but I really love to play. I love my nothing days. I love having an open schedule. I feel so run down and worn out. I’ve GOT to figure myself out. I’ve got to write down some goals, post them everywhere so I don’t forget and just start aggressively pursing them. I’m so sick of wasting away my life. I want to spend time with the kids. They are heaps of fun. I don’t want to work full time. I want quiet days. I also want to get out of this mess I got myself into.

We didn’t even celebrate our anniversary this year. He forgot, until I reminded him. I didn’t get him anything. I didn’t know what to get him. He got me these earrings from Hawaii. A nice gesture sure. However, he paid way too much for them and they are too big for me. They look stupid. I just want our wedding pictures. I’ve been asking him to get them for me and he gets me all kinds of other crap except for what I ask for. I swear he’s THE most dense guy I’ve ever met. I’m sure I sound like the most ungrateful byatch around, but I’m just not a jewelry person and I’m very picky. I do have jewelry items picked out, which I’ve clipped and put on the fridge that he uses every day.

I mentioned this to him and his response…. You did? I’ve never seen them. Really? I’ve never noticed.

Shocker.

I could walk around with purple hair and he wouldn’t notice.

I think he does try… maybe in his own way he tries… but how can someone be so dense all the time? He just irritates me immensely.

I’m so much happier when he’s not around. It’s horrid to say, yet true. Bleh. Men suck. I don’t believe in happily ever after. It doesn’t exist. I’ve told my girls that. I’ve told them they have to be financially secure themselves with a good job so they don’t have to depend on anyone. Laura wants to be an anesthesiologist. She’s got the brains that she could do it too. Mya… too early to tell yet, but I’ve got to try to get her to find something she might enjoy. That one would be an excellent lawyer cuz she’s just ferocious.

The entire time while we were on vacation I would ask him if it was ok that we stopped at the farm or at my school and he’d say, “sure, I don’t want to stress you out, we’ll do whatever you want.”

I just rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and didn’t say anything. I turned up my ipod and glared out the window. F. Seriously F me.

The ridiculous ball and chain is racking up my Credit Cards that I just got. I’m so pissed. After my gear goes through from Belgium I’m going to cancel it and get a new number. He has his dad’s number so he can just use that. Either that or I’ll give him my low credit card with a $500 limit on it. This way he can’t put $2000 on it without me knowing. He just thinks it’s hilarious that the roles have reversed and that I am worrying about money. I don’t appreciate that he feels the need to add to my stress. I already get stressed out so easily and I don’t handle stress very well. He knows that and yet, he’s just laughing about it. I’m so getting a new number, then not telling him what it is. He’s such a jackalope that at times I wish I was darth vader…

Never wonder why… because for some reason you’ll always find out… even when you really didn’t want to know the answer.

I always wondered how couples fell out of love… I thought it was stupid and I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it…. Now I know how.

Ryan and I have hardly seen each other in the past month and we haven’t seen each other in two weeks. I finally saw him for the first time on Sunday.

“Hi Stranger.” I smiled at him as I sat at the table eating my honey nut cherrios.

He broke out into a huge grin. “Hi!”

He sniffles, sneezes and coughs.

“You’re sick?” I ask. I don’t remember him being sick the last time I saw him.

“Ya.”

“When did you get sick?” I wondered.

“A week ago.” He replies.

“Huh…. I had no idea. That’s too bad. Hope you feel better soon. I swear you better not give it to me or I’ll be pissed.” I replied nonchalantly continuing to eat my cereal.

He grins at me. “We haven’t seen each other in the past month, it’s like we’re strangers.” He winks at me his voice filled with innuendo.

I eye him warily. “I guess.” It’s more like annoyance though cuz I haven’t seen him. I’ve distanced myself from him and am cold towards him. I hate being ignored. Nothing makes me more upset. Except, instead of being downright pissed off, throwing a tantrum I just shrug and don’t care. Very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. He wants me to be flipping out because then I care. When I go silent that spells danger.

“So what’s new in your world?” I ask. Keeping the same polite tone as if I were indeed talking to a stranger.

He tells me about the shop, the guys, the jobs, the trucks and the hard luck cases. I’ve tuned him out, my mind wandering thinking about what I have to do today. I give him the ‘uh huh’s’ and the ‘hmmm’… or ‘really?’ in the appropriate spots.

Once I finish my cereal I toss my bowl into the sink, surveying the mess in the kitchen the kids have made and sigh. I’m on my own at this.

I look over at Ryan and he’s slouched in the couch still telling me about his month. I give him a weak smile, a few more ‘uh huh’s’ then go upstairs to the bedroom. I really don’t care. It’s cold, but it’s the only way I can cope with him being away constantly.

I’m on the 4th book of the Twilight Series and I’m so glad to be almost done. I flip open the book engrossed with the vampire chronicles. I want to be immortal. It sounds like fun!

Ryan doesn’t bother to follow me. Instead he gives me space and sticks to the main floor or the basement. I should be beside myself with grief and long to be with him, but he annoys the hell out of me now. I don’t want to hear his excuses. I don’t even want to be near him.

Things are never going to change. He keeps promising that he will be around more, but I’m not holding my breath. He’s not. He never will be. I know this because his partner works just as much as Ryan does and he’s been doing it for 20 years. Am I going to bail out? No. The money prospect looks too good. We’ll have our mortgage paid off next year and I’m going to go on a trip a month is my goal. Go on a weekend trip and every 3 months take a week long trip away.

I’m just off doing my own thing. Co-existing with him because it’s easier to do that than be out on my own. He’s my roommate.

So that’s how it happens. That’s how people fall out of love. It happens slowly, casually, until the fire has burned out and all that’s left is ashes of a relationship.

Happy Birthday to the Ball and Chain. He’s finally caught up to me and is 33 years old.

Every year he has a kickass birthday cuz I’m an awesome wife and always plan out and give him good gifts.

This year I picked him up a mountain bike and helmet. He gave his old one to his brother and has been bikeless.

It’s the same bike he rode while we were in Kananaskis. It’s a Rocky Mountain Soul.

We are taking him out to Cora’s for breakfast, then we’ll let him “hunt” for his bike and play a couple of games with the kids.

Then I’m taking him out to Bistro Provence for lunch at 11am just the two of us. They have the best smoked salmon served on this hot rock dish…. sooo yummy. The flavors are amazing!……. Lunch was in the plans, but we didn’t finish breakfast until 1015am so we really were not hungry. Instead we went to Starbucks just him and I. We sat on the couches and chatted. I gave him his card along with the spa gift certificate.

“12pm - 4:30pm! That’s a long time! What are they going to do to me?” He asks surprised.

After I explain all the things he is getting he has a huge grin on his face.

I dump him off at the spa right at noon and he’s going to get Balneotherapy, A Dessert Calm body wrap with a vische rain massage then followed with a 90 min. massage. He’ll be getting pampered and since he loves massages I’m sure he’ll enjoy this. Peace and quiet away from me and the kids. What more could he ask for?

I’ll pick him up at 4:30pm, then we’ll head over to NE Calgary for a baptism for one of our close friends little girl. I was so annoyed they booked it on the same day, but I am going to make it work. It’s from 6:30 - 7:30pm. I have to make sure we leave at 7:30pm and quickly drive back home, dump the kids off and head out to Ruth’sChris at the base of the Calgary Tower. He’s been wanting to go to this place for a long time.

A late dinner at 9pm. I hate to eat so late, but it’s the only time we have. After we’ll head to a movie cuz that’s his next most favorite thing to do is watch movies. Then home to rock his world in bed.

He’ll have a great day.

I’m skinny. I know I am, but I sometimes just feel fat. I need to go to the gym and tone up. I don’t own a scale so I just go on how clothes fit me as an indicator of whether I’m fat or not.

I’m a size 1 or 2 in clothes and I really have no one to complain to because everyone I know is usually larger than me, except for my friend, “Barbie Doll.” It’s her nick name cuz she looks exactly like a barbie doll and she’s a size O. So I’ll moan and complain to her but that’s it. If I try to complain to anyone else they shut me down right away and get pissy at me.

I was getting dressed and was muttering to myself, “UGH! I’m so Chubby! I’m so, so, so chubby! I need to lose more weight. Like maybe another 5 - 10 lbs. huh. I just hate my tummy. I have no stretch marks, but I just hate this squishy tummy. I need to be skinner.”

Ryan looks at me and says, “What!?! You’re a rake! Just go to the gym. If you go to the gym, in 3 months you’ll have abs cuz you have very little body fat.”

“A rake?!? I look like a rake! Nice. How rude. I can’t believe you compared me to a rake!” I say very annoyed.

“You’re skinny! You don’t need to lose weight. Just get some muscle and you won’t feel chubby…..” he says, all of a sudden realizing he must have said something wrong.

“A rake, Ryan? Rake?!? A rake isn’t cute, a rake is this icky thing you push around dirt with… are you calling me icky?” I say now glaring at him with my hands on my hips.

He sputters out, “No! No! I didn’t say that. You’re very sexy. I love your body. I’m just saying…”

“I heard you! You called me a rake. A yucky rake. Like the rake in our garage rake? Really? That’s just rude. RUDE and mean! so MEAN! I’m not a rake.” I growl.

“I’m not getting into this with you. I like your body the way it is. Go to the gym if you want a hard tummy, but you’re not a rake.” He ends the conversation and refuses to talk anymore.

*sigh* Typical. He always does this. He never challenges me or gets into an argument with me. Just rolls over and plays dead.

I guess that’s good, but sometimes I like the verbal sparing, the spark and energy that comes from arguing. Ah well…

Ryan just called me and said that a client of his is taking us to India, letting us stay at his 40,000 sq. foot place and going to tour us all over India…. AND best part is that his client wants to pay for our flights too! AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!! OMG! I get to go see the Taj Mahal! How crazy killer is that! And Why did he offer this to Ryan? Cuz he likes him. GAH! I’m sooooo glad my hubs gets along with anyone and everyone. *Squeeeeeeee*

I’m so excited out of my mind! Now we are just arguing over how long to go for. His client wants us to be there for a month. Ryan doesn’t want to go for that long cuz of work and cuz of the kids…. If it’s in December or Jan, then hopefully we’ll have our nanny by then, so I say no prob. Bob, but Mr. Responsible is being all responsible on me. HOLY CHEESE AND RICE! I’m thrilled out of my mind! I’m all like, ‘let’s go for a month!’ 2 months would be too long, but I think a month would be good. Whateves. Even if it’s just for 2 weeks. I’m still pumped, cuz a local will be touring us around and that’s the BEST cuz they know where to go, what to avoid, etc. and 40,000 sq. foot mansion?!? Hell ya! I’m soooooooooooo there! I can’t wait to go and see the sights, the culture, the people!

Beginning in January I decided to get a job. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile and now I finally went out and did something about it. As I went out for job interviews I realized that I’m really good at interviews and I can basically get any job I want. It was great to go out and be offered jobs at various great companies. It’s nice to know that I still got it. I had one interviewer tell me that I was so fun and she wanted to hang out with me and be my friend. I thought that was weird, but I ran with it.

January was Brandon’s 5th birthday. I made him a dinosaur cake with a volcano with lava made out of red candy pouring down the sides and sparklers for the fire. I need to download those pics then post them, cuz the cakes were amazing. We went to playtopia for his party. He had a blast. This year he wasn’t inviting and uninviting everyone he got mad at in the family. January was quite cold and just whirrled by. I got a job offer at West Jet and unfortunately had to turned it down. After I factored in driving cost, childcare, time spent on the road, I would end up with $100 a month. That blows billy goats.

February came around and it was Joshua’s birthday party. He turned 7. He wanted a volcano cake with real fire and army men. Done. I made a carrot cake square 10x13 cake for the base and made an angel food cake then put a chocolate coned cake on top of that. for the volcano. I cut a hole in the middle of the cone and dropped a shot glass down the middle. Thanks to Dave for the advice on liquor. I got some Everclear from the liquor store to pour into the shot glass. Unfortunately liquor burns blue. *sigh* So I panicked. I was up until 4am trying to figure out my problem and I solved my problem! Thanks to the internet I found a picture that had the volcano cake like Josh wanted. I blew it up and saw what they had done. Brilliant. How people survived before the internet I just don’t know. It sure makes life easier.

I packed 30 candles around the shot glass, around the candles I put 8 sparklers. I had army men and tanks surrounding the volcano, palm trees and a small blue lake that turned into a river then into a waterfall that spilled down the side of the cake. I made volcanic lava out of fondant and draped orange, red and yellow down the side of the volcano. It looked fabulous. Joshua’s eyes lit up when he saw his cake. It was exactly what he wanted.

We went to Mountain Shadows and lit the cake. We were 1/2 way lighting the cake and the flame shot up 1 foot. After we lit up the entire cake the flame jumped to 2 feet in the air. It was crazy! LOL… Josh tried to blow it out, but couldn’t. The flame would separate from the main part of the flame then jump back. He was just blowing flame everywhere. Ryan had to blow it out. The smoke that rose from the cake was crazy. I was waving a paper over the fire detector so it wouldn’t go off. All the kids were in awe over the cake. Dad’s who saw the cake loved it and wanted it for their birthday. LOL… It’s the fire. It was so cool. I loved it. Josh had a blast playing with all his friends.

February I started working as a manager for a movie theatre in Calgary that a friend of mine owns. It’s ok, but I want more of a ‘customer service’ type job not a ‘chasing after teenagers to get them to work’ job. The bonus is that I get to go to the movies for free and take a guest in for free. So over the reading week break I took my kids to see Enchanted (LOVED this movie), Waterhorse (Great kids show), and the Golden Compass (It sucked rotten bananas. I don’t see what the big deal is over this movie. It’s stupid. Not even worth a video rental. My kids were bored and so was I.)

Stupidly I agreed to work on Valentines Day. I totally spaced it and forgot it was Valentines. Ryan came to work and brought me a rose plant (which I’ve already killed), chocolate kisses and a card. Awww… how sweet. On Friday, we went out to Il Songo. It was amazing. There was a live jazz band playing. The food was incredible. It was a great restaurant. The service was impecible and the price was through the roof. However, despite the lovely ambiance and food. I was bored out of my mind. I must have ADD or something. I was soooooo bored. I’m tired of always being the fun one. For once in my life I just want to be entertained. I just want someone with the ability to make me laugh. I saw this older couple a few tables over. They came in, sat down, ordered, then just sat and stared at each other or looked around. They said all of 2 words to each other, ate their meal then left. I pointed them out to Ryan and was having him watch them, pointing out their behavior and boringness…. To which he replied…

“Isn’t that great! We’ll be like that one day.”

I just looked at him wide eyed and didn’t say anything. It took everything in my being and all my will power in the world, not to get up and leave that very second. I do NOT want to be like that one day!!!!!!!!! I feel like we’re like that now, if I’m not chattering or being silly then there is just silence. A feeling of dread just filled my entire being. I felt sick to my stomach. Tears welled up in my eyes, I smiled weakly and I quickly looked away. I bit my lip and blinked quickly to try to stop the tears from falling. Finally, I just excused myself and went to the women’s bathroom. I glanced in the mirror and I looked so sad. I tried to smile to shake the look off my face, but my eyes wouldn’t lie. I busied myself with the fun soaps and lotions in the bathroom until I was able to push the feelings down far enough. *sigh* It’s my own fault. I chose a guy for looks over personality.

Then my life picked up speed. I’m exhausted. Ryan and I volunteered to do the food for the scrapbook convention with all the benefits and proceeds going to the Women’s shelter out here. Plus I’m working and I have a huge ward activity in 2 weeks and Laura’s 10th birthday party in 3 weeks.

Wednesday, Feb 27, I worked until 3am. Came home, was up at 8am Thursday morning worked on the scrapbook convention for the women’s shelter all day Thursday didn’t go to bed until midnight. Friday I was up at 8am then did running around, picking up the food for the convention and went to Costco with 5 kids. I got so many sympathetic looks as I dragged 5 kids around with an overflowing shopping cart at Costco. I met Ryan at the theatre, swapped the van for the car and went to work. It was a Friday night and I didn’t get out of the theatre until 4am. Home by 4:30am, up at 8am and got ready for the convention that was happening at 9am. I ran and picked up all the fresh food that needed to be picked up that day. Ryan didn’t make the salad dressing like he was suppose to so I was scrambling on making that for lunch. Then when I did food estimations I was thinking Costco size not regular grocery size so I had to run out and buy more groceries because I didn’t have enough. I had a huge crew helping me in the kitchen prepping the food for 150 people. It was great.

For lunch we had Spolumbo’s deli subs, a fruit tray and a mandarin orange, strawberry salad with a poppy seed dressing made from scratch. Everyone loved it. For supper we had smoked pork sliced really fine from Hirsche Fraiser meats, a loaded baked potato with cheese sauce, chili, real bacon bits, chives, sour cream, cooked broccoli, grated cheddar cheese, sea salt and grated peppercorns, and a veggie tray. For dessert we had an assortment of Crave cupcakes. Everyone loved the food. When people filled out their surveys and were asked what was the best part of the convention 60% said “the food!” LOL… after that people loved the prizes that was given out. It was an amazing, fun, crazy and hectic day. The convention raised $10,000 for the shelter. How awesome is that! My friend who started this event and oversaw all the details is the most amazing woman I know. She truly is the power of one! She’s so generous, so fun, so upbeat, so charitable and positive. It was great to be a part of this wonderful event.

My birthday came and gone. I didn’t even celebrate it. Didn’t go out, didn’t have anyone over. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t do anything. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Does it matter? No. I think when you get to be a certain age, you just don’t matter anymore. You just become insignificant. Ryan didn’t do anything. *shocker* I’ve stopped expecting anything. He gave me a new apple computer. He won it by selling lots at work. I don’t like the Mac. I can’t figure it out. I like Microsoft better. There’s some aspects I like, but some I don’t like. I just still use my slow computer cuz I know where everything is. I play around on the Mac a little, but really, when do I have time? I don’t. I wanted a gift certificate to go shopping and buy something just for me for once. I wanted to be left alone so I could sleep and have peace. I still had to take care of the kids and I ended up getting mad at Ryan cuz he just sat back and did nothing. He didn’t take care of the kids or help clean up. I hate birthdays. I’m so busy that we can’t even go out on a date to do anything until maybe the end of March, but that won’t happen.

Sunday, my birthday, I was promoting the non-talent show at the church. I worked 3 days that week and managed to switch my Friday so I wouldn’t have to work. The non-talent show happened on Saturday, March 8. It kicked butt! We had a stage and curtains. Ryan and I were Kermit and Miss Piggy. I wrote a 16 page script for the event and it was hilarious. We had acts like Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, Abbot and Costello, Def Leppard, the RCMP musical ride, Burping Champion, Double 0 Donut and Licence to thrill (break dancing mom-son team), muppet opening song, Waldorf and Statler, the Muppet News anchor and tonnes more acts. It was soooo much fun. I wanted to tape it and only 1/2 of it got tapped because unfortunately I assigned someone who was video camera challenged. Next time I’ll make sure to have 2 video cameras working. I did 5 costume changes throughout the hour long show. A green bridesmaid dress, a red ball gown dress, a black sparkling evening gown, my wedding dress and hip hop clothes. I had a prosthetic pigs nose that opened and closed when I talked. I also had a blond wig. It was great. My favorite part was Karate chopping Ryan after every bit that we did. The kids loved “Miss Piggy”. During the show they would chant “Miss Piggy!” or scream, “Hi! Miss Piggy!” or “Miss Piggy you’re crazy!” My voice was dead on. I found a talent. I can sound exactly like Miss Piggy. Everyone was saying that I was a perfect Miss Piggy. Well, I do channel her in real life. Ryan is like Kermit and I’m like Miss Piggy. It was so much fun. People were asking us to do it again in another 3 months. Nope. That was a once in 5 years deal.

Then I worked Sunday - Tuesday. I switched my Wednesday and Friday shifts. I’m exhausted. Everyday I wasn’t getting home until 2am, 3am and 5am. Then I’d be up at 8am only taking a 1/2 hour nap during the day because I am chasing after a toddler all day. Thursday I crashed. I slept from 11am - 4pm. I put Luke down for a nap at noon after he trashed the house very well and just slept hard.

I don’t like working late hours like that. It sucks. The house is a disaster. (I’ve got cleaners coming on Tuesday! Horray!) The kids school work hasn’t been getting done because Ryan doesn’t do it with them or think it’s important to do. Things just are not running smoothly at all. I’m so exhausted and tired all the time. This blows monkey brains.

I went to a police recruiting thing in Feb. After I looked at all the really personal questions they ask, I realized that I don’t have a problem with any of the questions except for the integrity questions. Yep. Got to have integrity to be a cop and I obviously don’t have any. One of the questions asks about software issues. I’ve got software issues. I’m not going to say what. Don’t want o convict myself here, but ya. So cops want honesty and integrity. Dammit. Don’t got the integrity part down. I’ll be honest about all the things I’ve done wrong. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Ryan laughed at me, “Ya, you’ll be honest about your dishonesty.” Dang rights I will… just don’t want to be tossed in jail for it. Really truly I don’t think it’s a big deal, but I’m sure the powers that be would. So being a cop is out. I told a few people I was thinking of applying and they all laughed and said the same thing, “What! YOU with a gun!?! Are you crazy?” Obviously I am.

I was hoping that by going to work, I’d feel happier and not so discontent with my life. I’d find a purpose and be happy. Nope. Staying home with the kids frustrates me, going to work frustrates me. I think I’m one of those people who are just not content or ever satisfied with anything they do. I’ve realized that is my challenge and my trial in life. I’ve always wondered what it was and now I know. No matter what I do, I’m just not happy. Sure, I have moments where I laugh, am silly, goofy and crazy. However, am I happy? No. Am I content with my life the way it is? No. I just don’t know or cannot figure out how to just be happy with life the way it is at this moment.

Sometimes I feel that maybe I will be happy if I just up and leave everything behind. The husband, the kids, everything. Just disappear. Start over. But I’ve seen other people who are like me attempt to do that. They have an affair, leave the wife and kids, start over…. yet they STILL are NOT happy. They are not happy with themselves and not happy with where they are in their life. So, might as well learn from other people’s experiences and mistakes I figure. What is my problem? Ryan thinks I need to go see the shrink again. I think I can work it out on my own. I’m not depressed, just not content and frustrated. I feel like there is something I should be doing, that I’m not doing. What? Despite the obvious - taking care of the family. What is it? There’s something else. I just can’t figure it out.

I’m so restless. I keep reminding myself on a daily sometimes hourly basis to stay. Not to leave. That the life I have is good and that Ryan is a good guy. I repeat it over and over in hopes to convince myself of these truths. All the while I’m antsy. Restless. Discontent. Unhappy. I try to keep myself so busy that I don’t have time to think about how annoyed at life I am….How I’ve done this to myself and there’s no escaping. That’s why I work and take on as many projects as I can. To help me forget that I’m miserable. To help me cope. I’m ridiculous. Life is insane. I know what I want, just don’t have a clue as to how to get there.

Everyone has their trials and challenges in life. To help them learn, grow and be a better person. When am I going to learn? How do I learn my lesson? When will I learn it so I can get on with my life already. Life sucks rotten tomatoes. I’m just being so negative. I’m trying to keep it in check, but I’m worried. I’m worried I won’t be able to keep this pace up. I’m worried I’m going to snap and do something I’ll most likely regret. *sigh* I know that others have it worse than me, others have it better and everyone has challenges. I just need something… I’m floating through life accomplishing nothing. My 20’s have passed, what have I accomplished? Nothing. Here I am in my 30’s and I’m just not living life the way I imagined it to be. I’m just wandering though a fog. A fog that swirls around me constantly. I can’t see ahead of me, behind me or beside me. I just follow the little yellow dotted lines along the highway and try to stay between the lines in hopes that eventually this fog will lift and life will get better.

Well since the whole CPO thing last week sucked I grabbed a couple of friends and we went out for Ryan’s birthday. We had a fabulous time at Bolero. Lisa, Hugh, Nathan and Briony were all there and we had a great time laughing and eating. We stuffed ourselves silly! The food was amazing and it was excellent.

After we went to laserquest. We had to pick our own names. Ryan was "Dirk Diggler", I was "Princess of Power" I forget everybody else’s name cuz this was back in October 07 and it is now February 08 and I have a case of Alzeheimer’s. We had a blast. Ryan actually came in 4th. It was so much fun to play this game. I want to go again.

 We went to the marble slab and had the yummiest ice cream cones. Then went out for a movie. It was a wonderful night and a great birthday do-over. Next time I’ll have to post sooner to remember the details of the night.

Hands down Jon is the ultimate performer. He engaged the crowd, flirted with them, teased them and was so charming. He’s so unbelievably personable. This is why after 20 years he is able to draw the crowds to his concerts. The music was amazing and it was so much fun! I LOVED it! Best concert EVER! I’ve seen big names perform and by far Bon Jovi has blown all of them out of the water. He’s amazing! We were beside the stage in the second balcony! Awesome seats! We were able to see so much! I took pics but they of course didn’t turn out but I did do video so I’ll try to upload them to youtube then post it here… I did a few, but was too busy dancing and singing to all the other songs. He had the audience sing “Living on a Prayer” and join him in singing his songs. It was just so much fun! People were up on their feet dancing, singing, screaming and enjoying the music. Excellent night! He is so interactive with the crowd. He had a stage set up by the penalty boxes over to the side of the arena and he played 5 songs there. He ended off the night by running into the crowd and giving everyone high 5’s or touching them as he went by. He sang his way out of the arena. How amazing! He wasn’t afraid to get down to the audience level and be with them. He even made the comment, “I just want to stay here amongst the fans.” His stage was small so it allowed for more people to fit in the arena. When a fan threw up a concert t-shirt, he wiped his face in the t-shirt and threw it back. Then she threw it up a scarf and he says, “You keep throwing stuff up at me… this doesn’t suit me, it’s pink!” But he wore it around his neck then threw it back at her. He was so sweet and so nice to his fans. I’ve heard that at some concerts fans get kicked out for doing that kind of thing. It was nice to see that he realizes the fans need for interaction and he loves his fans and loves to interact back. He’s an amazing performer.

After the concert was over I got Ryan to put me on his shoulders and give me a ride back to the car because I could barely walk. I got these boots with a crazy high heel and was up dancing all night long. It was so funny. He kept galloping like a horse or running into trees. We were just being so goofy. It was fun. It was such a wonderful night. Before the concert, we went out to Montana’s for supper and played x&o’s on the table while we waited for dinner. He kicked my butt. We were laughing and teasing each other all night long. By the time we got to the concert Hedley was already playing. We got to watch them do only one song before they were done. I’m bummed cuz I love Hedley. I got Shauna a Lost Highway Concert t-shirt cuz she gave up her ticket so Ryan could go and cuz she was sick. She missed such a good time! I got a sexy black Bon Jovi thong… lol… so cute.

We just had a wonderful evening and it really rekindled our relationship. We haven’t been going out as much this year on our weekly dates and we are lucky if we even get out once a month. I’m high maintenance. I like to go out lots. I need to spend time with Ryan apart from the kids to help me remember why I fell in love with him and why we are a good match together. It’s so easy to get caught up in daily life and to forget to bring the spark and romance back into the relationship. I loved going out with him to this concert. We really needed this. So thank you so much to my friend Shauna for getting sick, giving up her ticket to Ryan and for Bon Jovi for putting on an excellent show. It was seriously the best concert ever! Next time he comes to Calgary, I’m going to get tickets!

Ryan has been gone for 15 days this month for training in Winnipeg, Ohio and Red Deer. It has been really nice just to do my own thing and run the house however I want. I LOVE being by myself. I thought I would have a hard time with it, with the 5 kids and all, but nope. I’m having a BLAST!

I sleep right in the middle of the bed and stretch out. I sleep so much better, I never get woken up in the middle of the night, I love having the bed to myself.

I keep trying to convince him that we should have separate rooms and just get together for conjugal visits every night then I can go back to my own bed. He doesn’t like the idea, but I think it’s freakin’ brilliant!

I didn’t even miss him and didn’t even care if he called. Is that bad? Hmm…. maybe. I just went on with life. Everything was so smooth. I wasn’t as stressed out or upset. I had the kids to bed by 7:00 or 7:30pm every night. It was just so relaxing. He house was tidy, everyone did their chores. It was wonderful!

When he would come back he would ask if I missed him… “Nope…. sorry. I like being by myself.” He would get this hurt puppy dog eyes and make me feel just a smidge bad, but not a lot… I was just telling him the truth.

“When are you going away again?” I ask.
“End of November.”
“I’ll make sure all your laundry is done so you can pack.” I smile. “Have fun!”
“I’m going to miss you. I hate being away.”
“Shut up! You’re lucky you get to go away for awhile. I’d be off exploring, seeing and doing. I WISH I could leave!” I reply.
He’s such a homebody. He hates having to leave the house. Weird!

Every time he leaves he looks around as I’m busy tidying up.
“Why is it that every time I leave you clean the house from top to bottom?” he asks.
*sigh* “Look, I’m trying to make it look good for when my sexception arrives. Now get the hell out! He’s gonna be here in a couple hours.” I say grinning mischievously.
“Who’s that?” he asks his eye brows wrinkle and he eyes me suspiciously.
“Tom Welling! Remember? Now I love you. Be good. Goodbye.” I laugh and say as I push him out the door.

The door closes and I breath a sigh of relief… Now if I could only cast some sort of spell on Tom to have him magically appear at my doorstep, I’d be oh so happy. If only….

Lawd almighty this pic is just so HOT. Just makes me want to run over, rip his clothes off and do naughty things to him. Mmmmm…

Ryan comes downstairs with a proud and happy look on his face.
I eye him suspiciously…. “What?”
“I just had the best crap of my entire life just now!” he smiles as if he’s solved world peace.
I sigh… “I really don’t think I needed to hear that.”
“I’m just so happy right now!!! I just had to share it with someone.”
“Thanks for sharing… next time call your father.”

We never did get to go to Bolero cuz it was too busy… who knew you had to book a couple weeks in advance for this crazy place?!? Well, instead we went to ‘Glory of India’ downtown and that sucked. The food wasn’t good. We’ve been to other similar places like the Taj Mahal and Rajoot. Those 2 restaurants are fabulous! This one, not so much. The food came out luke warm like it had been sitting under the warming bulbs and it was not served very attractively. It was served on a TV dinner type plate. So unappealing.

The CPO was a bust as well. The first 1/2 hour sucked because they featured this ‘new’ composer and he sucked. He composed a song called Dragon Relams and it was horrific. LOL… the people in front of us were hilarious because of their total and complete disdain for the song. Their facial expressions were so funny. They were just disgusted. It sounded like the orchestra tuning. It was a dark and disturbing song. When the song was introduced, the conductor talked about it like it was the greatest thing ever.

After the performance, which went on for waaaay to long, Ryan leans over to me and whispers, “This is like the Emperor’s Clothes. Where one person is all excited about how fabulous something is and everyone just agrees cuz they don’t want to look like a fool.”

I laughed. It was so true.

“Well, if someone asks me my opinion I’d tell them the truth. It wasn’t something that I liked or like to listen to. ”

Next was some pieces from a Russian composer. Peter somebody. It was ok. Again, it was rather dark and dreary.

During intermission we went up to the balcony. I wanted to sit up there because then I could watch the Clarinet and the Oboe’s play. I could see more of the orchestra. Sitting on the floor I was only able to see the first 2 rows of the Cello’s and violins play. So we sat up to the left of the orchestra…. bad idea…

Now we had to lean forward and turn our necks to see everything… *sigh* Really, the ideal seats I think are on the 1st balcony but just facing straight on.

Roberto Brahm’s music was beautiful! I loved it. However, had a hard time enjoying it because of the seats. Should have just sat in our good seats on the floor. Ah well….

So I was hoping that we would be able to go see a movie after, but by the time the CPO got out the movies had all started. So we just went to the Cactus Club restaurant and had 4 kinds of dessert. Pumpkin cheesecake, chocolate lava cake, apple pie, and a strawberry cheesecake. I like them all except for the pumpkin cheesecake. It was yummy. My fav. was the apple pie with vanilla bean ice cream and the strawberry cheesecake.

Well, the evening royally sucked. *sigh* Ah well. We’ll have to do a ‘do over’ date. It was nice to get out.

“Fighting with you is like wrestling in the mud with a pig. You are both getting dirty, except the pig is enjoying the mud.”

LMAO!!!!!!!!!! Holy Hell! Ryan is hilarious sometimes….

Man! What a great line… he slams me and gives a great simile. How can I get mad at that?!? That was just too funny… Funny cuz it’s soooo true! I love getting in a good fight. Ryan hardly EVER fights with me. He just nods his head, says “sorry” and that’s it…

Every now and then when I do get him angry enough to fight, he finds it exhausting. I, on the other hand, find it a lot of fun and a great challenge.

It gets to the point where he’s arguing his point and I just begin to grin cuz he’s actually engaging me. He gets so upset when I start to laugh or grin, so I jump right in and get muddy with a little mischievous glint in my eye. Whoo hoo!

The time is once again approaching for the birthday of the good ole’ ball and chain. Where does he want to go? The answer shocked me.

The Phantom of the Opera.

I was pleasantly surprised. Mind you I really should not have been because he LOVES the ballet. The guy loves the ballet more than me. I like going to the ballet, but he seriously GETS INTO IT. After their performance he’s enthusiastically clapping and giving a standing ovation. I mean it was good, but Holy chocolate starfish batman…. settle down!

*sigh* I’m not sure if I need to be worried or not. I’m watching him very closely… not saying anything… just observing. And as anyone who knows me knows… it’s when I DON’T say anything, it is a red flag.

Since I’m not going to fly him to the US to watch Phantom I’ve decided to go to the CPO . I love classical music and it’s Roberto’s Beautiful Brahms playing. I’m excited! I always plan things that I want to do on his bday cuz he never does anything for mine so I take advantage of being the planner. For dinner we’ll go to Bolero. A friend of mine told me it’s good. I’ve never been there, but would love to check it out. I like going to new places and try new things. After if there’s time we’ll go to a movie.
I think he’ll like it. If not ah well. We’ll do that this Saturday.

Then on his actual birthday day, I think we’ll go to the ballet. The Alberta Ballet is playing Othello. I’ve read the book and I’d love to see the ballet. Maybe do a dinner or something as well before.

Anyway, should be fun as always. Happy Birthday on the 25 to the sweet B&C!

I’ve been meaning to write this down, but have been too busy to do so since this summer and been a whirl wind of activities.

We went out with friends of ours to celebrate his birthday. We went to this fantastic Greek restaurant out here, the food is so yummy in your tummy and the rack of lamb is to die for. 15 minutes into our lovely evening our appetizers had just been placd in front of us when Ryan’s cell phone rang…

“Hi! This is your neighbor, I just thought I’d call you to let you know that your son Brandon is missing.”

Dog-gone-it that boy!

“The babysitter is looking for him at the park, my wife is driving around the neighborhood and we are going to check your house once more to see if he is hiding anywhere,” our nice neighbor says.

*sigh*

Now at this point we have a decision to make. Do we get up to leave to aid in the search or do we sit and eat because we are starving. Our friends look at us all frantic and ask for a report on how their 2 sweet girls are doing and if they are ok. Of course their kids are doing great.

“Should I go back and try to find him?” I ask Ryan.

“No, they’ll find him. There’s nothing more we can do. They are already looking for him,” he says as he munches down on the plate of appetizers.

I know he is right, but I still think we should go look.

“No, I’m not ruining my dinner. Just give them another 20 minutes.” Ryan says calmly. When Ryan is hungry and there is food in front of him, heaven or hell can’t move him until he is full.

“Did you say they were going to look through our house?!?” I gasped.

“Yep”

I groaned. Earlier that morning Ryan had decided to “clean” the walk in closet. I didn’t let him touch my side or my clothes, but he “cleaned” out his side…. So Ryan’s definition of “clean” is to take EVERYTHING that he owns and that is his and throw it on the floor in the hallway, on our bed and on the floor as he sorts through everything.

BEFORE he started this “project” I made him promise that he would have it done by 5:00pm when we had to go out for dinner. After promising and assuring me it would all get done he proceeded with the mayhem. I just stayed downstairs because you couldn’t even walk in the halls or anywhere upstairs. There were clothes, hangers, shoes, belts, ties, socks and all sorts of things piled and thrown around… After 5 hours of working away - he’s very meticulous and perfectionist when it comes to sorting his clothes, folding them just so and putting them back in closet - he still wasn’t done. I was annoyed and tried to help but he flipped out. It didn’t come as a surprise when 5:00pm came and he wasn’t even 1/2 done.

We just left the crazy mess all there and told the babysitter not to let the kids play up in our room or in the hallway upstairs…. The image of the horrible chaos seared in my brain when I the next horrifying thought ran through…. ‘The neighbors are going to be looking all over our house for Brandon’…that would mean they will be going upstairs to the mess that Ryan left behind. Holy Hell!

I reminded Ryan of the disaster that he left and began to complain that he didn’t get it all finished in time and now our NEIGHBORS are going to be traipsing through the mess.

Ryan just shrugged and happily munched away on the food. I looked at him and wished he would choke on the shrimp. I was worried about Brandon but also embarrassed and horrified over the disarray they would encounter upstairs.

“Maybe Brandon isn’t even upstairs, he’s probably hiding in the toy closet”Ryan offers, “there’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“Except maybe go and help so they don’t have to do into our house!” I snap as I get up trying to leave.

“I’m not giving you the keys and I’m not having my dinner ruined. They’ll find him. Sit down.” Ryan says firmly.

“I swear to God, if I was Darth Vader you’d be in a lot of pain right now!” I seethe.

Ryan just laughs at me.

Sure enough 10 minutes later the neighbor calls back.

“Hi! I just wanted to let you know my wife found your son.”

“Thank you so much for all your help! Where was he?”

“He had fallen asleep under all the clothes and blankets that were on your bed in your room.”

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a fun website. Match yourself with Tom Welling

Me and Tom Welling’s compatibility: So based on birthday’s/biorhythms we are at 89% WOWZER! How thrilled am I?!?

physical		85%
emotional		97%
intellectual		84%
total		89%

So of course I played around and tried it with Kiefer Sutherland. It came up with 81%

That’s still pretty good!

physical		92%
emotional		94%
intellectual		58%
total		81%

I checked with Wentworth Miller and got 50% Not so good.

physical		33%
emotional		85%
intellectual		33%
total		50%

I’m not surprised. I’m reading up on him at Top Synergy and the guy is a lot like me… it’s a bit spooky actually … I usually don’t get along with people who are too similar than me… they drive me crazy! So darn…. LOL…

This is for Ryan and I….51% how sucky is that…

physical		58%
emotional		11%
intellectual		84%
total		51%

"If the biorhythm compatibility is low this doesn’t mean a relationship won’t work: you just have to work harder. " Tell me about it! We have taken the occasional trip into seeing the psychologist…Why the freak didn’t I find this when we were dating? … then again would I have even listened? No, I  would have scoffed, insisted my own way and continued dating him… why? Cuz he’s damn hot. I took this picture of him. When I worked as a receptionist and had this pic on my desk co-workers thought I had a pic of some model on my desk that I clipped from a magazine! LOL!!!! No, it was my future husband.

Wow! It’s hard to believe that 10 years ago, it was raining, it was my wedding day and I almost didn’t get married because I thought the rain meant bad luck. Thank goodness Amanda and Julianne were there pushing me out the door or I wouldn’t have gone… as it was I was 1/2 hour late.

Well, today it was raining, cloudy and yucky… same as when we got married… except this time I wasn’t freakn’ out. I was content and happy. Kyle told me that if it rains on your wedding it actually means”good luck and that your marriage will last forever.” Well, when he told me that I thought it was just BS and he was feeding me a line in order to make me feel better with a stupid superstition… but hey, here we are… 10 years later.

We’ve been through some crazy times and he’s been there by my side, steadfast, holding my hand, patiently and sweetly. Never before have I trusted anyone or loved anyone as much as I love him. I know he drives me crazy at times and I KNOW I drive him bonkers, but I love him. He is the eye of the storm for me. Chaos and craziness swirl about me, but when he’s around I feel calm. I feel love. I feel peace. I feel comforted.

I really do love hanging out with him. I love it when he’s around. He makes me laugh even when I don’t feel like laughing. Anytime I’m feeling cranky or sad he gives me a hug. He’s so free with his love. He’s very warm, kind, patient and we have a great time together. My love for him has grown over the years and the trials we have been through have only made us stronger.

I remember seeing him in institute class and thinking, “WOW! He’s so hot!” I observed him for a couple classes and anticipated each class because he was there. One day while he was answering a question I looked over at him and the weirdest thing happened… It was like I saw into his soul. I saw the Spirit he was before he came to earth. It was amazing. I saw a very strong, smart, valiant man. It was a surreal experience. I threw out my fishing line and began to reel him in.

I went up to him after class and asked him if he would be my model for one of my photo shoots I had to do for my photojournalism assignment. He was flattered and said yes. So I brought all my stuff over to his garage a week later and I set up the shot. We had a great time goofing around as I took lots of pictures. I called him on the phone a few times, found out which ward he went to, then I would ward hop and visit his ward on Sundays.

A week before Valentines day he asked me out to the movies. We went to Esso plaza downtown Calgary and saw some movie, I don’t even remember what it was. I just remember leaving the movies at night and he grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him. I almost died. Inside I was jumping around and screaming I was so excited. I tried to contain my happiness, but I was my usual hyper, chatty, bubbly, happy self…. that was our first date.

We didn’t kiss on the first date, that would be oh so improper since I was little Miss Molly. I didn’t kiss on the first date. He asked me out again on Valentines Day … and I guess the rest is history. We were stuck like glue to one another. I don’t even remember our first kiss. I just remember our first date. We dated for 3 years. We went through ups and downs. We got to know each other quite well… So he knew what he was getting into when we got married.

I always ask him why he married me and he always says that ‘I’m fun and I’m full of surprises. He never knows what to expect from me, things are never dull or boring when I’m around.’ Years later and I still surprise him. He truly is my best friend. I love talking with him and just being with him.

Now that we have 5 kids my heart just melts when I watch him play with the kids. He’s always the better parent. He’s such a good dad. He tries hard and he is the softy when it comes to them. I’m the bull in the china shop and he is the big teddy bear.

I’m the crazy, insane one and he’s always the calm, patient one. We are total opposites from one another, but we’re proof that opposites attract. He completes me and he’s my match. I love him to bits and pieces. I’m glad that I married him…10 years later and he still takes my breath away. I’ll still look at him and think, “Wow! He’s sexy!”. Sometimes through a crowd I’ll spot him and think, “Holy crap that guy is hot!… then a few seconds later my brain kicks and I think, Hot diggity dog! He’s mine! That’s Ryan!!!”

Although I may rant and rave, stomp my foot and spaz out like a spoiled 3 year old, I really do love him and I appreciate all he does for me and our little family. He has a quiet inner strength and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I love it when he draws me into his burly chest with his big arms and envelops me in a hug. I snuggle in and I feel like nothing can ever hurt me again. I feel so safe. I’ve never knew love could be so powerful and so amazing. 10 years later and I can finally say, “yes, I do love you with all my heart!”

Happy 10th Anniversary my love!

Love Always and Forever,
Your crazy wife Joanne.

I must admit, I’m a revenge seeker. Well, when it comes to Ryan anyway. I’m ruthless. In September we went to a corn bust. It was lots of fun. Well, we had fun anyway. As usual we made a scene and started an impromptu water fight which everybody got involved in whether they wanted to or not. Someone brought out the water balloons, so I grabbed one and instantly threw it at Ryan. He was holding Mya and he used her to shield himself from the blast of water. Poor kid. What a jerk! Using his own kid. Sheesh!

After trying to convince a teenager to throw a water balloon at him to no avail, I decided to take matters into my own hands and dump a bucket of water at him. He got wet, then decided to play. He got me soaked with a water balloon, the hose, the waterguns and a water bucket. We chased each other around like little kids screaming, laughing and throwing water everywhere. I’d stand by people so that when he threw a water balloon at me I would quickly move and it would inadvertently hit the person I was standing beside… LOL… so much fun.

I knew I got myself beat cuz I was more soaked than him. I decided to waited till the opportunity would present itself so I could get him. The next morning the sun peeked through our blinds waking me up first. I opened my one eye and looked at him sleeping peacefully, his breathing was deep and he was happily sleeping I’m sure. He had his glass of water on his night stand still half full. Grinning wickedly I slowly and quietly sneaked out of bed. I tip toed to his side of the bed, grabbed the water and made a bee-line for the ensuite bathroom. I let the cold water run for a few minutes to make sure it was not just a little cold, but a lot cold…

With the glass of cold water in hand I crept quietly to my side of the bed. I checked my escape routes to make sure all paths were clear. Then with a swoosh, the water came flying out of the glass and hit him directly in the face… BULLSEYE!!!! heheh… a direct hit! Fabulous! Simply fabulous! I roar with laughter and jump up and down at the end of the bed ecstatic over my victory and the reaction. Ahhh the reaction. It’s all about the reaction for me.

Ryan shot up out of bed, like a bat out of hell. “What the hell Joanne!” he screams as cold water runs down his face, arms, back and chest… I just laugh even harder.

“I got you back! I got you back!” I squeal in delight, hopping all around the foot of the bed making sure I’m just out of reach. Grinning wickedly with mischief dancing in my eyes I proudly exclaim, “I told you I’d getcha! I told you! I gotcha! I gotcha!”

He just glares at me and flops back into bed, but quickly springs back up once he hits the cold, wet sheets. “You know, two can play this game,” he grumbles.

“Bring it on!” I grin still laughing and jumping up and down at the foot of the bed.

“I’m going to throw water on you when I wake up at 5am to go to the gym!” He warns still glaring at me.

“That’s ok. I’ll just get you back when I come to bed at 1am…. you know I will do it too!” I jeer.

He studies me for a moment, then sighs and shakes his head.

“ok, truce. You got me back. Happy? Now no more throwing water at me while I am sleeping. You promise?” he asks.

Although I am happy that he has admitted defeat, I am also disappointed that he has given up so quickly.

Sighing I respond, “ya, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”

Still grinning I tease, “you shoulda seen the look on your face!”

He responds by picking up a soggy pillow and throwing it at me.

“I can’t even go back to sleep cuz the bed is wet!” he complains.

“Well, just be glad that I waited until 8:00am instead of at 3:00am.” I retort still grinning madly.

“You’re nuts!” He grumbles as he gets up to go take a shower.

I just laugh as I quickly make my escape out of the bedroom.

*sigh* Another mission accomplished.

My kind of park job.

That is why Ryan hates driving with me…

I guess it doesn’t help that I say,

“Ok, you look that way and I’ll look this way. I don’t feel like looking on that side today.”

or

“Ok, look on your side and tell me if I’m going to hit anything.”

or

“Hold on to your gertle myrtle we’re headn’ for the ruhbarb!”

or

“What do you mean stay in the middle of the dotted lines? I like to give each side of the road equal driving time. It helps the roads from developing wheel rut thingys.”

I’m starting to pick up on being passive aggressive and beginning to enjoy the wonderfulness of that kind of attitude. Whenever I am annoyed or mad at Ryan I drive and refuse to get out of the drivers seat, even when he physically tries to remove me. He ends up geting a headache and gets so upset and tense while I drive. It makes me laugh. Ah, good times, good times.

Back in April Ryan and I had an arguement to which we both said some snarky things to one another. The next day he sent me this email. We both just laugh at these names and we did at the time as well once the tension died down and we resolved our problem.

My dearest “demanding, high maintenance, life sucking wife”:

I will try to get to the computer store today.

Love you,

Your’ sniveling complaining lazy half-ass husband

Ryan, “You know whenever I hear someone talk about irritable bowl syndrome I think to myself that I have irritable Joanne syndrome at home.”

So I have cravings that need to be met. He’s been really good about going to a restaurant just to pick up a chocolate Rollo cake and baklava at 10pm or running off to Safeway at 10:55pm for apple juice and a red grapefruit. Hey, at least it’s not shrimp and lobster cravings like I had with Laura. Although now that I think about it….

I’m done having kids. I can’t handle anymore. I’m not Mary Poppins and I want to enjoy the 4 I have…

Soooooo with that being said… I’ve got some exciting news:

Ryan’s going IN! I booked the appointment. Yep… “THE APPOINTMENT.” Men everywhere are probably wincing and holding a hand protectively over their crown jewels feeling sympathy pain. Thinking they are thankful it’s not them. January 27, 2006. That’s V-Day.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. It’s a huge decision. I was torn because my children always come to me in a dream before they are born… there is still one last one left. Number 5. It’s a little girl. She’s really sweet…but I just can’t handle anymore kids. My mental state of mind is not healthy. I hate being pregnant. I’m always so sick. I just don’t want to go over the edge. I’m teetering on the brink of a mental breakdown and I’m afraid 5 would push me over. 5 kids would be too much to handle.

Ya, if I had another one, I’d love it and think that I couldn’t live without her. Still where do you draw the line? There has to be some point in which I say. “Ok. Stop! You’re going crazy! You can’t handle anymore. You’re constantly crabby to the ones you have now. ”

I’ve been debating and meaning to book this appointment for over a year. It’s a huge decision! Even while making the call, booking the appointment and then emailing Ryan about the date I felt like crying. This was huge! I felt like I was letting a little spirit out there down…. But really… would she want to have a crazy, wacky mother like me? I don’t have the mental fortitude to do it. I really want to enjoy the kids I have now. To have fun. To enjoy watching them grow. To teach them, to help them learn how to navigate the waters of life.

So unless something earth shattering happens, like Jesus Christ himself appearing to tell me to have one more and that I can handle it, I’m done. Now that a few days have passed I’m really happy about it. I’m starting to get excited!

I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not always going to be snotty noses, whining and crying. I’ve decided to sign up for a cake decorating course in December and go to some scrapbooking late night crops just to get out of the house. I’m toying with the idea of a gym membership to get back in shape… I’m skinny, but I can barely make it up the stairs without collapsing from lack of breath… how pathetic.

I miss the days when I was a fitness instructor. I loved the adrenaline rush and the high I would get from working out. I loved helping people work out. I need the extra energy. It would help in dealing with the craziness of my day.

I’m also toying with getting a job. I would like to be a photographer’s assistant to brush up on my schooling and refresh myself. All these decisions and options are placed before me. It’s making me excited and happy. I just need to get out more. I’ll be a happier, refreshed mommy.

When Laura was around 18 months old I began to work for the Calgary Herald. I was an editorial assistant. It was so much fun! I loved it! I was good at my job. I liked putting the paper to bed and enjoyed working the evening shift. I came back refreshed and happy. I enjoyed being with Laura during the day and Laura had her own daddy time without mommy interference. Of course after a year or so I got knocked up with Josh so I went on maternity leave and never returned. I’m thinking I want to pursue my degree more and delve more into the photography world.

The horizon is looking a lot brighter…. and all it took was one simple phone call.

I go into the bathroom and just sit my lil’ ass on the toilet when Ryan barges into our en-suite…

“Hey, lift up an ass cheek I really gotta go,” he says.

I give him the look of death.

1. I HATE when anyone barges in on me… seeing that it was 12:30 in the morning I figured I didn’t have to contend with the kids let alone contend with him so I didn’t lock the door.

2. I HATE when he pees while I am in the bathroom with him. It’s just gross.

3. ‘Lift up an ass cheek?!?’ Right… like I want to get sprayed …. I’m not a freakn’ fire hydrant!

“Go to the kids bathroom,” I growl.

“What?!? Awww, come on!”

“We’ve got 2 other bathrooms in this house besides this one. Pick another one!” I snap.

“What’s the big deal?” He grins mischievously as he heads out of the bathroom, ducking his head just as the Kleenex box whizzes by his head.

*sigh* Sometimes I wonder about him.

Winter time is now upon us. Ryan and I play the thermostat game. I’m always cold, so I turn up the temperature. Ryan is always hot, so he turns it down to 0 below Kelvin.

While sitting at the supper table I feel goosebumps travel up my arms and down my legs. I begin shivering.

“It’s cold did you turn down the heat?” I ask Ryan.

Ryan innocently looks at me. “Nope. I turned it up.” He grins his evil mischievous grin at me.

“You did not! You turned it down!”

“Isn’t up this way?” he asks, pointing down.

“You know how I know you turned it down?”

“No, but I’m sure you’re going to enlighten me, ” he sighs wearily.

“It’s cuz my nose is cold… AND cuz I have goosebumps all over!”

“You know I think I’m going to buy a new thermometer to control the heater. It will have a password on it…”

I glare at him.

“…just so you can put a passcode on it and prevent me from turning the temperature down all the time!”

“Quit giving me a false sense of control. I’m on to you!”

Nothing is more frustrating than having no internet for 1 week. I went into major internet withdrawal! I usually leave the computer running constantly so I can get easy, quick access to feed my addition. Well, he turned it off last Saturday night and in doing so blew up the power thingymajigy. I was so annoyed.

I had to go over to friends houses to use their computer. I don’t like having to do that because I can only go on for 1/2 hour or an hour. I didn’t want to be rude.

Since I had nothing to distract me I turned my energies on other things. Ryan was quite please to see that the house was sparkly clean and dinner was always ready. So he didn’t get my power thingy fixed until I went on strike. I stopped cleaning and stopped cooking.

“If you’re not going to clean and you’re not going to cook, what else are you going to do?” he snarled at me after I told him I was on strike.

“You don’t want to know what my creative mind can come up with. I just might start home renovation projects like build a new closet here and tear down this wall there. Oh don’t you worry, I’ll think up some grand project, like putting a bed for you in the garage.”

He finally got the new part and installed it last night. Oh happy day. I’m back.

Wow! So Ryan calls me up as he is coming home from work.

“I’ve got a surprise for you and Laura,” he says.

After guessing a whole bunch of wild and crazy things, like tickets for a cruise, a plane ride around the world, he won a million dollars and never has to work again, etc. I finally move on to things that he doesn’t like. Pets. A dog? No. A cat? Yes.

WHAT?!? REALLY?!? Are you kidding or are you serious? After stringing me along for a bit longer he finally admits that he got a free little Siamese kitten from a guy at work.

“Free Siamese? What’s wrong with it?” I ask.

“Oh it’s not full Siamese. It’s 1/2 Siamese, 1/2 Bastard,” he replies.

Ok… good. Just checking. The kids are in bed by the time he comes home at 10pm. He put the kitten in his gym bag because it kept walking back and forth on the dash board of the truck.

I hear this horrible meowing (if you want to call it that) coming from the gym bag, as I come down the stairs.

“What the hell is that? A pig, a bird, a duck?”

“I guess that’s how Siamese cats sound,” he says shrugging.

I open the bag and out pops the cutest little kitten I’ve ever laid eyes on… Ooohhhhh soooo cute. I love cats. I really love kittens. It has a black nose, ears and tail. A splash of white graces the tip of her tail. Her body is a light grey with a few splotches of brown smeared here and there. She has these pretty pale blue eyes. Oh my goodie, goodie gum drops, this kitten is adorable. She is so beautiful. Wow. I was impressed that he had chosen such a cute lil’ thing.

He had rescued it from being drowned. The owner was just going to kill her since he had 20 cats on his farm. This kitten was the runt of the litter. Whatever possessed Ryan to get this kitten is just beyond me. He says it’s to catch the mouse in the house, but I don’t know…. Something is up. I’m not sure what, but I’m shocked. Ryan doesn’t like cats so I am astounded that he would get one for the family.

I keep asking him why he would get a kitten, when he hates cats. He just shrugs and says with a smile, “Well, you always wanted another cat…”

Awwww, how sweet. This is huge for Ryan, cuz he’s always yapping on about how terrible cats are and blah, blah, blah. Wow. He really loves me and the kids. The kids. Oh my gosh. They are going to freak!

When I called up friends to tell them of the news, to put it lightly they are shocked and horrified. Heh, heh. My friends have only heard of the crazy tales I would tell of what I would do to my cat, “Kitty” when I was on the farm. That coupled with the fact that I have crazy high energy kids. Yeah, this kitten will be pulling out the claws.

I’ll let the kids name her since the only name that crosses my mind is still, “Kitty.” *sigh* 25 years later, and I’m still not creative when it comes to names.

We are getting along quite well. She follows me around everywhere and right now she is curled up in my lap fast asleep. I’m just thrilled… now if only my eyes would stop itching…

I like the sound of running water and usually let the water run through my hand soothing my nerves. To me, it’s a few minutes of peace I have to myself.

There is nothing more relaxing than washing my face in the evening with warm soapy water. Scrubbing my face gently and getting it all soapy and bubbly, removing all the gunk and grime off my face. I close my eyes as I splash the water on my face to take all the soapiness off my face. For a sublime moment, I am happy.

I reach for the fluffy towel on the rack and wipe my face. Ahh, life is good. I take a deep breath as I gently rub my face and dab the excess water off… and this is where my journey goes to hell.

To my horror I realize that the towel smells like ass! A stinky ass! And now the stinky ass smell is all over my face! I can smell it everywhere! I turn left, I smell ass. I turn right, I smell ass! It won’t go away! Damn! Obviously this towel needs to be washed!

I race to the linen closet, swearing like a sailor and grab another towel then race back to the bathroom. I scrub and scrub and scrub with my facial cleanser frantically trying to get the ass smell off my face.

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… ASS!

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… still a little hint of ass? One more time!

Scrub, scrub, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, sniff… Oh thank the Lord for tender mercies… the smell is gone.

I take the fresh towel and press the soft fluffiness in my face. I inhale… Ahhhhh… it smells like Vanilla Fleecy. Mmmmm, that’s what my above moment should have been like. Now I’m pissed because my night time routine that usually calms me down has got me all worked up.

I go looking for the culprit that polluted my towel… “RRRRYYYYAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!”

I don’t have to look very far as he is under the blankets, getting cozy and happily farting away.

“QUIT USING MY TOWEL!”

“Huh?” I get a blank look. He’s oblivious as always.

“You need to quit using my towel! We have separate towels for a reason. I just wiped your ass all over my face cuz you used my towel! We have tonnes of towels! Get your own damn towel and leave mine alone!!!”

“How do you know it’s not your ass you’re smelling?” he retorts.

“Now listen here Mr. Ass man. I KNOW it’s not my ass cuz I have 2 towels, one for my hair and one just for my body. When I wash my face I use my hair towel. Use more damn soap or something! You’re pissn’ me off!”

“Well, I forget to bring my towel in the bathroom, so I just use what’s available and it just happens to be yours,” he says slightly smiling with a look of mischief in his eyes.

OMG! OMFG! I think he does this on PURPOSE in some passive-aggressive manner! That would be soooo like him.

Oh ya! Well, the game is on ass wiper… the game is on… be afraid, be very afraid. Hell hath no wrath like mine.

I think when I was shown a selection of guys to choose from to meet and eventually marry, it went a little something like this:

Behind Door #1 we have a man who’s charming, romantic, will always make you laugh, kind, he has a university degree, a great job that pays gobs and will be a devoted father, geeky looking.

Behind Door #2: we have a man who has an good paying job, university degree, good father, likes a lot of sports, average looking..

Behind Door #3: we have a man who’s intellect is just above the cave man. He has no education, he can reproduce, he can eat and take a dump. He is nice at first but will turn into an asshole as he reaches middle age. He is very, very good looking.

oo oo oo oo oo oooo! I want that one! I want what’s behind door number 3 cuz he’s hot!

Well, now I’m wondering… Can I get a refund? or even an exchange? Maybe store credit? Something, anything cuz this man is starting to turn sour with age. His personality, attitude and intellect is not impressing me and now I don’t care if he’s hot.

“What do you want for your birthday?” I ask Ryan.

He quickly responds, “Shoes, sunglasses and a blow job… but not necessarily in that order. You could give me a blow job while I wear the shoes and sunglasses OR you could give me a blow job in the truck on our way to buy the shoes and sunglasses. I don’t really care which way it goes, just as long as I get a blow job, shoes and sunglasses.”

“Maybe we can find a store that you can get all three? If you buy the shoes and sunglasses maybe the cashier will give you a blow job as a bonus for spending lots of money!” I retort. “Now there would be a very popular store amongst the male population!”

“…OR they could direct us to the change rooms and YOU can give me one in there!” he grins happily.

“Highly unlikely.”

He’s such a persistent rascal.

me: *sigh* I need another dishwasher just to keep up with all the dishes!

Ryan: Well honey, I would get you a couple if I could, but polygamy has been outlawed.

What the hell???

What kind of massage place books appointments at 8:15pm and then finishes at 10:40pm????

One that offers “specials” on the side me thinks!!! Ryan has a sore neck, so he books a massage appointment at 8:15pm at Body Kneads. His appointment is for an hour. He finally graces me with his presence at 10:45?

“What took you so long?” I ask.
“Huh? oh ya, she went over time with me,” he replies fiddling with his phone, not looking me in the eye.
“So what, you got the massage, plus the extra services on the side?”

He laughs then turns and goes upstairs to do some grocery shopping for me.

“Well, I hope you learned some new tricks and didn’t pick anything up while you were there!” I chide.

THIS MORNING:

“Wow, she did a great job!,” Ryan says.
“I’m sure she did!,” I say sarcastically.
He throws me a dirty look.
“How do you know she gave you a good massage?” I ask.
“My back is really sore.”
“It must have been quite the position then!” I retort grinning at him.
He ignores me and says, “She thinks you need to go in to see her too.”
“Really?!? Wow, so she’s bi-sexual then? hmm… well, tell her thanks, but no thanks. I don’t swing that way. Besides, I’ve told you before that I only like warm bananas.”

Dear Bunny,

Bitchalicious wants you to:

Finish painting the stairwell
2 Coats in the TV room - Red
1 Coat in the bedroom - Yellow

I’ll be leaving here at 6pm and I’ll be home at 8:30pm. Please get this done.

Thanks,
The bitch that yelled in your ear.

Consequence:
Your gym membership will be revoked for one month and you’ll get your saggy stomach and saggy ass back. I’ll call you chubby all the days of your life.

August 8 - 15!

August 8, 1997: The day that the ball and chain got welded officially to my ankle till death do you part… hey I still had an out!

August 15, 1998: The day that the ball and chain got welded permently to my ankle for time and all eternity….there’s no turning back now!

Although for the most part I rant, rave and bitch about Ryan he really does have lots of good things going for him.

1. He always listens to me without interrupting and lets me have my say.
2. He kisses me goodbye in the morning while I am sleeping. I wake up enough to mumble “I love you” as he heads off to the gym at 5am.
3. He’s good at saying, “I’m sorry.”
4. He never yells at me or puts me down. He’s yelled at me twice during the 11 years that we have known each other… and I so deserved it. One was for racking the credit card up to $5000.00 for Christmas one year. The other was when I ended up chatting with a friend for 2 hours after I dropped Laura off at school and made him late for work to his new job.
5. He tells me I’m beautiful.
6. He’s patient with me.
7. He calms me down.
8. He always tells me he loves me. When I’m upset, sad or angry he gives me a hug and kiss. That’s when I need it the most.
9. He knows all my imperfections and loves me despite them.
10. He has never hit me, even when I probably deserved it. If the roles were reversed I would have hit me!
11. He’s an excellent dad. When he gets home he greets the kids at the door with smiles, kisses, hugs and gives them airplane rides.
12. He calls me during the day to see how my day is going. He tells me that he is thinking of me and that he’s glad that he married me. He always ends the phone call with, “I love you.”
13. He does not expect me to work outside of the home. He values the time and energy I put into raising the kids and keeping our home a haven from the crazy world.
14. He’s really good looking. He’s sexy. Damn fine and sexalicious.

I love you babe! We’ve had a roller coaster ride over the past 8 years and I’m glad I’ve spent every one of those moments with you. Thanks for putting up with crazy lil’ me! I look forward to spending the rest of eternity with you! Hugs and kisses to all your private parts!